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Baby names

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Original poster

HELP DP & I can't agree whose surname for baby

37 replies

Scheherezadea · 18/05/2011 11:54

This keeps leading to big strops between me adn DP. Some outside opinions please??!

I am half iranian, and in Iran it is traditional for women to keep their surname when they get married. Which I like - I would never, ever give up my Iranian surname. From a feminist perspective - I don't see why I should give up my heritage and identity. DP's dad was adopted, his mum & dad are aplit up and he's closest to his mum, but his mum has kept her ex's surname, so really there's no real tie to DP and his name.

We're not married. It'd really, really mean a lot to me for the baby to take my persian name. At first DP was fine with this, but now apparently his dad has decided he wants it to have his surname (which is just a plain english name, a bit like "Thompson"). So now that he's decided that, all of a sudden his family are expecting baby to have his name JUST because he is the man!

I find this very, very offensive - this is the 21st century; what happened to womens rights and equality? Ok we can discuss it, but for the bottom line to be 'it's his because he is the man and authority and master' is horrible. I am an educated, intelligent woman.

Humph. needed that rant too.

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mousymouse · 18/05/2011 13:59

Moving: not quite right.
if she is going alone to register, she has the sole say about the surname, but she can still put his name on the certificate.

MovingAndScared · 18/05/2011 13:41

LittleMiss - if he doesn't come to register the child as they are not married OP's DP won't have parental responsibiliy which I am guessing wouldn't be good

LittleMissFlustered · 18/05/2011 13:30

If you are not married, you can just not take him to register the child. Once you have decided on the surname on the certificate it cannot be easily changed as far as I remember. This is, of course, a rather rude way of doing things, but it is an option.

I think you are right to keep your name and pass it onto your child if it means something to you. Much better than "dad wants it" as a reason for passing on of your partner's. Good luck.

RitaMorgan · 18/05/2011 12:49

I wasn't keen on double barrelling either, but at least with DPs surname as the middle name DS can choose to double barrell in the future if he wants, or always write his name out in full.

Original poster
Scheherezadea · 18/05/2011 12:47

Thanks all. DP is now insisting we have his surname because he doesn't want to upset his family.

I don't mind if we discussed it and came to the decision to have his surname, but I won't allow it to happen on the basis of he is the MAN and the MASTER and I am subordinate female! I just sent him an email explaining all of this basically, because he is difficult to talk to about it so fingers crossed he understands!

Our surnames are quite long and wouldn't double barrel well. The middle name idea is a good one though, and something i hadn't thought of!

I know it sounds like I am making a mountain out of a molehill, but I just find it a bit offensive in 21st Century Britain people are still clinging to outdated mysogynistic views!

OP posts:
RitaMorgan · 18/05/2011 12:47

Baby can have your DP's surname as a middle. My ds has my name as his surname and DPs as the middle one.

TheOriginalFAB · 18/05/2011 12:41

I don't think your FIL has any say in what you call your baby.

My personal opinion is that it is right for a baby to have his/her father's surname but this is your baby, not mine, and you need to come to a compromise.

MovingAndScared · 18/05/2011 12:39

I didn't change my name when I got married and we used my surname as one of boys middle names - but I wasn't that attached to my surname for the boys - if you are not married its quite common for the child to have the mothers surename I would say

PaperView · 18/05/2011 12:37

There are lots of ways to compromise.

You could use either name as a middle name or you could double barrel the surname.

Bue · 18/05/2011 12:31

I agree with Bronze.

bronze · 18/05/2011 12:00

in your position I would give his surname as a middle name and use yours but I know how difficult it can be to convince these pesky men.

bronze · 18/05/2011 11:58

Well even traditionally in Britain children took their Mothers surname. It only seems that they took the Fathers because for a long time it was the norm for parents to be married and the woman would have taken the mans surname. It being her surname it then became the childs surname.
So if you're keeping your surname as is tradition in Iranian culture the baby could then take your surname as is tradition in British culture.
I hope that actually makes sense

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