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Baby names

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Original poster

Baby taking Fathers surname but we're not married

69 replies

Rooroo1012 · 14/06/2018 09:50

I'm debating on whether I should give our baby his Fathers Surname.

We are not married and although we've been together for 5 years, it has been a rocky relationship.

Should I give the baby his surname or mine?
What would you do?

OP posts:
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GardenGeek · 14/06/2018 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shiklah · 14/06/2018 14:40

He's not your partner - he's broken up with you? Why would you speak to him again?

mycatplotsdeath · 14/06/2018 14:29

I've been in a relationship with my Dp for 30 years.
As we were not married when we had Dd1 she was given my surname (non negotiable on my part,I always wanted to have the same name as my children)
When Dd2 came along she got my surname for same reason.
We did and do intend to get married but have just not got around to it.
We are all fine and happy with the name situation

Original poster
Rooroo1012 · 14/06/2018 13:30

He's definitely using this as an excuse to run off until I give in but I'm not going to. I know he's just angry at me so by 'breaking up' with me is his way of acting out...like an immature child. Oh well, I'll let him get on with it as I know what decision I'm making and its to have my surname.

OP posts:
PositivelyPERF · 14/06/2018 13:15

Let him go, OP. You’ve already said the relationship has been rocky and he’s used this as an excuse to leave. He’s expecting you to run after him and promise to give the baby his name. Just don’t. This is a sign of your future relationship with him.

LastDrWho · 14/06/2018 13:15

I'm in the same camp as @Ihaventgottimeforthis both my dc's have my partners name. I'm not 'big' on marriage but expect we will marry later on when the children can be part of it and our families accept that I don't want a 'wedding.' I will keep my surname though.

In your situation I would give dc my surname, 1) to have the children having the same surname, 2) because of the rockiness of the relationship.

IveNoImagination · 14/06/2018 13:10

In your situation though I definitely would have used mine.

IveNoImagination · 14/06/2018 13:07

Both my DC have my partner's. Double barrelled it sounds silly, I have zero attachments to my name and I do plan to change it when we marry.

MrsBertBibby · 14/06/2018 12:58

Woah, he's a maniac.

Your name, and reconsider putting him on the birth certificate. Let him earn Parental Responsibility.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 14/06/2018 11:55

Just as an opposing view, DH and I had both our kids before we married. They have DH's surname, I guess it was a gesture to acknowledge his role in their lives or something.
We're married now but I didn't change my name, sometimes I do wonder if I was to travel abroad with them or anything how I would actually prove they are my DCs without taking numerous certificates. But that is the position many men are in too.
DC's aren't bothered about not sharing my name, in fact it's given us a good reason to talk about different family types, identity etc.

WaxOnFeckOff · 14/06/2018 11:44

My niece gave her son her partners surname. He's then fucked off. Although the boy has a relationship with his dad's mum, he never sees his dad. He's 10 now and doesn't like not being a "FeckOff". You could see it all happening but she was young and thought they'd be together for ever.

MikeUniformMike · 14/06/2018 11:35

The surname thing is your choice and your decision. Your DP could change his surname to yours. (Maybe best not to suggest that right now.)

Original poster
Rooroo1012 · 14/06/2018 11:24

MikeUniformMike - I definitely want my two sons to have the same surname. It just makes sense. I'm going to let my partner calm down before approaching the conversation again since he's so pissed about the baby having my surname.

OP posts:
MikeUniformMike · 14/06/2018 11:14

Give DS2 your surname. Don't double-barrel. It will be better for the two brothers to have the same surname as you, especially should you split from the father.

SnuggyBuggy · 14/06/2018 10:57

Definitely your name.

Original poster
Rooroo1012 · 14/06/2018 10:57

Yes he split up with me because of this!
Its crazy.
The thing is, his mum gave him his dads surname and they weren't married. So when they split his mum got his surname changed by deed pole back to her name! And my partner wonders why I want to give our baby my surname.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rooroo1012 · 14/06/2018 10:53

NotMyFinestMoment - thas awful. I sometimes think that my xp might use baby against me if things turned nasty which is why I want to make sure I do things correctly. Especially with the name.

OP posts:
shiklah · 14/06/2018 10:48

He split up with you because you told him you were giving your baby your name? Please don’t get back together with him.

Butterflyrosebud · 14/06/2018 10:46

I agree it seems to be ‘normal’ and I just don’t understand why.

As the mother it’s likely you will be doing most of the care giving. Doctors appointments, dealing with the school etc. I wouldn’t want to have a different name to my child - married or unmarried.

TinyPawz · 14/06/2018 10:43

My Dd has my surname changed by deed poll after marriage breakdown and new baby will have my surname too. DP isn't particularly happy with the arrangement but I don't want my Dd to feel 'different' from new baby

Original poster
Rooroo1012 · 14/06/2018 10:42

@Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar - If I sounded like I was 12 I wouldn't be seeking advice on doing the right thing. Go and troll somewhere else.

I've definitely made up my mind to keep my surname. I guess so many people around me have given their children their fathers surname and then split up. It just didn't seem normal but I'm glad I've MN advice, thanks all.

OP posts:
NotMyFinestMoment · 14/06/2018 10:42
  • edit:

I know two women currently (one married and one unmarried) who are absolutely terrified that their DC's father is going to up and leave with the child. One father took (stole) the mother and child's passport. The other woman (unmarried) had to hide the DC's passport because the father for work reasons (very good job offer) decided OUT OF THE BLUE that he was going to take a job in another European country and was taking the child with him. He's also tried on a few occasions to take the child.

I myself am in an awkward situation with my DC's father (absent father and horrible person/very controlling/spiteful). He has also tried unsuccessfully to use the child as a pawn to get back at me and then discards DC when he can't get anywhere with me. He doesn't even know where his DC goes to nursery.

As he's not on the birth certificate, it makes it very awkward (impossible) to exercise any control over our child. I expect him to go to court at some point, but so far so good.

megletthesecond · 14/06/2018 10:32

Yours. Bitter experience here.
I can't change the dc's surname as xp is long gone and wouldn't agree to it anyway.

Veterinari · 14/06/2018 10:29

Your ex P sounds like a dick. Give the baby your name then you and both of your DC have the same name no matter what

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 14/06/2018 10:26

You both sound about 12. Your poor kids...