I miscarried and now my friend wants to use my name

A 'friend' did this to me when I lost my daughter at 7.5 months we named her, buried her, about 4 months later my 'friend' tells me she is pregnant very excitingly.

A year almost to the day my daughter died, she announces her daughter, same name (and middle name too!)

I had a ds around the same time as her DD, he has special needs she constantly rubbed her daughters achievements in my face and she now wont talk to me cos I make her feel 'guilty' for her DD being normal.

No great loss.

I named my mc babies, and could not call my subsequent dc by the same name - those had already been used. The names are between me and dp. The only time I have told anyone one of the babies' name was when my best friend kept mentioning it as a possible name for her child (she was pg). She thought I didn't like it because I always went very quiet when she mentioned it, so I told her it was my baby's name and that I would rather like it if she used it. She felt the name had already been used and didn't use it - but I was rather sad; I would actually have loved her baby to share the name.

Your situation is a bit different, and I do think your friend could have forgotten that you had mentioned the same name. Give her some time and see what she does. In the meantime, to you that name means your baby - it actually doesn't matter whether someone else uses it as well.

I'm so cross on your behalf. It's terrible. In your shoes I might feel like my 'friend' was benefitting (and saw herself as benefitting) from my loss... the name being 'up for grabs'. I think this goes beyond disregarding your feelings. Ditch the friend, but don't look back. Not much of a friend.

Normally I'd be the first so say 'no one owns a name', but given the context of your recent loss, it does seem incredibly insensitive of your friend.

All I can say really is try to let it go if you can, no good can come of pursuing the matter any further, it will only cause more upset to you.

Don't feel you won't be able to use the name in the future though, if you do have a little girl some day. Your friend doesn't own the name either!

OP and Bartlet, so sorry for your losses. Take care of yourselves... and OP, you do what you want to do with this friendship, take your time and if it changes things for you then walk away and know that it's absolutely understandable for you to do so. At the very least, she's been horribly insensitive - not a great friend then, is she?

I agree with everything sqoosh said.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm really sorry for your loss....and sorry that you're going through the pain of having it brought up again with your friend's pregnancy and the name issue. Was Florence to be the first or second name? If it was to be the first name, I would be furious, if it was to be the middle name I would just be peeved.

toomuch you're imploring others to read the OP properly, and then saying that the friend rang OP to say that she was using the name.

Maybe it's you that should read it again. The OP asked about names. The friend answered.

Maybe it would have been better to lie and said that she didn't have any in mind, but to say that she rang up to tell OP she was using the name is incorrect.

Just pointing that out since you seem concerned about other poster's accuracy.

I am sorry for your loss. I have been there and lost a child at 12 weeks. I had given him a name Peter, after my DH's father who died when DH was young.

I had told some people that was the plan.

My lost baby is still Peter, but so are many others including Dh's godson, and that's fine. IMO telling you this is what she was planning to call Her dd at this stage was insensitive, but that's all. It's insenstive, but not a huge deal and she should be able to call her dd whatever she wants. It is no more nor less than insenstive and so many other things were and will be insensitive in the next few weeks. Unfortunately that's how miscarriage is.

For what its worth the DS I had after the baby I miscarried is not called Peter. I couldn't do that as that was the baby that was lost. Peter is DS middle name but it would not have been right for us to call DS Peter even given the strong family connection. In time you may feel the same about Florence, but all that is too soon now.

It's a nice name, it's a compliment (tribute even) that your friend still likes it in spite of your loss.

Sorry about your loss. If you were my friend I would have managed my news & thoughts very differently.

PencilandPen, your 'friend' is a cow.

If she had thought for even one minute about your feelings she would not have decided to name her baby Florence. It will be difficult for you to see her Florence growing up, even though time heals the pain of miscarriage. Testing the waters in such a callous way is a completely unacceptable thing to do too, if that is what she was doing. She had six more months to bounce her 'idea' around -- did she really imagine that one week after the miscarriage would be the time to fly it by you? I think she subconsciously stole the name and is completely shameless and self absorbed.

Go with your feelings as far as this friendship is concerned. If you feel it is too much for you to bear, forget her and move on. You owe her nothing.

There are a million other names that she could have picked.

Very sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is horrible.

Bartlet That is horrendous.

OP, I think your 'friend' is being horrible. She knew that you would have called your child Florence if you had had a little girl and a week after you miscarried the potential Florence she decides to use that name for her girl to be born a week after yours would have been? I could not remain friends with someone so heartless.

can i have a 'like' button for toomuchmonth

I'm very sorry for your loss

"So then she said she was actually thinking about Florence and what a great name it is and that her husband really likes it too"

Giving your friend the benefit of the doubt, it sounds like she's testing the waters. Given your reaction, she may well not now use it?

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Had a similiar thing happen to me, won't go into detail but it was my DS. (Never had a girl anyway after 2 boys and through health reasons stopped at two). She had a girl and decided to call it 'my name' I thought, shall I say something and because it was knawing away at me, I pointed out that I had already said that was my favourite ( I remember the conversation). ~She protested and I think she realised that she had subconciously pinched it! ~She still used it as a second name and still brings it up routinely as if I should feel guilty for her not having it. Her DH hated the name!
Fact is you only had a 50/50 chance of using it anyway. That's the way I feel about it, resign yourself to it. Try again and if you have a girl, you could name her Florence anyway. Sounds like you won't be having much to do with her in the future. But look at it another way, there are so many beautiful girls names to pick, have a re-think.

I am sorry for your loss,
I think you need to talk to your friend although you can not tell her not to use the name.
Personally I would not plan to call my baby the same name as a lost child as I would feel it jinxed but that is just me

ESP not someone who rings up ONE WWEEK LATER after your conversation about your loss to say she is using your chosen name. that anyone could think this is acceptable behaviour from a so called friend.

Just reached page 2, PLEASE will posters READ the Original post properly before wading in with their opinions ... ESP the part where the OP has said

"I had already told her our chosen names"

Is that clear enough for you?????? Sheesh

OP, I am very very sorry for your loss. Your "friend" is being a callous, unthinking cow who has obv never felt such a loss or she would never do such a horrible thing. Sorry this is raw for me too, please give yourself all the time you need to get over the loss of your baby, and no you do not need someone like her in your life.

agreed squoosh i was a bit at that too.

Oh and bartlet i am so at your story. When i read your story I tried to think about how i would feel if i lost DS and someone had used his name, distraught.

The people who say she hasn't done anything wrong sound about as sensitive as your 'friend' in my opinion.

Your 'friend' doesn't sound much like one to me. Insensitive & now she is avoiding you? Im sorry for your loss but don't hold onto friends that are no good for you.

it sounds possible that she forgot/didn't register that you had chosen that name -her reaction after you told her (post mc) sounds like she didn't know - otherwise I would have expected her to have a more prepared response.
Other than the name has she been supportive?
i am not sure there is a right way to tell someone who has mc'd that you are pregnant

When it comes to your having another child which I truly hope happens, if you want to use this name then, use it. It can still be your special name.
( I really regret giving my DD my favourite name as a second name so as to avoid clashing with a local aquaintance - and then we moved, 6000 miles away!)
I think its going to be challenging being around friends who are pregnant and I think they should be sensitive to this and not rub their pregnancy in your face. I hope you find the love and support to get through this.