name we have decided on is also name of someone in family who died - do I need to tell their parents first?

Another one in the no camp here, I know it's frustrating OP but please keep looking. You could probably give it as a middle name if you love it that much.

No it is just wrong. sorry not sorry
I am a bereaved mother of stillborn twins. My sil (so a fairly close family member) recently asked ahead of time if she could have their INITIALS tattooed on her back along with my dd's and her own daughters... We (dh and i) flat out refused. We didn't get to use their names but she thought that she could use them as part of a design that she couldn't even see herself... It is absolutely disrespectful. It doesn't matter how close or far apart you are to the grieving family member... You are AWARE of his mothers grief. You are aware of what this would cause.

Tbh I dont think that You would've asked the question if you hadn't of been just a little bit concerned. If you do go on to use the name I would expect some repercussions.

Ive just posted this on another unrelated thread, but I think the same sentiment applies, "you need to consider the needs of others are sometimes greater than yours, it's not all about you". It may be hard to think like this in the bubble of pregnancy when you are thinking of a name for you child, but it isn't about you. You know how awful her grief is, you said it yourself. I'm sure you have had enough of people telling you not to do it (I hope you are reading this) but don't. I can't tell you enough how much it will hurt those who loved him, for them it's -his name, he should still be alive and he isnt, your child will just be a reminder of his absence. Don't do it!

I'd choose another name if I were you. There must be some others that you like.

Hopefully Op has reconsidered.

Put yourself in her shoes and imagine how it would feel if somebody did the same to you?

Please please don't do it.
That poor woman.

And in answer to your question about whether you should mention it first... I think that depends on whether you want it to be a horrible, sudden shock for her when you've given birth, or whteher you want her to dread the annoucement for months in advance. That's the long and the short of it OP. Just don't use the name.

To be honest, the reaction you've had on this thread would have been enough to put me off the name. Let alone the hurt and upset it would cause people I actually know and care about

I think its insensitive to someone who is so obviously struggling.

Please ignore poor grammar and spelling above. Sick with cold.

When my sister died my cousin came to visit bringing with him his new girlfriend who had the sane name as my sister. It was 6 months after she died and I still cringe when I remember him calling out to her from another room to ask a question. You could have cut the air with a knife. I would choose another name just to avoid a situation like that if it came up. I still find myself a bit thrown 10 years on when someone introduces themself to me with the same name as her. She also died young in a tragic an unexpected way.

A quick Advanced Search shows that the OP has two children already. I am not sure whether this makes her apparent selfishness more incredible or not.

Don't do it. Just don't.

The popularity of the name makes no difference, in fact, worse almost - the poor mother will be hearing her child's name everywhere.

I wondered that Bertrand Russell, and there was a thread last week by a woman who was trying to work out how to ask other family members not to use the name of their baby who had recently died (they had kept the name private).

Let's hope OP is having a think and/or her dh who she intends to discuss the situation with introduces a bit of common sense and compassion to the proceedings.

Is it awfully insensitive to use the name at all?

Yes.

If you were doing it in tribute - with her permission - that may be different, as when she heard your son's name it would be a positive reminder. In this situation however, you sound horribly insensitive and devoid of empathy.

It is often said on MN that 'no-one owns a name' and that usually refers to the person who originally had it. In this case, I think it refers to you. You don't own that name. Choose another. This will cause too much hurt.

OP I think you've got the message, but you might find this thread helpful:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2476120-Asking-them-not-to-use-our-baby-name-sensitive?

If you do ask the mum, please please don't tell her you wouldn't be naming the baby after your cousin. That would be incredibly hurtful.

I agree with everyone else, there is nothing so painful as losing a child and even if this was a distant friend and not even a family member, I'd feel the same. Please think about using another name. No one else has thought about the impact on your child if they have this name and by getting that name has caused any upset or sadness in the family. I wouldn't want my DS to have this to carry all his life.

Interesting thread. I would not use a name that my Mother's friend had used for her prem baby who very sadly passed away last year. We love it but I know it would inadvertently cause a huge amount of pain, so I wouldn't do it.

I guess if I'm this sensitive about someone outside of the family then I guess it makes sense that it would be insensitive in your situation. Yet it sounds as though you are far removed from this extended family member and so I wonder would the news even reach her? If you unfollowed her on Facebook for example would your Mother be announcing it to her via Xmas card? What I'm trying to say is if she won't find out via a big announcement I might be inclined to go ahead if it really is the only name you both like.

But if you didn't really know your cousin however your Mum is really close to his Mother then I'd leave it. It's not worth the upset and bad feeling it could cause.

Oh op please don't use it.

It may not be just the poor grieving mother you upset. What about all the other members of your family (aunts, cousins, great uncles) who are closer relatives of the deceased person who will either be upset or think you are completely out of order to use that name?

Why work you want to cast that kind of family upset over what should be a happy time for the whole family.

I'm currently 40 weeks pregnant and we still don't have a name we both agree on. I know how frustrating it can be to struggle with a name and would love to find the 'one'.

That said, even IF my OH and I had agreed on one name - in this situation I would have to go back to the drawing board. As difficult as picking a name you love for your child may be it's just not even in the same emotional league as what your Aunt is going through.

I can't imagine her grief and cannot think of a single sensitive way you could approach someone in this situation and announce your plans, particularly as you don't know if you will even have a boy.

As EVERYONE else has said, please, please employ a little empathy and reconsider.

Being pregnant IS all consuming and it can be hard to think outside of your own 'baby bubble' but in this instance it would absolutely be the wrong thing to do.

Don't use the name.

This has to be a reverse, surely? Nobody could be that insensitive.

If more time had passed maybe you'd be able to very sensitively ask if she would feel okay about using his name. However since it's so recent and you know she's still so grief stricken, I think you really need to look again and choose another name. Your desire to use a name when it's not even in tribute to your relative doesn't trump her grief.

You say in your OP that you know that the mum is in deep grief.

Yet don't consider it a problem using the name of her dead child.

Can't really put these two POVs together tbh.

Don't add to her stress by putting this question on her

You have made yourself sound callous OP "it is not in honour of dead relative", "we will use the name anyway".

Do what you like but have a think about yourself!

I agree with the others, it's not that the boy who died is your third cousin that's the issue, his mother is known well enough to you that you have her on your facebook. You will be more than just an acquaintance to her, because there is a family connection I think she woudl be expecting you to be more aware of her pain, iyswim