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Original poster

Regretting letting MIL move in, feel mentally unwell over it. AIBU to ask what to do?

343 replies

Aristocack · 23/10/2026 20:18

I made a thread a couple of weeks ago about the struggles I have been experiencing since having my baby. The struggles have been with my partner and his family. He had various family members from his home country visit for 10 days when my baby was 2 weeks old and I found it incredibly difficult and ended up having to see the peri-natal mental health team.

I had issues with my partner critiquing my parenting in front of his family members. I also was bleeding, recovering from birth and trying to establish breastfeeding and had other people in my house, hovering, grabbing baby off me etc. It was hell. They finally left after 10 days and I felt better (though I've still been dealing with post-natal OCD symptoms and severe anxiety/intrusive thoughts but I've been working with the peri-natal team). I had strong words with my partner about how he had made me feel and he has been much better and much more supportive.

Unfortunately things have gone to shit again. A few months ago back when I was still pregnant, DP's mum (I'll just refer to her as MIL as it's easier) who was living abroad with her partner revealed to my partner (over the phone) that her boyfriend had become emotionally abusive. Me and my partner spoke about it and we agreed that he could tell her that she could come and live with us if things got too bad. She said she'd think about it. I felt sorry for her.

In the past few days she has taken us up on the offer and has flown over and moved in. My partner isn't from the UK originally and his mum does not speak English and I don't speak their language. I was kept updated on the arrangements of her moving here but I haven't directly spoken to her in detail due to the language barrier.

She arrived on the 20th October. By all intents and purposes it seems like it's going to be a permanent move. I'm so regretting saying that she can come. She's in her 60s with a health issue and unlikely to ever work or move out.

I can't natter with her as we don't speak the same language. She keeps grabbing 5 week old DS off me. I can't breastfeed downstairs as I'm uncomfortable with her seeing my breasts. She has taken my spot on the sofa in between where DP sits and DS's moses basket and she will sit and rock the basket when DS cries meanwhile I am on the small sofa where I can't even lie down. She keeps rearranging the kitchen. She comes from a culture that is taboo about mental health and she is always in the living room so I've had to ask my mental health support team to let me come to their office for appointments as I'm uncomfortable them coming to my home - I had to travel to a psychological appointment (that would usually be a home visit) in the storm today with DS on the bus. She stays up until midnight most nights.

I won't go as far as saying I want to kill myself but I feel like I've ruined my motherhood and family life and our new home which we just purchased a few months ago. I hate myself, I should never have offered for her to live with us.

I'm feeling extremely vulnerable as it is with the post-natal OCD. My main comfort and way of distracting myself from the OCD thoughts was by getting myself cosy on our sofa, cuddling/feeding DS, getting a bit blanket over me and having cuddles and chats with DP whilst watching a comfort show. That has gone now, it's been taken away. Even watching TV we have to watch it dubbed in their language with English subtitles as she doesn't speak English and her eyesight is too bad for her to have the subtitles.

Despite exclusively breastfeeding my period has also returned at 5 weeks PP and I am bleeding incredibly heavily. I am essentially living in adult nappies and in terrible pain (I have endometriosis). I keep flooding my pads and through my clothes and I was in A&E yesterday where they had to give me a prescription to slow the flow of blood. Im so physically uncomfortable and I can't even lie down and relax on my sofa and I feel trapped upstairs in the bedroom as I keep leaking blood

I don't know what to do. I have ruined my life. I don't know how I can get rid of MIL now and I feel like a terrible person for even wanting to. Life barely feels worth living. I need to get all of this off my chest and DP is sat downstairs chatting to his mum so I can't talk to him. I genuinely feel lost and like I'm in hell and like there's no way out.

My mum is supportive over text/over the phone but she is a full time carer to my autistic sibling and I can't go and stay with her/live with her due to my autistic sibling having severe mental health issues.

I feel so lonely

OP posts:
Original poster
Aristocack · 24/10/2026 16:52

She is driving me insane today over DS wearing socks. The house is heated comfortably. I put socks on DS when we go out or when it's cold. I'm wanting him to have some sock-free time now when in the house so that he can get used to different sensations on his feet. His feet also have some lint on them from socks and smell a bit so I just wanted him to be barefoot for a while. She keeps handing me a pair of bloody socks every time I go downstairs and she's tucked his pyjama top into his pants which made him cry, he was perfectly happy with it not tucked in as he had a vest underneath

OP posts:
Millytante · 24/10/2026 16:23

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 24/10/2026 12:02

It sounds like you have a kitchen, a living room, a dining room and at least 2 bedrooms, so surely this allows for a re-set. The living room is somewhere you and your partner can hang out with your baby.

Your MIL is staying in the guest room. Why can't she have seating/ her own TV in there? If your partner wants to talk to her he does it there. You can still all eat meals together in the dining room. You might even choose to invite her to join you in the living room occasionally, but she needs to respect that as your space.

She is just a temporary guest, and it sounds like it's not going to work out in the long term. Even if she magically looks for work, or learns English (what did she do last time she lived in the UK?)

Based on what you've said so far, I suspect you might even find that the best option might be for you and your partner to split up. Sorry that he's been such a disappointment.

Yes, MIL is not part of the family unit who live in this house: that comprises just the married couple and their infant.
Their lives and routines are the primary ‘shape’ within the house, and therefore MIL must fit herself around that shape, making use of the spare space around this little family.
No way is it reasonable that she turn up and immediately you, OP, are edged out of this central unit/shape, neatly replaced by your mother in law.
You wrote evocatively about wishing you’d a week away with your baby in a lovely cottage: the thing is, everything you fantasise about doing there should be very much what your daily life provides in your own house.
It’s insupportable that you are figuratively out in the cold now, so some very assertive action is needed. I know this isn’t your way, but there surely is a way it can be brought to bear. (I’m assuming DH won’t be much use)

Could your mum, or better, your MH advocate, spare half an afternoon to nip round and back you up, if you were to present MIL, via DH, a short and belated list of house ground rules? (Isn’t there an app on the internet which would read your list and translate it into her lingo?)
You have to reclaim your previous use of the living room and telly.
As pp have said, set MIL up with a laptop and arm chair upstairs for her own programmes (which only an unusually selfish person would insist on watching en famille)
Total ban on programmes in anything but English when you are in the living room. Breastfeed and sprawl lengthwise as much as reason permits, because no way should her permission be sought on this. No need for explanation or apology. It’s your flaming sofa!
Ask her to hotch up out of it if she’s in your seat, using a tone (or gestures, if necessary) which clearly expects immediate compliance, since how could such a point be argued about?!
And so on.

But still…..it’s all pretty shite. She has turned up at a most interesting moment, in terms of your relationship with DH, as well as her legal status. (I think your compassion does you great credit but I’d bet my boots it wasn’t even warranted)

Given her complete lack of cultural integration efforts heretofore, her coming to you guys looks very much like an intention of permanence, and may well have been an invitation in the first place, from DH.
I mean, how was she intending to get by if you two had not taken her in? Why were you the chosen destination? I’d be very wary and alert there, if you intend to work at your relationship with DH at all.
There’s perhaps a credible narrative here whereby she and her son have this baby now, you have done the job required of you and are now perhaps surplus to requirements, as the baby with be brought up in their culture with no input from you. (I’m getting carried away but stranger things go on every day)

Anyway darling, having waffled for yards I just wanted to send you a hug and some very strong support vibes.
I’m so terribly sorry this is happening to you (and has been happening for some time, as you’ve reported here) but I also think that out of the tail of my eye I can glimpse a very much happier near future.
Make a plan and ‘ring fence’ your baby, so that come the moment, you can both speed away in a taxi and into your happiness.

unicornsandstardust · 24/10/2026 16:19

Totaldramallama · 24/10/2026 12:06

I remember your previous thread. Your dp is a nasty man and he is not going to help you. You need to be very honest with your mental health team and get some DA victim support. The best thing to do would be to get away from this family but with your health and a newborn I genuinely don't know what to suggest

It wouldn't be impossible. She goes to her mother's temporarily (6months), presents to the council as homeless there and starts the process of getting social housing citing domestic abuse. Giving up her job after maternity leave, if it can't be done remotely or transferred to a local branch. Can claim UC until the child is 2yrs old instead. Which should give her time to recover her MH and physical health, then looks for a job in her new area (which hopefully is miles away from her current partner).

I advise not claiming child maintenance from him and hoping he forgets about the baby, like so many men are happy to do when they don't see them and it's not costing them anything. Just don't contact him ever again and let him go to court for access if he can be bothered, most can't. It's not the official way to to do things but the official ways don't usually protect mother and child from harm. Being too nice is not in OPs favour here.

NinaGeiger · 24/10/2026 16:17

You said in your last post you've lost friends. How has that happened? Did your partner put barriers in the way or discourage you from seeing people?

On the plus side I think having a baby can make it easier to make friends - if you put yourself out there and chat to people at baby groups

unicornsandstardust · 24/10/2026 16:07

Own means you have a mortgage. Tenant means you rent. You can’t be both, this doesn’t make sense.

You don't understand housing law @WouldRatherBeOnaBeach . "Joint tenants" means they both own the entirety of the property. It's a legal term. "Tennants in common" means they each own a percentage of the property, usually but not always 50/50 and can do as they wish with their half.

OP does MIL have money? Did you put a significant deposit into this house? I'm wondering if MIL could buy you out of your share. Only do this if all the usual legal channels are followed, don't sign your house over to her until she's paid the money into your sole bank account not a joint one, no excuses and don't let her drag her heels over it for years. Use a solicitor like people usually do for house sales so the official process is followed. No family agreement to pay you off in installments or anything like that. Ensure your mortgage is paid off with the money you receive from the sale (use the solicitor and don't let your partner handle it or do what he thinks is best - your name needs to be off that mortgage).

If you're not going to lose a significant deposit and if MIL has money so doesn't need a mortgage, or only a small one and can get it, this could be the easiest way for you to extricate yourself from the tie of this house.

You can sell the idea to your partner and MIL as security for her and wanting her to feel welcomed, saying you've already got security with your partner. Then if you want to leave the relationship it's as simple as picking up your stuff and heading out of the door and you'll have no mortgage or house sale to worry about.

Lifeisjustaballgame · 24/10/2026 15:49

I feel so sorry for you OP. Is there any chance that MIL can stay with her daughter in her own country? It seems strange that she has opted to move to a country where she doesn’t speak the language rather than this option.

Purplepug3 · 24/10/2026 14:10

Credittocress · 24/10/2026 10:10

My mother is English and “doesn’t believe in mental health”

Show quote history

My in-laws as well ... especially autism ADHD and mental health.. doesn't exist in their world..

XelaM · 24/10/2026 13:41

Aristocack · 24/10/2026 00:45

I keep fantasising about booking a cosy cottage somewhere and going for a few days of peace and cuddles with DS. Just hunkering down and ordering takeaways and watching what I want on telly and having lots of lovely contact naps with DS and not having to move rooms to feed him. I won't actually do it as I need more permanent solutions but god I don't half want to. Me and DS have a hotel stay booked at the end of this month - nothing special, just a Travelodge (I'm going to a concert with my mum for her birthday in my home city and I've booked the Travelodge on the night, and my aunt will be babysitting DS at the hotel whilst we are at the concert).

I'm looking forward to that hotel stay so much and having the night there just DS and me. How pathetic that my life has come to this? The thought of a night in a Travelodge is literally what is keeping me going at the moment, it's tragic and I'll probably be devastated once it's done and I can no longer look forward to it

Show quote history

Why only fantasise about it and not actually do it? Just book a cottage for a week saying to your DP that you need a break which is true. Then think of a plan as to how to get rid of her. I don't know your financial situation but if you have the means to throw money at it - just pay for a rental for her.

Arabelllllllla · 24/10/2026 13:23

WouldRatherBeOnaBeach · 24/10/2026 09:38

Own means you have a mortgage. Tenant means you rent. You can’t be both, this doesn’t make sense.

Situation sounds awful.She sounds like a nightmare! Your husband ( I assume) should be looking after you much better. If he’s just doing nothing, what’s the point ?

If you own, you need to be making her pay to put an annex shed in the garden with water etc so she can live independently of you and your young family. I know of a few families who have done this in the last few years. It’s not ok she is expecting to live with you, she needs to be paying for her accommodation.

If he won’t stand up to his mother, ask him to leave and take her with him. Either way someone has to leave and it shouldn’t have to be you or the baby.

If emotions are being damaged by his lack of care, you need to ask for help from your local council. They have means to help you in such situations.

Good luck. Enjoy your baby days as best you can. Find a nice place to hang out..:.could you buy an annual ticket to somewhere so that you can escape? E.g, a local zoo, botanical gardens etc. just so that you can escape with baby and sit and enjoy a coffee in peace. Take a flask from home if you want/take your lunch etc. Just a little escape for you.

Good luck. 💐

Show quote history

No it doesn't only mean rentals.

If you jointly own a property it legally makes you "tenants in common" or "joint tenants".

https://www.gov.uk/joint-property-ownership

Joint property ownership

Check if you're a joint tenant or tenants in common. Change from joint tenants to tenants in common, or tenants in common to joint tenants

https://www.gov.uk/joint-property-ownership

Totaldramallama · 24/10/2026 12:06

I remember your previous thread. Your dp is a nasty man and he is not going to help you. You need to be very honest with your mental health team and get some DA victim support. The best thing to do would be to get away from this family but with your health and a newborn I genuinely don't know what to suggest

Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 24/10/2026 12:02

It sounds like you have a kitchen, a living room, a dining room and at least 2 bedrooms, so surely this allows for a re-set. The living room is somewhere you and your partner can hang out with your baby.

Your MIL is staying in the guest room. Why can't she have seating/ her own TV in there? If your partner wants to talk to her he does it there. You can still all eat meals together in the dining room. You might even choose to invite her to join you in the living room occasionally, but she needs to respect that as your space.

She is just a temporary guest, and it sounds like it's not going to work out in the long term. Even if she magically looks for work, or learns English (what did she do last time she lived in the UK?)

Based on what you've said so far, I suspect you might even find that the best option might be for you and your partner to split up. Sorry that he's been such a disappointment.

99bottlesofkombucha · 24/10/2026 11:40

Let’s start with some boundaries you need to set. No grabbing your baby off you. She can say please and wait until you nod, and you can say no thanks as often as you want to. The spot on the sofa next to ds is yours. End of. Ylu can watch tv you want minimum 4 nights a week, she’s not the main home owner who just had a baby and her living there does not mean you can never watch your shows again. You are allowed to say these things. You are allowed to have space and time for you and baby in your own house.

CarpetOfStars · 24/10/2026 11:35

I once had a problem with an overbearing SIL . I said nothing and waited for my husband to sort her out . He wouldn’t so I did . I learned with people like this you have to assert yourself and put boundaries in place early on and quickly .

Ilovesunshine22 · 24/10/2026 11:35

I really feel for you OP i have had a similar situation, husbands parents & grandmother also from easten europe and dont speak english and all 3 stayed for 6 weeks when our baby was born then home for 4 and back for 7 weeks it was mentally exhausting and i also suffer from ocd and im sure it caused me pnd so i understand how unwell you must be feeling right now! My only advice is to put your foot down and speak to your husband about your feelings! I understand that mental health isnt a thing in there country also... its tough i always say its like my husbands home country is still in the 90s! You can fix this op nothing is forever and life changes very quickly! Put you and your baby first so you can be the best mummy & good luck!

lazymum99 · 24/10/2026 11:28

No need to go on about visa stuff. OP has said mil has settled status as an eu national. You can be out of uk for up to 5 years before losing this and then when you return that resets. Language tests do not come into it

chirrupybird · 24/10/2026 11:23

Also get DH to take her to get her eyes tested, get her some good glasses and then she can listen to the tv in English and read the sub titles it may help her learning English. And claim your space on the sofa back get DH to explain you need to be by the baby and you and he like to sit together in the evenings.

Gobbledegoo · 24/10/2026 11:22

Stop being subservient towards them: I know it will be very very hard. Give yourself a good talking to. Then its:

Time to take Total control of the whole home. You are now the Most Important Person. The baby is yours, you gave life to your child. You now are the Head of the Home. Your Partner and MIL are now your servants.

Take the above attitude (even if you don't feel it). Look down on them. Walk around with your head held high (as if wearing your crown). Make your body fill the space so that they have to squeeze past you. Sit where you want, turn the TV to what you want (automatically) plus all else around. Command they make you tea/coffee/food and serve you. This is all that happens in their culture when a woman gives birth. They will not give up their attitude towards you willingly, so you have to take it from them. Do not argue just do it with no discussion from now on.

Tiggy2000 · 24/10/2026 11:18

Aristocack · 23/10/2026 20:34

In regards to visa - she had previously lived in the UK for a few years before moving back to the home country and her Indefinite Leave To Remain (this essentially gives her residency) hasn't expired yet so she has been able to move back to the UK now

As I understand it ILR lapses if the person is outside of the UK for more than two years. How long did she move back home for. How did she secure ilr status? She’s clearly not at risk in her home country if she happily went back there, she lived here but doesn’t speak the language and is not contributing to your household or to the country, she’s not benefitting anyone least of all you and your baby. Talk to your support, health visitor, mental health team and ask them for some help. I really hope the situation improves for you OP, you deserve better than this.

LusciousLondoner · 24/10/2026 11:11

WouldRatherBeOnaBeach · 24/10/2026 09:38

Own means you have a mortgage. Tenant means you rent. You can’t be both, this doesn’t make sense.

Situation sounds awful.She sounds like a nightmare! Your husband ( I assume) should be looking after you much better. If he’s just doing nothing, what’s the point ?

If you own, you need to be making her pay to put an annex shed in the garden with water etc so she can live independently of you and your young family. I know of a few families who have done this in the last few years. It’s not ok she is expecting to live with you, she needs to be paying for her accommodation.

If he won’t stand up to his mother, ask him to leave and take her with him. Either way someone has to leave and it shouldn’t have to be you or the baby.

If emotions are being damaged by his lack of care, you need to ask for help from your local council. They have means to help you in such situations.

Good luck. Enjoy your baby days as best you can. Find a nice place to hang out..:.could you buy an annual ticket to somewhere so that you can escape? E.g, a local zoo, botanical gardens etc. just so that you can escape with baby and sit and enjoy a coffee in peace. Take a flask from home if you want/take your lunch etc. Just a little escape for you.

Good luck. 💐

Show quote history

When you own a house with someone you either own it as joint tenants or as tenants-in-common. Nothing to do with renting. They are legal terms to do with the division of the house upon sale/death/separation/having to fund care. You probably don't know this if you don't own a house 🙂

Millytante · 24/10/2026 10:19

BippidyBoppety · 23/10/2026 22:49

*I can't natter with her as we don't speak the same language.
She keeps grabbing 5 week old DS off me.

I can't breastfeed downstairs as I'm uncomfortable with her seeing my breasts.

She has taken my spot on the sofa in between where DP sits and DS's moses basket and she will sit and rock the basket when DS cries meanwhile I am on the small sofa where I can't even lie down.
She keeps rearranging the kitchen.
She comes from a culture that is taboo about mental health and she is always in the living room so I've had to ask my mental health support team to let me come to their office for appointments as I'm uncomfortable them coming to my home -
I had to travel to a psychological appointment (that would usually be a home visit) in the storm today with DS on the bus.
She stays up until midnight most nights*.

OP, that's a whole mess of stuff you are unhappy with. But there is quite a lot here that you can control - where other posts have said breastfeed in front of her, she can move if she doesn't like it - it is you that is uncomfortable with this. You put this in your first post. Are you (were you?) comfortable breastfeeding in front of your partner? Would you consider a modesty scarf while you feed in comfort? Perhaps MIL has it in her head that she's there to help you with the baby - "grabbing him" to let you rest, "rocking the basket" when he cries, etc? She'd be a bit of a monster if she was ignoring the crying baby. Her using your spot on the sofa - is she / would she have been aware of this? Her rearranging the kitchen - there's no need to shout, as other posters have suggested, you can (I'm guessing) say "No" in a polite way? And! It's your choice not to see the healthcare professionals in your home, isn't it - your MIL isn't forcing you to take a bus in a storm. And "staying up until midnight" - this is your Partners Mum, you aren't the boss of her. As others have said, make her room comfortable, TV and an easy chair.

This is, however, not an ideal situation for any of you - although I don't see you suggesting your Partner move off the sofa, or him making any adjustments to accommodate his Mum.

Find your voice - please don't do the shouty thing, this is now your (and your baby's) family. Be a little understanding how this woman must feel having had an awful experience with her abusive partner. Moving countries, leaving her home. She is a guest in your home, she is your Partner's Mum, she hasn't set out to make your life miserable - you're doing a lot of that work for yourself (and I mean this kindly). You've entered a new phase in your life and it's not panning out as you had imagined (referring to the last thread on here too). I'd suggest you let go of any ideas you had of "perfect" maternity leave and try and be a bit more chill.

Just an opinion.

Jaysus, no need to be brutal.

Sunshineandoranges · 24/10/2026 10:15

I remember your other thread. You have done well to stand up to your partner. I would say you need to re-establish your home as your nest...not hers Do it in small steps. First reclaim your seat. Then if she wants tv in her language, buy asmall cheap set she can watch in her room. You are doing her a huge favour in letting her share your home. Make it clear to your partner that things have to change. It might be that she has to move out but small steps to start with.

OldGothsFadeToGrey · 24/10/2026 10:13

Credittocress · 24/10/2026 10:10

My mother is English and “doesn’t believe in mental health”

Show quote history

Exactly.

Credittocress · 24/10/2026 10:10

OldGothsFadeToGrey · 24/10/2026 09:49

Plenty of countries in Europe where mental health is still a significant taboo - Czechia and Poland for example. France has archaic attitudes too. Europe is not as progressive as it likes to think.

Edited
Show quote history

My mother is English and “doesn’t believe in mental health”

FreeBoots · 24/10/2026 10:02

I totally understand this. Have a MIL from western Europe , speaks absolutely no English, has no boundaries and my soon to be ex has never set any with her and allowed her to trample all over me for years. Someone questioned the mental health taboo, I can imagine this too. Her generation had lots of peasant farmers, like this country 100 years ago, very poorly educated and unable to grasp modern concepts. Don't ever doubt yourself OP, I know how suffocating and hellish long visits are and I would be ill it my MIL had moved in. It's not you, it's them.

LongDarkTeatime · 24/10/2026 09:58

Your MiL needs to start taking some responsibility for her situation. It is impossible to live in a country, and a house where you can’t communicate. I wonder if being able to talk would not solve the situation, but make it a little less bad.
1, you DH needs to find and book her into language classes
2, make some simple English-her language flash cards to help you communicate eg ‘baby is staying with me for now’, ‘this is where we keep plates’, ie phrases to help you regain some control.