Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want a quickie..

36 replies

Irishchic · 19/05/2010 11:30

At 7am today when my husband has pretty muuch ignored me (sexually) for the last 3 weeks and then wakes up with a hard on and I just happen to be beside him.

This is an ongoing issue for us. He complains that I never initiate sex, yet NEVER comes to bed with me, preferring to stay up till 1am watching sport or whatever happens to be on the tv. I have told him time and time again over the years that if he were in bed at the same time as me from time to time, then I would find it easier to get in the mood.

I am not against quickies per se, but he was away on a lads holiday for 4 nights, came home from that, I suggested we go out to dinner, (and usually as a date night that would mean sex) but he said he wanted to watch the footie when we got home. So I let it go. Then all last week I worked night and day helping him with a business issue, he was really grateful, but still never went near me, and then finally, he wakes up with a hard on, and oh look, I just rememebered I have a wife!!

And to all those who say why dont I just jump him or tell him what I want, well the thing is, I dont want sex anyway when I am being taken for granted like this, and he knows damn well becuase I have told him a zillion times that I need some intimacy, verbal connection whatever you want to call it before I can get turned on. So, at the end of a long day at home with kids, and having finally hung up the marigolds, I am not gonna suddenly feel like jumping on my husband, but if he came up to bed at the same time and maybe gave me a hug or some bloody sign of affection then I am sure I would get in the mood pretty quick.

So I am fed up. And would welcome any views, flaming, whatever...

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Original poster
Irishchic · 09/10/2024 17:18

@Youblewitlady what are you trying to achieve by resurrecting a 14 year old thread?

OP posts:
Downdog · 09/10/2024 11:23

zombie thread

Costume Party Zombie GIF by Halloween Party
Youblewitlady · 09/10/2024 05:29

You have killed it for him. He rather get it elsewhere or by his own hand than beg you !!! Congrats Every Man on EARTH.

Original poster
Irishchic · 19/05/2010 21:59

Angelcat I hadnt considered doing that until now, and I actually think that could be quite effective, esp if taped over MOTD!

OP posts:
Angelcat666 · 19/05/2010 21:29

Have you considered writing this down in a letter or an email and giving it to him. If it's wrote down then maybe he'd read it more than once and it would eventually sink in.

YANBU btw

Alternatively sellotape it to the tv when MOTD is on, he can't miss it that way

Original poster
Irishchic · 19/05/2010 20:30

The point is Lovebeing I have been bothering to make the effort up to now, and I realise that i am the only one that has actually been making any effort. So I am going to try and explain to my dh (yet again) what I need, only this time, if he doesnt bother to even try and meet me halfway, then I am not going to have duty sex just to keep him happy.

OP posts:
LoveBeing33 · 19/05/2010 20:25

If you can't be bothered to make the effort and neither is he, you're either going to be like this forever or split up.

Original poster
Irishchic · 19/05/2010 19:24

Chandon that is funny, your life mirrors mine!

LoveBeing..actually it has been like this for several years now, yes we had the kids, we have been having sex, just very unfulfilling sex and only when he seems to feel like it, with no effort on his part to make me feel special.

I really dont expect (and would hate) some Hollywood cheesy style romance to precede every sexual encounter, but you know, the odd hug, eye contact, being brought a cup of tea, telling me I'm lovely or something, just making me feel like I am special to him would crank up my desire no end.

Right now, I feel like he doesnt see or notice me sexually, unless he happens to be in the mood, which by the way is mainly first thing in the morning cos he has woken up with an erection, or, when he has been out with me and we have had a bit to drink, then he gets very frisky.

But on a normal weekday night or weekend night if we are staying in, well then the footie is far more compelling.

And yes, I could saunter downstairs in my sexy undies, but I couldnt be effing bothered to make that effort for someone who treats me like a domestic with extras!

ENm I will take that advice on board and try it out.

Foureleven you got it in one!

OP posts:
Chandon · 19/05/2010 19:06

I suspect lots of men are like this.

men can go from 0 to 60 in 1 second flat.

Women need at least, oooooo, a few minutes?

Men get lazy if theý´ve been with you for a long time, and make the minimum effort, if they can get away with it.

My DH used to give me a massage, or just a hug (with no immediate sexual intent)or even take me out for dinner sometimes. Or just a bit of eye contact, FFS

Now he just takes a pause whilst brushing his teeth and asks, mouth full of foam: Fancy a quicky?

No idea how we got there

LoveBeing33 · 19/05/2010 18:27

It can't always have been like this if you gave 5 children so has something changed recently?

You say you can get him away from the tv, seriously if you came downstairs in your sluttest nicest undies and sat on his lap you really think he'd tell you to go away?

foureleven · 19/05/2010 18:18

If you are expecting the full movie scene romance bfore every session then YABU, I think a quickie is a sexual need. They can be incredibly satisfying.

But YANBU to expect that most of the time sex will involve effort on his part to get you in the mood.

My ex was like this, stayed downstairs watching TV until 1am then came to bed wanting sex when Id been asleep for 2 hours. Or we'd both stay up but he'd be stairing blankly at the TV fondling his balls for 4 hours then came over and expected me to be in the mood... Ok I'll stop now because my skin is crawling.

Its childish, selfish, lazy and completely U!

OldMacEIEIO · 19/05/2010 14:03

a hard man is good to find

happysmiley · 19/05/2010 13:53

Eric's right. He's not had to change his behaviour because so far you have had sex with him when he wanted it. Stop and he'll soon have to start thinking about what you want.

EricNorthmansmistress · 19/05/2010 13:48

Sex strike. Seriously, you have made your feelings clear and you should state that you are no longer willing to participate in unfulfilling sex which only occurs to hsi schedule and to service his needs. Until you are given the attention that you need and deserve you will not carry out sex as if it is another domestic chore.

End of.

Original poster
Irishchic · 19/05/2010 13:42

EricNorthmansM that is exactly it. He IS pissed off. It is the first time in maybe a whole year that I have turned him down. It is not as if I am always rejecting him. What upsets me here, is that despite many heartfelt long chats about this, he just does what he always does. Sits in front of tv every night, oblivious to me, watches tv again when we come home from a date, (a rare and preceious commodity when you have 5 kids under 10) and then, one morning happens to wake up with a hard on, and suddenly then I am expected to perform.

If I wasnt feeling so taken for granted and overlooked I would happily romp with my husband in any room in the house, as I did before, when we first got together, but am not inclined to jump him now when I am only noticed when a hard on needs dealt with!

OP posts:
RooBear · 19/05/2010 13:23

it was the other way this morning, I woke DH up with a look in my eye at quarter to 7-luckily he felt the same! oblomov I find that works too!

Morloth · 19/05/2010 13:19

ATM DH knows that if he isn't in bed by 10pm then there is no chance cause waking me up would be the last thing he ever did.

OTH quickies are all I am interested in right now, just cannot be arsed really.

Oblomov · 19/05/2010 13:18

I sometimes feel a little bit like OP. but find it helps if i give dh a bj whilst he's watching football. the man thinks life can't get any better. helps all round. worked last night

EricNorthmansmistress · 19/05/2010 13:18

YANBU
it's pretty sad that he doesn't make the effort My DH has been known to come to bed with me then get up again later to go back to TV/looking up cars on the internet/whatever he does until 1am because he knows that if he wakes me up I will be like a bear with a sore head and not be in the mood.
It's also sad that he was pissed off with you. What's that about? No partner has the right to be pissed off because their partner doesn't feel like sex at any given time. Of course if he was always making an effort and you always turned him down it might be different but he knows full well what you need to get in the mood and can't be arsed to do it. He sounds lovely

Kathyjelly · 19/05/2010 13:05

YANBU. I'd stick a notice above the bed saying "If you want sex, you need to make me feel nice. Try smiling or giving me a hug."

Or you could get rid of the telly.

You've just reminded me of my ex. We went on holiday to a very hot humid country. I used to swim early in the morning. One day at 9am he got arsey and insisted that he wasn't getting up until I'd gone back to bed. Seven hours later when I got back from the beach.....

gtamom · 19/05/2010 13:03

YANU!

Original poster
Irishchic · 19/05/2010 12:42

I would quite happily do it on the sofa if my husband actually noticed I was there, but I cannot compete with Match of the Day or any other tv programme for that matter.

So after a long time of coming in behind a long list of other diversions I am not inclined to suggest to my dh that he have his way with me on the kitchen counter!

I am not a sex robot FFS!

OP posts:
mumblechum · 19/05/2010 12:42

God if we had to wait till we were both in bed at night we'd never have conceived. There are 24 hours in the day, presumably more than one room in the house.....

ILovePlayingDarts · 19/05/2010 12:40

So, following up my first post, I am prepared to say YABU!

When you disappear up to bed, do you give your DH any invitation? Not necessarily verbally, but any other come-on for sex?

If you're simply going up to bed, for some men that can give them the feeling that they are being ignored, and most definitely not the idea that their beloved is up for sex.

And why don't you simply initiate sex before going up? Have a change, do it in the living room. I guarantee that if you made advances on your DH, he wouldn't keep his interest on the tv for long.

recent research shows that many women tend not to want sex UNTIL they actually begin to get amorous with their partners. So they may not be up for sex, but go along with the idea and hey, it turns out they've enjoyed themselves too.

So yes, I have done the 7am thing before now (but not on MY working days, as I'm the early bird, and actually leave the house around 7am...

Downdog · 19/05/2010 12:40

I hear ya - on all your points!!!

OH also generally stays up later than me watching Sky Sports or something equally riviting & then will come to bed looking for some loving & I'm long asleep. On a week night especially! I mean, I do like sex, but not that keen to be woken at 1am for it. He just doesn't get it that things will flow much better (and our sex life would improve) if he comes to bed with me.

Also if we have had a row OH can give me childish silent treatment for days and then a week later or whatever, wants make up sex. But at that point I am feeling entirely disconnected from him emotionally & whilst I may be happy to be friends again, I can't just switch back to being close with him and am certainly not ready to jump him. Have tried to explain time & time again, that his sulky pissy way of dealing with stuff takes a huge emotional toll on me and on our relationship - it just doesn't go in.