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Original poster

Walking into a surname disaster?

162 replies

Minimoon123 · 03/08/2018 09:21

Ok, so I'm a FTM, 40 weeks pregnant today and don't know if I'm having a boy or a girl. Looking for thoughts on whether I'm heading into a world of surname pain or not because...

DP and I not married. He's Irish, I'm English. He has no family - both parents passed away, no siblings, basically no one to carry on his name whereas there are bazillions with my surname. So months ago I said baby should take his name. He said he didn't mind. But now seems to mind!

Didn't discover until a couple of days ago that he considers that the baby will take the correct Irish version of his name depending on their gender. So if a girl, instead of his surname: O' XXX, would be Nic XXX. (O' means 'son of' and Nic means 'daughter of' apparently). To complicate matters further Nic is pronounced Nee. And to complicate matters even further, the first name and surname of our potential daughter also involves a lot of Nee Noo and Naa type sounds. Basically she would sound like an ambulance siren.

(Slight side note, I already caved on the first name as he played the 'the only name I like is my dead mother's name' card. So we're in fully Irish territory here with first and surname despite the fact I'm English and we live in England.)

So: I held firm (not easy as DP is super stubborn) and have refused to agree to Nic XXX but instead have managed to agree a compromise on just dropping the O' so it's as close to DP's surname as possible while still making sense to him (and she has to have Nic as a middle name). But what that effectively means is:

DP will be O' XXX
DD would be XXX
DS (if/when) would be O' XXX
And I would be YYY

So the poor child would have a slightly different surname from anyone else. Is this going to cause problems? Travel? etc? I thought it would be ok but I can tell my mother is worried which has worried me!

Obviously it might all be moot if it's a boy but then there's always a chance of a girl in the future so I guess good to know!

What do you think? (Sorry post got looong!) I don't want to reopen the argument with DP but equally I don't want to wander into a mess with my eyes closed.

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Original poster
Minimoon123 · 03/08/2018 09:42

I completely agree DD should be O' XXX. That's what I thought I was agreeing to! But DP adamant it's not an option.

Double barrelling our names would sound horrendous unfortunately!

Agreed I'm not quite sure where I come into this! DP has a stronger will than I do though dammit!

OP posts:
Rainatnight · 03/08/2018 09:41

Unless he's a full time native Irish speaker, I'd say he's being way too fussy and even a bit hypocritical.

Yes, in Irish, that's the way it works (though depending on the surname it can be Ní, instead of Nic). But that vast, vast majority of Irish people are full time English speakers and use the O' form of their surname for everyone - so all the men, women, boys and girls in my family are O'XXXXXXX.

IF he was a full time Irish speaker and planned to bring the kids up as such, then it would be justifiable, because it would be consistent with how he approached the language and culture.

But otherwise, this just feels like he's making a point. Is he by any chance a bit political, a bit Republican?

ALSO - if he was being consistent in using Irish forms of the surname, (and actually knew the language), he and any sons would be Ó XXXXXX (with a fada on the capital O, and no apostrophe). But if he's not, then he's not actually using the Irish form for his own surname, so why would be insist on it for a daughter??

(Etymology fans: Ní is a contraction of 'iníon', which means daughter. So 'daughter of XXXXX'. Ó means 'from' so from XXXX).

Does any of that help with your argument?

eurochick · 03/08/2018 09:40

Wot loveintokyo said.

LoveInTokyo · 03/08/2018 09:38

And I agree with Tammy.

You grew the baby and will give birth to it, and if your DP buggers off you will end up raising it as a single parent, but you don't get to pick the first name, the middle name or the surname?

Fuck that.

ems137 · 03/08/2018 09:37

Why can't your DD just be called O' XXX. I understand that traditionally it means "son of" but for me, my children would either have to have my surname OR partners

LoveInTokyo · 03/08/2018 09:37

I think the baby should have your surname until you are married.

TammySwansonTwo · 03/08/2018 09:31

Where are you in all this? I understand youre trying to make him happy, but the only girls name he likes is his dead mothers name? Sure it is Hmm

You should have some input into naming your child after, you know, growing and birthing them. Mind you, I’d say the same thing to a father.

Sessy19 · 03/08/2018 09:30

Perhaps, given you’re in England and the child would be English and not Irish, passports and having the same name as at least one of the parents could be an argument?!

Do you intend to marry at some point? (otherwise, definitely give baby your surname)

Problem is that, for you OH, this is totally the norm, and it isn’t for you or for englishfolk in general (that I’m aware of, maybe other countries with Gaelic heritages...??). I think, given you aren’t married, and given that in 2018 it is absolutely no longer the norm for babies to have their father’s surname as standard if parents are unmarried, it would be fair to demand that ALL children of the relationship have ONE, same surname...and OHs surname is in fact a compromise....you could very legitimately insist that they all have yours?

Then there’s the double-barrel argument as well....

Sunshiness · 03/08/2018 09:28

I would go with the Nic XXX! I think that's nice, and more 'correct'. Maybe you might get married at some point anyway?

pinkmagic1 · 03/08/2018 09:27

Due to the Arabic naming tradition our dc have a different variation of their fathers surname and I have kept my maiden name.
It has never caused any problems. They are now 14 and 11 and we have only been asked once whilst travelling and we travel fairly regularly. Once we explained the immigration officer was fine.

LyndaLaHughes · 03/08/2018 09:25

I say this from an Irish background with an Irish husband and children with Irish names!l also living in England!

LyndaLaHughes · 03/08/2018 09:24

Compromise on DD being O' as well.

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