To not want to take ds to the in-laws coz mil smokes

Don't grin and bear it - YANBU You are Not being precious.

It is your choice whether you wish to expose your baby.

Your MIL needs to make a choice - a cig or a hug from her grandchild.

Babies and Children are particularly at risk of passive smoking because they are smaller than adults and also breathe more quickly.

Here is a list of serious conditions that you would be putting your baby at an increased risk for:

cancer
asthma
coughing and wheezing
middle ear infections
pneumonia
meningitis

Breathing in second-hand smoke or smoking in the same room as a baby can increase the risk of cot death.

Oh and don't forget that the pollutants will still be on smokers clothing and smokers hair, in the next room and so on.

Good Luck!

Asthmatic person here so very biased. People who are often around smokers/smoke themselves forget about how toxic cigarette fumes are. But let me put it this way; My next door neighbour smokes, Every morning about they light a cigg as soon as tey get up. And I know straight away they're smoking because my chest tightens up immediately, and i can smell the fumes. This is when they are smoking in their house (our walls are thin) My previous neighbour smoked in the house all the time, and her son developed severe asthma. Those toxins are nasty, and I for one would demand that your MIL not smoke at all around my new baby.

YANBU!

YANBU.
Smoking is disgusting and people who do it around children are awful.
My mil used to smoke, but she stopped before dc arrived, both dh and I had already said in no uncertain terms that we would not be visiting her if she insisted on smoking while we were there and if the room we would be sitting in smelt of smoke and that she wouldn't be holding the dc if she smelt of smoke. i don't see this as being unreasonable, my dc's are much more precious than hurting peoples feeling.
I don't want to take my dc's out and bring them home again stinking.
Or exposing them to something that bring on asmatha or give them lung cancer.
It's fine for your mil to want to kill herself but she shouldn't be trying to kill of everyone else too!

I detest smoking but I think that yabu.

Perfectly ok to tell someone not to smoke in your house even if you don't have a baby as it's your house etc...

But I do think it's precious, and I think these types of threads are too prevalent "ibu to not take my child to x house because y smokes/ibu to not allow my child to go to z's house because they have a dog?" and on and on.

Fact is, if you have a car you are exposing your children to far greater amounts of toxins than if you smoke. If you have a buggy you are exposing them to far greater amounts of toxins than if you smoke, as you walk down the street where the exhaust fumes are literally at their height.

You're not going to see your mil every day are you? Maybe occasionally, and she's smoking a few rooms away. And yes, it stinks, would be the first to acknowledge that, but your pfb isn't going to die because she's been in contact with someone who happened to have had a cigarette.

I quit smoking almost a year ago and im actually almost embarrassed about how much I hate it now! When I did smoke I would of scoffed at me.
It lingers. It stinks.

My dad has been a 40 a day smoker all my life and he quit 4 months ago, he still desperately wants one bless him and while there has been a noticable improvement on the smell in their house. You can still tell, for example, I wrapped DS in a little blanket to come home in the other day because he had wet himself and didnt have any spare trousers. It wasnt until I got the blanket home did I notice the faint cigarette smell. This was a blanket that had been clean, in the cupboard after 4 months of no smoking in the house and even then he only smoked in the kitchen!! So yup, the smell gets around!

Wow, I love reading the way people get so defensive over smoking. There is no justification for the habit--it doesnt give the smoker anything or do anything good for the smoker, it only harms the smoker and those around you.

I dont go to my Fils very often, both him and his wife smoke in the conservatory. They dont seem to notice that they trail in the vile smell with them as if they'd smoked in the room with us. I dont let them hold DD after smoking, but its not that I say no to requests, because they dont ask. I just keep DD with me or DH at those times. Call me precious, I dont care. My mum was one of those mythological people for whom smoking nearly killed her and has shortened her life dramatically and I will never be able to see it as anything other than a disgusting, smelly, dangerous habit.

YANBU, this is your child and what you say goes. I would like to point out that the links between passive smoking and any illness are at best tenous, try looking up some of the studies! In fact I think you'll find using aerosol sprays like deodrant have more evidence against them. Just think of all the times peeps have smoked then sprayed.

Having said that it does stink and if you don't like it you need to say something even if it is their house...ask them to come to yours and smoke outside...it's winter so they should be wearing a coat while smoking so shouldn't need to change tops either.

when we were discharged with prem dd we were told the same advice as others, but also to clean teeth as well. we were told that they breathe out carbon monoxide and toxins for an hour afterwards.

i think if you do smoke you can't really get your head round the rancidness of the smell of someone who's freshly had a cigarette, and that absolutely does transfer to a baby. (i know becasue in an effort not to be precious i let someone play with my wee baby shortly after a fag, i was horrified at the smell tbh and had to change her and wash her hair).

i smoked for yonks, i wouldn't have done if i'd known how unimaginably disgusting i smelled. in fact what made me stop was the pong of the smoking room at work, it was the only place where i 'got' the real vileness of it, and the fact that it went from freshly painted white to bright yellow in three months.

Well dd1 has asthma, so breathing in any cigarette smoke can make her wheezy, so I would say yanbu.

I believe that after a cigarette, smokers breathe out toxins for half an hour afterwards. So even if they smoke outside, it still has an effect.

I went to the house of a smoking friend who only ever smoke outside, and her house still stank of smoke, it clings to your clothes and hair, in a way that pet/cooking smells just don't.

I realise that we are surrounded by chemicals and toxins, but short of living in a bubble you can't get away from those. But you can ask someone not to smoke.

yanbu ,no one is allowed to smoke round my ds2 and def not in the house ,if any friends or fam come to see me i make them smoke outside .

Well, if you don´t go there that often, I would not fret about it too much, just grin and bear it.

Unless the baby has a bronchial infection, being exposed to a bit of smoke for a few days in the year won´t do any harm, I´m sure.

I understand you don´t like it, but do you think you could overlook it for a day or so?

My FIL smokes a lot, also only in the kkitchen when we are there. I have had to vercome my own overprotectiveness and get used to it, after all, grandparents are very important to the child!

I wouldn't go to anyone's house if they smoked. Their house stinks and so do they.
My mother smoked, and it made me feel sick as a child to smell smoke.

And who wants their baby smelling of smoke?

YANBU

As an ex smoker who lives with a smoker I know that smokers do not realise one bit how much they stink. You might need to give her a leaflet from the health visitor about babies and smoking. though as she is a smoker she probably thinks it's all exxagerated and scaremongering.

I made dh stop smoking in the house when we started TTC.
As santakinky said, now he goes to smoke outside, comes back, washes his hand, changes his top, and sometimes I make him go brush his teeth as his breath is still reeking.
I do not think this is being precious.
a friend of mine has smoked throughout her pregnancy, still smokes in the house now and all three of her children have asthma.
I am quite shocked that some people are saying it's not a big deal. It might not be a big deal to them but the fact is passive smoking causes cancer.

and smokes travels, it does not matter that they're in a different room.

How times have changed - I remember my DSF leaning over the crib in which reposed my precious new DD, fag in mouth, clouds of smoke trailing, trembly nicotined finger reaching out to stroke that tiny rosy cheek. My mother hissed at him 'Not right over the baby, Alan!' and he muttered an abashed apology and slunk off - to a chair nearby.

The other grandad smoked too and he lived with us - in fact he owned half the house - I'd have got short shrift had I tried to prevent him smoking in his part of it! Both my (now grown-up) DDs are fine - I am asthmatic, they are not, despite this dreadful upbringing, and have fine healthy big bellowy lungs.

I'm not saying around small babies is Good or Right - clearly it isn't - we Know Better nowadays and rightly protect them from breathing in the clouds of smoke previous generations had to grow up choking their way through. Just that I wouldn't worry too much about the odd bit of smoke drifting in on MIL's clothes.

Smoke outside, wash hands and change of top. She should be fine with doing this.

'exposing a tiny baby to anything mildly unpleasant'

But she's not talking about listening to James Blunt or naff TV.
Passive inhaling of cigarette smoke by an infant is a bit more than mildly unpleasant.

'occaisonal exposure to it from a couple of rooms away is not that big a deal,'

It is a huge deal to people like me who don't smoke. YANBU -it is antisocial and if they want contact with DCs it is up to them to make the effects minimal.

My dad is a heavy smoker. When he comes to ours he smokes outside, washes his hands when he comes back in and doesn't hold our baby for a while after smoking. I don't like his smoking but our children are very rarely exposed to smoke - neither of them have ever been in a room where people were smoking, for example - so I don't worry too much about the occasional bit of indirect exposure. When my dad takes them for a walk to the park he will often have a fag while walking alongside my older child, which I absolutely hate...but he's my dad, he's a great grandad, we love him and unfortunately he's a heavy smoker...I just deal with it, really.

I broadly agree with SGB, while acknowledging that other posters are clearly quite right to point out that smoking is both smelly and unhealthy in a way that feels incompatible and wrong with a tiny baby about. But family relationships of the adoring kind should usually trump the understandable urge to avoid exposing a tiny baby to anything mildly unpleasant, IMO. Would a compromise be to ask mil to shut the kitchen door? She must be somewhat aware of not smoking around the baby if she's leaving the room so perhaps she wouldn't mind?

My DD was also premature and low birth weight. My MIL smokes and we were given the same advice:

1. She could not smoke within an hour of seeing DD

1. She had to change any clothes she had been smoking in

1. Absolutely NO SMOKING at the house. Even no going outside for a cigarette.

She was more offended that we thought she'd mind than that we'd implemented these rules - and my MIL isn't always the most measured and reasonable of people . 3 1/2 yrs on and she has given up smoking altogether, purely because the rules made her realise just how dirty smoking made her feel! Don't necessarily think that PIL should be expected to give up, but your baby, your rules.

YANBU but you do need to try and talk to your MIL about it, try to say it's the smoke in the house, invite her round to yours and have an only smoking outside policy?

I have to bite with my tongue with my MIL. She thinks I'm really precious but she will go outside to smoke. She used to wash her hands before holding my babies and I gave up thinking about the smoke on her chest as she cuddled them.

I guess I couldn't face the row, I live in a big city so the pollution is probably worse on a day to day basis and I wanted my children to have a relationship with her. When the babies were small we only saw her every few months so not much passive smoking in the scheme of things.

no I think yanbu if she's smoking in the same room/blowing smoke on the baby/refuses to compromise.

As you don't visit all that much it's not that much to ask for her to keep her smoking outside and change her top (at least) before cuddling the baby.

It's true you can't protect your baby from everything but that is one you can do something about.

No, I did the same with my dad. Smoke outside or no baby.
Then it wasn't me depriving him of a precious relationship with his first grandchildren, it was his choice.
Some may prefer a fag to a relationship, he chose the grandchild.