Name regret - 2 years on

Happy to hear that you have come to terms with it and that your DD likes her own name.

(Still dead curious to know what the name is!).

Thank you so much for updating @GettingABitDesperateNow

Really good to hear , thank you for taking the time to write this

I agree with your husband. At 2 years old, it's your daughters name not yours and so not your decision to change it. If she doesn't like it when she's older then she can.

How about double barrelling her name, would your husband consider that? Maybe double barrel it to the other name you liked at the birth, if that works!

If you are going to change it do it soon. My parents actually gave me a first name they thought I would use in public and middle name to use at home. The trouble was they introduced the first name when I was about three and beginning nursery. I just didn’t get it at all. I knew what my name was when adults asked and I recognised the letters so just wouldn’t change. (Maybe partly to do with ASD?)

I wish I had as would have made life easier as have to explain it for formal stuff.

@walabw what does tour husband think about changing it

Hi there
I would love to know if anyone has made the decision to change their babies name to their middle name? Our baby is now 6 months old and since the age of about 1 month I have had regrets over her name, I wish we had called her by her middle name which I really love and she suits. (My husband preferred what is her first name but that would have been my third choice we just found it really hard to decide on names) I have tried to just carry on and forget about it but 6 months later I am still really regretting not using her middle name as her first. Would love to hear if anyone has ever felt the same and what they decided to do.

Thanks 🙂

I think a two year old would love the idea of having a new middle name, especially if you involved her in picking one from a couple of favourites. Bet her sister will want one added too.

I could imagine my DD being excited by this when she was that age if it was sold to her in the right way. And at no point told it was because mummy didn't like her first name.

Tell them both you think they'll really be glad having the middle name when they're older and then when it's done legally make a celebration of it by getting them something personalised with their full names on it.

I think the novelty of it would make it really easy to use it as a nickname which could eventually stick if you play your cards right.

I think you should add a middle name.

I see your DH's point of view and it is a very reasonable one. He's right. It's now her name, and it's just her! So no, you should absolutely not change it.

But... the fact that you regret the name and wish you'd done things differently is also an important thing. It's a shame to think that your DD's name is a point of sadness for you. Especially when you have only positive thoughts about your other DD's name. Most people have middle names, so I think that adding a middle name, a considered choice now you're not in the emotional upheaval of birth, would be a positive and healing thing that could really turn this around for you.

She's only two - it absolutely wouldn't be anything but a positive for her, as you say there's no way you'd change her name, she will never know a time when she didn't also have a middle name - three is no difference!

I'd make a prediction too - that once you have 'put this right' in your mind by making the change, I bet you'll feel better about her name in general and quite possibly won't ever feel the need to use it. And fwiw, the only people I know who don't have middle names feel quite short changed by it, so it's probably an overall positive anyway.

Choose a name you love for both your girls and add middle names for both of them. Then you know that when you feel like it, you've got the option of saying 'Come on Cara Betsy, time to go!' - rather than plain old Cara - or whatever it is - and I think just that in itself will really help.

What a lovely post @Snowberry4 I echo what you have said

Hey @GettingABitDesperateNow. Just wanting to say how courageous you've been and how refreshing your honesty, vulnerability and transparency has been with this post.... it's been really interesting to read all points of view.
I'm afraid I don't have any input or words of wisdom that hasn't already been said or mentioned but just wanted to wish you well with whatever you decide :)

Didn't David Bowie name his son Zowie Bowie? I think his son now uses his second name which is Duncan.

having read all these, I think I agree with the husbands.
while I can understand some mothers have very strong feelings on this issue, and I can sympathise with that discomfort.
however I wonder if there is some projection going on. I can see you need to talk it through, but maybe a counsellor would be more appropriate. I mean I think it is about something unresolved from your own life and experience. I also think it would be risky to discuss with the child whether they like their name, or did they want another one, because this could undermine their sense of self. I cannot see how it would be to their advantage. it would be different if the child raised the issue, quite unprompted. good luck.

Thanks for your updates OP, such an interesting discussion.

2 things - it is not trivial at all so please don't keep dismissing your feelings and thoughts about your child's name as trivial. It is the label they go through life with and, for me, the name is very much an expression of how the parents see their child and who the family is. Some of my regret comes from the way my child's name just doesn't express me at all, like they were a child from another family. I completely relate to the jealousy of others too when they use a name that I love.

Secondly, it is not too late. I understand your DH has said no, which is fine, but please don't use the too late reason.

I think the compromise position of adding the name in the middle is a good option. Plenty of people go by their middle names.

I am talking legally, because changing a name is a legal process.

Clearly, but we’re talking about the veto in your marriage not in law.

If you want posters to say you will get over it or it will get easier I don’t think they can. I don’t think it will. It will probably annoy you even more over time.

I don’t know anyone where one partner felt strongly about changing a name where they weren’t ‘allowed to’. So I can’t give you a success story.

That’s not what you want to hear so I’m bowing out.

@GettingABitDesperateNow I understand your point of view as I’m in the same boat. I also don’t think my husband is being unreasonable to refuse to agree to a name change at this stage. Admittedly I did start asking when the child was 1 month old but i fully admit that I’m a worrier and he just never took me seriously. I should have thought more carefully about the name before I agreed to it. Again my husband just didn’t see the name decision as being of any importance. Once we found one we both thought was ok he became bored of any further discussion about names. If I’d have made it clearer at the time that I wasn’t happy then I’d course he would have considered other names with me

You’re talking legally? He’s your husband!

If I felt that strongly about something of course my husband would accommodate it and vice versa.

Your husband is taking the line he is because he knows that you will capitulate. Like you did last time. All he has to do is block it and you will give up.

I know children whose name was changed when they started school - much older than two.

I call my dd by her first name, diminutives of her first and second name, and a whole host of totally random endearments. Often my family and friends end up catching on to whatever the latest one is too. I think it's really easy to change what they are called day to day if you really want to.

That's not really the issue here though - the issue is that for all the reasons you've set out, it's just too late to change her first name officially and that's what you just have to point blank accept. Remember that her name will sound very different to her than it does to you and she may well love it, which is frankly much more important than how you feel about it.

It's really hard to accept sometimes that there is just nothing you can do to change a past decision that you regret, so you need to practice acceptance I think.

I think he would agree on adding a middle name and me calling her it, but not an outright first name change, as he thinks I'm doing it for me rather than her

Why does he get the final say? Why are not saying ‘I won’t agree to her continuing with this name’? as if you have the last word? I don’t understand why he has the veto.

You can’t live with a name that you really can’t stand. And if your husband hadn’t been so recalcitrant earlier and if you hadn’t let him have the upper hand then you wouldn’t be where you are now.

As for the ‘identity’ issue - that’s absurd. It’s not uncommon.

@GettingABitDesperateNow yes I understand your logic. Let’s both try and move past this by giving them a middle name at some point so the child has options in future.

I really do empathise and know how you feel with all this though. It’s hard. It’s a ‘trivial’ problem that really doesn’t feel trivial.