DP won't let me pick our daughter's name!

We know what we have bern told.

And that is that the OP is offering solutions that respects both views and he is rejecting all of them in favour of having the final say.

I cannot believe that people make such a massive decision about having a child together and then have ludicrous arguments about a name.

What happened to talking to each other and making a mutual decision?

Doinitfine, you (and I) know next to nothing about this situation. You are projecting a cart load of assumption onto it

As such you want to get off on the right foot by both you and your DP feeling that your views on the name are being respected.

That would be good advice for the person who doesn't resoect his partner's view and is trying to force his own way of thinking on her.

But he is not asking for advice.

The person asking for advice is already respecting his views.

But tgat is nit enough for him. He expects obedience.

What is your advice for her in a situation where her views are not respected?

Exactly neonrainbow, there's a lot of glib talk here and people making massive assumptions on the DP's character based on a few lines of description.

Oh yeah im a penis worshipper because im not telling the op to follow a course of action that would probably destroy her relationship. Ie register the baby without him, with her own choice of names. Some of you live in cloud cuckoo land. I would say i am a feminist but also a realist. This is someones real life.

OP, first of all lets keep the overall goal; this is naming a child that you and your DP made and presumably intend to rear together. As such you want to get off on the right foot by both you and your DP feeling that your views on the name are being respected. Pay no heed to those who want you to subordinate your relationship to gender politics!

Having said that, you should insist on a double-barrelled surname, or if you prefer, your surname as middle name. That's the least you can expect

And then for first name, your DP needs to be told to grow up and that you are going to pick a name you both can agree on. As most of the other threads on here attest to, it might take a while, but 2 adults can ultimately get there.

Good luck.

"He has equal rights over the child as the OP. It's perfectly normal for the baby to have his surname, and an agreed upon set of first names."

So you think that because it is the norm for babies to have a father's surname, he gets that as the default , and then equal say in the choice of all other names , and you see that as 'equal '?

The whole point (IMO) is that for things to be equal, there should be no expectation that the man gets a free bonus for starters in laying down the surname.

I agree that once they are at the stage of registering the child alone to establish the name then the relationship is done for. But if the only way to avoid this is just to go along with what HE wants, then how is that a healthy, functioning state of affairs ?

I agree fluffy dp and I have two dc and I would never have used my ability to keep him off the birth certificate as a bargaining chip to get my own way over a name. Find a name you can both agree on, there are thousands of them.

Quite right Fluffy.

He has equal rights over the child as the OP. It's perfectly normal for the baby to have his surname, and an agreed upon set of first names.

Being legal doesn't necessarily make it moral. To say he's not the father of a child until it's registered because of law is wholly incorrect. He is the father which is a biological fact.

So essentially, what I'm reading is that he has no rights (morally or legally) regarding his child until the mother decides to grant them to him by registering him?

Suggesting she'll just do what she wants and not register him if he doesn't acquiesce is a threat and in my eyes - this is bullying. I think a lot of the advice here is awful and will lead to a relationship breakdown.

'Maybe he thinks that double barrelling sounds stupid'

Fair enough, then baby can just have mother's surname then. Problem solved.

Blu no bourbon but do we know for sure he wants an all empowering say, or the chance to say he really does not like certain names. It could be that OPs mums name has bad associations generally with people of said name for example I've had some real horrible experiences with boys/men called James and girls/women named Cassie I really wouldn't want to name my child that would struggle getting over the associations I have with them names

LOL nobody thinks you are a man.

I just think the ooints you are making are daft and sexist.

Have you been at the Bourbon, Louis?

What do you think the OP should do? Given that her DP wants the baby to have only his surname and doesn't want to give her choice over the baby's first name?

I also find it funny how I have the name of a somewhat well known city in Kentucky, but because it partly has an association with a male name I've seen responses being more cold and assumptions than I have with other nn as far as I know the OPs DP hasn't said he thinks it's stupid it's just my opinion some don't work well together.

The law thinks differently.

Legally he doesn't become the child's father until he is registered as such. By the child's mother.

'Her (insignificant to you, massively significant to people interested in reality) growing of a new person makes that new person legally connected to her unless she takes extraordinary steps to sever the relationship.

Fathers become equal parents through active parenting. They don't start as equal. That's biology. And the law.'

so agree with this. The law is in place to prevent the type of control over women and their bodies and their babies that had been going on for hundreds of years. He cannot dictate to you and i think you need to make this clear to him that actually when it comes down to it, its your decision so he needs to make a compromise with you or else he wont be getting any say at all.

I agree the OP shouldn't give in on the double barrelling. I can imagine it would lead to resentment later on. These things can fester when the stresses and strains of a baby are added I to the mix, especially as is often the case, the mother is doing most of the grunt work in the beginning. Maybe pointing out that all the naming rights are with the mother legally if they are not married would be a start. He can only name the child with her permission. That is what the law says. It doesn't work the other way round.

I disagree Doinitfine and without knowing all of their conversations there's not enough information to make a judgement if he's pigheaded, a bully, wanting the first or final say etc
Again not a penis worshipper

It shouldn't be a chance at 50:50 say they should be equals

Except it is spiteful if your doing because you think he's " being a dick"

Never mentioned anything to do with feminism or amy bias but you seem intent to bring it up and being somewhat hostile with name calling with all this penis worshipping crap

Funny how many men think giving a child two names sounds "stupid " and giving the chikd its mother's name sounds "stupid" and somehow by some amazing coincidence, onky the important penis bearer's name sounds sufficiently non-stupid.

Louis - of course they should both agree over the whole name - but he doesn't! He wants it to be HIS surname, and HE pick the first name / have a veto over the firs name.

The hyphenated name you suggest would be fine.

He is being a pigheaded (and stupid) bully, not because he wants a say but because he is demanding the last word.

As awful as it seems to penus worshippers, this is a situation where the man's view is less important han the womans.

She is offering him the chance to have a 50-50 say. But that is not enough for him.

Pointing out the reality that this choice is 100% hers is not spiteful.

Unless you are of the "reality has a feminist bias" perspective.

Which would make you quite dim.

Rivvi, maybe he thinks that double barrelling sounds stupid, it doesn't work with all surnames, I don't think mine would especially. For example Juliet Smith - Torkenten wouldn't be great IMO.

"There's a lot of contempt for men/fathers on this post. "

No there isn't. There is a lot of contempt for arseholes. Sometimes that's the same thing, admittedly. But not usually.

Just tell him you'll register her without him present and pick both names yourself if he doesn't stop being such a dick.