AIBU .. my father other OH father .. name wars

Finally managed to catch up on the new messages and the 'conversation' still goes on. Dh is not against using my dads name but still wants to have his dads name in there as well but hasn't actually gone into detail of how he think this should be done. He emailed me late one night during his night shift to discuss the matter and he seems to find this easier (he was not raised to talk about things very well so prefers non-contact conversations - can be frustrating for me who is opposite) saying he wanted to honour and remember both fathers which is fine but I quite bluntly put it to him that his father is not dead and you dont honour someone who is not dead to which his reply was but he won't be here forever. I have been pushing the whole FIL will be happy to have a grandson to carry on family name I.e. Surname which DH agrees but still pushes the actually use of his dads first name and I just don't get it! Seem like 3 steps forward and 2 steps back. I took matters into my own hands at latest consulting appointment and asked to check sex of baby and have it written down so that if we decided to know I can just call midwife. So now we have that option and it's becoming more and more viable but I was so dead set on not finding out again 😡😡😡😡😡

His dad's still alive, that would be my point. jI refused to name any of our children after anyone living.

I think you are being reasonable, OP. Good luck.

Dead father being remembered definitely trumps alive dad being possibly upset- he should be flipping grateful he is alive to enjoy his grandchild. Yanbu at all.

My dad's name will probably be a middle name for our son. I haven't 100% decided, but not only has my DP had two former chances to name his sons after his father, he insists that his name be the name before the surname. So he gets his name or his dad's name, up to him! Hoping very much he chooses his name because his dad's name next to my dad's name = a nursery rhyme. Think birds that are encouraged to fly away...

I hope you get the outcome you're after OP, if it helps at all, I think your DP is being very selfish and his DF should clearly be able to see why your DF would be honoured in the name. His DF is honoured enough to be around to be in the life of your baby.

Sorry but am I correct in thinking that your DH doesn't want to use your much beloved deceased dads name as a middle name in case it insults his very much alive father. I would be fuming if I were you. Dhs dad passed away young and we named ds after him. I never knew my late fil but he sounded like a wonderful man and I know my dh really feels his passing especially now that we have children.

I swear to god deciding middle names is much harder than deciding first names.

My DS has my late dad's first name as a middle name, I put my foot down on that because DSD has MiL's name so it's not like 'his side' is missing out on a family name in their grandkids and also both his parent's are still alive.

We could only give one family name as a middle name because the other middle name had a special connection to us as a couple.

This time around, if we have a daughter then most likely be my mum's middle name as her middle name (because my mum's middle name is much nicer than her first name) and if we have a son he would have FIL's name.

I'm not having a third child to even out the distribution of middle names

I think you dh and in-laws are being selfish twats. They are all still alive. Your dad who you were extremely close to is not. You must 100% have Malcolm and no other names as the middle name. Stand your ground. I am getting angry writing this as I just think they are being so heartless. I absolutely love that my daughter has my dead mum's middle name. It makes me so happy when I have to use the whole name as I feel my daughter has that connection to the wonderful lady she never got to meet. If my dh had in any way disagreed with that (other than hating the name itself possibly) I would have lost my shit at him. Agh I'm so annoyed for you! Eat chocolate for courage then tell your dh that Malcolm as a middle name means the world to you and you will not be budging. Maybe say he can pick the first name (as long as it's not his dad's!).

Also the Elsie-Ann instead of Elsie Ann is reidicyloys!!!

Did your dad have a middle name or could you use your maiden name as a middle name?

I think your DH is being unreasonable actually.

I lost both my parents. DP and I are ttc and do not agree on any names at all, but my mum's name will be our daughters middle name should we be lucky enough to have one. It's not even up for debate. I would like to use one of my dad's names for a son also, but never lived with my dad and didn't have the same bond as with my mum, so am more open to debate on this one.

Generally I think it can get too complicated trying to honour various family members, but in this case you have a very valid reason and your DP is being really quite childish refusing to even discuss it.

I think after reading your update that you should stick to Malcolm as a middle name.
Your in law's house ace bad their chance to choose baby names.
I imagine if you use file name then they will refer to, your child as firstname_filsname and you will be forever correcting them.
I don't believe in choosing a name just because a living relative gas that name, I know lots of adults who are, embarrassed when parents have done this.

We didn't go with our first choice name for dd1 due to fil poisoning dh about the name. After that we didn't tell in law's any of our intentions.

Use both of them but put your dads name first.

Luckily for us, my dad and my father-in-law have the same name so we used that as DS 2nd middle name after another name I liked but not family-related...

Thanks everyone. I think im gna have to bite the bullet and have an uncomfortable conversation with my DH and work out what is best. TBH we had a similar situation when choosing our DD name and settled on an abbreviation of my mums family name Elizabeth (Elsie) and used his mums family name Ann as middle so she still had family connections (even though MIL insists on double barrel even when told.its not a double barrelled name just to use her middle name i think) but also her own name and i think thats what im.looking for 2nd time round. .. i have slight in-law issues

All 3 of our children had my husbands surname with the agreement that their middle names were from MY side of the family.

If your boyfriend wants his dads middle name then you should use YOUR surname.

Yes same person just changed my username x

I have two middle names - my two grandmothers, my brother has the two grandfathers. Yes it's all quite long (both my middle names are also unusual) but I actually like having something a) meaningful and b) different to the Rose or Louise everyone else my age has. Just use both names.

I think yanbu. My mum is dead and I want to give my dc her first name as a middle name if it's a girl. I've said that we can use dh's grandad's name if it's a boy and won't be kicking up a fuss that my dad's name isn't at all included. I respect that my dh wants to honour to grandad as they were very close.

The way I see it is that living relatives are far luckier to be alive and get to have a relationship with their dgc. For me a name choice is recognition to the person who is dead and putting both names in detracts from that.

Two middle names.

Floozy89 and Mrswakey are the same person??

Too middle names might be a good suggestion.
I really understand your position so YANBU for me

I can see myself unfortunately giving in and striking both names from the list as to not cause upset with OH, MIL and FIL but upsetting my own mum and myself at the same time. I have even tried to think of ways to twist and turn my dads name but it just isn't possible. My dads name is Malcolm if anyone can suggest anything.

Yes DH father is still alive. I am under the impression though from my FIL that if baby is a boy (also 1st male grandchild on OH side) that he would be happy that he had a boy to carry on his family name as that's how my dad would have been.

I see where ur coming from and can also see why my OH feels about it and if I'm honest I think I'm trying to keep control as OH parents and sisters have developed a habit of renaming our DD and keep double barrelling her name as her middle name is his mums family middle name and after numerous conversations about not doing it cos that's not DD name they all argue and say if it isn't then we shouldn't of called her that and I just don't want it to happen again with baby no.2. God I sound pathetic.. it's impossible to keep everyone happy

Bloody autocorrect. Dd not dad in places!

DH and I agreed that we wouldn't use the names of anyone currently living in our families. Otherwise, if you use one family name, you feel pressured to use others etc.

So the only name we've chosen to use that's a family name is the name of my dad who passed years ago.

If you can't work out an agreement that's like that, it seems you'll either have to find a way to honour both sides, or choose not to honour either.

Is your DH's dad still alive? My mum is dead and I asked told my dh that we would be using my mum's first name as dad's middle name. If he'd have hated the name then it would have been up for debate but his mum is still alive so it didn't even occur to us me at least to think about using it. Your dad's name trumps his dad's in my view!