DS has been uninvited from a sleepover and I don’t know what to tell him

My son is 34 now, but I remember when he was in year 6 he was in a large, close group of friends, where only two were girls.
one of these girls came for a sleepover, it was just the two of them. and while it had seemed fine at the time, the reality was that it probably wasn't.
His friend had developed quite early, and wore a bra.
She was absolutely lovely, and far more mature than my son, who only saw her as his friend, but knowing she wore a bra definitely made me rethink mixed sex sleepovers.

I definitely wouldnt have let my kids have mixed sex sleepovers at that age. They are approaching puberty and body changes become really evident.

Exactly.

I have asked if the birthday girl verbally invited the DS without actually asking her mum

and no matter how difficult the position is, the mum should not be forced to invite him for any part of it and fact he hasn’t suggested would indicate she wasn’t told Dd was inviting him or… her DD also doesn’t want him to come for this bit

You’re making this a unnecessary drama.

He’s perfectly old enough to understand that mixed sex sleepovers aren't considered appropriate for most parents.

I agree that at that age it's not a good idea, it's safeguarding your son as much as anything - especially at Yr 6 age when everyone is hitting puberty. Yr 6 boys & girls usually don't get changed together at school for PE so there could be embarrasment etc, it also just takes one of the girls to accuse him of something inappropriate.

This ^
By the way and I think it’s a right call, at this age it was very wrong for birthday parents to assume that everyone will be ok with a mixed sleepover.

The Mum invited and then disinvited leaving the OP in a difficult position.
In this case I therefore think it would be fine to ask, tough if it is a bit awkward for the Mum.

He's too old for that now sadly. There's no need for drama.Just explain it's an adult decision because they are all growing up now.
Can you arrange a nice evening at yours, or a trip out for him and the birthday girl?
Might DFs mum let him go and just come home late? It doesn't have to be all or nothing surely?
The other mother is right to address this imo.

We talk about kids being over sexualised too early, and then we decide they can’t have mixed sleepovers despite being in primary school…sends the wrong message.

There is zero reason that kids of this age should not be able to have a sleepover, if they’ve not gone through then why on earth would there be an issue.

Good point. In his end of year residential he sure as shit won’t be in mixed dorms

No, if the mum hasn’t already suggested it - then it is for a reason

I think it’s very odd by year 6 to have mixed sex sleepovers. Your son must know that on school trips sleeping accommodation is never mixed - simply say this is the same.

There is no way I would let my son sleep in the same room as females. It’s not an endearing extension of positive female friendships, it’s highly risky.

Tell him the real reason.

Agree with this.

But also it isn't strange / unusual for a parent (or child) to not want mixed sex sleepovers at that age.

If the mum has not suggested it, then no

You should be honest. Having friends of the opposite sex inevitably changes a little as they get older so there’s no point ignoring it. Keep to the facts, make sure he knows it’s no reflection on him personally and try not to make a big deal of it beyond that. Perhaps him and the birthday girl could do something juts the two of them?

Has anyone said to say this is strange?

Offer to go and pick him up after pizzas and movie that's what we've always done with the mixed groups

I disagree with telling him it's strange for parents to say no to mixed sleepovers once they start hitting puberty - it's extremely sensible. It protects your son as much as the girls.

This was going to be my suggestion too.

It's sad for your ds but was going to come up eventually, I'm afraid.

Asking the mum if he could attend the pizza and film then you collect him was a good suggestion.

Tell him the truth that some people a bit strange about boys and girls being at a sleepover together and that his mate and her mum are cool with everything but the other girls parents aren't.

He's 10 not 4 and will know about biological differences and that it can be embarrassing for some people to be in yer PJs in front of another sex.

Remember some of these girls may well have hit puberty so there's a whole new level of embarrassment.

How was he invited ? Verbally by the birthday girl?

I would tell him the real reason - it's no longer appropriate for boys/girls to have mixed sex sleepovers at this age, it's not personal to him and he's done nothing wrong, but it's a decision the adults have made. Tell him you are sorry the decision was made after he was invited but it would have been the same result if the adults had thought about it in time. That you know he feels disappointed but it's part of growing up.

Don't make anyone the villain here. It's actually the right decision.