name we have decided on is also name of someone in family who died - do I need to tell their parents first?

People have been very rational and calm with you OP, there's no e-shouting going on.
Do not use the name. Do not, do not, do not. I hope you are listening to the feedback on here as people have shared very personal stories to try and get you to see the problem with this.
I'm normally firmly in the "no one owns a name" camp but why you'd do this and knowingly inflict pain on someone is beyond me.

Mumsnet can be really mean and unpleasant at times. I find it shows a repulsive side of humanity on occasion.

This thread, however, is not one of those times. There has been sustained and unanimous rejection of your plan (excepting one single post). This is not bullying. This is disagreement. And quite frankly surprise!

It is very surprising that you have decided that your desire to have a name for yourself is more important than a family's grief and desperate mourning for the loss of their son. It's also surprising that you don't think anyone should have an issue about your priorities. But I suppose in that context it isn't surprising that you are now justifying ignoring anything anybody says by deciding it's all mean and bullying. That isn't surprising at all.

No ones called names, hunted and chivvied you, no one that I've read has pursued their point in a deliberately hurtful way. But neither has mumsnet given you the royal stamp of approval, and it appears that's what the issue is. And nothing you've said since the first OP has given the impression you care about anyone or anything other than wanting people to agree with you.

You could just quietly unfriend them on FB now so they don't have to see something that they might be oversensitive about

Of course they are going to be 'oversensitive'. The family members DC has recently died!

No - am not equating bullying with disagreeing. But if you go back and read the threads there is name calling and judgement rather than discussion and opinion.

I disagree. I actually think people have been quite measured. I think the fact that it wasn't the answers you were expecting you are seeing it as 'judgemental'.

It really, really hasn't been bullying.

Asked a question looking for responses meaning I am open to knowing what you think, and you all responded a way I didn't expect and I came back and said that, keeping the discussion going. There really is no need to round on me in what is a pretty bullying way - express your opinion, yes, I asked for that, but stop the e-shouting already.

You actually came back and said you would still use the name even after what 99% of people said, which is your parogative, but be prepared for any family fallout.

People disagreeing with you and you not liking people foing this is NOT bullying

Sometimes in life, OP, the timing for things just is not right. The timing is NOT right for you to use this name - a few years down the line might have been different, but while the Mum is raw with grief - No.

why on earth would you, when the mum is 'clearly deeply in grief'?
Just grossly insensitive and kind of rubbing salt into a wound, IMO.

So the mother in question is told via someone else that the name of her recently deceased son is going to be used by a cousin, and oh dear while she's at it, she's defriending you on FB. That's gonna make her feel great!

What would be the upsetting thing to me would be that the death came suddenly to a young person, it won't just be the young boys mom that will be upset but other family members who will be closer to her also. I only have a small family so perhaps that's also affecting my judgement, but overall I think it's far too soon for the family, especially as you aren't close and you aren't doing it in tribute.
That's not me being judgemental, purely offering an opinion which you asked for.

Gosh, I would still use the name, yanbu at all. The child of my dad's 2nd cousin who I barely knew? A name in the top 20? I have 30 first cousins & my parents must have like 50 second cousins. So That type of thing describes half of my distant family. Meh. I only know any of my 3rd cousins because we both do family history.

I would ask a relative much closer to them to let them know because I think it should come from someone who can be emotionally supportive, ideally, but no way do they have power of veto.

You could just quietly unfriend them on FB now so they don't have to see something that they might be oversensitive about.

Actually I think there has been very little name calling and judgement, considering what an awful thing you still seem set on doing.........

OP I really hope you've changed your mind.

OP look at this another way if you feel people are getting at you (which I don't think they are - they are being honest). Your DC's name will never be their own within your family. It will always be the same as the cousin who died. There will always be comparisons.

Just think, it's a few years down the line at a family party or something and your DC is told the other person with that name was so great at football (when they are not) or so outgoing (when they are not) etc. How will they feel? Especially when they realise the original owner of the name died just before they were born and you had a choice. I'd be pretty miffed if my parents did that to me. Quite apart from how the other poor members of the family will feel when they hear the name.

We tend to build up a wonderful picture of those who have died, it's part of the grief. My dad was a saint for about 10 years after he died. It's only now that we look back and see the man - faults and all and still realise how much he meant to us.

But that's a tough image to live up to if you have the same name.

It's very different if the two had shared the name for a few years before the cousin tragically died. The personalities of both have become known in the family.

Your cousin will be a very hard act for your child to follow - whether they are named in memory of them or not. I wouldn't inflict that on a child. Honestly.

Use the name but leave FB. Sorted!!!

No you came back and said you would use it anyway, which is why so many people responded, it's not bullying, just a large number of people telling you how wrong you would be if you carried on with your plans.

No. You came back to say you would probably use the name anyway, and the question was whether to tell the bereaved mother before or after the event.

So people continued to tell you you were wrong. Which you are.

There's been no bullying OP.

Just because you don't like the answers given doesn't equate to "e-shouting".

You really are coming across as quite unpleasant, now.

There really is no need to round on me in what is a pretty bullying way

People having an opinion contrary to yours, and expressing it, is NOT bullying.

Perhaps this should be on billboards somewhere?

Repeat: people are disagreeing with you. Not bullying.

This is actually a really heartening thread. So many people caring and knowing the right thing to do.

Two close (immediate) family members have died in recent years. It would have killed me for this situation to have happened. Our culture ignores grief and grieving as something unpalatable and 'not normal'. Something to race through and get over it as soon as possible for the convenience of others.

It's so good to hear that people here have the compassion and kindness for a grieving mother, and it's great that people still know how to put someone else's feelings above their own.

Gives me faith in humanity.

Like buttonmoon said "you need to consider that the needs of others are sometimes greater than yours"

Sorry but I think it's a bit insensitive to use this name and could cause upset. Yes it would be completely different if you were close and you were using the name in their honour, but to just use it because you like well. I am sorry but I would find that a total disregard, as I expect most people would.
Broaden your horizens there are umpteen names out there. Please do not choose one that will bring your relatives upset.