name we have decided on is also name of someone in family who died - do I need to tell their parents first?

Don't be so selfish OP. You cannot add to this poor woman's grief by subjecting her to a life (on facebook etc) of 'X did so and so' with her always knowing that actually it was quite handy for you that her son died because it meant you could use his name NOT in tribute but because you 'just like it'. Find another name and get some empathy along with it.

Please don't use the name.

I really hope you have a girl, and when you are a Mummy to will look back and put yourself into that poor woman's shoes.

RIP to your cousin

Someone we know (well enough, been to the same schools, weddings, gatherings and live in the same village) called their baby the same name as my DS's three months after he died. My son was a baby too so the age gap would have been small. It still hurts.

If a relative had done this it would have been far worse. Don't do it.

Another adding to the don't use the name, if you really must then add it as a middle name.

I can't believe that of all the squillions of names out there, this is the only one that you and your DH like?

It sounds as if your mind is made up. I lost someone close to me tragically, it would have been awful to hear the name of this person (fairly unusual) used by another member of our family.

This is your family even if it is a cousin, just choose another name but something tells me from the tone of your post, you won't come back on here and you will use the name whatever anyone on here says.

Don't even consider it! Why have you even got to ask? Of course you can't use this name. Ridiculous question

Don't add to the woman's pain.

I can't imagine why you would would to clarify stab in the heart further by saying it's not in honour of the dead cousin.

Unbelievable.

You are probably thinking that she no rights to the name, or that you won't see her often, or that your son will be a completely different child so it's ok, but in the eyes of a grieving mother it won't be ok. I really hope you reconsider because this will cause so much unnecessary heartache

Sorry, I'd agree with everyone else. Don't use the name. Terribly insensitive.

Agree with PPs, please don't use it. Not often MNet is unanimous! If you won't ditch the name out of consideration for his mum, then do it for your own sake, as everyone in your family will think badly of you if you use it.

Please choose another name.

Had similar issue in my own family, but when my baby boys were born I already knew which name I couldn't use (my cousin who died as a teenager).

It would be very cruel to use it.

And the rest of your family will probably think so as well.

Don't use the name

Adding my name to the please do not do this list.
Please don't be so insensitive and cruel.

Every time she saw a post about your baby it would hurt. Every time someone mentioned your baby it would hurt. Every time she saw you at a family event it would hurt. Do you want to do that to another person? Do you want to add to someone's grief and pain?
There are millions of names. You will find another you agree on.

But from the fact it sounds like you wont change your mind I sincerely hope you have a girl.

Yea I'm sorry to say I don't think you should use it at all, and the fact that you are a distant relative means you should use it even less in my mind, if anyone I going to use that name it should be the deceased boys siblings (if he has any).

I would find out sex, even if you didn't plan too, and then either pick a new name if it's a boy, but secretly hope it's a girl!!

If for some reason you are not going to budge then you need to without a doubt tell the mom now that you are think of using her dead sons name, and if she is mortified you really need to reconsider. Don't be selfish

Would you take his grave as quick?

Also have to add my name to the 'don't use it' list. OP - are you only thinking that the duplicate name won't matter because you don't see them much? Don't forget how much new babies in a family get talked about - she's going to hear so much of 'William's gorgeous' 'William spoke to me today!' 'William started walking, amazing!' and she's going to think of her own child for a second before reality hits and it's going to be awful every time. Please look for a new name.

Just use a different name OP there's literally no need for you to only choose that name other than stubbornness.

You sound so insensitive!

The poor lady is grieving and yet you don't seem to care that your choice of name may make her suffering worse...

Could you use it as a second name but ask her first?

I think it would be insensitive to use it as a first name without a discussion first. If you did have the discussion she might like having her DS remembered. However you need the discussion.

I think that I woukd just choose a different name.

How selfish.

Surely no one would actually think this is ok?

You're unbelievably sensitive to even consider this, OP!

Don't use the name. You're risking hurting someone for no reason.

it seems you are relatives, but not related in fact... you don't care about that person, you don't even know her, right? so you think why you had to chose another name for your baby... she's just another one who chose the name, i understand. but then why you are friends on facebook? delete her from you fb, end all your relationship first. If that's ok with you, then chose the name you want...

still, i wish you have a baby girl :)

OP, from experience of knowing someone who did this, just don't.

A good friend died in extremely sudden and very sad circumstances (it was in the papers, a big deal as she was young) and a few years later her cousin had a baby and used the name. Not in memory of her, just used the name. It was absolutely awful. I still feel that it was a completely horrible thing to do.

I know you like the name, but I really do think it's off bounds. You will find another you like, if you are willing to look.