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Original poster

Regretting letting MIL move in, feel mentally unwell over it. AIBU to ask what to do?

344 replies

Aristocack · 23/10/2026 20:18

I made a thread a couple of weeks ago about the struggles I have been experiencing since having my baby. The struggles have been with my partner and his family. He had various family members from his home country visit for 10 days when my baby was 2 weeks old and I found it incredibly difficult and ended up having to see the peri-natal mental health team.

I had issues with my partner critiquing my parenting in front of his family members. I also was bleeding, recovering from birth and trying to establish breastfeeding and had other people in my house, hovering, grabbing baby off me etc. It was hell. They finally left after 10 days and I felt better (though I've still been dealing with post-natal OCD symptoms and severe anxiety/intrusive thoughts but I've been working with the peri-natal team). I had strong words with my partner about how he had made me feel and he has been much better and much more supportive.

Unfortunately things have gone to shit again. A few months ago back when I was still pregnant, DP's mum (I'll just refer to her as MIL as it's easier) who was living abroad with her partner revealed to my partner (over the phone) that her boyfriend had become emotionally abusive. Me and my partner spoke about it and we agreed that he could tell her that she could come and live with us if things got too bad. She said she'd think about it. I felt sorry for her.

In the past few days she has taken us up on the offer and has flown over and moved in. My partner isn't from the UK originally and his mum does not speak English and I don't speak their language. I was kept updated on the arrangements of her moving here but I haven't directly spoken to her in detail due to the language barrier.

She arrived on the 20th October. By all intents and purposes it seems like it's going to be a permanent move. I'm so regretting saying that she can come. She's in her 60s with a health issue and unlikely to ever work or move out.

I can't natter with her as we don't speak the same language. She keeps grabbing 5 week old DS off me. I can't breastfeed downstairs as I'm uncomfortable with her seeing my breasts. She has taken my spot on the sofa in between where DP sits and DS's moses basket and she will sit and rock the basket when DS cries meanwhile I am on the small sofa where I can't even lie down. She keeps rearranging the kitchen. She comes from a culture that is taboo about mental health and she is always in the living room so I've had to ask my mental health support team to let me come to their office for appointments as I'm uncomfortable them coming to my home - I had to travel to a psychological appointment (that would usually be a home visit) in the storm today with DS on the bus. She stays up until midnight most nights.

I won't go as far as saying I want to kill myself but I feel like I've ruined my motherhood and family life and our new home which we just purchased a few months ago. I hate myself, I should never have offered for her to live with us.

I'm feeling extremely vulnerable as it is with the post-natal OCD. My main comfort and way of distracting myself from the OCD thoughts was by getting myself cosy on our sofa, cuddling/feeding DS, getting a bit blanket over me and having cuddles and chats with DP whilst watching a comfort show. That has gone now, it's been taken away. Even watching TV we have to watch it dubbed in their language with English subtitles as she doesn't speak English and her eyesight is too bad for her to have the subtitles.

Despite exclusively breastfeeding my period has also returned at 5 weeks PP and I am bleeding incredibly heavily. I am essentially living in adult nappies and in terrible pain (I have endometriosis). I keep flooding my pads and through my clothes and I was in A&E yesterday where they had to give me a prescription to slow the flow of blood. Im so physically uncomfortable and I can't even lie down and relax on my sofa and I feel trapped upstairs in the bedroom as I keep leaking blood

I don't know what to do. I have ruined my life. I don't know how I can get rid of MIL now and I feel like a terrible person for even wanting to. Life barely feels worth living. I need to get all of this off my chest and DP is sat downstairs chatting to his mum so I can't talk to him. I genuinely feel lost and like I'm in hell and like there's no way out.

My mum is supportive over text/over the phone but she is a full time carer to my autistic sibling and I can't go and stay with her/live with her due to my autistic sibling having severe mental health issues.

I feel so lonely

OP posts:
fuchsteufelswild · 24/10/2026 01:27

Sorry for asking OP but does DP's family know about your ND brother? You said mental health is a bit of a taboo topic. Maybe they have somehow convinced themselves in their ignorance that whatever they conceptualize as mental health problems runs in your family and they need to keep an eye on you?

In which case it's even more urgent for you to get out of there even for a week.

Redpaisley · 24/10/2026 01:24

DrumsPleaseFab · 23/10/2026 21:35

Goodness OP poor you!

You need to address with your husband that it is not working out

he should have your back! if not and if he cares more about his mum and wants her to live with him forever…. They can just live together

i am just racking my brain which country they could be from (having lived in many different places myself) but never experienced this lack of respect for mothers of newborns anywhere…

she will have to go back to her home country and sort her own life out

or else you will have to leave. Hope you find the strength. Good luck, be very kind to yourself.

Edited

France?

PotentialPartTimer · 24/10/2026 00:51

You are allowed to change your mind now that you have discovered MIL living with you makes you miserable. Your little one needs you mentally well. Maternal mental health is really important for a child so prioritising your wellbeing is not selfish it is being a responsible parent. Speak to DP, either MIL goes or you go and start proceedings to force a sale. Your DP has badly let you down at your most vulnerable stages and I would seriously reconsider the relationship. Sorry you are going through all this, you deserve to have been put first.

Original poster
Aristocack · 24/10/2026 00:48

I've been super identifying on both of my threads so I'm sure if anyone knows me then they'll have figured out it's me posting but I'm beyond caring. I do rke into account everyone's replies and listen. I'm very grateful for MN as I have been lonely and don't have close friends anymore. I'm going to try to rest now as looking at my phone is giving me a headache. Thank you for all the advice, I will take it on board

OP posts:
Original poster
Aristocack · 24/10/2026 00:45

XelaM · 24/10/2026 00:35

Take your baby and move out to a hotel for now and then tell your partner you're not coming back unless his mum leaves.

I keep fantasising about booking a cosy cottage somewhere and going for a few days of peace and cuddles with DS. Just hunkering down and ordering takeaways and watching what I want on telly and having lots of lovely contact naps with DS and not having to move rooms to feed him. I won't actually do it as I need more permanent solutions but god I don't half want to. Me and DS have a hotel stay booked at the end of this month - nothing special, just a Travelodge (I'm going to a concert with my mum for her birthday in my home city and I've booked the Travelodge on the night, and my aunt will be babysitting DS at the hotel whilst we are at the concert).

I'm looking forward to that hotel stay so much and having the night there just DS and me. How pathetic that my life has come to this? The thought of a night in a Travelodge is literally what is keeping me going at the moment, it's tragic and I'll probably be devastated once it's done and I can no longer look forward to it

OP posts:
XelaM · 24/10/2026 00:35

Take your baby and move out to a hotel for now and then tell your partner you're not coming back unless his mum leaves.

Original poster
Aristocack · 24/10/2026 00:30

MIL has also brought a horrid cold with her (she must've picked it up on the plane) and I know that is just one of those things and not her fault but that has been stressing me the fuck out as well. Her toothbrush was touching mine before in the toothbrush holder and she's been leaving her used handkerchief on the coffee table. I am certain I'm getting ill too. I know these are little things but they all are interfering with my peace. DP brings colds home all the time but it just feels less gross when it's your partner who is ill as you are so intimate with them anyway. When it's someone else ill in your home it feels much more yucky. Even the sound of her blowing her nose has been stressing/irritating me. I know I'm sounding unreasonable here as she has to be allowed to live her life and be comfortable but I just wish I'd thought it through more before offering. I can't get my head around the fact that this is a permanent move, there's no "buggering off" date I can look forward to. The thought makes me feel ill.

Home should be my safe cosy space and it just isn't.

OP posts:
Beccahm · 24/10/2026 00:29

Aristocack · 24/10/2026 00:22

Thank you for your kind reply.

We've not sorted DS's passport yet. Our original plan (back when I was in the early stages of pregnancy and very happy) was for him to have a UK passport plus the passport of DP's country so that he could gets the benefits of having an EU passport. I'm not keen on that idea anymore and I want him to just have the UK one. I honestly don't think there's some elaborate plans to abduct DS, I really don't think that. But I do want to prevent making things more difficult for myself if we do end up splitting

Edited
Show quote history

Agree, I wouldn't even get a passport for baby at the moment but I would ensure you keep all documentation very secret and safe.

Is your mum's not an option at all? Any close friends? I would speak with DP saying you've changed your mind about his mum being there and that you need her to leave. Be careful how you talk about your mental health. From your previous thread, I feel like giving him any grounds for calling you unwell / unfit is not a good idea. You are not being stupid or weak. You are having a very natural, understandable response to your situation. Don't let the voice in your head or him tell you otherwise. Most of us would feel like you under these circumstances. Please know that. If these people living in your house cannot grasp how you're feeling intuitively let alone after being told then these are not your people.

So talk with him if he doesn't get it at all, you need to work out how to not be together and I think in these circumstances for safety that means you quietly leaving for a bit x

ThatLemonBee · 24/10/2026 00:25

Your partner doesn’t love you , just leave ! Everyone told you to leave , because we can all see how bad he is for you and your child .

CombatBarbie · 24/10/2026 00:25

I wouldnt worry about the mortgage, my ex hasn't paid his share in over 2 yrs but still wants 50% of the equity..... banks are not interested in you both paying half, they just want it paid.

Original poster
Aristocack · 24/10/2026 00:22

Beccahm · 24/10/2026 00:09

I recall your previous thread OP. I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

You really need to take heed of some of this advice. He is not protecting you and it sounds like you don't have the type of relationship where you can communicate your needs and have them listened to. Your grief at the loss of these early months with your baby is valid and the reason is his lack of attention and care and his family's selfishness.

How realistic is leaving him? I would leave and I would be very very careful. Something about your posts give my spider senses a twitch - I feel like you need to hide your and the baby's passport and documents and you need to plan an exit route quietly. I had that feeling in your last thread and I have it now.

Please protect your full self and your baby. Something tells me this man is either willfully ignorant or willfully selfish and either one of those damages you xx

Edited

Thank you for your kind reply.

We've not sorted DS's passport yet. Our original plan (back when I was in the early stages of pregnancy and very happy) was for him to have a UK passport plus the passport of DP's country so that he could gets the benefits of having an EU passport. I'm not keen on that idea anymore and I want him to just have the UK one. I honestly don't think there's some elaborate plans to abduct DS, I really don't think that. But I do want to prevent making things more difficult for myself if we do end up splitting

OP posts:
Francestein · 24/10/2026 00:21

I remember your last post. I am going to say the same thing now. Call all of the advice lines. Get help to get the fuck out of there.

Original poster
Aristocack · 24/10/2026 00:19

I don't mind her holding my baby really but I despise when she grabs him off me. I was cuddling him before and got a phone call and I had the phone in one hand and DS in the other. She came over and grabbed him off me, I think she was trying to help so that I could focus on my call but it enraged me as he'd been asleep in his basket for 4 hours prior to that (with her in the next to him on the sofa...) and I had been missing him and had been excited for cuddles and feeding when he woke up. I actually held on to him and didn't let her take him and I must've subconsciously pulled a face as she backed off.

DP's sister would do the same sort of stuff when she stayed her when DS was 2 weeks old. I'd be rocking him struggling to settle him and she'd come and take him off me to "help".

OP posts:
Original poster
Aristocack · 24/10/2026 00:12

Opulentpear · 24/10/2026 00:08

How long was she out of the UK because I think in most cases with indefinite leave to remain you're only allowed to leave the UK for under two years.

Show quote history

Sorry - I meant she has settled status not Indefinite Leave to Remain. The settled status was due to expire early next year so she's made it back in the nick of time

OP posts:
Original poster
Aristocack · 24/10/2026 00:11

Todayismyfavouriteday · 23/10/2026 23:15

You are in deep, deep trouble. After posting about the horrible situation you lived in when your in-laws were visiting, you invite your MIL to live with you? I think you have serious issues that you need to work out. To start, sit down with your husband and tell him you have realised you cannot live with your MIL, and he must organise other arrangements. Get ready to deal with his opposition, your MIL's hate, etc. You've brought this upon yourself; you need to get yourself out of it.

I agree that I've got myself into this situation but I wanted to clarify the timeline somewhat.

I was early in my pregnancy and feeling mentally on top of the world (before my OCD symptoms and anxiety started and I was doing really well in life and just accepted a high-flying promotion at work) and in a great relationship with DP when MIL disclosed that her partner was becoming emotionally and financially abusive. Me and DP discussed it. I felt terribly sorry for her and at the time I thought we should allow her to live with us and rebuild her life and I also thought it would benefit the baby. DP spoke to her and offered, and she said she'd let us know. It all seemed to fizzle then and we presumed she didn't want to come so the idea sort of got forgotten about. A week ago she contacted us to say the abusive behaviour of her partner was escalating and she asked whether the offer was still on the table. I didn't feel I could rescind the offer given what she was going through and partner was really worried for his mum so we booked her the flight. Id never mentioned it in my last thread because it wasn't relevant then.

If I had known back when I was pregnant how anxious and unwell I would feel post-partum, I would never have offered. It was my idea just as much as DP's. As concerning as some of DP's behaviour has been, thks mess with MIL has been equally my doing.

She won't stand a cat in hell's chance of getting a council flat as we have a 3 bed house. Partner thinks she can do childcare when I go back to work eventually but I've gone right off that idea as I don't like the thought that DS will spend more time with granny than me and she'll be the most present adult in his life. I'd rather I go part-time and he go to a nursery when I'm working.

I feel like I've lost control of it all. I've got a few grand in personal savings and live in the north where rent is reasonable however I am financially on the hook for this mortgage and also am on statutory maternity pay so I don't see how I could get a flat until I return to work. Mum does have a spare room technically and I am welcome there however I am not comfortable there due to my autistic brother currently having severe MH issues of his own.

OP posts:
Beccahm · 24/10/2026 00:09

I recall your previous thread OP. I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

You really need to take heed of some of this advice. He is not protecting you and it sounds like you don't have the type of relationship where you can communicate your needs and have them listened to. Your grief at the loss of these early months with your baby is valid and the reason is his lack of attention and care and his family's selfishness.

How realistic is leaving him? I would leave and I would be very very careful. Something about your posts give my spider senses a twitch - I feel like you need to hide your and the baby's passport and documents and you need to plan an exit route quietly. I had that feeling in your last thread and I have it now.

Please protect your full self and your baby. Something tells me this man is either willfully ignorant or willfully selfish and either one of those damages you xx

Opulentpear · 24/10/2026 00:08

Aristocack · 23/10/2026 20:34

In regards to visa - she had previously lived in the UK for a few years before moving back to the home country and her Indefinite Leave To Remain (this essentially gives her residency) hasn't expired yet so she has been able to move back to the UK now

How long was she out of the UK because I think in most cases with indefinite leave to remain you're only allowed to leave the UK for under two years.

fashionqueen0123 · 24/10/2026 00:04

watchingthishtread · 23/10/2026 23:34

If I'm reading this right, you agreed to the mil moving in and haven't told your partner that it's not working for you. I don't understand why people are saying to leave him when he doesn't know how you feel. At least have a discussion and give him a chance to rectify the situation. Maybe having her there isn't working for him either.

Edited

If you read the OP first post it will become clear. There’s a lot more going on.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 23/10/2026 23:56

Aristocack · 23/10/2026 20:33

Yes. He says he didn't mean it in an accusatory way and that he was simply curious and I misunderstood. We had a huge talk after the younger family members left from their 10 day visit and things bad massively improved. Then this has come up with MIL. Even though we had previously told her she could move in I guess I just didn't expect her to take us up on it, at least not so soon.

Show quote history

Oh that's you?? Jeez that makes the situation a whole lot worse.

You need to have a major conversation with him and start putting up boundaries with his family. And frankly you need to start working on an exit plan because form my experience men like that are every enmeshed with their families and culture and find it very very hard to stand up to their family/mothers for their wife.

If push comes to shove are you able to go it alone if required?

watchingthishtread · 23/10/2026 23:34

If I'm reading this right, you agreed to the mil moving in and haven't told your partner that it's not working for you. I don't understand why people are saying to leave him when he doesn't know how you feel. At least have a discussion and give him a chance to rectify the situation. Maybe having her there isn't working for him either.

Timeforachange26 · 23/10/2026 23:28

cityliving99 · 23/10/2026 20:40

She can’t just move here!
Do not agree to sponsoring her….

She can as she has IDR

CombatBarbie · 23/10/2026 23:25

How will she be supporting herself financially? She surely can't be expecting to live for free?

I have no advice that's not already been said. This will not end well if you don't stand up for yourself (and your baby).

HumbleHun · 23/10/2026 23:25

getupdostuffgotobed · 23/10/2026 23:13

Sorry that your situation has ended up like this. I don’t think she’s going to be leaving in the short term. So….

Communication - your DH needs to know the score and talk to his DM about what is acceptable and what isn’t.
Has she got/can she use a smart phone to translate?

Lounge arrangements. Rearrange the room and stake your claim early on. Sort out what is going to be on the TV. Some of what you want when you want, some of hers.

Sanctuary. Have you the space to make your bedroom/spare room into a more private sitting room. Where you can watch what you want, feed when you want or just chill out by yourself? If not for you then your MIL? Would she use it?

Are there any new mothers’ groups you can go to, just you and your new baby - possibly when you feel better?

Could you encourage her to go out and meet others?

All the best.

No, the mother needs to go and if the man won't stand up to his mother then him as well. Don't encourage her to do anything except move out. She knows exactly what she is doing by sitting between them, fussing the baby constantly and excluding her from conversations. There is pribavly medical term for it but she has the same illness as Norma Bates if you have ever seen Bates Motel or the recent Ed Gein series on Netflix with Charlie hunham

katepilar · 23/10/2026 23:21

Even if you had agreed she can come and stay permanently, you are allowed to change your mind. You are in a very vulnerable stage of life post partum, have health issues.

Your husband needs to tell his mother she needs to fit in and not dominate your house for the time being and that she needs to move out as this isnt working.

I am really sorry you are going through this hell. Sending hugs.

Todayismyfavouriteday · 23/10/2026 23:15

You are in deep, deep trouble. After posting about the horrible situation you lived in when your in-laws were visiting, you invite your MIL to live with you? I think you have serious issues that you need to work out. To start, sit down with your husband and tell him you have realised you cannot live with your MIL, and he must organise other arrangements. Get ready to deal with his opposition, your MIL's hate, etc. You've brought this upon yourself; you need to get yourself out of it.