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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

Original poster

Feeling very guilty over changing baby's name :(

31 replies

pleasenottodaythanks · 19/03/2018 12:29

Hi all -- my DH is exhausted discussing this and I need another outlet!

When my DD (who is now a toddler!!!!) was born, we had no name for her -- I stupidly thought one would "come" to me, but it devolved into weeks of hell in not being able to decide, compounded by my DH and I having different naming styles and the HUGE mistake of exploring our ideas with family, who just picked apart every name. We still had no name on the way to the registry office, and I picked one out of the blue that my sister had suggested, not even on the list!

I wasn't sure about it still, and agonised and refused to announce the name (she was now six weeks) and I felt like an utter fool. My DH said I could pick whatever name I wanted by that point, he just wanted me to be happy. I read every thread on the old name (really a very boring name, one you all have heard of) and was worried because a few people said it was "old lady and not in a nice way" and I have an old lady name and hate it. Also, my DH and I pronounce it slightly differently based on our different accents so that was kind of annoying.

So I changed it to another name on the birth certificate just to try to fix everything and I have felt awful about it ever since. I feel like I changed her. I feel like I ruined her birth certificate (old name still appears at the top). I feel like I was stupid in letting random people put me off the name, especially when a lot of people liked it. And when people online do say something bad about the name, it really smarts. One person the other day said this used to be their name and they changed it by deed poll because of a playground taunt that arose from it sending me into fresh bouts of regret!

And worse yet, the name I ended up giving her was a family name, which was great in a way, but the person was so so happy to be honoured that when I realised, shit, I never should've changed it, I was too much of a coward (or too concerned about another person's feelings is a nicer way to put it) to revert to the old name. Now I realise this was dumb and the person would've been disappointed but it would have been fine once I explained.

I don't even know what I'm asking. It's not so much that I prefer the old name to the new name! I mean, some days I do, but I guess I like both! (A thread I started comparing the two names came up pretty evenly.) And the old name is her middle name now. I just dread every day telling her when she gets older, and I just hate myself for not being a better person when she was born and sticking with the decision. Nobody I talk to seems to understand how much this gets me down.

I used to think this was PPD but she is now two! I still think about it every day! Maybe it's OCD? I don't know, but deep down inside I still feel like she doesn't really have a name :(. I've done some therapy about this that helped me sort out some of my feelings (she is going to be my only child, I loathe my own first name, I really fear hurting other people's feelings, I am a people-pleaser) but it hasn't helped the bad feelings about the whole thing go away.

I know it's such a little thing -- she is so wonderful, sweet, smiling, and everyone says she suits the name. The name gets lots of compliments on mumsnet (though I suppose it is a bit marmite given some reactions) and it's a name I used to use for myself at Starbucks, etc. so I must have liked it at some point. But what happens when I have to tell her and she might prefer the other name and thinks I'm an idiot??? (Ok, dramatic, but gives an image of what is going on constantly in my head.)

DH liked both names, and thinks it's nice to have honoured a family member. He thinks she won't mind if we don't make a big deal of it, and if she really cares she can switch herself as it's her middle name. This is so reasonable of him but for some reason I can't make myself believe it.

Please don't be harsh -- but if anyone has had a similar experience or advice about baby name guilt, I'd love to hear it!

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Itsoneofthose · 23/04/2025 21:45

In a similar situation, feel free to inbox me!

Itsoneofthose · 25/03/2025 21:59

pleasenottodaythanks · 19/03/2018 13:53

I know you all are right! This is really a mental health issue. I do love the idea of making into a funny anecdote though my DH says that too!

I suppose I also feel I got one shot at this and failed rather than enjoy what it is today, I'd somehow rather ruminate over what those first few months could have been like rather than obsessing over what is completely and utter nonsense. What does a name matter anyway? I never think of people's names when I meet them even very unusual ones. I guess I also really want my kiddo to like me and respect me -- and this is just one tangible thing.

Yes, she can always go by her middle name! I dropped her original middle name when I added the new one and I obsess over that too, unfortunately. Ah well, she can always deed poll it back if she likes!

Thanks all!

Would love to know how you are now! I basically couldn’t written this statement so I totally get it!

Itsoneofthose · 11/03/2025 21:31

pleasenottodaythanks · 19/03/2018 12:29

Hi all -- my DH is exhausted discussing this and I need another outlet!

When my DD (who is now a toddler!!!!) was born, we had no name for her -- I stupidly thought one would "come" to me, but it devolved into weeks of hell in not being able to decide, compounded by my DH and I having different naming styles and the HUGE mistake of exploring our ideas with family, who just picked apart every name. We still had no name on the way to the registry office, and I picked one out of the blue that my sister had suggested, not even on the list!

I wasn't sure about it still, and agonised and refused to announce the name (she was now six weeks) and I felt like an utter fool. My DH said I could pick whatever name I wanted by that point, he just wanted me to be happy. I read every thread on the old name (really a very boring name, one you all have heard of) and was worried because a few people said it was "old lady and not in a nice way" and I have an old lady name and hate it. Also, my DH and I pronounce it slightly differently based on our different accents so that was kind of annoying.

So I changed it to another name on the birth certificate just to try to fix everything and I have felt awful about it ever since. I feel like I changed her. I feel like I ruined her birth certificate (old name still appears at the top). I feel like I was stupid in letting random people put me off the name, especially when a lot of people liked it. And when people online do say something bad about the name, it really smarts. One person the other day said this used to be their name and they changed it by deed poll because of a playground taunt that arose from it sending me into fresh bouts of regret!

And worse yet, the name I ended up giving her was a family name, which was great in a way, but the person was so so happy to be honoured that when I realised, shit, I never should've changed it, I was too much of a coward (or too concerned about another person's feelings is a nicer way to put it) to revert to the old name. Now I realise this was dumb and the person would've been disappointed but it would have been fine once I explained.

I don't even know what I'm asking. It's not so much that I prefer the old name to the new name! I mean, some days I do, but I guess I like both! (A thread I started comparing the two names came up pretty evenly.) And the old name is her middle name now. I just dread every day telling her when she gets older, and I just hate myself for not being a better person when she was born and sticking with the decision. Nobody I talk to seems to understand how much this gets me down.

I used to think this was PPD but she is now two! I still think about it every day! Maybe it's OCD? I don't know, but deep down inside I still feel like she doesn't really have a name :(. I've done some therapy about this that helped me sort out some of my feelings (she is going to be my only child, I loathe my own first name, I really fear hurting other people's feelings, I am a people-pleaser) but it hasn't helped the bad feelings about the whole thing go away.

I know it's such a little thing -- she is so wonderful, sweet, smiling, and everyone says she suits the name. The name gets lots of compliments on mumsnet (though I suppose it is a bit marmite given some reactions) and it's a name I used to use for myself at Starbucks, etc. so I must have liked it at some point. But what happens when I have to tell her and she might prefer the other name and thinks I'm an idiot??? (Ok, dramatic, but gives an image of what is going on constantly in my head.)

DH liked both names, and thinks it's nice to have honoured a family member. He thinks she won't mind if we don't make a big deal of it, and if she really cares she can switch herself as it's her middle name. This is so reasonable of him but for some reason I can't make myself believe it.

Please don't be harsh -- but if anyone has had a similar experience or advice about baby name guilt, I'd love to hear it!

Would love to know how things panned out OP

Lostandfound81 · 16/09/2018 07:22

Sounds a mess, but post birth everything is a bit of a mess!

2 years down the line and this still preoccupies you.

Are there other issues at play here? Are you very upset and anxious about other things too?

If it really is the name issue, then if it’s a nice name in itself, I would leave it. My friend changed her name at 15. It wasn’t a big deal at all

Lollyice · 16/09/2018 07:14

We named DD really quickly when she was born, DH said 'are we calling her.... then?' and I said yes.
Later in the hospital when everyone had gone, I looked at her and thought she looked like a different name and wasn't sure about the one we had given her.
When she started nursery, her teacher made a big fuss about her name, it's quite plain and I've never met anyone else with it under the age of 40 but it rhymes with lots of words so they learned phonics with it. DD loved it and really loves her name. She's 6 now and it suits her.
We did name her for a deceased relative, changed it slightly and now BIL is going to give his dd the same name in the New Year.... but that's another thread.
I'm sure you are worrying about nothing and your DD will love her name.

Izzygrey · 16/09/2018 06:52

Don't feel bad! This is really no big deal. A name is just a name! Baby name guilt is common, and look at it this way - you and your daughter will probably have a good laugh one day about what she had been named (if it's "old lady and not in a good way" chances are a young girl will hate it!). And if she loves it, it's still sort of "hers", so she can change it back.

Agustarella · 15/09/2018 16:08

@Slightlyjaded I'm fairly sure a replacement would be an exact copy of the certificate showing the new and former names. Whenever I've had to order a replacement marriage certificate it's been a photocopy, they don't make a completely new certificate. I can't swear that it's the same for birth certificates, but it would be surprising if it wasn't.

If the question is important for the OP, I'm sure a call to the Register Office would settle the matter.

Slightlyjaded · 15/09/2018 14:01

As a practical thought.... if you ordered a new certificate (because you lost the old one) would the amendment still show?

FWIW even if it does, try to love that you loved her so much you had to give her the perfect name ❤️

Pamdoo · 15/09/2018 13:29

I think sometimes these baby name threads are just not a good idea, especially if you have anxiety around things like this. It's the same as everything in life, not everyone will like it but if you do why does it matter? We cant expect everyone to like everthing we do. You haven't ruined anything for her. Stop beating yourself up about it! If she really hates it when she's older she can change it or do something with it, but it's just a name it doesn't have any bearing on much in life really! It's just something to refer to us by.

Give yourself a break OP! Flowers

Agustarella · 15/09/2018 13:16

@Summerdays1 Yes, her birth was registered with the old middle name when I realised I couldn't do that to her, and changed it soon after. It was a very simple procedure. My older DCs told DD2 the name change story years later to wind her up, but luckily she thought it was funny. She has bestowed the old name on a favourite doll, but prefers the new one because it was a family name on her dad's side, so it's a small link to her heritage.

My only slight worry now (probably not relevant to you) is that we're moving to France and they are notoriously picky about paperwork, so I hope the fact that the birth certificate shows the both the new and old names but the passport only shows the new name, isn't going to cause delays. Obviously this is a niche problem for expats in France, and more of an inconvenience than a disaster even for them. I only found out about the issue because of this video by a British-Irish youtuber with multiple middle names, whose passports show different versions of his full name. He had to jump through some extra administrative hoops in order to get married in Corsica, though I think he managed it in the end.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=wcfHOPZ-wmI

I wasn't aware of any of this when I changed the name but I would still change it if I had my time again. After all, a birth certificate is only something you need to show in order to get some other document like a passport or whatever, it's not something one really thinks about otherwise.

littledinaco · 15/09/2018 12:52

Can you call her both names, like a nickname and just interchange them? My friend is known by both her middle name and first name and has been all her life, so some people call her just Anna, some call her just Kate and some interchange them so use Anna in one conversation, Kate on the next. She’s never called Anna-Kate though.

I know a few people who are known to say friends by their first name and family by their middle name.

OhTheRoses · 15/09/2018 12:42

Providing you haven't called her Precious Princess Lady Araminta I think you'll be fine. Move on.

Itsear · 15/09/2018 12:35

Please don’t worry about ‘ruining’ her birth certificate. They are used once in a blue moon to apply for things, it isn’t something that you look at or show anyone any other time. When you explain it all you say is that you preferred the new name, it really won’t be a big deal.

Slightlyjaded · 15/09/2018 09:52

The key word you’ve said is ruminate. I do this (am currently obsessing over something from the recent past that is done now and I can’t change) but I agree it stems from being a people-pleaser and someone who wants to ‘fix’ everything.

My current obsession isn’t a baby name but still has elements of it feeling like a big life decision that I can’t amend. It’s also affects my DD (who is older than your DD and thinks I’m mad to go in about it and couldn’t give two hoots).

Sorry to be un-specific but I just want to tell you that I get the obsessive thoughts/regrets about something that nobody else is concerned about.

Your DH sounds lovely btw. And your DD will be fine.

Summerdays1 · 15/09/2018 09:42

Thanks Augustarella,

Did you change it after you registered her? I just feel like I’ve ruined her birth certificate. Hate that I will have to explain it one day

Agustarella · 15/09/2018 00:14

You did your best, no need to feel bad at all. I gave DD2 a horrible middle name but changed it when she was a baby. I still cringe when I think about the old one.

Summerdays1 · 14/09/2018 22:40

Hi pleasenottodaythanks,

Reading your post is exactly how I’m feeling. I had a name for my DS but when he was born (after a traumatic birth) I totally went off the name and went with something completely not on the list aswell as the second name. What the heck was I thinkng?
We got him registered and as soon as I walked out the reigstry office I knew I made a mistake. I hate the name and middle name. After weeks if delibrating wether to change it, I decided on changing the middle name to make it sound a little better and now I’ve been crying and thinking about it everyday. I think mainly about how the birth certificate is and looks and that I’d have to explain it to him one day.

I feel totally guilty that I let this happen. I wondered how you are feeling now and what you did/doing to help you?

I’ve been feeling and thinking like this for 6 months and I’m getting so tired of it. Extremely emotional all the time.

Hope you can share your coping mechanisms

Trialsmum · 19/03/2018 17:48

In the nicest possible way, just reading your post was exhausting! I can’t imagine how much headspace this must be taking up for you. Honestly, you need to find a way to move on, for your own sanity. I’m sure her name is lovely, do you want to say what it is?

LemonysSnicket · 19/03/2018 14:52

You do sound very very worked up about it - possibly anxiety (impending feeling of doom) or Pure O ( OCD but just the obsessive part).

I hope you feel better soon.

Thistlebelle · 19/03/2018 13:57

Of course your child will like you!

Whether she respects you will be down to your parenting and have nothing whatsoever to do with her name!

Original poster
pleasenottodaythanks · 19/03/2018 13:53

I know you all are right! This is really a mental health issue. I do love the idea of making into a funny anecdote though my DH says that too!

I suppose I also feel I got one shot at this and failed rather than enjoy what it is today, I'd somehow rather ruminate over what those first few months could have been like rather than obsessing over what is completely and utter nonsense. What does a name matter anyway? I never think of people's names when I meet them even very unusual ones. I guess I also really want my kiddo to like me and respect me -- and this is just one tangible thing.

Yes, she can always go by her middle name! I dropped her original middle name when I added the new one and I obsess over that too, unfortunately. Ah well, she can always deed poll it back if she likes!

Thanks all!

OP posts:
LadyPug · 19/03/2018 13:35

Don’t worry, three people in my family go by their middle name, nobody would know it wasn’t their name unless you saw driving license, passport, marriage certificate etc

sotired2 · 19/03/2018 13:35

You need to stop worrying what other people might or might not think - if you cant I think the problem is deeper than you picking a wrong name and you need professional help to work through this - you can not please all the people all of the time and trying to do so is causing you unnecessary stress.

Look at the bigger picture "she is so wonderful, sweet, smiling" - some would give their right arm to be able to write this statement.

If and its a big IF she hates her name when she is older she can choose to change it if she wishes - I dont particularly like mine but stick with it as it is just a name there are bigger issues to face out there.

My advice would be to stop worrying over this and just enjoy your DD

JennyHolzersGhost · 19/03/2018 13:14

She has both the names. That’s the perfect compromise. When she’s older she can choose which she prefers for herself. Don’t worry. You did the right thing.

Holycrapwhatnow · 19/03/2018 13:11

She will be fine. Are you ok? I felt for a long time I'd mucked up DD1s name (so tired and frazzled after a not great c section and complications, suddenly every name we'd chosen seemed terrible) - but actually she's ok, the name she's ended up with isn't the one I'd choose if doing it over, but she likes it and is fine. Like your DD, if she hates it later, she can always change - and your DD has the added benefit of making a loved one feel treasured and honoured, which is lovely.

For me it was a manifestation of PPD and stress. Are you otherwise feeling happy? Last time did you ever talk to anyone who suggested any wider anxiety or OCD type issues? I'd suggest going back to your gp, these thoughts are intruding on your relationship with your child and hopefully can be better addressed.