DS has been uninvited from a sleepover and I don’t know what to tell him

Why on earth did my post get deleted!

Op, you really need a chat with your son about consent and helping women/ girls feel comfortable or he’ll not grow up into a nice man.

Tell him the truth!

This isn't about sex and sexuality, it's about girls going into puberty not only younger than boys but in a more intimate and possibly embarrassing way. Does no one remember starting their periods, how strange it felt, how awkward, how your cycle took ages to settle and periods could come unexpected? When you're an adult it's easier to be matter of fact about it, as a young girl it's awkward enough around the other girls, boys are another thing entirely.

DS1 was well into puberty at 10. Prior to that he had been to mixed sleepovers but I made it clear to him that there would reach a point when it wasn't approriate for boys and girls to do mixed sleepovers. So he was prepared when I stopped it.
I think you need to spell it out to him why it's something that can happen with small children but not once girls or boys have reached puberty. He's old enough to understand that even if he hasn't reached that point himself.

Exactly. If a child who’s nearly 11 doesn’t understand puberty and other people’s feelings, particularly those of girls related to boys, then op needs to do a better parenting job. Or her son may have extra needs

Its these ‘little innocent princes’ who grow into lumbering misogynists.

With regards to the uninvite.

Either Ava is a better closer friend and the birthday girl wanted to pick her over ops son.

Or the birthday girls mum went oh yeah shit actually Ava’s mum is right it’s crazy to have a boy at an all girls sleepover at this age. Fuck best fix this.

I actually find it weird that someone thought it was a good idea in the first place. Sorry! I'm a bit old school.

Are you suggesting that young girls should feel ashamed of their bodies, even if they don’t? Why is it only girls whose privacy and dignity you seem concerned about? Surely all children are entitled to privacy and dignity, regardless of sex. But that doesn’t mean we should teach girls that their bodies need to be hidden from boys, or that sharing a room with a boy is inherently a threat to their dignity. What sort of gross messages about gender, sex and sexuality does that send?

Good point.

Maybe Ava's mum's views persuaded the host that it was inappropriate?

This thread seems to have turned more into a debate about whether mixed sex sleepovers are allowed at age 10. The birthday girl’s Mum and OP had no problem with it. Ava’s Mum did. Why isn’t Ava sitting it out given DS and birthday girl have been close friends for years?

Seriously?

I take it you don't have a 10+ yo DD? This is the reason boys of 8+ are not supposed to be in women's changing rooms. I'm fairly relaxed (and old!) tbh but I am uneasy when a boy who looks to be 10+ is in there and yes, looking at me while I shower (in my costume). He's not a perv, he's a pre-pubescent boy and needs to be kept safe. As do the 10yo girls in his class, who deserve not to have him in the women's changing rooms, or in the living room while they get their PJs on or even after they have changed separately. Sorry if you cannot see this.

What a wild leap. Do schools sexualise children when they provide sex separate toilets, changing areas, and sleeping arrangements on residential trips? Why are you talking about sexual predation? Do you have any rules for your kids when they have sleepovers or is it whatever they are “cool” with?

Privacy and dignity of the girls is the thing thing here

women and girls are entitled to privacy and dignity

shockingly it's not only about how boys feel

I agree 100%.

The poor boy.

Or perhaps I simply don’t agree with sexualising children and viewing ordinary interactions between them through the lens of sexual predation. What risks, exactly, are you suggesting?

It isn't only safety.
It is privacy and dignity too.
The latter 2 are likely more important than the first at this age.

Mixed sleepovers stop before year six if they ever happened to start with.

Tell him the truth. It would be really odd to have year six boys and girls sleeping over in the same room.

Girls especially will be getting self conscious around boys especially if they ended up getting changed and are sharing a sleeping space.

Schools wouldn’t have boys and girls in the same room on a residential either.

Most girls will be going starting to go through puberty or already rather developed with periods in year 6.

I wouldn’t let my daughter attended a mixed sex sleep over and I even didn’t allowed my son who was then 16 to have a girl sleep over without a phone call with the girls parents. Shocker my son and that girl didn’t want the call to happen. No sleepover.

Also I disregard anyone going but what if they are gay at an all boys or lesbian at an all girls. Nobody is possibly getting anyone pregnant there although an assault would still be terrible pregnancy wouldn’t happen and they would all be the same sex so no self consciousness about their bodies being different sex wise.

I'd just tell him the truth as soon and simply as possible, that you're sorry but he can't go to the sleepover because one of the mothers felt like the kids were getting too old for boys at a girls' sleepover. We all have our little disappointments in life and just have to deal with them.

I would not call the girl's mother and ask that he be partially included. I think the mother is not following the best etiquette herself to un-invite him but of course it's her house and her option. Still, if she'd wanted to partially invite him anyway, she would have. And her behavior or your child not liking it isn't really an excuse to lower your own etiquette standards, in my opinion. Inviting yourself (or your child) is nearly always cringeworthy, in my opinion.

It's also possible that some assumedly unnamed other mother is not the reason your son was un-invited. It could be the sleepover hostess decided this herself (or her husband did, if she has one) and wanted to dodge the blame. I think "social lies" are very common, so I wouldn't assume the reason given is even necessarily the real reason.

Of course we hate to see our kids disappointed, though. You might offer your son a little something to soften the blow. Maybe have some of the kids over another day or take them somewhere, or take him somewhere cool the evening of the sleepover. Good luck with it.

Its not about anything he might do, its about a little girl feeling comfortable to be around a little boy in her PJ's

There would be six girls present. Seriously, what on earth could he have done in the presence of so many others.

As the party parent, if have kicked myself for not thinking it through, but I'd do everything I could to avoid uninviting him, because that's just cruel.

It's a borderline age isn't it, but yeah- definitely better to err on the side of caution. And now's a great age to start teaching your son that he's allowed to be upset about it, but a man's upset shouldn't ever trump a woman's comfort and security.

This is an easy one. At least he hasn't been uninvited because his friend group turned against him. Tell him exactly what happened. One mum of one girl was uncomfortable having a boy there. You can then have a discussion about what this means and how he feels about it.

Unfortunately by year 6 mixed sleepovers become inappropriate. To mitigate some of the upset you need to use this as an opportunity to have a grown up conversation with your son about what is and isn't appropriate. Nobody is at fault here. The other mum is perfectly entitled to not want a boy at the sleepover. I think the host mum is being sensible rethinking this as if she ignored the issue then she is making herself vulnerable to accusations by the other parents.

Personally, I don't see an issue at 10 years. I hosted a mixed sleepover for my DC when they were 11/12 years BUT I did specifically check with all parents that they were happy and offered separate rooms if preferred. The sleepover wouldn't have gone ahead if parents were not happy. At 13/14 the kids wanted another mixed sleepover but I drew the line there and refused. I explained to my child why it wasn't appropriate and they were fine with it and understood.