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Original poster

Should I give the baby his surname even though....

29 replies

jenrose29 · 01/05/2012 21:12

I am due in 4 weeks (argh!) with a second daughter. My daughter is called Ellie-Rose and has her biological fathers (my ex husbands surname.) When we seperated, I got rid of his surname and instead of reverting to my maiden name I changed my surname to Rose so that I would have a name in common with DD. My partner and I have 'issues' in that he is still in the process of getting divorced (very early stages) despite having been seperated for almost 3 years and promising that he would do it immediately well over a year ago, hence trying for a baby. We do not live together and I have said that DD and I won't be moving in with him until he is divorced. His ex-wife is a nightmare and he has two (potential) kids with her that she is stopping him from seeing. Anyway, he has assumed (as have his family) that the baby will have his surname. I said that I wanted the baby to have a name in common with DD and I and he said we could give her the middle name Rose too, but I would prefer a different middle name from DD and I call her Roses more so than Ellie so to have the same middle name would be confusing. Am I really wrong in thinking that he kind of hasn't 'earned' the right for baby to have his name? Like I said, it's been well well over a year since he said he was getting divorced, almost 3 since he's been seperated. He's shown no real committment to baby, DD and I and I don't want to have baby being stuck with his surname if he continues to not pull his finger out if he doesn't get his divorce and kids sorted. Am I being unreasonable?

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Stellan · 04/05/2012 11:36

DD (aged 4.5) hates having her fathers surname but has been reasoned with that she has mine and his name because we both helped to make her and accepts that. If this baby only has mine then she will be asking why constantly and rub it in!

Let's say your partner is called John Doe and you want to name this baby Jane. You name her:

First name: Jane
Middle name: Doe
Surname: Rose

Since you'll be her primary caregiver by the sounds of it, it makes sense that she should have your name.

Original poster
jenrose29 · 04/05/2012 10:11

I'd thought of those things but kind of makes me sound like I'm desperate to get married to him...which I'm not, I just don't want him married to someone else which I don't think is unreasonable!

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GoPoldark · 04/05/2012 00:50

Maybe he'll stop feeling sorry for himself for long enough to actually get on with getting divorced!

This is a guy who can't even make the effort NOT to be married to someone who isn't her mother by the time his daughter is born. That's how much he's willing to do for you...

You regret your first DD's surname, don't make the same mistake.

Easy enough to tell your DD that until you and DP are married, the baby has to have your name and it is changed after the wedding. When she was born, you were married to her dad so different.

As for his family, you just look at them blankly and say - but he's still married to someone else! How on earth can the baby have his surname? Just say it as if it's the most obvious thing in the world... They'll be too embarrassed to try and argue as it does sound pretty bad and is ALL his doing! A small hurt look and a 'you see, I really thought you'd have made the effort to get the divorce rolling by now... At the moment to me it would literally feel as if the baby was joining your previous family' should put the tin lid on it. Two people can play the hurt feelings game!

IvanaNap · 03/05/2012 22:34

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This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

Original poster
jenrose29 · 03/05/2012 22:23

That's the thing though, he wouldn't bicker - just feel sorry for himself and I'd feel guilty! Plus DD (aged 4.5) hates having her fathers surname but has been reasoned with that she has mine and his name because we both helped to make her and accepts that. If this baby only has mine then she will be asking why constantly and rub it in!

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IvanaNap · 03/05/2012 22:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

Original poster
jenrose29 · 03/05/2012 21:55

I know, I wish I'd never given DD her fathers name but then we were married so was different then. It's just easy to say in hindsight, not so easy to break the news to DP/his family when they've all been expecting baby to have his name.

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Badgerina · 03/05/2012 17:01

Don't do it. I gave DS his dad's surname, with my name as a middle name. Wish I hadn't. We split 5 years ago and there is NO WAY on god's green earth my ex would let me change DS's surname.

GoPoldark · 02/05/2012 22:53

It IS a bad idea.

Just don't. If he doesn't like it, cheerfully say that when he's divorced and you get married, you'll have a great celebration when you a change your names.

I'd have a tenner on that never actually happening...

Original poster
jenrose29 · 02/05/2012 21:19

minipie They are potentially his children because although his wife has told him that they are his, she has also hinted that they are not, and had countless affairs/one night stands during there marriage meaning there's a possibility one/both children aren't his.

I hadn't really considered not giving the baby his name until yesterday and think it hasn't even crossed his mind that I might not but the cautious side of me thinks it's a bad idea...

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GoPoldark · 02/05/2012 14:36

Absolutely do not give your baby this man's surname.

You can change it later if things do work out and he actually shows committment, but DO NOT give her his name now. I can almost guarantee you wll regret it, and possibly be left with ANOTHER surname you want to change but can't.

KatAndKit · 02/05/2012 13:34

Nope, I would not give the baby his last name. Give the baby your name, you can always change it in the future if you ever get married to this man.

minipie · 02/05/2012 11:16

I agree you should not give your child his surname, for all the reasons given above.

I don't understand what you mean by two (potential) children with his ex though? They are his children.

margerykemp · 02/05/2012 06:43

Don't even put him on the birth certificate until he is divorced and fully committed to you, your dd and this baby. Give your new dd your surname.

Yama · 01/05/2012 22:20

That is exactly why you should not give your baby this man's surname. Think about it. Don't lose control over your child's name.

Original poster
jenrose29 · 01/05/2012 21:49

welovesausagedogs My surname is her middle name, so can't have it twice! And can't change first daughters surname as her father wouldn't agree to it.

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welovesausagedogs · 01/05/2012 21:47

Or you could do like what the hippy communes did when they gave the kids their own surnames e.g. wild. Well you could choose a surname for both your daughters that is uniquely theres and not given by a parent.

welovesausagedogs · 01/05/2012 21:45

meant to say dads surname as second middle name.

welovesausagedogs · 01/05/2012 21:44

If it were me i would change your elder daughter names to Ellie Rose - her dads surname and then your surname. And for your younger daughter Her name her dads surname and your surname. That way both girls with have the same surname ie yours and there dads surname as a second surname.

Original poster
jenrose29 · 01/05/2012 21:39

His name doesn't work as a middle name at all. He would still be on the birth certificate though.

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invicta · 01/05/2012 21:37

Why don't you use his sirame as a middle name. Then the child will know his/ hers paternal name, and it wouldd be easier to change if needed later on.

Badgerina · 01/05/2012 21:33

Give your baby the same surname that you have - Rose.

Yama · 01/05/2012 21:28

No, you shouldn't give the baby his surname. You may regret it.

AThingInYourLife · 01/05/2012 21:25

You don't even live with this man, I can't believe you're even considering giving your baby his name.

No YANBU, but he is.

He's still married to someone else, but wants his name passed on to a baby when he won't even be a part of its immediate family in the short term?

You would be crazy to give this baby his name.

She deserves to have the same name as her mother and sister.

Original poster
jenrose29 · 01/05/2012 21:21

mypersonalfavourite That is exactly what I'm thinking. Also, it just doesn't feel right that our baby will have the same surname as him, his wife and their (potential) kids and not DD and I who the baby will be living with for the foreseeable future. Stellan It isn't that I don't want to give the baby his surname, it's just that if things did go wrong (which I hope they don't) then I would prefer DD, baby and I to have the same name rather than both children to have different surnames and, like is mentioned above, if things get sorted then baby's name can later be changed to her dads.

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