Second marriage etiquette...AIBU??

Seeing as this thread is 15 years old I’m fairly certain the OP has worked out whether or not to buy a gift or not by now.

If your friend has a baby - you buy a gift to celebrate baby Sarah’s birth.

if they have a 2nd baby - you buy a gift to celebrate the arrival of little Harry.

no one I know would say - I bought a gift for your first baby so I’m not getting anything for your second - it’s a one time offer…

Surely you celebrate the event in front of you????? Whether you did / didn’t buy a gift for the first wedding is irrelevant.

that marriage is over - it didn’t work out.

she has invited you to her 2nd wedding - convention dictates you buy a gift and card to celebrate. Most people do a wish list to avoid 29 toasters . Yes some people see them as grabby - but ultimately they are practical - but there is no law that says you can’t go off list and buy something else.. or give money / vouchers

If you love and care about your friend - go to her wedding - buy a new frock for yourself share in her day and buy her a gift.

if you don’t care for your friend - decline the invitation.

Hopefully the bride and groom are happy and enjoying married life - about to celebrate their 15th wedding anniversary! Not sure how such an old thread was resurrected but here we all are!

I got married for the second time and one of our aims was that It cost people the bare minimum to attend. We expressly said no gifts and had a meal at a local country pub which we paid for.

To us, the important thing was having a very small group of people who we loved there to celebrate with us. We have a house full of stuff and didn't need anything so saw gifts as an unnecessary expense for people.

It was exactly what we wanted and for me, much better than the first one where it was managed by my parents and relatives who I thought were dead were invited.

Hi OP as others have said it is a bit of a minefield - lists not lists, first wedding / second wedding. When we got married 20+ years ago parents were aghast at us sending out a list and we were heavily criticised for it - and then when my younger siblings got married my parents advised them to send a list "as it was such a good idea"! I have no real advice but just wanted to say how this thread has been really quite friendly (for such a divisive topic!) and you have been incredibly kind and gracious in all your replies.

I think an attached gift list to wedding invitation is poor manners. If people want to give you a gift they will. Some will ask, then fair game to give them ideas. But the way this bride is going about it sounds very transactional. YANBU but it doesn't matter whether it's a first or third wedding regarding the gift list.

Why have a list at all second time around already have a house?

"it doesn't mean that the act of buying a gift is anything other than entirely voluntary"

auntpolly, dh was getting married for the 2nd time but I wasn't. Should I have only sent gift lists details to the people on my side of the guest list?

muminthemiddle, having a gift list doesn't have to mean expecting people to buy a gift (in the sense of wanting them to, rather than in the sense of believing that they probably will, iyswim) and it doesn't not mean that the act of buying a gift is anything other than entirely voluntary. I don't for a moment believe that what dh and I did was "the height of bad manners".

Perhaps it depends on the kind of friends and family a person has. We've never had a whisper from anyone who was at (or who couldn't come to) our wedding that they felt insulted.

I agree with diplodoris.

Tis the height of bad manners to include a gift list even before you know whether the guests can attend.
Re the second marriage issue, mmm again it wouldn't upset me to buy a gift BUT I would like to offer to buy a gift, rather than be expected to buy iyswim.

YANBU. Gift lists are practical and I don't find them rude. However, if I was getting married for the second time I would definitely not include one in the invite. Wedding guests spend enough on hotels, outfits etc. The fact that they came to 2 of my weddings would be enough for me!

Well, tbh, it never occurred to me that I was being impolite (still less rude, presumptous, greedy & ill-mannered) by including gift list details with the invites to my wedding (my first, dh's 2nd). Based on my experience, it seemed likely to me that people would want to give gifts and, since we both had had households already, our reasoning was that it was better to give suggestions of things that we would use rather than leave them in the dark. It also never occurred to me to crosscheck the guest list with the gifts purchased to make sure that everyone gave a gift - I still don't know, nor do I care - or to check how much anyone spent.

If I had left my guests to ask if for a gift list or for suggestions, I would have felt uncomfortable. I did not want to discuss with people what gift they were going to give us. I wanted them to feel free to choose whether or not to give a gift and to choose what gift to give.

I also see nothing wrong with asking for money, as long as it's done in the right way. Stipulating an exact amount of money, though; I can't think of a single possible justification for that. I certainly would not have gone to that wedding (or given a gift at all) and I hope that I would have rapidly reconsidered the friendship (if friend it was).

Completely agree. I think it is impolite to include a gift list with an invitation.

"If guests really feel they need to give a gift then they can get in touch and request suggestions"

Am also totally of the school of thought that lists should not be mentioned / included in the invitation.

If people then ask about it, they don't have to be given individual suggestions... They just have to be directed to the list, surely?

All very simple.

And if some people assume there is no list - so what? You miss out of a few presents - hardly the end of the world.

I have been married 3 times-I never had a gift list[no mention of gifts on invitations]
Most people did give someting I think but I couldnt tell you who did and who didnt.We sent thank you cards to those with labels.Do what you want-your friend will be too happy to notice imho.

This seems to have come away from the thread about if its appropriate to ask for gifts at a second marriage (and thank f**k for that cause second weddings are the real deal rather than the practise run ) and gone in to whether a list is right or not in general.

I will be asking for a contribution towards the honeymoon as and when the time comes myself. DP would be on his 2nd, my first (and last hopefully!)

"If guests really feel they need to give a gift then they can get in touch and request suggestions"

I would expect that someone could then direct them to a wedding list, not that the bride/groom would have to give separate suggestions to every person who asked.

I think as soon as you include a wedding list, you're suggesting that one should be given, even if you put 'none are expected'. To me that seems like a cop out, "we want presents but we don't want to seem too grabby, so we'll say none expected but still go to the trouble of picking out a list"

FreeButton - I think most people, these days, don't mind being asked for money as long as it's going towards a specific item.

It would be better if you could find an art gallery which sells stuff you like and ask them if they can run a wedding list? That way people could ring up the art gallery and effectively put some money "behind the till" for you IYSWIM. It makes it less like asking for cash.

I am struggling with the gift list thing at the moment. Getting married in Oct. Invites have gone out - no mention of gifts. I come from massive Irish mafia style family who insist on giving gifts and have started to hassle my parents already for options.

But we've been together 7 years, so have all the house stuff we really need. Also the wedding is in Ireland and we live in London so carting 7 toasters back would be a nightmare. What we would love is a small contribution towards buying a painting. That way we could buy something we love and have it as a permanent memento of our wedding day.

But my mum (who is the prime target of the requests as they stupidly insisted on sending the invites out in the old fashioned "giving your daughter away as a some type of chattel" way) is struggling to get this across without sounding like we're money-grabbing. It's really just for people who can't think of something to buy us themselves but as soon as you try to put it in words, it seems grasping. Pah - at least I am not having to deal with it in person!

god anniebee you wonder whether they made a profit from that wedding

"By all means have a list, but wait to be asked for it."

Problem with this solution is that:

a) if no list is mentioned in the invite, the guest will probably assume there isn't one

b) the guest doesn't want to bother the bride & groom by asking them for the list

c) the bride & groom don't want to be bothered by potentially 100 phone calls/emails asking for the list.

I think there is absolutely no problem including list details in the invitation, as long as it's made clear that no gifts are expected.

I know someone who asked for gift vouchers to a really nice store in my home town when she got married (first wedding, not that it matters). I thought that was inspired, everyone could give what they felt was reasonable then.

Of course we were all asking each other how much the going rate was, but that was our problem I guess.

Sloany Pony is right. Its a bloody minefield! We should get back to basics. A nice couple won't mind if you get nothing, esp if you have had to fork out for overnight accommodation and travel.
Nothing is compulsory, and if all else fails, a bottle of champagen always goes down well.