Regretting letting MIL move in, feel mentally unwell over it. AIBU to ask what to do?

Yes maybe then . Although if she’s moved away for so long I’d be surprised if she hasn’t broken some kind of residency requirement.

Regardless I wouldn’t be letting her put foreign language shows on when I was there and wanted to watch something!

No, no, no!

Sorry if you've already said but how old are you OP and how long have you been with your partner?

If young and impressionable there is help, if older there is help. This situation smacks simply of control from a culture where this may be normal. It's not acceptable in the UK, there are rules and laws to help you get out of this situation. Reach out, find someone who can legally mediate for you. Xx

Don't blame yourself for saying she could stay. She was in an abusive relationship and providing her with an escape was a compassionate thing to do, you didn't know you'd feel this way.

Agree you need to put some rules in place that suit you. Move her off the sofa so you can reclaim your place, lie down and tend to the baby as you please. Let her know she'll need to be in her room when you have the health visitor or a the psych team or whoever coming over. Don't worry about if she'll like it (don't be nasty to her, but don't tip toe around her). This is your house, you are postpartum with a baby, and you set the rules. If she wants to have a say she's going to have to earn that right to some extent.

She's only been there 3 days, you've made her welcome but if this is for the long haul you need to set boundaries and expectations ASAP. Maybe have a house meeting where you go over things - including perhaps when she needs to make herself scarce so you and DH can have time together.

If DH won't explain to her, use google translate (plain language, short sentences. No idioms).

Maybe look into getting her some English classes.

This is all without reading your previous thread. Other posters seem to think DH is abusive not just young, witless and a bit in thrall to his mum but basically trainable, and if that's the case, talk to your health visitor about how you get out.

Did you discuss with both of them if it was going to be a temporary arrangement. Does she want to stay in this country. Could you help her go to her own country. Tell your partner that this isn’t working for you , your house isn’t your own and she needs to find alternative accommodation. How long is her Visa for it is she entitled just to stay

OP I am so sorry.

Your MIL needs to move out.

Are you sure your husband had not been in conversation with his mother behind your back and encouraged her to move in? But I’m surprised that your MIL, being from Western Europe, would have lived in the UK for several years without having a reasonable grasp of English. Also I would be questioning her visa status.

Probably got ILTR before the language requirements came in.

If so, you'd think she'd have learnt at least a bit in all those years, but it's amazing how people can insulate themself from it if they have a close relative who can translate and an insular community. My dad moved to Thailand 30 years ago, has a Thai wife and kid, has set up businesses and makes his way around but can barely say hello and thank you in Thai.

As far as settee is concerned claim it back the second she's not in it -she can't possibly be sat in it 24/7. Get back in there and spread your stuff out to indicate you are still sat there even if you have to get up

I am very sorry for you and your situation, OP. This happened to my mum when I was born (my dad is from a different country and his mum speaks no English) and it didn’t end well at all. She (my grandmother) flew home after a huge row, and they didn’t understand each other! Best to say something now, rather than try and struggle on. It will only get worse, in my opinion. It’s better to potentially offend someone now rather than for you to have a major breakdown in the near future.

You have to put yourself and your baby first, as you are both the most important in all this.
I think you should go and stay with your mum for a bit of breathing space and support. Invite your DH over and tell him bluntly that this arrangement is not working and needs to stop immediately. He can then return and move MIL out to another relatives or she can return to her country and live independently there. You are not responsible for her.
Beyond that, then you can start thinking about your relationship and future.
You have had the most awful time and have not ruined your life or anyone else’s. You can’t see the wood for the trees right now as having a baby is hard enough without a stream of interfering and dominant relatives being involved.

I completely agree. You need to become untouchable. Firm. Powerful. This is your home and your baby. Breastfeed where you want to. If she feels uncomfortable she can leave.

Have the mental health team come and be open and honest about how the people in the house are treating you and making your mental health suffer. If they have a problem with it ask "am I lying? No. If you stand by your behaviour then you won't have a problem with people knowing."

Never let anyone take your baby from your arms. Ever.

When you put your baby down in their basinet you turn to her and say "I need to sit there" and if she doesn't you turn to your husband and say "tell your mum to sit on the other sofa, I need to sit by my baby."

Put a TV in her room. And watch what you want on TV.

Your husband is a prick. His family are pricks. Your baby needs you so you cannot allow these people to push you into giving up. Take a deep breath, pull out your inner selfish bitch and stand up for your babys mother.

I would be straight on the phone to your councils homelessness service and tell them you and baby need emergency accommodation immediately get the hell out of there.

I don't want to sound ignorant but if she lived in the UK before surely she must have had a little bit of English to get by day to day?

You need to take a hard look at your options and prioritise yourself and baby.

How did she pass the English test?

Put your programmes on. She’s walking all over you. What are you scared of? Because I would just change the channel. If she doesn’t like it she’d be complaining in a language I couldn’t understand anyway so you could ignore her !! So who cares

So something is stopping you?

My mother moved in with me under similar circumstances and it’s an absolute nightmare. It was supposed to be a short-term arrangement but it’s been four years now and her hearing and eyesight have deteriorated to such an extent that it would be cruel to make her move out. She’s too vulnerable.

You need to be very clear with your DH that this is not working for you and your MIL needs to find her own place before she gets her feet any more firmly under the table. As an adult it’s vital to have your own space away from parents! If he doesn’t back you up on this, they should both go.

Oh hang on, just rtft: definitely time to break free.

Okay, I just wanted to say you have not ruined motherhood. I felt similarly by moving away from my home area to be near family and it didn't work out and I felt like I was so distracted thinking of things ither than my baby, who was so wanted and cherished. Motherhood is a long journey and you've npt ruined it.

You do need to be honest with your husband and tbh it doesn't sound like a relationship where you are prioritised at all. Speak up, it's YOUR HOUSE. Excuse me motherhood in law I need to sit by my baby. She makes a fuss?, great, sounds like a confrontation is needed to decide things one way or another.

I remember your previous thread and so many of us advised you to go and stay with your mum due to the awful actions of your husband, could you not do that? Regardless of the MIL situation he still treated you appallingly and clearly still doesn’t care so the advice will just be the same as previous thread.

What happened to your plan to escape to your mums and get away from this abusive family?

You have a partner who moved his family members in after you gave birth and tried to get you on the sofa so he could sleep! Tried to make out your hurt your baby and left them in the boot of a car. Spoke to his family in their language so you couldn’t understand.

Sounds like he then did the typical pattern of being really nice convinced you to stay and now returned to his previous behaviour. And moved his mum in. This is it. This is your life unless you change it.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Rather than telling you to move out I think you just need to learn to stop letting people walk all over you. Tell your partner how you are feeling, him and his mother may not be aware if you haven't said anything.

Don't be uncomfortable because someone is in your seat, ask for it back. Don't hand over the baby if you don't want to. Don't let MIL & DP push you out when you want to be near the moses basket. Don't breastfeed upstairs in your own house either (my dad is such a prude about breastfeeding but even he could deal with just not looking, I was going to feed my baby wherever I chose to!).

Start small, tomorrow claim your sofa seat back next to the moses basket, the day after breastfeed in the living room (if she feels uncomfortable then she can leave but if she's breastfed herself she'll probably just look away). Then put your kitchen back to how you like it. Then have your appointments at home and ask her to leave the room to give you privacy. If you can push yourself to do this you will feel so empowered!!

It's your home, do not let anyone make you feel uncomfortable in it! No one matters more than you and your baby so make yourselves the priority!

Goodness OP poor you!

You need to address with your husband that it is not working out

he should have your back! if not and if he cares more about his mum and wants her to live with him forever…. They can just live together

i am just racking my brain which country they could be from (having lived in many different places myself) but never experienced this lack of respect for mothers of newborns anywhere…

she will have to go back to her home country and sort her own life out

or else you will have to leave. Hope you find the strength. Good luck, be very kind to yourself.

OP this is heart breaking to read. I’m also in my baby bubble and I’m ready for visitors to leave after an hour.

Please please continue to breastfeed. That way when this ‘relationship’ comes to breaking point he can’t take the baby to punish you.

In the meantime stop making your MIL/partner so comfortable. You get priority, it’s your house, you’re postpartum and physically unwell. Tell your ‘D’P that his mum has to sit in the armchair. The TV should be in English (she’s living in England) and you should get the right to have whatever you want on. Stop being a doormat and making it so easy for them.

I’ve just read your previous thread and it was utterly heartbreaking. It’s half term now but the following week lots of churches run mother and toddler groups. Please go out, make some friends, enjoy taking your baby out for coffee and cake.

Gosh even order a TV for your bedroom for you to have baby cuddles, eat chocolate and be comfortable. Honestly just check out from them as this relationship is currently dead in the water. If your ‘D’P doesn’t see her being their killing your relationship he evidently doesn’t really care. In the words of mumsnet get your ducks in a row as he’s going to play nasty regarding custody/turn your mental health (which EVERY WOMAN!!! Would have piss poor mental health in your position!!!) he’s caused this. Stay strong OP, let Mumsnet hold your hand to get out of there. In a years time this hopefully will seem like a horrible fever dream.

You are allowed to change your mind. You married him, not his family.
So sorry OP. Speak up, you're not happy.

Firstly stop beating yourself up. You are allowed to change your mind. Especially once you’ve had a baby, everything changes.

You need to get your partner on his own and talk to him. Tell him you’re not coping with the change in dynamic and your home no longer feels like your home. Suggest that she could start looking for a place to rent if she wants to stay in the UK, but it needs to be soon because you need space now to get yourself better.

If he sides with his mother then I’m afraid you have to leave him, split your assets and start again. Very very few people could cope with living with their MIL long term (I certainly couldn’t), let alone when they’ve just had a baby. And no good partner would demand it of the person they love. If that’s the only package on offer then you need to send it back.

@Aristocack I followed your last thread where you gave a blow by blow account of how miserable you felt because of your partner's family members staying in your house shortly after your baby was born. You didn't mention in that thread that you'd agreed to his mother moving in with you. In no way was that going to help you

You received such a lot of good advice on here and also posted that you had a plan to return to your (foster)? parents' home as they were prepared to support you

What a sad turn of events to now read how your living situation has got so much worse.

Legal advice also needed here as you bought a house with this PoS

Good luck with getting away and raising your child