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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

Original poster

AIBU to consider this name?

59 replies

HamFace · 11/06/2015 18:39

Too wimpy to post in actual AIBU but...

DH and I are really struggling to agree on a name for our very soon to arrive DS.

We have one name that we both really like - goes well with our surname and chosen middle name.- top 20ish name but not overly used where we live...all great...except...
A good friend of mine called her DS this who was still born at 24weeks gestation. I've tentatively brought it up with her & she said about how she has no ownership of the name & although she may feel sad it could be sort of nice. But I really don't know if she is just being nice!! Confused I would really hate to upset her & her family, and worry that our mutual friends might think I was a bit of a dick choosing the same name. But I really really like it! I really don't know what to do ð??? so oh wise mumsnet - be brutal...would it be ok and almost 'in honour of' or is it a total no go?

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Original poster
HamFace · 11/06/2015 20:35

Didn't want to out myself but reckon there would be enough detail to guess anyway...
The name was Oscar though DH wanted Oskar.
We both quite like Arthur but my mum has previously commented that I had an great uncle called that who was very dull Hmm not that that matters at all really. Other suggestions will be very welcome. I like names that can have shortened versions. Thank you for sorting me out!

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 11/06/2015 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PunkAssMoFo · 11/06/2015 20:16

Good call op. I'm sure you will find a name that's even more perfect & wonderful.

Yellowbird01 · 11/06/2015 20:15

Definitely not ok to use.

If you tell us what the name was we can make some new suggestions?

Original poster
HamFace · 11/06/2015 20:12

I don't want to cause any distress hense asking the question! I honestly didn't know if it would be ok or not, but I have my answer now so will just have to find another name. I'm honestly not a horrible person! :-(

OP posts:
PunkAssMoFo · 11/06/2015 20:06

I wouldn't expect a friend of mine to do this, nor would I do it to them. Just because she has gone on to have another child, it doesn't make the pain & heartache of having a still born any less. Why would you want to cause her any more distress. There are countless other names to choose from, I think you should let this one go.

SirVixofVixHall · 11/06/2015 20:05

I really wouldn't do this. I think it is rather heartless to be brutally honest. I'm sure you have just got carried away with your excitement about your imminent arrival, and pregnancy can make one rather inward looking , but I think you would really regret it. If you care about your friend then why risk causing her any added pain? It would be different if you were a family member and it was an "in memory of" name. (I am named in memory of my mother's cousin who died at 15, but my name is slightly different for this reason). But under the circs ? No.

lilivonshtupp · 11/06/2015 20:04

Don't worry, Hamface, just look at the thread about 'close call' names - names you loved at the time but didn't use - to see that your love for a name isn't completely set in stone!

fakenamefornow · 11/06/2015 20:03

No way would I use it, I think actually these are the only times when somebody DOES own a name.

To answer somebody up thread who asked if you'd use it if her child had lived, I would have and if she didn't like it she'd just have to get over herself, but her child didn't live. Find another name.

Original poster
HamFace · 11/06/2015 20:03

Ooh lots of replies as I was typing last message and same general consensus. I think you're all right really. It's been 2 years so still quite fresh. Why is it there are soooo many names in the world and I had to love that one. Thanks for the honest replies.

OP posts:
BikeRunSki · 11/06/2015 20:03

I wouldn't. I've been in almost the same situation When I was expecting dc2 dh said he'd like to give it his grandfather's name if it was a boy. A few weeks later a friend of ours had her second baby at 24 weeks and gave him this name. Three weeks later he died. The family in question live in our village and their dc1 is the same age as our dc1, so we knew they'd be at school together, and I'd see the parents often. We decided then that we would only use the name with their blessing, having explained why it was meaningful to us.
In the end dc2 was a girl!

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 11/06/2015 20:00

It isn't the same as sharing a popular name with a surviving child though. That isn't causing a grieving family extra pain.

chairmeoh · 11/06/2015 19:59

I wouldn't do it. Are there any similar names?

Original poster
HamFace · 11/06/2015 19:58

I've been trying to think of that and yes, I think we would have as it is quite a popular name - so it's not 'stealing the name' so much as I don't want her to be sad seeing me with my DS & almost rubbing it in with the same name! She went on to have another DD who is 1 now so we will be meeting up for lunches etc with babies

OP posts:
ScrambledEggAndToast · 11/06/2015 19:58

I couldn't bring myself to choose that name when there are so many others to choose from.

HeffaLumpers · 11/06/2015 19:58

No, I couldn't do that to her. It isn't fair. Find another name

TopCivilServant · 11/06/2015 19:57

I wouldn't either, sorry

Orangeisthenewbanana · 11/06/2015 19:57

You have been lovely to ask your friend, and she has been lovely back but I think it would be really hard for her and her DP long term to constantly see/hear the name of the child they tragically lost. Sorry.

LeChien · 11/06/2015 19:57

I wouldn't. Of course no-one owns a name, but this would be very insensitive for your friend, no matter how lovely she's being about it.

lilivonshtupp · 11/06/2015 19:57

BTW - I think you have to listen to the first part of what she said, which is that this would make you sad. I genuinely feel that she added that it sort of might be nice so she didn't feel like a horrible person in case you went through with it anyway.

SmokyRobinson · 11/06/2015 19:56

No, I wouldn't use it.

It will always have the connection with your friends extreme sadness , which wouldn't be fair to both her and you LO

TheAuthoress · 11/06/2015 19:56

No, I don't think you should.

HoggleHoggle · 11/06/2015 19:56

Definitely not, sorry.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 11/06/2015 19:56

Your friend is being very kind

No. Don't. Every 'first steps' Facebook photo. Every Christmas card signed love Emma, Dan and Jack. You don't think those will make her life just a bit harder?

SylvaniansAtEase · 11/06/2015 19:55

Don't. I think you would regret it... which would be truly terrible if it were then your baby's name. Don't go there.