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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Middle name honouring dead mother - DH does not agree...

59 replies

oeufdepaques · 29/07/2017 08:20

Baby due in a week and we still haven't sorted out a first name but will most likely be a French name as my DH is French and we live in a French speaking country. However I told DH that if the baby is a girl I would like her middle name to be my mother's (very English!) name. My mother died not so long ago and I want my child to have her name to honour her memory.

DH said absolutely no way unless his mother's name is there too. Now i like mil and we have a great relationship but she is very much alive and gets to spend so much time with our dc. My mum will never meet them; they will have no memories of her and I just wanted this baby to have something special to remember her maternal gm by. Putting mil's name there too just makes it all feel less special if that's clear. Not mention it becoming a bloody long name.

Fwiw I don't have DH's name so the dc already share their surname with mil but not my family. And DH and his siblings have no middle names so it's not like they're important to mil and their family.

I may be being selfish and probably overly emotional but I just feel let down by DH - I have no mum and I just wanted to honour her memory in a special way but he said it's either both names or nothing.

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Original poster

oeufdepaques · 31/07/2017 21:17

Oh more replies. Thanks.

DH said I could use his gf's name and my dad's. But I'm not petty and intent on making things supposedly 'fair'. My dad is around and I would see no need to include his name to remember him.

Maybe this is all about me! But I will have no memories of my mum with my dc. It would be nice to have her name and just her name as a way of remembering her.

I'm sure we will sort it. Maybe a suggestion of my surname will shock DH into agreement!

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bunningsbunny · 31/07/2017 20:00

Curious - you say he wants to use his grandfather's name to honour his gf should you have /have had a boy, was he expecting that child to also have a middle name from your dad or gf or was he expecting to just have his choice of middle name?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 31/07/2017 18:35

I think the easiest and kindest thing is to use both names. Two middle names isn't an issue.

DontChewMonkey · 31/07/2017 18:28

I can't imagine becoming a mil and being in any way bothered if my child and their significant other wanted to name their dc after a deceased relative, especially not a mother.

InfiniteCurve · 31/07/2017 17:46

I don't quite see why your new DD can't have both grandmothers names?
MIL may be around now,but presumably not forever....
Long names are not such an issue imo,speaking as someone with 2 middle names,a long first name,and long original surname -31 letters in all.
It might be nice for your DD as an adult to know her name commemorates both her grandmothers.

Butterymuffin · 31/07/2017 17:39

Yes, give him the choice of your mum's name as first name or middle name. Or as middle name or else baby gets your surname. Don't see why he gets it all his way and you don't get any of yours.

cansu · 31/07/2017 17:34

Tell him that if he does not wish to use your mums name then the baby will have your surname. He is being a real arse.

TheCraicDealer · 31/07/2017 16:28

I'd have told him I'd rather swap the middle name for the chance for my mum to meet the baby, but as life isn't "fair" I don't have that option.

Is he normally this fucking obtuse? He's being very, very unfair, especially with the agreement re. the potential boy-middle name.

Icewindfire98 · 31/07/2017 12:59

Wow your oh is being horrible

I agree - speak directly to your mil - say how sad you are that your mum won't be here to meet her but at least you have her then explain about the name. Then tell your oh that your mil was happy with just your mums dad. Promise your mil the next girl!

Blogwoman · 31/07/2017 09:30

Any chance of your MIL becoming your ally in this? Could you explain the situation to her & ask her to back you up? Shouldn't need to of course but it might help. Totally reasonable wish on your part OP, as many have said here. Stick to your guns.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 31/07/2017 09:13

Yes, I understand where he thinks he is coming from but his rigidity about 'fairness' is not only wrong (it's not 'fair' that your mum is dead) but it's a really ugly attitude to have to someone he loves.

Original poster

oeufdepaques · 31/07/2017 08:22

Thanks for all further replies. We haven't really discussed it in any more detail but I'm going to try to stick to my guns on this one.

I think what's bugging me the most is that he just seems determined to make things 'fair'. It's not about using his mum's name as it's a nice gesture. It's so my mum doesn't seem to get preferential treatment. How that can ne when she's dead i don't know. It's not as if she ever gets to spend any time with dc like his mum does .

Anyway, thanks again, glad to read that the general feeling is that I'm not being unreasonable.

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 29/07/2017 19:05

Well you better make damn sure if it's a boy that your dad's name is on there too so he's not excluded.

Imnotatypicalsausage · 29/07/2017 18:57

Your DH is being a bit of a knob being so rigid and refusing to discuss it.

However, if you don't plan to have any more kids, maybe he's thinking about the fact that his mum will be dead at some point and maybe wants a way to remember her, and plus if it is a girl then he won't have had the chance to use the dad/grandad name that he really wants to pass on.

Would it really be so bad to have both names in there? Put his mum's name second, no one cares about the second middle name. You will get what you want which is your mum's name remembered, and he will get what he wants. I don't really see why it would dilute the tribute to your mum. Surely this is a better solution than one of you always feeling bitter about it?

seven201 · 29/07/2017 18:18

". I may just go for no middle names and then everyone is 'happy'!"

Do not give in! You would not be happy. Could you get someone else to speak to him. He's being such a selfish twat. Maybe show him this thread? He can come and give his point of view if he wishes. He's not had to lose a parent so he simply does not get it or is the biggest cockwomble ever.

MammieBear · 29/07/2017 14:45

Stick to your guns on this one hun, your in the right.

insancerre · 29/07/2017 14:29

He is being very unreasonable
DS has my brothers name as a middle name. He died age 17 on the same day as I found out I was pregnant
I said I wanted the baby to have his name as a middle name if a boy. Dh didn't really get a say, but he did agree with me
I registered ds' birth in the hospital, so I didn't even need Dh to be there, or give his permission

I think you need to have a conversation and tell him how much it means to you.
I think you may resent him if you don't use your chosen name

histinyhandsarefrozen · 29/07/2017 14:21

He is a mean-spirited shit. Really.

user1471547428 · 29/07/2017 13:27

You should stick with what you want.

Jewish tradition is to name after deceased relatives, it's unlucky to name someone after a living relative. Maybe you could borrow the tradition for the sake of the discussion?

But really he's being completely unreasonable.

brightlightceiling · 29/07/2017 12:21

Do you plan on having more children? If yes, would you be ok with him choosing tge middle name?

I think that you should use your mothers name but would it be so bad to add his mothers name? She won't ive forever and you might never have another daughter.

Fwiw, I told my DH that if we ever have a daughter she will have my late mums name as a middle name, not negotiable. However, I am willing to add a version of his mums name as well. After my mums name of course

Maryz · 29/07/2017 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 29/07/2017 11:39

YANBU. I do think it's rather selfish of him to say no; his mum gets to meet them, so it would be nice for them to have your mum's memory in their name.

BertrandRussell · 29/07/2017 11:34

". I may just go for no middle names and then everyone is 'happy'!"

No they aren't. You aren't.
Can you get your MIL to tell him he's being an arse?

Original poster

oeufdepaques · 29/07/2017 11:11

I feel too seven that it would make me happy to use my mum's name. If the name is : first name, my dm's name, mil's name, DH surname it will just feel like it's half of mil's full name!

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Original poster

oeufdepaques · 29/07/2017 11:10

No his dad isn't dead. If the baby is a boy we will use his grandfather's name as a middle name which is also the second part of his dad's double barelled name.

He's happy to use my mum's name but on the condition his mum's name is there too. When I said that I felt that took away the sentiment behind honouring my dead mother; he said it was all or nothing.

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