I miscarried and now my friend wants to use my name

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I agree that depth of the grief that a miscarriage can cause is often misunderstood and underestimated by those who haven't been there.

But I honestly don't think your friend has done anything wrong. She is probably of the camp (as I am) that thinks that a lovely name is a lovely name, and someone having the same first name as someone else - someone living or dead, of the same age or of a different generation, someone you live next door to or someone you see once a year - is no big deal and certainly not a cause for distress.

I'm not saying that you're wrong to feel distressed. I understand why you do. But you have to consider that maybe your friend doesn't think that she would feel upset in your shoes (by the name thing, obviously - I assume she understands that you're devastated by the miscarriage itself) and therefore it didn't occur to her that it would be hurtful to answer honestly when you asked her about names.

Now that she knows it upsets you, she may decide to use another name. But if she does go ahead and use Florence, to be really honest, I still don't think that she's wrong to do so if it's the name she loves best.

You have suffered a terrible loss, but she has not taken anything from you.

Maybe your friendship won't survive this, though, because as you say you're at a very low point and she might not be who you need in your life right now. That may be true even if it isn't her fault - she doesn't have to be wrong to be the wrong person to support you.

There's a saying that 'grief rewrites your address book' - I have found that to be true in my life, and it wasn't necessarily because the other person did something wrong, just because something happened to make me realize that we weren't all that compatible when the chips were down. I hope you can resolve things with your friend but if you can't, I hope that you have lots of other support. All the best.

I lost my much loved and wanted first baby and do know the pain you are experiencing. I am so sorry for your loss.

Nobody owns a name but this hugely insensitive and shows a complete lack of empathy.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been there and know how painful it is. Usually I'm very firmly in the 'you can't own a name' camp, but in this case I agree that your friend has been massively insensitive.

People ARE insensitive about miscarriage, IME. I was truly staggered at the ghastly comments people came out with. I think, trying to be fair to them, that an early miscarriage is such an abstract experience to those who are not directly going through it. The pregnancy didn't yet seem real to them, so the miscarriage doesn't seem really real either. I'm not excusing this, just acknowledging it. I don't suppose your friend thought for one second that her actions would hurt you like this. Only you can decide whether your friendship can absorb this or not.

All best to you x

I feel for you I really do and the way you describe it I would even say she is totally insensitive...

BUT

I also think that by discussing your name choices with friends and family you also subjected yourself to this scenario and heartache.
Sorry if I'm too blatant, but I'm totally against sharing baby names when pregnant with people that I know.

Maybe I'm being dim, but I wasn't clear whether the OP was saying "yes, of course..." because she had just said it, or whether she meant they had previously discussed it.

That last post was for vigglewiggle.

From the OP's second post, "Yes of course she knew we had it picked out"

Gosh, that's hard. I've just spent the afternoon in tears after a friend announced her baby's arrival. Her and my baby were due within weeks of each other. My DD was stillborn just before Christmas. She knew DD's name but, without any warning to me, has given her DD the same name!

Like you, I know that I don't have exclusivity over any name, but it hurts so much that I am going to have to deal with a little girl of the same age and name as my dead DD.

I can imagine how it has hurt you and am very sorry for your loss.

I'm not clear. Had you discussed your choice of name before this telephone conversation?

OP, I truly am very very sorry for your loss.

But you did directly ask her about names. Should she have lied? She may have had the name Florence in mind for years. I know I've had my girls' names lined up for a long time. It may have significant meaning for her. I know what you are going through is awful, but you don't own the name. Maybe she thought you would need time to get used to it.

Best wishes.

stopswearing you have missed out the vital link, the friend knew that OPs chosen name was Florence beforehand,

Read the thread..

My middle DC has a different name to the one I had originally chosen because my friend had a miscarriage.
We were pregnant at the same time, and both liked the same boys name. We had agreed that we'd both use it but differently (think Robert/Bobby). She then lost her baby, and we chose a different name for our son. I wouldn't have dreamed of doing that to her.
Can't imagine how she'd have felt watching my DS grow up with the name hers should have had. Unspeakably cruel.

I don't think the friend has done anything wrong.

She called to tell you she was pregnant.

You asked her about names, and she said Florence.

You said you had wanted it for your baby, she made an excuse and got off the phone.

She has to process your request.

She hasn't done anything wrong.

I had this several times when going thru (unsuccessful) fertility treatment

Bye bye baby Elliot and Danni .. . . My boy and girl names BOTH taken by fucking family

I think its very insensitive that she should be discussing names with you so soon after your miscarriage. She should have kept the names private untill later and then broached the subject with you. Maybe later in her pregnancy she could have asked and maybe you would have felt better about it, but this early is very insensitive.

oh op this is dreadful. i am so sorry for your loss.

your friend is just being awful. of course you know it's not your name, but fgs you just miscarried. if she REALLY wanted to use Florence, the least she could have done was keep it under her hat until the birth so you had some time to heal beforehand.

but if she had any manners, she wouldn't use it at all imo. i could never ever do this to a friend. not for the sake of a bloody baby name.

Is she really a close friend? I can't believe her. Sorry for your MC.

Regardless of whether she knew about you wanting Florence, discussing baby names with you is unforgivable. A phone call to let you know she was pregnant and an agknowledgement of what hard news that must be for you at this time would have been what a half decent friend would have done.

I am very sorry for your loss :(

i think to phone you a week after you have lost your baby and start talking about baby names etc is spectacularly crass, fair enough she wants to share her pregnancy news, but there is a time and a place and then to say she wants to use the name she knew you were planning to use, well that is just off!

fair enough if nearer her due date she came to you and said that she really liked the name and wanted to let you know, but 1 wk after you have lost your baby? that is just awful and in the same circumstances i wouldnt use a name that i knew a friend had chosen for a baby she then lost.

Florence is a popular name and alovely, i thought of it for my dd, but my dp vetoed it, so when you do get preg again and have your baby, do use it if you still really like it, dont let your 'friend' having used it put you off xxx

((pencilandpen))

I would only loose the friendship if I was sure that my "friend" had no (real) reason to use the name, if she had loved it for years then I think it would be okay for her to use it. She might have had it picked long before either of you were pregnant.

She could have waited until things were not so raw to tell you of her intentions to use it though.

I don't understand why it isn't worth losing a friend who would treat you so callously.

You'd have to be pretty desperate for friends to want someone like that in your life.

My SIL asked me not to use the name she and DB have picked for a girl (they had a boy). I never would have used it anyway, knowing it was the name they would have called their daughter - and there was no loss involved, no pain or sadness, just a name they like.

OP, just wanted to say how sorry I am that you had a MC at 12w. I had a MMC at 13w and it hurt like hell and took me a long time to get over. It's only really got easier now I am PG again.

IMO it is incredibly insensitive and thoughtless of your friend to do this, and while 'no one owns a name' I would never do this to a friend - and cannot believe a single one of my (good) friends would do this to me.

It may be she doesn't realise how much what she is planning hurts you. Could you invite her round for a coffee or arrange a meeting and explain how you feel? Perhaps if she knew how much distress this was causing at an already difficult time for you, she would rethink - or perhaps she can explain to you her reasons for choosing the name. Perhaps she could use Florence as a middle name.

IMO there are enough names in the world to use, without picking a name that would cause a good friend distress.

Take care x

Totally insensitive OP and it sounds like she realised that by cutting off the call and disappearing, hopefully she will call and apologise.

This is why we have never told anyone our names, even after our DS was born we still haven't shared our girl's name in case we have a girl next time, although my SIL has known for years and years as I didn't want her to use that name for my nieces, which she was good enough to respect.