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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

Original poster

ADVICE ON THE SURNAME...

36 replies

FirstTimeMumma · 13/08/2012 19:31

Hi all.

Im 34+5 and haven't been with babies daddy since the beginning, although he has been to scans but that's about it. He very rarely asks anything about the pregnancy, and has had fun enjoying his life to the full every weekend while i'm going through all this on my own. He even went a "lads" holiday for a fortnight in June. I hate to constantly moan about him as he is no longer anything to do with me therefore i cannot dictate how he lives his life but i can't help it! This was an unplanned pregnancy( as you can probably tell ) , and i have huge trust issues with him and his family.

Problem is, i really don't feel comfortable with the baby having his families name. After all, she will be living with me and i don't feel like he has earned it? Am i being silly? His second name is Higgins, and mine is Hamilton.. So i was thinking about having Higgins-Hamilton?

I hate confrontation, and his family are known for being very confrontational and i see them causing me a lot of problems in the future. To be fair, i have said from the beginning that she can have his second name, so i now feel as though i can't go back on this but it really does upset me as i have gave up everything for my daughter and he hasn't gave up a thing.

What do you all think i should do?

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BergamotCourtyard · 26/08/2012 16:37

If he cannot be a responsible parent, it seems entirely reasonable for you to forgo the presence of his surname in your lives.

What a pity that your daughter will not have a loving father in her life. What's done is done. It's easily possible that one day that you might meet a decent man who will love your daughter as the biological father should have done but he would need to be the best of men and not a 'fly by night' or it will confuse her further.

You and your daughter can still have a great future without this man or any man. Forget being intimidated by his family, they are probably part of the problem of why he is the way he is. Concentrate now on making a secure life for her and ensuring that you are eventually financially independent, meaning that getting childcare organised and finding a good job should be a prime goal if you don't already have one. Please don't give her a life where you just live on welfare whether that be housing, benefits or anything else. Fine if you are finding your feet for a year or two but in the long run you will need to demonstrate to your daughter that you have great strength and that you can stand on your own two feet. She may want to see him when she is older and you may have to watch her being confused by his antics; if you refuse to let him see her, she may rebel so however hard it will be all you can do is explain what the situation was like and let her decide for herself. Chances are she will draw the same conclusion that you have in the end.

Hamilton sounds far preferable to the other alternative. Good luck with it.

katolla · 25/08/2012 20:40

Give your daughter your name only. I was brought up by my mother, and she gave me my father's surname (different times..). I changed it back once I was old enough. Save your child the bother!

twonker · 25/08/2012 16:16

Gook luck! I hope you manage the minefield ok.

My friend had "sex with his ex" and got her pregnant. He has always been a caring and involved parent who has managed to keep a good relationship with his ex. She chose the first name and her surname. He picked the middle name. Although this is not a name of equal importance, the middle name is an opportunity to use a name with a strong family connection, or a "statement" name, and you could offer this compromise to him if you wanted to.

mudbutton · 23/08/2012 11:57

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MammaTonic · 23/08/2012 10:38

Give Baby your name. You've earned it, I imagine you'll be 99% responsible for her care. Hamilton is a much nicer surname.

MammaT

squoosh · 22/08/2012 22:26

Your surname and yours only.

Sod his confrontational family, once you have your child you will find whole new depths of kick ass strength. I never fail to be baffled by fathers who show no interest in the pregnancy or the child but are adamant that their surname will be the baby's surname. It's purely about ego.

stoooooopidpigeon · 22/08/2012 20:17

Use your name. And think VERY carefully before you take him with you to register the birth. Being named will give him parental responsibility which has all sorts of legal implications. I'd get advice about that iiwy

Vivee74 · 22/08/2012 20:14

Definitely yours only and just do it.....

Original poster
FirstTimeMumma · 15/08/2012 23:54

Thanks everyone! You've helped make my decision much easier for when DD arrives. Appreciate all the replies!

OP posts:
LaydeeC · 15/08/2012 23:30

you should know (although you may already) that if he goes with you to register the birth, he will acquire equal parental rights and responsibilities. Either way, you can give your child your surname only.

mumzy · 15/08/2012 21:57

"her dp"

mumzy · 15/08/2012 21:57

There is no legal problem with her having only your surname. My friend has a beautiful unusual surname and her do has a bog standard surnameso both their dds have her surname even though they've been together for 25 years

ThePieWhoLovedMe · 15/08/2012 21:13

DO NOT GIVE YOUR CHILD HIS NAME !!

MoonHare · 14/08/2012 17:15

Be very careful.

Give baby your surname only. To include his is likely to cause more problems in the long term than it solves in the short term.

Do not tell him when you are going to register the birth. If he is there too you will feel only under pressure to add his name in somewhere.

Don't feel guilty about this, fast forward 18 years - do you think he'll be in the picture by then? From your description of the current situation it seems unlikely.

You have to do the best thing for you and your daughter's future.

Good luck and best wishes. Stay strong.

Ephiny · 14/08/2012 14:11

Why would you even consider giving her his name in these circumstances? It's your choice either way, do not be pushed into anything by him or his family.

Your name is much nicer btw, and goes beautifully with the first/middle names you've chosen.

babyblabber · 14/08/2012 12:23

It's worth the fight, give her your name but do tell him beforehand. You can use Higgins as a second middle name.

TerracottaPie · 13/08/2012 21:57

Agree with McPhee maybe ask MNHQ to edit out the names?

Also your surname is the nicer of the two ;-)

McPhee · 13/08/2012 21:49

It might be an idea to not put your whole name on here, you never know who's reading Smile

Original poster
FirstTimeMumma · 13/08/2012 20:39

Thanks mumofjust1 i completely agree!

OP posts:
Original poster
FirstTimeMumma · 13/08/2012 20:35

Thanks castrus! To be fair, he hasn't been the worst as i have seen other fathers not be involved at all and also seen legal battles which turn out horrible. ( I'm a nursery nurse ) I just think he is very naive and young minded, he has no clue about what is about to happen! Although he has definitely been a knobSmile

OP posts:
mumofjust1 · 13/08/2012 20:33

Hamilton only.

No question about it. He hasn't earned the right to give your little one his surname going by what you've said here.

Baby should have your surname without a doubt.

Original poster
FirstTimeMumma · 13/08/2012 20:31

No we are not married. I am still considering having his name as a middle name as i don't want to seem completely horrible to him or his family. We have had 4d scans of the baby and when they asked which name we would like on the scan picture i said Higgins, so it says 'baby higgins' on the corner in them, i really regret this decision. Im naming my daughter Amelia Grace, would Amelia Grace Higgins Hamilton be too much?

McPhee i totally agree, she will be living with me, i will be taking her on holiday, signing all official paper work etc. I have also heard that if your child has a different name to you when you go on holiday it can cause problems in the airport because of the passport differences? Not sure though.

Terracotta i agree completely. I think i'm going to have to speak to him before she arrives, to make it clear of my wishes.. I do want him to be involved, as i want my baby to know her daddy but i don't understand why he should have the second name. IMO there is no point whatsoever if she i am the one bringing her up! As for the birth, he was supposed to in the beginning along with my mother, but after considering this i have came to realize that he will cause more stress than i need, especially in labour, and i know for a fact i even looking at him will annoy me especially in that sort of environment. So i'm having my mother only as my birthing partner, she's been through it before after all and has been my support along with my father throughout.

Thanks everyone for your advice, can always rely on MN! Feeling much better now and think i'm going to have to man up and tell him what's happening and take his family as they come at me with there insults!

Smile
OP posts:
catsrus · 13/08/2012 20:21

your name and don't let him come with you to register the birth, just go along one day and do it! They don't have to have the father's name even if you're married so why should they have his when he is not interested? Keep it simple, you will be caring for the child, it should have your name... I don't know anyone who regretted giving a child their surname but I know quite a few who regretted giving them their waste of space biological father's

ekupeg · 13/08/2012 20:13

You surname only

TerracottaPie · 13/08/2012 20:10

I would go with the don't mention it until he does too.

Although maybe mention it before going in to see the Registrar if he is coming to register the birth with you?

Maybe something along the lines of 'Well as we aren't married and aren't in a relationship I feel it is important for DD to have my surname. That doesn't change me wanting you to have as much involvement as possible though.'

Is he going be at the birth?

Congratulations btw! Won't be long for you now :)

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