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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

Original poster

Surname?

81 replies

PirateQueenie · 02/05/2017 08:40

This probably sounds like a petty issue to some - just wondering if anyone's been in the same boat or how you resolved it.

My partner and I aren't married, although we know we will be one day. The thing is I don't know whether I will change my name in marriage anyway - my mum didn't, and I'm named after a historical figure so love my full name. Now what name do we give baby? Loads of people have said well you've carried the child so therefore your name. And although that's true, my partner is just as deserving to use his name surely? I know how gutted I'd be if I didn't share the name with my child, so I know he'll be just as upset not to?!
As I said, probably a none-issue to most people, but we really can't decide without one of us left upset....
PS - the double barrel thing just wouldn't work for us as we both have unusual and longish surnames as it is 😕

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TheWeeWitch · 03/05/2017 16:48

A swerve OT here -

I've got a different name to my DCs and if I'm traveling alone with them I'm often asked to provide birth certificates and our marriage certificate at border points - and it's most often happened to me at bloody Heathrow too!

Cringiest · 03/05/2017 16:30

Make up a new name for everyone. Much better and you can chose something really good.

AceRag · 03/05/2017 16:18

I think it's something lots of people obsess over when in reality, other people are barely going to notice/care. Okay, they might think "wow that's a long name" the first time they hear it, but then they'll soon get over it.

FWIW, I think an Irish O' surname sounds better coming after the other one, in my humble opinion.

Original poster
PirateQueenie · 03/05/2017 16:12

Ace - Yeah I agree with the two surnames over the hyphen for sure. My surname begins with O'... (Irish) and my OH's is a very rare Dutch (i think) name. Mine is 3 syllables, his two. I guess it could work, I just feel like it'll be a bit of a mouthful and not sure which order would sound best

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AceRagOff · 03/05/2017 16:01

Either way, I agree that it would be weird not to share your surname with your child, and given that neither I nor my OH would want that, I can't see any reason not to use both (with or without a hyphen).

We see these threads pretty often and some people are so against using both (and they always claim its because of their specific surnames not sounding perfect together), but really it's the perfect solution.

AceRagOff · 03/05/2017 15:58

I like the idea of using both names in the surname but without a hyphen. It's what people do as standard in plenty of other countries. For some reason, the hyphen makes me want to say the names more quickly and "together as one" than without. And without the hyphen, it's kind of like having one of the names as a middle name like PPs suggested, but without any chance of it just being unknown and forgotten about.

For example, I may be crazy here, but

Olive Thompson Smith

sounds nicer than

Oliver Thompson-Smith

to me.

BillyButtfuck · 03/05/2017 15:42

DS1 has my maiden name as his first name as I was the last of the bloodline to have it so we wanted it to appear elsewhere.

Imstickingwiththisone · 03/05/2017 15:01

I didn't really know about blended surnames when i was pregnant. Ive been told that's what's done in Spain as standard and i like the idea but in practice, my DP and my surname would have sounded shite blended Grin

Original poster
PirateQueenie · 03/05/2017 14:51

Thanks so much imsticking. I was starting to think I was losing my mind here!
Quiet I wasn't referring to you either.

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Imstickingwiththisone · 03/05/2017 14:42

Seriously don't understand the shitty attitude some posters have got on here. OP asked for an opinion and people got snidey when she made a different decision to what they suggested. Next time i ask for advice on here should i add a disclaimer in stating I won't be following all suggestions made?

Good luck choosing a name OP but it sounds like you're almost there.

Fwiw my point of view when coming to this decision was that i would have the bond of carrying the baby through pregnancy and giving birth and a name didn't feel so important to me. I gave my DC my DP's surname but i don't intend to use it myself when we marry.

BertrandRussell · 03/05/2017 14:39

I'm not being judgemental. I'm being world weary.

QuietNameChange · 03/05/2017 14:37

Are we? Well, on mumsnet I'm usually the cynical realist I actually am. In real life that is often (not towards DH or close family) hidden by a respectable veneer of socially acceptable and cheerful femininity Wink

No, seriously. My advice would be to double barrel. Especially because you say you won't take your DF's name anyway. If you do change your opinion about this you could still change her name after the wedding.

And anyhow, you say it was a 50/50 chance... I personally honestly doubt it. Simply because I've never seen it the other way around (the father's name as a middle name). But that doesn't mesn I don't respect your decision. Many people on mumsnet may not agree with mine either...

Original poster
PirateQueenie · 03/05/2017 14:17

Are all of you like this in your day to day lives? So judgmental of women that act differently to how you would? I find it fascinating that you're all so negative with very little back story or knowledge of a particular person or family.

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BertrandRussell · 03/05/2017 14:12

One of those decisions women make in a vacuum...........

Original poster
PirateQueenie · 03/05/2017 14:12

Eh?? Reading alot into people's comments? How odd...

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MitzyLeFrouf · 03/05/2017 14:11

You're reading an awful lot into people's comments. Catch some more of those calming sunbeams!

Original poster
PirateQueenie · 03/05/2017 14:11

Flogging - so how exactly is it weighed? If you're talking about national statistics then that's not my situation. I took my mums surname, not dads. So what happened there then? All odds were stacked against them, according to your logic. So what happened? A miracle perhaps? Or just a normal conversation between two adults where they decided on the name of their child?

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Original poster
PirateQueenie · 03/05/2017 14:09

Mitzy - sure?? I guess from your sarcastic remark you have an entire picture built of me and my life eh? Life must be fun in your house.

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Floggingmolly · 03/05/2017 14:08

Having only two options doesn't necessarily make the odds on the outcome 50/50. All options aren't weighted equally, that's not how probability works.

Original poster
PirateQueenie · 03/05/2017 14:07

Flogging - well yes, considering I said I don't ascribe to either principle but will have to choose one. I then chose one and got "you said you didn't believe in that tradition", but had a done the opposite then I would have chosen another I didn't believe in. That's what I meant.

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MitzyLeFrouf · 03/05/2017 14:06

Sure.

Original poster
PirateQueenie · 03/05/2017 14:05

"calm down" - thanks for the condescension but I'm currently lay in the sun relaxing, very calmly ☺☀
No. Statistically more men may share their child's surname than women (when they don't have the same surname), but in this case it was 50/50. Mine, or my partners. 1/2 = 50/50.
I know this may shatter your vision of me being a controlled and suppressed little woman who bows down to everything my partner (supposedly) orders. If I was as concerned as you are about having to enforce my female right, I would just say that to my partner and he would be fine with me using my surname. I wanted to just think out the options and make a decision between us. Which we have.

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Smudddle · 03/05/2017 14:05

I am married but kept my name. DD has DH's surname. I agreed to this and thought it was fair at the time, but had not discovered mumsnet at that point, nor had I thought fully about the politics of parenting, family roles etc etc. I wish I had given DD my surname or double barrelled. It would be a very unwieldy name, but lots of people have long and unusual names. At least you are getting your name in there somewhere but give it proper thought (not suggesting you haven't!). I try not to have regrets but I do think about it quite a bit.

Floggingmolly · 03/05/2017 14:02

Fucked if you do, fucked if you don't?? Confused. Hardly. It doesn't affect anyone but you...

honeycheeerios · 03/05/2017 14:00

I really don't think it matters. If you are sure you will never take DP's name, I would ensure both names are used personally.

When my daughter and I had different names (same now since married her father) the only time I had issues was in the airport (incidentally when returning home rather than leaving the country Hmm)

My husband walked through passport control alone and I carried our daughter through as she was sleeping on me. I was asked whose child she is, and why our names don't match, then was told I should not have carried her through, he should have, because of our different names Hmm wtf?!

But apart from that, different names have never been a problem, it just feels nice to all be the same I suppose.