Middle name honouring dead mother - DH does not agree...

Is his dad alive or dead? I can't work that bit out. So he wants their (presumably the same) name as a middle name if it's a boy. Is your mum's name outdated now or something? Just trying to work out why he's being such a dick. Please don't back down. I absolutely love that my dd has my dead mum's name as a middle name. Every time I have to use her full name it makes me happy.

I've only read your first post but this had made me so so angry! My Mum died a couple of years before my dd was born. She has my mum's middle name and if my dh had been against that or tried to add his alive mother's name in there too I would have hit the roof! How dare he not want to honour your mother?! How selfish. Or is it a French thing to have both mum's name in there or something? I'll read your other posts now.

We used my late Nanna's name as our daughters middle name (it is very much a typical Nan name), I would of loved for them to have known each other, I adored my Nan. The husband had no issue with it. I double barrelled my last name when I got married and I did toy with giving it to our daughter, so she would have both our last names, which I think is nice but it would of been a mouthful and it didn't flow with the names we had chosen for her, so she has my husbands name. He's never once got huffy or said that his children must have his last name or anything.

I honestly don't understand when some men get all... I don't know if territorial is the right word but I'll go with it, about last names, I know one friends partner (at the time) got really offended and pissy when she said she was thinking about keeping her own name, he got all 'my wife and my children will have MY name'. Like it was an affront to him to want to keep her name. I do not get it. But I digress! He is being very unreasonable. You should absolutely be able to name your child after your mother.

Your husband sounds horrendous. How petty could anyone be that they won't allow the woman they love to honour their mother who is no longer with them with a middle name only unless their mother also gets mentioned. Reading your OP makes me furious on your behalf. There's no way I'd tolerate that kind of meanness and disrespect. Give your daughter your mother's name as her first name, and your surname and LTB.

Why wouldn't you pass on a name to honour your late mother?

I can't understand the idea that you should just pick a random pretty name instead.

I think he is being unreasonable too.

We used my maiden name (can be used as a boy's name anyway) as ds1 middle name and MILs maiden name as ds2 middle name

if the baby is a boy i fully agree with my husband's wish of using his beloved grandad's and dad's name as a middle name

But he says you can't do what is, in effect, the same thing if it's a girl? He's an arse.

What about choosing names with the same initials as your mum's?

I can see your point OP and your dp is being insensitive, but it seems a shame to get into an argument over this. Especially as I have just been chatting on a thread about how the child wants to change her name. Is there some other way you could include memories of your dm in your daughter's upbringing. Maybe you could make a memory box of mementos of your dm that the children would enjoy looking at as they grow up and tell them stories about her. Was there something she especially liked doing you could do with your children?

Put your foot down on this - it is happening.

Sometimes you just have to.... X

My MIL died a few months before dd was born. Dd has MIL's name as a middle name. It felt right as we were so sad MIL would never get to meet her / vice versa. Ultimately I don't think middle names are that important but if you go for one it's nice to have a connection to someone rather than just another name you like. I think it's quite different to naming a child after a living relative.

Could you try saying that where you come from (don't make it too specifically British in case he talks to other people to find out it's not as widespread as you suggested, could be just a regional thing. Even if that 'region is just you!) it's unlucky to include the names of living relatives but lucky to include a deceased gp's name.

This the both or neither solution doesn't work for you, that everything else the baby is having will be French as that's where you will be living and dd will be immersed in French family, traditions, schooling, life... so that this is very important because it feels like he is trying to extinguish every last scrap of non-French-ness in your dd and that's just not on.

And maybe dangle the carrot of using the name as middle name for your next dd - mil will always have special bond with your dd for being the first gc from him, the next one will then be able to have a special bond too. And leave decisions about dd2's name until it is actually an issue!

My DD has a middle name that is used on both sides of the family, but wasn't a first name for either grandparent. Plenty of people have no middle name at all though (my mum for one!).

I can see that you want your family (and specifically your mother) to be represented in your family and I can understand that. You see your mother as being 'excluded' from your DC's lives - I don't see it quite like that.

I talk to my DD about the grandparents she didn't meet or didn't know for very long - because although MIL died before DD was born, my own mother died unexpectedly when DD was a toddler.

I don't see middle names as specifically a link to family, fine to pick a name that you love too.

He's being a total dick, OP. Your baby will have his last name, a French first name to honour his side of the family, and will be spending considerable time with his mother. He's being selfish, unreasonable and incredibly controlling to refuse to give the baby your mum's middle name. (And how many people use or know middle names anyway?)

Is he an arse in other ways as well?

He sounds completely unreasonable. If DP and I go on to have another DD, I'm going to suggest the middle name is his late DSister's name. If he had suggested it, I wouldn't have insisted on having my DSister's name as well because she is still here and very much involved in her current niece's life.

Your DH is being completely unreasonable. Your mother is being excluded from your child's entire life by not being with you any more, so your DH needs to back the hell down.

My mother died right before dd1 was born, so we gave dd1 my mother's name as her middle name. When dd2 put in her appearance we gave her mil's name (mil is still alive). Nobody, least of all DH batted an eyelid.

Sorry you are going through this OP. I also agree he is being unreasonable. Maybe he is afraid of offending his mother? But if she is reasonable she will perfectly understand and be on your side. I agree with @duckstar regarding enlisting her support.

I'd reserve the battleground approach for later.. but definitely stand your ground!!

It is a beautiful thing to do for your mum and I hope your OH ends up seeing it too.

Good luck!

DH proposed - only once - using his late mother's name as a middle name and I refused, on similar grounds to your DH (why exclude my mum?!) and there was no way I was using both mother's names!

My own middle name is that of a grandparent I never met or knew. It is a nice gesture from an adult, but I don't think it means quite the same for the child.

I hope you can come to an agreement that you are both happy with.

I think he's being cruel. I know MIL get a bashing on MN but someone would have to take serious offence that a child was given a name of someone much loved, but deceased, and not them. Do you get on well with your MIL could you have a chat with her? Get her on your side?

YANBU. We gave DD1 my mother's name as her middle name. DM wasn't dead but was terminally ill when she was born so it was a way of making a lasting connection between them.

When we had DD2, DH wanted his mum's name as the middle name. I agreed, but inwardly I hated it as it seemed to devalue using my mum's name for DD1. I know this is irrational, and I have never made my feelings about it known, but I completely understand where you are coming from.