name we have decided on is also name of someone in family who died - do I need to tell their parents first?

I used my dad's cousins deceased babies name as a middle name. Difference is, she'd been dead for 15 yrs, it was a second name and i named her after the child specifically (social media wasn't relavent back then)

I am the 39th different person to reply asking you to please, go back to the baby name books.

Have you mentioned using the name to anyone in RL because if not do so and watch their reactions.

Don't use that name. Please listen to the responses given above. If we all think it'd be a cruel, thoughtless and insensitive thing to do, so would your real life family and friends.

Another vote for no don't use the name, it's unbelievably insensitive to be honest. I appreciate you have set your heart on this particular name but I think under the circumstances I would chose another name. Sorry

Okay, imagine this.

Tomorrow you lose your baby.

Next month, your friend announces she is pregnant, and confides in you that the only name she and her DH agree on is The Name.

How do you feel?

Believe me, your relation would feel so much worse than that.

There are thousands of lovely names. Choose a different one.

I agree with others, please don't use the name.

I usually am in the no one owns a name camp, but this is so different.

I'd definitely say don't use the name. Certainly without testing the water with the relative first - either directly or indirectly.
I think that you and dh need to go back to the baby names book. Sorry.

I really hate when people post for advice and get unanimous opinion yet argue against it.
It s highly likely you using the name will cause upset and hurt to the grieving family. Nearly everyone has said please don't use the name.

If you ask, think too how difficult may be for said aunt to say 'no'
It s going to be an unexpected question out of the blue from a tenuous contact .... At a time when you suspect she is still clearly deep in in grief and very vulnerable.

Dh s db lost his son 5 Years ago, the sheer force of loss turmoil grief is unimaginable. I just wouldn't do it to them if I were you.

You asked in your OP if it would be 'really insensitive'.

People are telling you it would be.

It's not that distant a relationship.if you are friends on FB and you also have insight that she is truly devastated and is in the depths of her grief.

absolutely unbelievable! Your poor aunt

as others have said, let's hope it's a girl so you don't have to put her through this . He only died last year for goodness sake, before his time with no warning whatsoever, where is your compassion?!

I wouldn't use the name - put yourself in the position of the grieving mother. Gosh, I am actually really surprised that you would even consider using that name.

There are millions of names out there - choose another one.

What if she's not ok with it? Will you still go ahead?

Gosh, I really hope you have a girl.

Goodness. Please use another name. In a couple years you'll have forgotten all about the original name.

You sound incredibly callous, which you probably aren't given you're clearly sensitive to the issue, enough to ask the question at least.

I don't think you need to find out gender if you don't want to. But there is no way the grieving mother won't think "of all the names in the world, they had to pick my son's?? She knew him, met him on numerous occasions before he died, and now this?".

I'm assuming this is your first DC. Just don't do it, you will understand why soon enough. Pick another name, however hard you need to think to find one. Spare the poor woman.

Please ask her first, and in a nice non-pressuring way, ie not telling her it's the only name you can agree on at the moment.

Please, please, please choose another name.

As posters above have said:

Family still grieving

No tribute to deceased relative either, you just like the name

There are millions of names out there to select an alternative

I'm sure mumsnetters could happily think up dozens of alternatives to help you out.

Personally I'd choose a different name but you sound determined to go ahead.
IMO the only 'decent' way to do that is with as much consideration for the family as possible. First find out if you're having a boy - you maybe didn't want to know in advance but if you're going to potentially detonate a bomb off in your family I'd suggest that overrides any other reason to not find out.
Then if it is a boy, I suggest you speak to your Aunt first. What's her take on this - is the grief still too raw, will the mother actually think it's ok (or OK if it's in honour of her son)?
Even if you wait til the birth and tell the mother then - what happens if she asks you not to use it?
Ultimately you need to decide what you'll do if either the Aunt or the mother express that they will be really hurt. Could you really still go ahead?

Well I wouldn't use it, but it sounds like you don't mind doing that.

It would make a difference if you were being thoughtful or respectful in honoring the cousin who died. But for some reason you are keen to make sure everyone knows that is NOT the case.

So, you want to use the name of your dead cousin/ distant relation, although the mother is deep in grieving and very sad. And in addition you want everyone to know that the name has nothing to do with the mothers dead son? So no one can read a kind or thoughtful motivation into your choice. And you are keen to emphasise that you don't want to ask permission, but tell the grieving family as a done deal, oh and that it's nothing to do with their son and in no way honoring memory or remembering, at the same time.

Gosh.

Your mind sounds made up so there's no point in trying to explain or showing you how to empathize with a grieving family.

How very annoying for you that you could have used the name with no problems if only you'd had your baby last year. Clearly that's rubbish for you and everyone should feel your pain. Ahem.

Sorry, but I wouldn't use it either. It's so easy to just choose another name and avoid upsetting your cousin further.

I have to agree with everyone else - I know it's not the question you asked, but I have to add my voice to the growing list of us that are telling you it would be really insensitive to use the name. It doesn't matter that it's not your first cousin, it's still a cousin you are close enough to, to have as a FB friend and to be meeting up with on family occasion.
I'm not generally precious about names, but there are thousands of names out there, it would just be nasty to use her son's name at this point.

will probably use it though as all we can agree on, so question is whether to let the mum know first before announcing it.

Of course you should let the mum know first. It would be extremely cruel not to!!!

I don't even understand why that is a question