To be irritated by my parents always expecting dinner?

Mmm… I started off thinking that you’re a bit mean, I would love to have nice parents dropping in etc. But (haven’t read it all) but have still gathered, they weren’t the best parents, they seem to come specifically to eat, quite often?! Also ignorantly sit there until that time when it’s obvious that you don’t want to give them dinner. So no you are dnu. I think I’d just say ‘oh sorry were you wanting dinner? I’ve not really got enough in we’re having whatever you’ll have to sort yourselves out’.

Chanelsunnies · 07/05/2023 16:04 So last summer parents came over on a Wednesday evening, arrived about 5.30 after we’d finished work, they’d had a BBQ at ours on the Saturday. We were all sat in the garden drinking a glass of wine, it got to 7pm and it became clear they’d sit there all night if we let them so I had to say ‘sorry guys, but going to have to get dinner on now so will have to ask you to make a move.’ To which they both looked at me like I’d slapped them round the face, wounded, puppy dog eyes and went ‘oh okay, yeh’ and off they went. When they left, DH said ‘that was so awkward’ I was like I know, but we don’t have enough to go round tonight and we only fed them at the weekend!! They just made us feel so guilty and genuinely would have sat there all night and expected dinner if I hadn’t said to them. So I have spoke up in the past but just end up getting made to feel really guilty. I think this post is just a moan/ vent really and to double check whether I’m just being tight/ unreasonable as they make me feel like I am.

But you didn't exactly "Speak up" did you! What you did was suddenly contradict what appears to have become "the norm" for them when they visit you i.e you provide food...from the freezer or the same as what you are having if there is enough.

I think you need to have a straight discussion with them expressing specifically what you feel/want/can provide or whatever as in

"It is nice to see you when you pop round. I am wondering why I always seem to end up having to provide an unplanned meal for you!. Why does that always happen?"

Listen to their reply and adapt your response accordingly. If they say "of if you don't want us ....bla bla" type of answer reply "No I didn't say that. My question was "why ..." Keep repeating that question re always feeding them. If and when you get a straight answer listen etc

Your reply might be:
It is always nice to see you of course. However I am finding it disruptive/difficult/ irritating/ tiring (or whatever words you wish to use to describe etc) having to provide food unexpectedly for you as often as I do.

I think it would be helpful if you could ring to let us know you are coming. Can you also not work on the basis of having food at our house every time you come. Maybe come earlier and have a cuppa and then go home to eat. ..." ...or a version of that that covers what you want to say. In other words work with them on a compromise that woks for every one

If she’s not keen on her parents I wonder why she continues to see them. She can make a decision not to. I wouldn’t have anything to do with parents who were horrible to me.

They will probably be so grateful for your loving parenting that they will be only too happy to make dinner for you in years to come.

And before anyone says, we all now know OP had horrible parents.

I couldn’t get to the end! How old were you when you left home? Enough said!

sounds like you grew up in a traditional culture where extended family ties are very strong?

I am so glad my parents don’t guilt-trip me. They recognised when I was busy with young kids and would not have dreamed about turning up and demanding to be fed. I can help them more now my kids are older and they appreciate that. But don’t demand it.

I feel so so sorry for your kids. You are going to make their adult lives hell. Maybe make them a MN login each now. They will need it.

I doubt there's much chance any children you have would even be in contact with you if you're going to think they are your slave and nothing they do for you could ever even repay a single birth pain! It's not transactional like that anyway.

It seems some people in this thread have incredibly different families to everyone else but can't fathom that. "Oh I'd welcome the opportunity to feed my parents as many random days as they show up!" Well that's LOVELY but OP has said it's difficult for her to manage, and she cannot afford to do this. I would hope your perfect families with endless money would at least speak up and say that yes they want dinner, or even offer some money to offset the expense. OP has said hers do neither and SHE finds that difficult.

People are calling us nasty but we're literally responding to OP's situation.

I agree some people are thick and have a very black white view of a parent and adult child relationship!

Just because they are her parents does not justify their behaviour.

Who the hell pops round at 4pm during the week after school/work/after school activities?

The op said so herself, her mother doesn’t cook and expects her dad to do it. He then can’t be bothered, so they pop over hoping to be fed and watered.

I can imagine that they don’t dig in and help but expect to be treated as a guest and do nothing.

You need to tell them to leave when you are serving dinner. Maybe invite them once a week.

One good reason to meal plan when doing the weekly shop, at least then you can legitimately say that you don't have enough food to feed any unexpected "guests"

I think MN need to change the posting rules so that people have to RTFWT before posting their bullshit. .
People can't wait to stick it to the Op!

I would put some firmer boundaries in place about their popping in - not on a school night, it's too disruptive.
I come home from work, into pjs, get dinner and chill.
I love my DPs and they are great but I don't want to see anyone in the week.
Invite them on a Saturday instead.

@starfiyah can you please read the thread before posting?

So set the boundaries like you did last summer and refuse to feel guilty.

If you can, manage expectations sooner rather than later. Like the quiche. You’d told them them they’d need to buy something at the fete. You didn’t need to get the quiche out or feel guilty.

So in advance asap if possible

“haven’t got enough food to stretch tomorrow/tonight. So you are welcome to come/stay but I’ll have to chuck you out before dinner.”
Or
“tonight it’s x for dinner. There is plenty if you’d like to stay”

You’ve told them the situation early on to manage their expectations. You’ve set the boundary early on and then they know clearly where they stand, so there is no need to feel guilty.

The guilt you have us ruining the relationship here. Not them, because you are sending them mixed messages. Be clear and stand your ground. It’ll be difficult the first few times but then you’ll all know the score and they will cease to expect food every time.

I know right. Be prepared on Friday night and make a bigger meal enough to also feed your parents. Treat them like welcomed weekly guests. If you can handle feeding two more children, then you can handle it if those people are your parents. Seeing that the majority of people on this thread are nasty people really hurt my heart. I hope I don’t get children like this.

So the fact that “she didn’t choose to be born” justifies her seeing her parents as burdens after all they have done for her? Parents do so much for us and some of us insist on taking it for granted. Some people don’t even want to choose appreciation, just selfishness. There was a man who took care of his elderly mother: he spent his life feeding her, clothing her, bathing her- being in her service. He asked a wise man, have I fulfilled her rights? The reply: it does not fulfil even a single birth pain. You take care of her waiting for her to die, whilst she did the same for you as an infant wanting for you to live longer. Some of you lot don’t deserve anyone doing anything for you as you can’t even muster up the gratitude for the very people who gave you the most.

This used to happen to me OP. Your mum sounds just like the girl I had to contend with every other weekend, except she was five! Your mum is very very immature. Be blunt and say ‘sorry but their mine’ or ‘sorry we haven’t got anything in as wasn’t expecting to cook this late’.

They're taking advantage of you and your lack of boundaries when it comes to food so be blunt, say no. No, you can't have one of my favourite chocolates. No you can't join us for dinner. You have to say what you mean and mean what you say otherwise this behaviour will never change and you'll be stuck with it. Be blunt at the front door if you have too.

I honestly don't think this is just about meals- I suspect OP doesn't want her parents popping round all the time as much as this. I appreciate all families are different and some are round their mothers every day with kids etc- but personally I wouldn't want my parents round like this all the time- the meal situation I think is a side issue . Doesn't it occur to them that people who work have other stuff to do ? It's nice to have a close relationship if possible but that doesn't have to mean living in each others pockets. I speak to my 25 year old son 2 or 3 times a week and see him about every 5 for a weekend( he lives in London) but think we have a close relationship

Exactly. Thick as mince, can't read and unable to comprehend outside the little world where they keep their hob nailed boots ready to give total strangers on the Internet a kicking.

These grandparents are turning up several times a week and are expecting to eat food that's intended for their grandchildren.

I can't believe that anyone would prioritise feeding people who can't be bothered cooking above children who aren't able to earn money to buy their own food.

Ask them first if they will be coming over, and if they want to stay for a meal could they please bring over a dish to save you some time, that way you wouldn’t have to be in the kitchen for so long preparing a meal for everyone while they were visiting.
Alternatively, ask them to come over a bit earlier and leave before you serve dinner as you do not have enough in the house to feed everyone so they will have to eat at their own home.

I think I am one of the few who feeds my kids because I love them and am responsible for them. Not because I want payback when they are adults.

Wow what a thread. Begrudging your parents food and sharing tips with each other on how to be nasty to them.

Simple communication is needed.
‘If you will be coming to visit us, will you let us know which day and when? If you’re intending to eat with us, we need to know otherwise we won’t have enough food.’

There - done. I have a very testing relationship with my DM, but she’s fed me all during my childhood, so I really can’t begrudge cooking meals for her now a couple of times a week.

@RachelGreensHair it's the OPs parents that are rude, the responses are polite. These aren't parents who have turned up occasionally, they do this several times a week, expecting to be fed and watered without any warning, or being asked. It's expensive for the op and causes extra work all round for her, without being invited