Regretting letting MIL move in, feel mentally unwell over it. AIBU to ask what to do?

Sorry if I’ve missed this, but is there any reason why you can’t move back in (if at least go and stay) with your parents?

Exactly this OP. This was planned all along.

You keep saying what you want to do so do it. Move out, even if it is a hotel for a few days move so he gets the hint and you get some breathing space.
Ask your HV for help. There are places you can go but you have to act.

I remember your other post and you need to leave him. He won’t change. He doesn’t care about you. My DD’s dad (my ex) was very similar. Ask one of your family members TODAY to pick you and baby up and don’t go back to him. He won’t be entitled to overnights or extended time with the baby away from you as baby is so young. Please don’t stay with him.

God, this truly sounds like a nightmare. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You need to have a serious conversation with your partner about how unhappy you are. You and your baby come first!

I agree your situation sounds like hell and I really feel for you. You do need to speak with your partner about it. He needs to know it cant be a long term situation and he needs to communicate that with MIL and work out a plan. Otherwise she could be with you for another 20 years! Lots of questions to be asked like does she own property in her country or was she renting? Does she have savings?
Does your partner have siblings who she could stay with? I am a bit puzzled by the fact that she has spent time living here previously but cannot speak any English. Surely thats a sign she would prefer to be in her own country? It sounds like your partner is just coasting with it but a serious conversation is needed about long term plans and yes as others have said, he needs to claim your sofa back for you. I so hope things get better for you

You can sort this. You can lovingly tell her, together, with an interpreter arranged by your health visitor, that this will not be a permanent solution. You need your space. Until then, make use of her and get some nice baths and sleep while she babysits. I remember having these strong feelings when mine were newborns. We are protecting our nest.

This will get sorted.x congratulations on your baby x

Especially when she lived in uk before.. i wonder what western eu country tho...

I remember your last post. You were not treated with respect at all. You are being taken advantage of. Are you reliant on your partner emotionally? It sounds like he doesn’t get it at all. And his mother?!
For some reason you don’t really have boundaries. Now is not about your experience of motherhood but of getting your own space. Can you ask social services to help you separate yourself from these losers?

OP you’re in the thick of newborn life at the moment so I wouldn’t even think about big, long term decisions. Focus on a few things that’s can make life better for you at the moment

1. tell your partner he needs to tell his mum not to take the baby off you unprompted. You will let her know as/when you’d like her to take the baby
2. your partner also needs to tell his mum that she must sit on the smaller sofa. You are to have your usual space between him and the Moses basket back.
3. buy yourself a breastfeeding cover so you can feed in front of MIL. Something like this https://www.johnlewis.com/bellamoon-breastfeeding-privacy-cover/waterleaves/p111201891?s_ppc=2dx_mixed_fashion_BAU&tmad=c&tmcampid=2&gclsrc=aw.ds&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=20155423421&gbraid=0AAAAAD2el1xvMpcsgo9uDRpHzp299svGx&gclid=CjwKCAjwi-zWBhAdEiwAqlRf-P1srUf6XOBGOyuUsXdeCH1eFdWS4RpvcMAU0YP8VuzXoNWB5ww9zBoCk9EQAvD_BwE

shes not really interested in integrating into this country. this is proved by the fact she barely speaks the language (despite having lived here) and has no intention of learning. she brings no benefit to it as she won’t be working either. she just wants to use it. the nhs. and you.

your partner sounds like he too is using your earning potential to have a nice quality of life in a decent house. the fact youve allegedly had multiple threads shows there are long standing issues.

im sorry youre so unwell postpartum. that sucks. but honestly this guy and his using family are no use to you. youll be better off alone.

are they from a culture that murders the woman (ie you) and takes the baby to the home country? are you safe to speak to dp? does he earn enough he could get his own house?

if safe to do so, speak to him and say youve had the mum for what, 6 months? and this arrangement is no longer working for you. if he wants to live with her that’s fine but he can move elsewhere without you to do so as you’re done with the current arrangement. if he says no tell him you will be leaving him.

and do so. you only have one life. hes not the man for you. he cannot change. you can do better. i’d also be tempted to use google translate and tell her directly if dh refuses to speak to her.

do you know anyone who speaks the language? i’d want to bug the room and hear what they are saying. they are using you.

For a start, go upstairs, have as much time alone with your baby and cuddle and bond. You need to rest as you sound exhausted. Go to mother and baby groups too, you need other people around you. Your husband will hopefully soon ask why and you tell him. He sounds a nightmare too!

There's nothing kind about your post and OP has consistently used the same username. Have some empathy!

I seriously doubt she is fleeing abuse, this was her and your partners plan.

Do you have family you can visit with the baby?

OP I'd break up with him.

It's no coincidence MIL is in your house and not in her daughter's. She's probably back here for the NHS now she's got health issues. They're all lining you up to be her carer, it's obvious.

Your own mother might be looking after a disabled sibling but if she has a spare room it's still a better place for you and baby to be, because nobody there will be abusing you.

Your partner is abusive it's clear. He's literally driving you insane. Get out now while you can more easily extricate yourself from him. It's actually harder when DC are older. If you leave now baby will never know any different and it interferes with partner's ability to attach too, which is a good thing because it means he'll leave you both alone. If you wait until father and child have more of a bond he's more likely to fight you over access. He's already lining up his attack that you're an unfit mother (you aren't, but that's what all his undermining you and accusing you is about). The longer you hang around the more opportunities you're giving him to make shit up.

Your MH will recover much faster away from him. By putting his mother first above you he's deliberately sabotaging your recovery. That's not the behaviour of a man who loves you.

An offer to stay "if things got really bad" was not an offer for her to live with you permanently.

Say no.

Take your spot on the sofa back.

Tell her to stop rearranging the kitchen or rearrange it back.

For the sake of your child, you need to find your voice and your no here. Things are not happening to you, you are the author of your own life.

To all the posters saying to get rid of our partner, I agree he does not seem to have your best interests at heart but to brutally honest OP, neither do you as you actually keep agreeing you all these things and going along with them. I don't think the problem is solely with your partner, but with your own judgement and voice. Try to find those first. Also a quick read of the blended families/step parent forums on here shows how complicated and difficult life after separation is when you have kids so this is no easy option either. You really have to make this situation work by stopping being so agreeable.

Talk to your partner. Tell him you need your spot back on the sofa. Tell him anything that you need to make things feel more comfortable including your MIL moving on.

There are still changes that can be made in the meantime. You need boundaries. Could MIL get busy improving her english outside of the house at classes or in community groups? Reclaim your space both in the short and the long term.

It sounds like there are a lot of things you're (understandably) frustrated by and your DP and MIL are oblivious.

I remember your post, I commented too. I was so hoping you would have left to go to your Mum's.

It got worse, and it will keep getting worse.

She’s only been there a week so now is the time to set boundaries. Don’t worry about upsetting her.
Make her move so you can sit in your spot. The tv is in English. If she wants it in her own language, she watches it in her room. Don’t be embarrassed breast feeding. Ask her to leave the room for your mental health team visits. Etc.

Longer term you or she needs to move out.

Yes but now you’re ill lovey and you have a tiny baby. You are allowed to change your mind even if it’s inconvenient. It is not terrible to put yourself first, this will push you over the edge if you don’t make changes

You do need a more permanent solution. But you can still book your cottage and go away for a week

I I would say talk to your partner first. Tell him you need to sit near the baby, he needs to explain this to his mum.

His mum might not have any English but she’ll understand the word no. She goes to take baby from you and you just say “no” , fucking snarl it if you need to.

if things don’t improve book your cottage.

personally after the rest of his family descending on you I’m suspicious as to whether things are actually that bad with her partner or whether she just wants to come and live with the new grandbaby. After all she seems forceful enough with you

How can she have leave to remain if she doesn’t speak any English?

You and your DH were so kind to offer your MIL refuge.
Now that reality has deemed the situation non sustainable, long term, it is fair to make a new plans
Admit your feelings to DH.
Be honest and discuss all options with your counsellor.
Present the options to your DH. You might find that you both need the counsellor to help explain your vulnerabilities and acceptable boundaries.

Research ..
MIL getting her own 1 bed flat.
MIL getting job with inbuilt accommodation
Alltering your home to encompass a studio with own entrance/key.
Buying a larger home that has privacy and separation from MIL.
MIL going home to live with family or on her own.

Never agree to anything that upsets you.
Do not allow MIL to take DS off you.
Stand your ground.
Demand that DH sorts it out promptly.

I know it’s hard. But you are a mother now, she is too. But your baby is small. Be bigger. Be an arsehole and take priority. Xx it’s going to take a lot, but one firm speech will sort this. Do it for your sanity.

I find the idea of a husband dictating the breastfeeding schedule abhorrent, and it sounds like many of the other posters agree. Breastfeeding is hard enough. To have some bossy little shit sit back and orchestrate this around his needs makes my skin crawl.
This man will never approach parenting as team work, it will always, in every way, be about his needs and preferences, and he will be a drag on her in every.single.way, every.single.day.
Although it doesn't feel like it, now is the easiest time to leave. I say document everything with your nurses, collect your documents, see a solicitor, cut your losses, force a sale on the house (you can do this as tenants-in-common), speak to work to start planning to return (when you are ready but maybe before if you need, its a good option to have), organise nursery, find a rental, and take control of your life. Good luck OP. This is not "your story", this is just the prologue. The rest of your life is a blank page, and you get to write it so that you and your beautiful baby are the leading roles with a peaceful path forward.