Am I stepping over a line using a name for my baby that my sister in law has asked me not to ?!

However - I would tell her. Don't let them find out from the birth announcement.

I have cousins (sisters) who each have a child with the same name - AFAIK it's never been an issue.

I would use it. They can still use the name if they have a child of that sex. (As stinkdoodle says -they may not). However, I would tell her and explain why. I assume from your post that you know the sex of your baby?

OR - you could agree on a second choice as your baby's first name, use your preferred name as a middle name, and always call your baby by the preferred name. Friends did this because their initials for the two names they liked would have been unfortunate if they'd put the preferred name first (ARS) Therefore they christened their son RAS, but he was always known as R.

Would there be fall out from your PIL if you upset their daughter?

I am a firm believer in no one owns a name but in these circumstances I would choose another.

When I had Ds1 we only had 1 first name picked out with a possible 2 middle names. We didn't like any other names.

When I was pregnant again, I had a list as long as your arm for girls name and I had another boy. We managed to find 2 new names for him.

Find a new name, or risk the relationship you have with your SIL and PIL and wider circle. You can see on here that a lot of people feel strongly that you shouldn't use Leo, this is a deceased parent's name we are talking about.

I have lost both my own Mum and my MIL so I can understand the grief and heartache. If I asked my SIL not to use my Mum's name and she did I would be incredibly hurt.

I really don't understand why people feel the need to name children after deceased relatives. Babies are real people, not little memorials to those who have died. They should be allowed to be themselves, and not little tributes to somebody else. Why can't the deceased person be remembered for who they were, and this new little person be whoever they are?

Nobody bagsies a name. And certainly not a name like 'Leo'. It's not hugely unique. There are plenty more people out there called Leo, and that doesn't in anyway take from the memory of a deceased loved one.

The OPs SIL is being massively unreasonable with the idea that if she and this partner do stick together, and if they decide to have kids, and if she does become pregnant, and if the baby is a boy, she would like to call him 'Leo'. That's a whole lot of 'ifs'.

I also don't get why, if two people in a family like a name, they can't both use it. I have two cousins with the same name, both born within 2 years of each other. It's not a family name, but both sets of parents liked it, so both sets of parents used it. It was never an issue. There's no need to be so bloody precious about names.

You have left it too late to object.
Had you said straight away, Sorry SIL I really cannot make that promise as it's the only name we like then fair enough.
If in fact you said this and then she voiced her concerns/request you'd.still be in the right.
But otherwise it comes across as wanting this name and this name only precisely because it's been vetoed, even though that's not the case.

Just pick another name!

You're obviously not that bothered about it if you didn't use it with your first.

I cannot understand someone telling another person not to use a name because they might use it in the future!

Go ahead and use it, but do let her know first.

I think I'd use it. I'd feel guilty about it but I'd still use it: given all the circumstances and scenarios pp have suggested.

Surely when you had the conversation, you said you liked them name and that's that?

However I'd not use it - depending on the context
We used the name that our SIL would have used for her son (she had two miscarriages) but we only found out after we'd named DS. I would have used a different name if I'd known

YANBU. It's not their name! My SIL (DH's sister) also has a new partner and they are talking about babies and (trying to imagine I am pg!) I would think it unfair of them if they asked us this! If you've always liked it you should use it.

Even if you do use it... You'll always think of this situation so it's about how you feel about that.

If it was me it would feel tainted with possible fall out. I'm happy to accept that that opinion maybe seen as dramatic by some. It's all down to how much you like your sil and care about her feelings

Sorry for lack of paragraphs above!

If it was me I definitely wouldn't use the name. I would think it was odd to have first cousins with the same name, so disagree with pp who say it doesn't matter. It would be confusing for the wider family to constantly explain which Leo they were referring to and just a bit strange I think. Wrt "bagsying" names, in general I would be against it however these circumstances are different. A year and a half is plenty of time for DSIL to have decided she wants to be with her DP long term, BTW. If you don't use the name then her and her DP split or don't have a boy then there is a chance you will always feel miffed that you didn't use that name. If you do use that name, knowing that your SIL has explicitly asked you not to as she would like to have the option of using it in future to honour her DPs deceased father, then SIL and her DP will likely be really hurt. Not just that they can't use the name but that you had so little regard for their feelings over something so emotive as naming a child after a dead parent. Your PIL will likely be unimpressed that you and DH have shown this little care for his sister. Other friends and family may also be told and judging from this thread it is clear that plenty of people think that you are being unreasonable, so IRL you can expect that some people finding out about this will think you are being unreasonable too. All of that negativity and upset at a time that you're supposed to be happy! It would be much more compassionate and save a lot of future upset if you and DH could try and find a different name!

Incredibly personal reasons? . My Dad died before my sons were born, and I did in fact call ds1 after him, but it never occurred to me to try to ring fence the name in case anyone else saw fit to use it in the meantime.
Lots of people did, in fact, it's a fairly common name...
It didn't lessen it for us in any way, why would it?

Has the SIL's partner expressed any opinion on other people using that name? Or is SIL getting 'professionally offended' on his behalf?

Human decency

Tbh I think the arrogance of claiming a name for a hypothetical child massively outweighs any other perceived lack of consideration.

In general I'm of the view that nobody should be able to call "dibs" on a name and people need to stop being precious about it. Two of my aunts (sisters) called their sons the same first name, not only did they not fall out there wasn't even so much of a sniff or a cringy "do you mind?" in one instance it was the baby's grandad's name, in the other I think they just liked it.

HOWEVER

This is his DECEASED PARENT which is a different kettle of fish entirely, not only does it require sensitivity she has actively begged you not to and to go against that is callous, particularly as presumably this man will have to call your baby by his deceased Dads name. The name he wanted for a son.

YABU.

Use it or lose it.

So she told you before you were even pregnant that it was a name they would use, for incredibly personal reasons? Of course you'd be unreasonable to use it. You might not have ownership over a name, but that would hurt them both, considerably, and probably damage the relationship forever.

You found a new name (for much less important reasons) last time you had a boy. Do the same now.

Why on earth should your using the name mean she can't? My dd has the same name as one of her cousins, who is a few years older than her. It didn't even occur to us when choosing dd's name, and in any case they've ended up with different nicknames, so it really does not matter. Using the name doesn't disrespect your SIL's OH, either. Of course you should go ahead and use it. I think I would tell her that the name is still in your shortlist, but not tell anybody (ie not just her) the name you choose until the baby is born. For one thing, when you finally meet your baby you may feel they suit a different name after all.

She doesn't have any right to 'bagsy' the name.

You should really decide if calling your child that name is worth hurting your SIL.

For me the fall out wouldn't be worth it given the circumstances, there's an emotional reason rather than a preference on her part.

Leo is a lovely name, but very popular at the moment. My brother's grandson is called Leo and until he was named I hadn't noticed how many little boys are called that.

I'm on the the fence about this - I think your SIL ISBU, but perhaps it would be better to have another think and give your little boy his own special name with no connotations. Does your SIL's partners have siblings btw? If so, one of them may also think they've got a call on 'Leo'... She won't like that!