Holiday acquaintance: is this a fair message?

SpamelaHamderson · 2026-10-23T22:24:02+00:00

I’ve just come back off holiday. By coincidence, an old friend, Beth, was in the same resort at the same time. We’re not close - I haven’t seen her in person for about ten years - but we keep in touch on Facebook. So it seemed natural to meet up with her and her friend Jo while I was there. Now, Beth is also friends with Mel, an ex-friend of mine. Mel and I were once very close, but we had a spectacular and permanent falling out. The only time Beth has referenced this is when she passed on a happy birthday message. I said I was sorry she’d been dragged into it and told her she shouldn’t feel she had to pass on messages. That was that. Anyway, when I had a drink with Beth and Jo, Beth asked if there was any chance of me and Mel making things up. I said absolutely not; too much has happened and the friendship is beyond repair. I thought I was probably going to have to give Jo a basic explanation, but before I could, she said, “Oh, you’re THAT Spamela! Oh yes, Mel’s been really upset about your falling out. She’d love to make it up.” I felt awkward, as I would have chanced changed the subject earlier had I known Jo knew her too. I reiterated that it was over. Jo started the whole “Oh, I’m sure you could sort it out; she just wants a chance to ^explain^” routine. I shut it down and changed the subject, and made my excuses not long afterwards. Anyway, it seems Jo has found me on social media and has been speaking to Mel, as Jo has messaged me saying Mel would really love the chance to explain, it all got out of hand etc., and couldn’t I just have one conversation with her? I was pretty annoyed, TBH. I have no idea why Jo would insert herself in this situation. Part of me wants to simply ignore the message, but I don’t want to give her an excuse to try again. What do you think of this response? Does it toe the right line between friendly and firm? “Hi Jo - I hope you enjoyed your holiday. You are kind to be concerned about your friend, but as I said on holiday, there is no going back for me and Mel and I don’t want to discuss it any further. Take care.”

BoredZelda · Today 01:34

Seems an awful lot of headspace for the bunch of names you barely are in contact with. Such a drama.

godmum56 · Today 00:44

SpamelaHamderson · Yesterday 20:09

Fair enough. I suppose if she was a mutual friend getting both sides, I can see why she might feel the need to do that. But she barely knows me and it all happened years ago. It seems very odd to me that someone I’ll probably never see again feels she should be the peacemaker here.

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Its the Be Kind club. She is working on her Stickybeak badge

godmum56 · Today 00:43

Chilihealer · Yesterday 19:44

Oh fuck off jo what’s it got to do with you anyway. But I’m a bit of a cunt and big fan of telling people to fuck off in general.

I find it saves a lot of time

Original poster

SpamelaHamderson · Yesterday 23:27

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · Yesterday 23:10

I was wondering if Mel had told her about it, but implied that it was over something so small that she couldn't understand why it happened.... she met you on holiday and thought you were so nice that it must all just be a big mis -understanding and so she thought you only needed a little nudge for you both to bury the hatchet.

Mel probably wouldn't acknowledge or admit her part and minimalised it. So the friend doesn't realise.
its still a cheek to interfere tho.

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I think this isn’t far off!

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Mammalamb · Yesterday 23:15

EvieBB · Yesterday 16:57

That says a lot about you though Bubba. You're projecting. I personally would only be getting involved for good intentions i.e. trying to salvage a relationship if possible. If that's not possible then I wouldn't pursue it but I would at least try to resolve things for both girls.

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You need to learn to butt out of other peoples business then. I suspect that you are a drama loving busybody

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · Yesterday 23:10

SpamelaHamderson · Yesterday 20:09

Fair enough. I suppose if she was a mutual friend getting both sides, I can see why she might feel the need to do that. But she barely knows me and it all happened years ago. It seems very odd to me that someone I’ll probably never see again feels she should be the peacemaker here.

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I was wondering if Mel had told her about it, but implied that it was over something so small that she couldn't understand why it happened.... she met you on holiday and thought you were so nice that it must all just be a big mis -understanding and so she thought you only needed a little nudge for you both to bury the hatchet.

Mel probably wouldn't acknowledge or admit her part and minimalised it. So the friend doesn't realise.
its still a cheek to interfere tho.

EvieBB · Yesterday 22:55

SpamelaHamderson · Yesterday 20:09

Fair enough. I suppose if she was a mutual friend getting both sides, I can see why she might feel the need to do that. But she barely knows me and it all happened years ago. It seems very odd to me that someone I’ll probably never see again feels she should be the peacemaker here.

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Yeah I guess that would feel odd in that case. If you were mutual friends it would make sense to want to 'get the group back together' so to speak for old times sake but it sounds like that's not the case. Yep. Odd. Has she replied?

Original poster

SpamelaHamderson · Yesterday 20:09

EvieBB · Yesterday 17:27

I mean I don't really know for sure what I'd unless I was confronted with that situation in real life. Like you say it's all hypothetical but knowing that I like to be a peacemaker I tend to think I'd like to at least try to smooth things over....but if you said there's no going back as soon as you broached the subject then I would absolutely respect that and not push it further. My post was really to Bubba in that I felt she was projecting on the reasons why your friend was getting involved

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Fair enough. I suppose if she was a mutual friend getting both sides, I can see why she might feel the need to do that. But she barely knows me and it all happened years ago. It seems very odd to me that someone I’ll probably never see again feels she should be the peacemaker here.

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Chilihealer · Yesterday 19:44

Oh fuck off jo what’s it got to do with you anyway. But I’m a bit of a cunt and big fan of telling people to fuck off in general.

Bubbaliciousss · Yesterday 19:36

EvieBB · Yesterday 16:57

That says a lot about you though Bubba. You're projecting. I personally would only be getting involved for good intentions i.e. trying to salvage a relationship if possible. If that's not possible then I wouldn't pursue it but I would at least try to resolve things for both girls.

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It really doesn't say a lot about me Evie, it says a lot about the people I've met who behave like this Jo woman is behaving. On the contrary in fact, I think it says a lot about you that you would even consider it acceptable to stick your nose in to someones highly personal business when 1. they've shut the conversation down previously when it was brought up and 2. you barely even know one of the parties. That kind of behaviour/meddling is unfathomable to me. Why, under any circumstances, would this level of overstepping ever be ok?

EvieBB · Yesterday 17:27

SpamelaHamderson · Yesterday 17:21

@EvieBB I know this is largely hypothetical, but if you were to get involved with something like this, even from the viewpoint of trying to help - wouldn’t you consider that a) you’d only heard your friend’s side and b) the other person had already said there was no going back?

I'm just trying to understand what a positive motivation would be.

I mean I don't really know for sure what I'd unless I was confronted with that situation in real life. Like you say it's all hypothetical but knowing that I like to be a peacemaker I tend to think I'd like to at least try to smooth things over....but if you said there's no going back as soon as you broached the subject then I would absolutely respect that and not push it further. My post was really to Bubba in that I felt she was projecting on the reasons why your friend was getting involved

Original poster

SpamelaHamderson · Yesterday 17:21

@EvieBB I know this is largely hypothetical, but if you were to get involved with something like this, even from the viewpoint of trying to help - wouldn’t you consider that a) you’d only heard your friend’s side and b) the other person had already said there was no going back?

I'm just trying to understand what a positive motivation would be.

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EvieBB · Yesterday 16:57

Bubbaliciousss · Yesterday 12:06

I've never met her but why would you go sticking your beak into something that has absolutely nothing to do with you. Ime people who get themselves overinvolved with things are just trying to get a bit of the drama for themselves.

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That says a lot about you though Bubba. You're projecting. I personally would only be getting involved for good intentions i.e. trying to salvage a relationship if possible. If that's not possible then I wouldn't pursue it but I would at least try to resolve things for both girls.

Original poster

SpamelaHamderson · Yesterday 12:09

This is exactly what I’m thinking, @CleverlyBeery. Ignoring it could have meant another message a week later asking had I seen it, what do I think, do you want me to speak to Mel first and so on… I don’t want any of that. I want to shut it down.

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CleverlyBeery · Yesterday 12:06

pictoosh · Yesterday 11:29

When we remain firm, polite and detached, we remove the opportunity to be misrepresented or manipulated.

Exactly. Blocking gives ammunition for 'I simply asked her a simple question, trying to be helpful, and she went crazy and BLOCKED me!'

Ignoring the message presents the possibility (to the insistent person) that OP just hasn't read the message yet or is thinking hard to consider whether to re-open contact with Mel - or is being "rude" or "passive-aggressive".

A dull, simple, polite, clear message works perfectly.

Bubbaliciousss · Yesterday 12:06

pictoosh · Yesterday 11:23

To be fair, you've never met her so this is just your imagination at play.

Personally I'd advise against being confrontational.

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I've never met her but why would you go sticking your beak into something that has absolutely nothing to do with you. Ime people who get themselves overinvolved with things are just trying to get a bit of the drama for themselves.

pictoosh · Yesterday 11:29

When we remain firm, polite and detached, we remove the opportunity to be misrepresented or manipulated.

pictoosh · Yesterday 11:23

Bubbaliciousss · Yesterday 10:37

She's not trying to help, she's trying to play big woman and insert her nose where it has no business being. She needs to know that such interference is utterly inapropriate.

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To be fair, you've never met her so this is just your imagination at play.

Personally I'd advise against being confrontational.

Original poster

SpamelaHamderson · Yesterday 11:22

Bubbaliciousss · Yesterday 10:37

She's not trying to help, she's trying to play big woman and insert her nose where it has no business being. She needs to know that such interference is utterly inapropriate.

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Knowing Mel as I do, she will have told Jo that I dropped her over X incident and that she’s really sorry and just wants a chance to make up for it. What she won’t tell her was that X was just the last straw following a long pattern of unacceptable behaviour.

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Nottodaybob · Yesterday 11:12

I had a similar situation, I just ignored to be honest. But I like your response.

EvieBB · Yesterday 10:49

Bubbaliciousss · Yesterday 10:37

She's not trying to help, she's trying to play big woman and insert her nose where it has no business being. She needs to know that such interference is utterly inapropriate.

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That's not how I read it but then again I haven't read the full thread so you might be right 🤷🏻‍♀️

Bubbaliciousss · Yesterday 10:37

EvieBB · Yesterday 07:22

I think that's causing unnecessary drama.
Shes just trying to help.
I'd take OPs route and only then ignore or point out her interference if she continues

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She's not trying to help, she's trying to play big woman and insert her nose where it has no business being. She needs to know that such interference is utterly inapropriate.

Sadie516 · Yesterday 10:29

AmnesiacDream · 24/10/2026 18:04

That seems pointless and a complete waste of OP’s time.

Gives Mel ammunition for more whining about how she really wants to be friends but OP just misunderstood her.

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You can just scroll past you know?! The irony of commenting on a post about someone poking their nose into others business!!

DiscoCherries · Yesterday 10:19

Your message is fine OP. I’ve been in a really similar situation where there was absolutely no return with a now ex-friend and she started asking other friends to basically tell me on her behalf how sorry she was etc. I just knew it was a line crossed I could never go back to and I said similar to you, I was never rude (as you haven’t been!) but just, there is no reconciling here. It’s all blown over I’ve heard nothing in a year or so now!

Original poster

SpamelaHamderson · Yesterday 10:15

Well, I sent the original message this morning. Let’s see what happens…

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