Arguments with dp over names and surnames

I don't think you're being selfish/childish by getting final say. I'd hope if it was the other way round and he was the one giving birth you'd be understanding about his wishes? Woman are usually the ones 'holding the baby' so to speak so should get most of the say.

I know this is harsh, but until he proposes, give the baby your name.

Are there legal issues if the baby has the Dad's surname should things not work out? I'm not sure what they are but I remember a friend mentioning them. Think it was with regards to financial support?

Lol, it's hardly a punishment! I think it really does depend on how you look at it.

If the DP is saying, "I want the child name after my grandmother or grandfather," and the OP doesn't, then yes of course she needs to say she doesn't want to.

But I'm sorry, I do find it pathetic/childish/selfish for her, or any woman, to say she should be entitled to the final decision on the name.

It should be a joint decision, a compromise, and I'm glad I love and respect my husband enough to have done just that with him four times, rther successfully. (My first child, I did name alone, but that's because the biological father was never involved in the child's life).

I can't imagine being so self-centered, that I would punish my husband because biologically I'm able to do something he can't do, through accident of birth alone.

Surname you should not compromise on.

Perhaps if he's unhappy about his surname not being used, he should get first choice with middle name - the choice to use either grandparent's name perhaps.

First name - you both need to love it. So that means COMPROMISE COMPROMISE on both sides. Lists of top ten names for you both, crossing off ones you hate from each others' lists. That kind of thing.

But the surname - no. That's up to you.

I agree that mother's heritage is equally as important as the father's. But unless you're going to give dc both family names then I don't see why it isn't open to discuss over which surname to use. I cant imagine being in an equal relationship with someone and behaving like only my thoughts mattered with regard to naming our child.

IMO there is no stigma anymore with dc sharing different name to df or dm so I dont see why in a good relationship you wouldnt discuss these things fairly. It seems selfish not to.

I know I'm going on about surname here which isnt part of your aibu so i agree with others that pregnancy doesnt give you naming rights and you should try to find a name you both love.

Agree with Yonic. It needs to be names that you both love. (Or at least really like.)

You both have the power of veto.

Before we had the kids I had a boys name and a girls name I loved and dh didn't like either of them so they got vetoed.

With dd there was another name I loved and dh really liked a variant of it so we went with that.

With ds there was one name I loved and he liked and another that he loved and I liked. So we waited until ds was born and he looked a lot more like dh's name. So we went with that. In a way I regret it as it is a very "safe" name - everyone likes it, it is very classical, I'm willing to bet there was one in your class at school etc and I do think that we were a bit cowardly to use it rather than my slightly more controversial choice. But on the other hand it is a lovely name, it really suits him and dh loves it so it was the right choice.

You both need to agree on a first name. The reason 'you're the one who carries it for 9 months' is because he can't actually do that, no?

I assume that she was setting the scene. I.e. that they were settling down for the evening and he has suddenly come out with this and they ended up arguing.

Agreed yonic. It does sound like that. Which would make me dig my heels in just like butterfly.

He could of course change his surname to yours?

Why mention what you're watching on tv?!

We also have agreed that a girl will have my mother and grandmother's names as middle names and a boy would have his dad and grandfather's names as middle names. We are terribly organised for people that aren't yet pregnant

But it doesn't sound like DP is saying "well we both love John and James but I prefer John and you prefer James, so what should we do?"

It sounds like he's saying "I want to call our child Jean Smith after my grandma or John Smith after my grandad and I don't care that you don't love Jean or John."

Have you not discussed baby names before op? Dh and I have 2 or 3 favoured girls and boys names that we agree on. There are also ones he loves that I hate and vice versa, so we've taken them off the table.

I suppose it's a matter of opinion. I think it's perfectly reasonable to have final say on the name as the one that carries the baby and gives birth. I don't agree that it is pathetic, selfish or childish. Obviously she's not going to go with a name he doesn't like.

I have always found the "I have carried the baby for 9 months, and given birth to him/her, so I get final say on the name argument" argument really childish. And pathetic. And selfish.

It's punishing the partner for something he has no control over.

Your baby is biologically half his, you wouldn't be pregnant without him, just remember that.

Stick to your guns on the surname, but don't be so bloody selfish over the first name.

NB: your "reward" at the end, is the life you've brought into the world, not naming rights.

Ignore 'appeal' that's not supposed to be there.

Your reward for being pregnant for 9 months is a lovely baby at the end appeal of it. That doesn't give you the right to chose the first name.

Equally he doesn't have the right to call him/her after his grandparents, no right at all.

You have to come to a compromise you are both happy with.

Racheyg - Men do not have the choice of being able to be pregnant so its very unfair to suggest that you get the final decision as you are the pregnant one.

I can't agree with this more. Men aren't not being the ones who are pregnant by choice so that's an unfair card to play, really.

Equally being the primary carer for a child with a different surname to you causes no problems at all.

Equally the assumption that an unmarried couple are more likely to break up and hence the woman will become a lone parent is... charming.

Having said that, it is still a big decision deciding which surname to use, if you and you're partner don't have the same surname. The only straight-forward answer is to double barrel, but clearly not all names sound ok together.

You both have a right to have your surname there. At the very least I would put his as a middle name, if you are going with your name.

I'm with you butterfly. Although maybe you could use his grandmother or grandfathers name as middle name? Seems like a good compromise to me.

I'm always amazed by the amount of couples who give their baby the father's surname as a matter of course. I would always give the baby both surnames whether I was married or not. The mother's heritage is as important as the father's.

When it comes to the first name you just need to start looking a bit harder to find a name you both love. It's out there.

(he also needs to sort out his ex issues)

Surname thing seems eminently sensible. First name, give you're a couple should surely be agreed between you.

I want the same last name as my child, so if the father wasn't prepared to marry me, the baby would have my surname.

Why do posters think its a given that child should have same surname as mother? If you are partners then I think it should be discussed just like the first name should be. Its equally as bad as just automatically giving the baby the fathers name was years ago.