Walking into a surname disaster?

Put your foot down now or he will grow more of a bully throughout your marriage. You are not being unreasonable so stick to your guns. It's either the UK friendly full version of his name (O'whatever) or your name and no weird variations. Maybe you could agree to use the Irish version in Ireland if you should live there later on. Also only agree to his mother's name if you really like it, not just for a quiet life. If you don't like it insist on something else.

I'm prepared to attach 'h8rs gonna h8' lolcat postcards to the birth announcement cards we'll have to send to some of the people we know, however.

Please tell me you are actually going to do this and that wasn't a joke.

Married with DP (as low budget as it gets, only for legal reasons). We both find the idea of women changing their surnames after marriage absolutely ridiculous.

DD has a first name from the region my Mum's from (I'm not from the UK) and DP's surname (he's British). Currently pregnant with DC2, they will have a first name from the UK country DP's Mum was from (not England) and my surname. We are very happy and excited about this!

I'm prepared to attach 'h8rs gonna h8' lolcat postcards to the birth announcement cards we'll have to send to some of the people we know, however.

What does Og........ mean? Is that like Small.......?

It translates to young, it's a nickname rather than an official name on documents.

So Seán Óg O'Halpín, it usually follows that he would have his dads first name and surname so the senior man would be simply Seán O'Halpín. It's just like a version of having a John jnr & John snr.

MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood if you're using the Irish version it's Ní or Nic. If you're using the English version it's O' or Mc. So John O'Mahony and Mary O'Mahony. But Seán Ó Mathúna and Máire Ní Mhathúna.

Nic is used where Mac is used.

This all sounds like utter bollocks. It's all HIM. What HE wants. What HE thinks.

Fuck that.

She's also part of you and your heritage and your family history.

Give her your surname.
He can use his dead mother's name as a middle name.
You choose a first name TOGETHER which you both like.

Irish here and cannot for the life of me understand why he's being so pedantic about the O' vs Ni.

I have cousins with O'Surname both male and female same as their dad. And know plenty of other Irish women with O'Surname.
I don't know ANYONE who uses Ni not O'

And it is Ni not Nic

I'm afraid he's deliberately being a bit of an arsehole about this and trying to manipulate/bully you with MY FAMILY ARE DEAD AND YOU AREN'T RESPECTING MY CULTURE

It's a bit of a red flag

Nose of Tralee, good point, I have come across her!

What does Og........ mean? Is that like Small.......?

I have a friend who grew up in England with an Irish first name and Nic + surname. She inevitably had to tell people how to spell or pronounce it and Nic was sometimes confused with a middle name. I don't think it caused issues other than that though. It's only really when you travel (and perhaps when baby is small) that you give all family members' surnames side by side. Lots of families have a mix of surnames due to unmarried parents, blended families, women keeping their maiden names etc. In some European countries it's the norm.

I'd focus more the fact you don't seem to be getting as much input, and also 'caved' on the first name. Picking the middle name really isn't as important, it's the first name and surname that you'll be constantly repeating and need to compromise on (caving is not compromising).

Honestly?
Give the baby your surname. 100%

If you get married in the future then change baby's surname at the same time as you change yours, if you choose to change you're but don't give baby a surname different to yours.

You need a new set of names

DH can be: husband of OP
DD can be : daughter of OP
DS can be : son of OP.

My mother gave me her surname when I was born and then her and dad changed it to his surname when I was 3. I can’t tell you how much of a faff it is on official documents!

You have to produce the documents with both names and some forms ask for any previous surnames. When explaining the previous name people assume you’ve been divorced. When I married DH I have now added a 3rd name to my list!

My Dad is Irish and I’d never heard of the surname variation for sons/daughters.

A friend of mine has children with a different surname to her and her new DH and they always get questioned at airport security!

If I were you I’d compromise with O’xxx and pick a first name that you can both agree on.

Just to complicate matters more, if you did marry him (and using the Irish version of the surname O'Sullivan as an example), the surnames would be:

Him: Ó Súilleabháin (son of Sullivan)
You: Uí Shúilleabháin (wife of Sullivan)
DD: Ní Shúilleabháin (daughter of Sulllivan)

Also might you marry and take his surname ?

I have a friend who has the Ni prefix, I really like it. I think in context it is lovely. Might you move over to Ireland at any point ?
I can see why your DH is so set on this. As an Irish person who has lost his parents young, and is an ex-pat, the sense of himself as Irish is something he wants to pass down to his children. I’m not English and I understand that feeling of identity and wanting your children to feel it. In my case we moved back to Wales when we had children, but if we had stayed in England I know I would have wanted to preserve traditions from my culture where possible.
I would use the Ni or the O’ depending on sex.

God, why should anyone have to argue to have a say in the name that is given to their child? The child that comes out of their body in great pain, that they are going to look after every single day?

Say no to your husband. You've compromised on one aspect of the name. You have a say on the other. If he is adamant, then you can be too.

Oh and to make matters worse, I end up having to explain the name to people over and over and DM registered me and spelled it wrong LOL

Why not give your surname as one of the middle names? It'll be there on the passport but it won't be making the everyday surname any longer.

Things change.

I got stuck with traditional name from a country DF was very involved with and his ancestors came from. He turned down property in said country and we never went there because he was busy doing other stuff and there was never any money My middle name is that of a beloved Great Aunt and not really any better.

I have been on holiday there once as an adult.

I would much rather had a traditional name from the place where I was born, where my mother was born, where most of my relatives are, and where I would like to go back to.

My DSis (DC4) got the pretty names from there - DF's obsessive influence had waned by then, and DM had grown balls.

Give her names that you like. Give her your surname for now. It is simple to change it when you get married (but not if you don't).

Bean Uí XXX is even more unusual- I'm the only person that I know of that's chosen to use it.

Very annoying, as when I use my name in Irish people think I've just spelt Ní incorrectly.

@noseoftralee

Thanks for the clarification, I didn't realise that it was tradition to all have different prefixes to an Irish surname. The Irish families that I know all have the same name and prefix. That must be more common perhaps due to ease of travel etc.

I'd call your DD 'MIL name - Middle Name You Pick - Irish Ni Mouthful - Your Surname'

Assuming you like MIL name.

I have to say that it's hard becoming a parent when one/both of your parents has died. It opens a can of orphan feelings that you might not have been aware of previously. So I do have sympathy for your partner, but your child is not there to fix his grief. They are THEM, a brand new person, not a repair for the past.

“Until you are a family unit, you need to represent your own interests.”

^ this ^

I am very, very glad I held out and argued for DS to have a double barrelled sir name, in spite of the plan that we’d all have the same sir name when we get married so what was the point blah blah blah...

The marriage never happened, and DS would have been left with a completely different name to me. As the man has since completely abandoned his innocent little boy, it’s not just passport control that it’s important for. Poor DS would feel very alone if he wasn’t clearly connected to his only family left - me, his mother.

So, say for example the OP's partner is John O'Brien- that's the same he goes by in the UK and not Seán Ó Briain. They plan on calling the child Áine after his mother. He wants to call the child Áine Ní Briain, when he's John O'Brien and his partner is Sarah Smith.

I think the OP did say that her partner uses the fully Irish version (i.e. Ó Ceallaigh rather than O'Kelly). In which case his daughter would be Ní Cheallaigh.

Which I don't see a problem with, if it's what you want, OP. But it doesn't sound like it is, and his "The only name I like is my dead mother's one" sounds hugely manipulative and just generally arsey.