name we have decided on is also name of someone in family who died - do I need to tell their parents first?

You can't ask a grieving mother if you can reuse her dead child's name for your own.

There are basically infinite possibilities for names you could call your child.

If picking this name means you have to consider contacting a recently bereaved woman about what to call your new baby, that's a hint that maybe one of the other millions of names in the world might be a better choice.

Oh, and if you share a great grandparent he was your second cousin, which is not really a very distant relative at all.

To read these responses you'd think that nobody should name their child after a dead person, ever.

Disengenuity at its best.

It's a really long thread already but the facts aren't clear cut.

If you barely know this person or their mother, why are you on facebook with her?
Do you have mutual familyfriends who would tell her about your baby, or not? ie, if you left FB or stopped having her as a 'friend' would she even notice or know?

If the name is very common, do you have your own good reasons for wanting to use it?

Often I see it in pregnant people that they become slightly fixated on a name that they know will be awkward in some way - it seems like aun conscious power struggle, as if their brain is rebelling and saying 'I can name MY child anything I like' and actually, if they were not PG it might be the last name they would normally think of using.

It's a strange phenomenon.

Once we know the answers to these questions we might be in a better position to advise. But as usual people are projecting what they think the situation is on to the thread to enable them to have a good old rant.

One of my children has a middle name in honour of XHs best friend who died as a young adult. The difference between this kind of situation and the OPs is that it is in honour of the friend and it is a middle name which is not in constant use. I imagine it was still bitter-sweet for his mother.

To read these responses you'd think that nobody should name their child after a dead person, ever.

No, that's not what the responses imply at all. This is a family member whose son died only a year ago. it's not anything like the same as just using the name of some random people who have died.

Shabbs

I lost my younger brother. He was a teenager. The age of the deceased makes no difference in this instance; as someone up thread said, if an even distant relative was to use his name now it would hurt me so much. After nearly 16 years, hearing his name still pains me.

Op, you haven't been bullied on this thread. I wouldn't even call it a flaming. It's just a unanimous suggestion that you are absolutely not doing the right thing here.

I feel sorry for the DC if he is burdened with this name. Family members are sure to comment as he grows up.

The OP still hasn't answered my question from page 2 where I asked if she'd go ahead even if the mother objected.

From her attitude I'd hazard a guess that she would, you know.

And if you did ask, the poor woman's would have to say it's fine because that's what you do................

"If it was me, I would ask the mother if she would mind. If she minded, I would pick another name."

Wow. So your own wish to use a particular name is so important that you would risk upsetting a grieving parent by asking. Some people do take self absorption to a whole new level!

Hey Shabbs.

How are you?

OP

Don't do it.

I don't think that OP understands that if your child is an adult when they die they are 'still your baby' and it isn't something that you just get over.
It doesn't matter whether they are 33yrs or 3 yrs.
There are literally hundreds of names to choose from so there is no need to fixate on one.
You could ask her, but the majority opinion on here is to choose another name- I would go with the majority.
You did ask the question - you just don't happen to like the answer!

If it was me, I would ask the mother if she would mind. If she minded, I would pick another name.

I've read the whole thread, and I don't see any name calling, e-shouting or bullying tbh.

I do hope that you see sense at some point OP.

Or have a girl.

Bloody hell OP! You really don't get it do you? My family lost my uncle. He was 19. My mum, my aunt, my grandmother mourn him still and that was over 40 years ago. My cousin carries his name as a middle name as a tribute and I told my grandmother that I would do the same if I had a boy. When we were planning their golden wedding anniversary dinner, 30 years after he died, they cried over him. When I was born they were shocked because I look like him. It never ever goes away. IT NEVER GOES AWAY. You just need to deal with that. You have been told repeatedly why this is not a good idea, not a kind or reasonable thing to do. Just don't do it and stop trying to justify yourself.

"I don't think there is a name in the world worth further upsetting a bereaved parent" - this.

Adding my voice, don't burden your child with this name, if you can't think of the bereaved mother's feelings at least think about how it will affect you and your child.

Aww, just rtft. I'm so sorry Shabbs. I'd probably go with that then op and not use the name. Theres lots of lovely names out there and if it saves someone a bit of heart ache then thats the right thing to do.

I'm not sure. I think I'd ask or get someone to ask first. But don't use it if she's not ok with it. I don't know how I would feel, I think part of me would like it, but as I am fortunate enough not to have lost a child then its hard to say how it would really feel.

OP please choose another name.

No parent should have to bury their child - and a young man dying in his 30s is a terrible loss.

Please show some compassion.

My brother died in his 20s, a few years ago. He had a fairly common name, not top 20 but everyone will know someone with his name. I'd have no objection to anyone in the family using it for their child, nor would my parents. It's a nice name and we'd be touched.

To read these responses you'd think that nobody should name their child after a dead person, ever. The supply of available names would be exhausted fairly rapidly if that were the case.
It would be kind to talk to his mother in advance of any announcement. If Facebook is the only way of contacting her then you could send her a message. I'd avoid saying you are not choosing it to honour her son, however. That'd be crass.

Also, not what you asked, but I'd be far too worried about karma to do something like that...

Just don't do it, OP.

Of course people are being judgemental, you're asking about doing a really, truly, horrible and terribly vile and selfish thing.

Do you really think people should just be saying "go right ahead, break the poor woman a little bit more".

If you do this, everyone in your family will think you are horrible.

Every time you're at a family event and have to say his name, people will recoil a bit.

You will NEVER be comfortable telling people his name.

You family will think "awww he's such a lovely boy, but I wish she hadn't used that name".

You HAVE to rethink this. Just don't be that person. Worse, don't make your son live with that life sentence.

Love to you Shabbs. So sorry for your heartbreaking loss.
X

OP, I appreciate you were responding to that one poster but you have 6 pages of people saying don't do it, irrespective of the age of your deceased relative. Can't you see why people might get narked that you are responding to the one poster who said it might be ok if the person was an an adult, rather than acknowledging the many other replies who are not saying that?

FWIW I don't think their age matters. The mother is obviously struggling with grief. They say the death of a child is one of the worst bereavements, and I'm sure the pain does not lessen just because your loved one turns 21. Are you planning to love your children less when they're older?