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Baby names

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Original poster

Should I lobby harder for my name choice?

67 replies

rosti · 28/03/2019 17:54

I've had a girl's name for nearly twenty years now that I absolutely love and wanted to use for a daughter, but my husband doesn't love it. He doesn't hate it either, he's just unenthused. Fair enough, I thought, we need to compromise. We've picked out an alternative name and it's pretty and fine, but I don't love it. It's just fine.

I really like this other name, and I can't save it for a potential second daughter as it has the same first initial as the new name we've picked out. I know some families quite happily give their kids names with the same first letter, but my mum, her brother and her mum all have the same first initial and it was a nightmare with post, so we would rather not do that.

So that means I have to let this name go. I'm not just clinging to it because it's been so long; I genuinely love the name. I was actually kind of sad when I found out we were having a girl as I knew my husband probably wouldn't let me use the name. My parents have also pointed out multiple times (not in relation to this - they don't know about it) that I tend to defer to my husband and let him make decisions, even if it means missing out on what I want.

I cried today because I heard someone on the radio with the name I love (please note I'm subject to pregnancy hormones and having a stressful time in other areas of my life right now though lol)

Should I lobby harder for this name? Will I regret it if I don't, do you think? Any experience of this? In a way, I kind of feel I should be 'allowed' to have first choice given the hell I've been through in this pregnancy and the fact that I have to go through labour, but I don't think attempting to play that card will help, it's just emotionally manipulative.

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Haworthia · 29/03/2019 10:55

Oh, not Emily! I know loads of them. It’s so dull.

redwoodmazza · 29/03/2019 10:53

I would say go with Erica [or Erika].
You may not have a second daughter.

We gave our son 2 first names with the same initials as my husband. We knew what we were doing but we weren't worried about the problems with mail etc. But in this electronic age, there really isn't much mail that is delivered - mostly our son [now 26] opts for email contact. He recently moved back to live with us while new flat purchase is sorted. He is very happy to be addressed as 'Master' instead of 'Mr' on any mail because he thinks it makes him sound more important than his Dad!!! Bless!

Original poster
rosti · 29/03/2019 10:40

@MercyBodle Yes, maybe time to go back to the drawing board, but keep it on the list and decide for sure later on.

@ThroughThickAndThin01 I know, and I definitely wouldn't force him on a name. I wouldn't like to be the dad and have my partner insist on a name I hate, or even one I don't really like (he doesn't dislike it, he's just pretty ambivalent on it), so I get it.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosti · 29/03/2019 10:36

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. I appreciate the views!

Talked to him last night and he says that he wants his child to have a normal name and not one that's 'made up' (which clearly Erika/Erica isn't, but he means he doesn't know anyone with that name). We both have super common names (like, 3-5 kids in the class with the name, back in the day - less common for newborns now) and yeah, it's fine, no real disadvantages, but it's just a bit blah. He thinks it's much better to have a common/possibly boring name than an uncommon one, and that the worst that will happen with a 'safe' name is the person not really being enthused about their name (well, they might hate it when they're having their individualistic teenage phase), while they might hate an uncommon one. I get his reasoning, but then kind of feel that life is maybe too short to have a 'safe' name. He says he's happy to wait and see what we feel when she's born, but I said she'll probably get named Sparkle if we decide when we're that exhausted Grin

I'll keep thinking about it. I appreciate the input.

@HainaultViaNewburyPark I think Heather is quite cute, but it reminds him of ladies his mum's age!

@everyone saying Erica instead of Erika - yes, I'd be open to that. The spelling with the K looks better to me with our surname for some reason, but that's really not a hill I would need to die on. Doesn't seem to sway him much though.

@AnotherEmma I changed my surname to his when we got married. I think most of the time it's minor decisions that I defer to him on. I like to avoid conflict and I find it kind of embarrassing to lobby hard for something unless I REALLY want it. I don't defer to him when his decision would be unfeasible/really bad for me/silly, though I have deferred on some major decisions too. I brought this up with him last night and, to his credit, he agrees that I have a tendency to go with what he wants, particularly with minor decisions. It's good that he didn't get defensive. I can't think of a time when I got my way on something big, to be honest. Only in situations where it was definitely more rational to go with what I said and I explained that and he eventually saw my point and agreed. I guess 'but I loooove this baby name sooo much!' doesn't strike me as something I can argue rationally?!

@RoseMartha Yes, he's happy to go with Emily Erica/Emily Erika, he isn't bothered about middle names at all.

@ZebraKid71 You've just reminded me I used to love Annika as well! I must have been super into the Scandinavian influence as a kid for some reason. Lovely name choice.

@Jessabean I agree. I've talked to him and been very frank that I will have to make a decision about if it's worth pushing him on or if it's really not that important. I think it's probably good to tell him exactly how I'm feeling, as long as it doesn't seem like I'm trying to apply emotional blackmail. If I wanted to be sneaky, I could probably tell one of his wise older friends at work about the situation and they would probably happily have a discussion about whether it's worth just letting your wife decide in this situation or not, but I don't want to be sneaky!

Sorry for the really long post again Blush

OP posts:
Clownfish123 · 29/03/2019 09:40

Definitely lobby harder. It's unusual to have a name you consistently like for that long, you'll always regret not using it.
Plus Erika (prefer Erica) is unusual whereas Emily's are everywhere. It's not like your partner hates it or doesn't like it. Just say it's really important to you that she's called Erica, he can choose next time!

Iwantmychairback · 29/03/2019 06:31

Erica is a great name. It was always high on my list of baby names along with Carla.

SSRainbow · 29/03/2019 06:26

This happened to me op and I nearly relented and called my dd Emerald, to this day I look at her and feel relieved that I stuck to my guns! Don’t be swayed.

redcaryellowcar · 29/03/2019 06:22

I think Erika or Erica is a great name. We had a similar debate with Emma vs Emily, dc2 was a boy, so we never reached a conclusion! We did struggle to name him though, and ended up with a compromise, it's not my favourite name but he's wonderful, and my preferred choices were based on my families names and I was realistic that clearly that wasn't fair, especially as FIL has such an awful name I wouldn't have wanted that included.

OMGIwonacar · 29/03/2019 05:31

Erika is a strong stand out name from the run of the mill dullness of names out there. Lobby for it! She'll always be saying "Erika with A K not a C though" as people write her name down.

GirlRaisedInTheSouth · 29/03/2019 05:15

Sorry, but Erika is a horrible, ugly name. Emily is much nicer.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 29/03/2019 04:29

It’s not fair to make him call his daughter a name he doesn’t like. I would not like my dd to be called Erika and would be very unhappy if this was forced on me.

Maybe Emily isn’t the name either. I think you should keep looking.

MercyBodle · 29/03/2019 04:10

I think you should keep your name on the shortlist and keep it as an option. I agree with pps who said to talk to him more about how you feel about this (your feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are.) Sometimes a name can really grow on the more reluctant partner, especially after the birth, so don't cross it off too soon. And you don't have to make the final decision before the birth - just have a short list that you're still considering.

In the meantime I would work hard at coming up with a different name (not Emily) that you both could love - imagine that you were having twin girls - can you find a name you love as much as Erika? If you don't get to use Erika (lovely by the way) this time, could you find a name not beginning with E so that it still may be possible in the future?

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 28/03/2019 22:02

It's definitely worth further discussion

I was the same with my first pregnancy , I had a girl's name that have been my favourite for absolutely years. DH wasn't initially that enthusiastic about it but I wore him down over 9 months 😅

DD is 16 now and I can't imagine her being called anything else!

Jessabean · 28/03/2019 21:58

I would definitely either way speak to your OH about how you're still feeling and see how you now both stand on each name. Names can grow and change for people - it might be that Erica's grown on him more over time or it might be that it's a definite dislike for him now in which case I think you'd have to let it go and find a name you both like.

In my case I had a name I've loved for ages and he initially really wasn't keen. Found a different name we both liked but neither passionately loved - over time my original name actually grew on him to a point he'd be happy with but actually over that time I'd gotten use to the compromise name and actually ended up loving it more than my original first choice name and decided to go for that instead as just felt right!

Communication is key either way though so there's no long term resentment.

Ihavealwaysknown · 28/03/2019 21:06

Prefer Emily, but if you really want erika push for it. We didn’t know the sex of DC1 so I had the final say on the boys name and DH had the final say on the girls name, Sod’s law she was a girl 😂 I am therefore arguing I get to name dc2

MikeUniformMike · 28/03/2019 20:04

I think it's great. I know an Erika.
Emily is a bit too nothingy for my taste.

Thequeenspug · 28/03/2019 19:40

I really prefer Emily to Erica.

I have the same issue at the moment in regards to my favourite name etc. So I’m not much help in that regard.

ZebraKid71 · 28/03/2019 19:36

I was going to say let it go, find something you both like - then I saw that the name was Erika and now I think you should push for it haha.. It is one of my favourite names but dd1 is Annika so we can't really use it.

It is so much more interesting than Emily.

Unfortunately naming a child is a two person job is your in a relationship...

Warmhandscoldheart · 28/03/2019 19:20

Definitely go for Erika, it's a strong name.

YemenRoadYemen · 28/03/2019 19:17

Please push your case, OP.

Emily is fine damns with faint praise

You're doing all the hard work here, and as you usually defer to him, shouldn't you get the final say in something. Something that's genuinely important and meaningful for you?

Will the baby have his surname?

RoseMartha · 28/03/2019 19:10

Prefer spelling Erica

Can you not have Erica Emily or Emily Erica

AnotherEmma · 28/03/2019 18:51

Hmmm.

On the name issue, my advice is to keep looking for one that you both love. And you should both stay open-minded; keep Erika and Emily on the shortlist and see what seems to fit after she's born.

Did you change your surname after you got married? If not, will your DD have your surname or DH's or both?

Apart from the names though, I am wondering about this:
"My parents have also pointed out multiple times (not in relation to this - they don't know about it) that I tend to defer to my husband and let him make decisions, even if it means missing out on what I want."
What kind of decisions? Are they major or minor things, or both? Have you ever got your own way about a big thing and if so how did he react?

Elmo311 · 28/03/2019 18:49

Ah, i like both names! But i definitely understand that it's hard to let go if you've wanted to call your child that name for years!

Talk to your hubby again and see if he will come round, if he doesn't HATE the name then perhaps he can be persuaded! Afterall, you are the one doing all the hard work! :)

Or just wait until she is born and see which name suits her? You may well find that Emily suits her better. My OH and i had a name picked out for our son (i loved it) for the whole 9 months and when he was born we were like ...."No he is not an xxxxx¹" and ended up naming him something else! V. Confusing for those we had told the name to! Grin

I am due in 1.5 weeks with a baby girl and we haven't dicusssed or chosen any names. We want to see her first :)

Good luck x

HainaultViaNewburyPark · 28/03/2019 18:48

Erica is the genus for heather. Would you/he consider Heather as an alternative?

ememem84 · 28/03/2019 18:45

Ericas lovely