name we have decided on is also name of someone in family who died - do I need to tell their parents first?

It makes no difference. How old your cousin was. Their mother suffered the most horrendous tragic unimaginable bereavement you could possibly think of. Whether he was 8 or 38. It was still her baby. Sorry but I think you're being very insensitive.

You need to choose a different name.

Easy. That's a bit harsh.

My god.

May you never experience the pain and hurt of losing a child, and be further hurt by a family member being an utter dick about it

No you are not being flamed because you answered a question.
You are receiving comments due to the callous way you answered the question and your cold attitude through the entire thread.

Oh well that's OK then. Never mind her grief, he was an adult so she needs to just get over it doesn't she

If this is real, you really are a piece of work.

Jesus Christ op, that's so unfeeling. They might have been an adult but will always be that mothers baby.

"Just coming on to clarify one thing. It is not a dead child. The cousin died in their 30s. The mother is mourning their child, who was an adult."

And that makes a difference precisely how?

Please OP, don't do this. It is a truly awful thing to do. The birth of your ne baby is going to cause such pain - you don't want that, surely?

It makes no difference. Your child is your child, young or grown. The pain of losing them doesn't lessen.

Never mind. I've got the impression it doesn't really matter to you anyway.

I would say that there is no easy way to break this news of your choice of name to this grieving relative.

Really if you are set on this name you and dh may have to tough out some awkwardness amongst your family members. Such as, oh you called him Henry, like cousin x Henry or oh that what cousin x son was called.

In your shoes I would choose another name.

Oh shabbs - I'm so sorry for the loss of your two boys. Unimaginable. Your post was very moving.

But FreeNickName - you probably would remember the name of any who had died as children.

I'm surprised that you've been so put out by the responses on this thread. They've all been very measured. Nobody has been hysterical or cruel to you, they've simply said what they think about the idea.

But the fact is, it's been a unanimous response, and it's that that feels like 'bullying' to you - person after person coming on to say the same thing. Which surely must tell you something.

If you're unhappy with the response you've had here in the space of less than 24 hours, it might be helpful to view it as a bit of an insight in the far more prolonged response you'll get in real life.

Putting aside the bereaved mother's child for a moment... Maybe it will resonate with you more if you consider the impact of this on your own new baby, and the way he (assuming it's a he) is welcomed and received into the world, and into your family.

This time could be irrevocably marred, which can't fill you with happiness at what should be a joyful time.

I'm also with the other odd one out poster, although I do think it might depend on how old the cousin who died was. If they were still a child, I would probably not use it. If they were an adult I think it would be OK, although I would probably wimp out and say it was in memory of the person who died.
The fact that I come from a very large family might be the reason I think it's OK. I probably don't know the names of most of my 15 first cousins children, let alone even more distant cousins.

Oh, Shabbs, you're not a basket case at all.

Two of my four sons have died. Both boys died many years ago but the heartbreak of losing them will last a lifetime.

Sometimes I will be shopping and will hear someone talking to their child....when they say the childs name and its the same as one of my boys I always have to look at that child to check its not my boy. Having written that down it sounds like I am a 'basket case.' Im not by the way.....just a bereaved Mum. I always hope its one of my boys because their deaths were heartbreakingly devastating.

Please have a re-think about the name. x

My cousin died aged 10, another cousin was born 6 months after her death (different parents), and they chose a name for the newborn that started with the same letter as the dead child, not even the same name. It is still a bone of contention 24 years later amongst extended family.

It's one thing to name a child after a dead aunt/uncle/great grandparent, but another to name them after a dead child. It is just tragic, can't be honoured in the same way that an elderly relative who had a long life can be. Even as a middle name as a tribute would be pushing it. But as a first name and not in tribute with parents still in deep mourning just isn't right.

I understand you feel pretty bad now due to the things people have written, but to be honest the reaction you (and your lovely new child) are going to get will be so much worse. Sorry, but it will. Imagine how awful it would be at a time that is supposed to be happy and joyful for everyone. One of your parents might fight with their sibling/cousin about it and cause rifts etc. It a name really worth that? I can't believe it would be worth risking the love and respect of some people in your family.

I'm with the other odd one out poster, it's a top 20 name, you're not close family, only 2nd or 3rd cousins, I wouldn't see it as cruel / thoughtless etc to use the name.

Listen OP, even if you personally do not care about adding to a bereaved parent's grief.

If you use this name, everyone in your extended family will think quite a lot less of you. It may even extend to how they view and celebrate your child.

I think you'll find the reaction on here has been very polite and mild compared to how the family will feel.

Another one saying don't use the name.

Perhaps the lovely MNers could help you come up with an alternative name that you like, if you can give us an idea of the sort of name you want to go for.

I'm sure the OP is very disappointed she didn't get any validation for her idea from this thread. Probably best for her to dwell on WHY that is rather than complaining that people have disagreed with her.