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DS has been uninvited from a sleepover and I don’t know what to tell him

206 replies

TryingNotToMakeItWorse · Today 15:19

DS is in year 6, 10 but turns 11 next month. One of his closest friends is having a sleepover next weekend for her birthday and invited him along with 5 other girls. He’s the only boy.

He’s always got on better with girls really. He’s got a couple of boy mates but theyre more school friends if that makes sense, whereas the girls are who he actually wants to spend time with outside school. He’s been friends with this particular girl since year 3 and they’ve been to each others houses loads of times, so it’s not like they’ve only just started hanging about together.

Anyway he was invited last week. They were going to have pizza, watch films and all sleep in the living room.

Yesterday the mum messaged me saying she’d had a conversation with one of the other mums who wasnt comfortable with her DD staying overnight if a boy was there. Apparently she’d not really thought about it before but had decided she was going to make it girls only after all. So DS is no longer invited.

I do understand that its her house and she can have whatever rules she wants but I feel really uncomfortable about the way its happened. He was invited and now he’s been dropped because another parent has an issue with it. The birthday girl apparently still wants him there and they’ve not fallen out or anything.

I havent told him yet because I honestly dont know how to explain it without him thinking she’s changed her mind about being his friend. He doesnt get invited to that many sleepovers and he was genuinely excited about this one.

Part of me thinks I should just say the plans have changed and leave it at that, but then he’s going to find out at school when the other girls talk about it.

Would you tell him the actual reason or keep it vague? And would you say anything to the mum or just leave it now?

OP posts:
Easytorecall · Today 16:08

StepAwayFromGoogling · Today 16:06

But so what? Presumably she'll wear a pad and knickers under her PJs? I'm presuming they won't be changing in front of each other anyway? How is it any different to it happening at school?

Do they sleep in the same room together at school? Get changed in the same changing room together?

the school gets it. You don’t. Shame

And when it comes to the residential - the school won’t have him with the girls

You are pretty much on your own here @StepAwayFromGoogling
Thankfully

rememberingthem · Today 16:06

Alittlefrustrated · Today 15:34

He's too old for that now sadly. There's no need for drama.Just explain it's an adult decision because they are all growing up now.
Can you arrange a nice evening at yours, or a trip out for him and the birthday girl?
Might DFs mum let him go and just come home late? It doesn't have to be all or nothing surely?
The other mother is right to address this imo.

Sorry wrong comment

saraclara · Today 16:06

Had I been the party girl's mother, I'd have told the other mother that, while I understood her concern, your son had already been invited and that it would be totally unfair to uninvite him. I'd attempt to reassure her that there would be close supervision etc, but I absolutely would not uninvite a child for any reason. Not would I put the mother of the uninvited child in such an awkward position.

StepAwayFromGoogling · Today 16:06

Easytorecall · Today 16:02

A girl of 11 may have just started her period and maybe due her second period that sleepover. Self conscious and not close to this boy. Come on. Really?

Edited

But so what? Presumably she'll wear a pad and knickers under her PJs? I'm presuming they won't be changing in front of each other anyway? How is it any different to it happening at school?

Thisismetooaswell · Today 16:05

VoltaireMittyDream · Today 16:00

Lots of girls are in puberty by 10 or 11 and feel self conscious about their bodies. Lots of girls at this age have had the experience of being made fun of by boys for developing breasts. Does their comfort not matter?

You're projecting quite a bit there. What if this 10 year old wouldn't dream of making fun of the girls (seems likely or why would the birthday girl be friends with him) Some girls have started their period by 10, but most haven't. I just think it is very unfair to invite a child and then tell him he can't come after all when her has done absolutely nothing wrong and the mother hosting the event was obviously ok with it. I think they all go and get into their pjs in another room and then just get on with it.

Easytorecall · Today 16:05

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TryingNotToMakeItWorse · Today 16:05

Some of these girls are his closest friends tbh. He doesnt see or do anything with boys outside school. He gets on with them fine in school but he just gets on better with girls and they’re the ones he wants to spend time with outside of it.

He’s a young 10 maturity wise, even though he’s one of the oldest in his year, if that makes sense. I dont think he’ll really understand the difference between being allowed at some sleepovers but not others in the way an adult would. He’ll just see it as he’s been invited, got excited about it and now he’s not allowed to go anymore.

And yes I think he’d be sad if he went for the pizza and films but had to come home early. He’d be having fun with all his friends and then have to leave in the middle of it whilst the girls were all still there having their fun. I can see him feeling worse watching them all carry on without him tbh.

@Easytorecall just to clarify she said ‘Ava’s’ mum wasnt comfortable with it, not Ava herself. I dont think Ava has actually said she doesnt want him there.

OP posts:
Bitzee · Today 16:05

Easytorecall · Today 15:59

The birthday girl will have been asked which one and chose the girl

I reckon it prompted a rethink from the girl’s mum about whether or not it was appropriate and she decided it wasn’t. If they’ve been friends for ages, it probably hasn’t occurred to her to reassess the appropriateness until someone else mentioned it. Rather than a him or her situation.

fashionqueen0123 · Today 16:04

Suggest you'll collect him at like 8pm or something- he could still go for pizza !

butterfliesandrainbows2022 · Today 16:04

StepAwayFromGoogling · Today 16:02

So? The OPs 10 year old won't be able to help himself staring at breasts through pyjamas? Or asking about periods? Seriously?

You really dont see how even just being in a room in PJ's with a Boy might make a Girl uncomfortable

SouthLondonMum22 · Today 16:04

I'd ask about just going over for pizza and films since it's awkward as he was initially invited but overall, it's probably the age to stop mixed sex sleepovers.

PinkViola · Today 16:04

Easytorecall · Today 15:29

Has anyone said to say this is strange?

Yes, a post at 15.26

pinkfondu · Today 16:03

Tell him the truth, having to go home whikst thet all stay won’t be very nice tbh

StepAwayFromGoogling · Today 16:02

VoltaireMittyDream · Today 16:00

Lots of girls are in puberty by 10 or 11 and feel self conscious about their bodies. Lots of girls at this age have had the experience of being made fun of by boys for developing breasts. Does their comfort not matter?

So? The OPs 10 year old won't be able to help himself staring at breasts through pyjamas? Or asking about periods? Seriously?

JamesFrond · Today 16:02

I had a similar situation although I was the mother of the girl. My DD’s best friend firm age five was a boy and they had many sleepovers and one day I was putting some sheets on a mattress on my DD’s floor when she was in year five and I just thought‘this doesn’t feel right’. They had that sleepover and I talked to the other mother afterwards and we sort of agreed that we wouldn’t do it any more. I talked to my own dd and said that of course they could still be best friends and we, the parents, were completely on board with supporting that, but that it wasn’t appropriate to have sleepovers.

Easytorecall · Today 16:02

StepAwayFromGoogling · Today 16:00

So what? Genuinely, what difference does that make to anything in this situation?

A girl of 11 may have just started her period and maybe due her second period that sleepover. Self conscious and not close to this boy. Come on. Really?

Gengha · Today 16:01

StepAwayFromGoogling · Today 16:00

So what? Genuinely, what difference does that make to anything in this situation?

Do you honestly think a 10 year old girl on her period would be fine with a boy in her class being there?

pilates · Today 16:01

Just tell him the real reason.

DemonsandMosquitoes · Today 16:00

I’m with the mum. I don’t see the big deal. Just be honest, he’ll be at high school next year! Please don’t suggest just the food and pizza, that would seem somewhat desperate and put her in a very awkward position. They’re growing up and having a boy there does change the dynamic. And I say this as mum of much older sons.

Gengha · Today 16:00

Credittocress · Today 15:57

It always seems to be the parents of boys who have the more relaxed attitude of they’re too young or just friends or they’ve always been closer to girls; or indeed when they’re older of course they can have their girlfriend stay over if they’re going to have sex they’ll do it anyway.

This is representative that the risk to girls is greater. Boy mums seem happy to accept the risk and put the burden onto girl mums

Not me, I’ve got boys and would and have considered this inappropriate. In fact the time my son last suggested this when he was about 10 the girl’s mum was fine with it, it was me who said no.

StepAwayFromGoogling · Today 16:00

Easytorecall · Today 15:52

Some of those girls will have started their periods, developing breasts and I wonder whether this friend is one of them

So what? Genuinely, what difference does that make to anything in this situation?

VoltaireMittyDream · Today 16:00

Thisismetooaswell · Today 15:58

I agree with you. I think if the other girl's mother had an issue it should be her daughter who misses out, not the OP's son. It's very mean to uninvite someone. He's 10 fgs, still a child. I would be very upset if it was my son

Lots of girls are in puberty by 10 or 11 and feel self conscious about their bodies. Lots of girls at this age have had the experience of being made fun of by boys for developing breasts. Does their comfort not matter?

TeenToTwenties · Today 16:00

Between 10-14 parents have very different ideas on what is / is not suitable.
Mixed sex sleep overs is one, but then there is underage films/games, internet access, general level of supervision required, level of freedom permitted.

It is important for a hosting parent to be aware of these potential differences and be upfront.

e.g. 'Watch a film' at age 10/11 could include a 12 rated one (or for a small percentage a 15 rated one).

Easytorecall · Today 15:59

Surely the mother didn’t identify the girl in question @TryingNotToMakeItWorse ?

Easytorecall · Today 15:59

Thisismetooaswell · Today 15:58

I agree with you. I think if the other girl's mother had an issue it should be her daughter who misses out, not the OP's son. It's very mean to uninvite someone. He's 10 fgs, still a child. I would be very upset if it was my son

The birthday girl will have been asked which one and chose the girl

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