DS has been uninvited from a sleepover and I don’t know what to tell him

It’s not about the threat! It’s about body autonomy and possible embarrassing situations. A flooding period for the girls for example or for my son who this age sometime of a morning he’s been waking up and in his words, his Willy is sticking up!!

he would be traumatised if that happened in front of his female friends

We had the exact same situation although it happened in yr4. I explained to my son that his friend had changed her mind and decided to only invite girls and he was disappointed but got over it and they're still friends. He's now in yr6 and I'd find it easier to explain at this age and can see that parents would feel uncomfortable about this whereas I thought a mixed sex sleepover in yr4 would've been fine, but accepted that other parents disagreed.

I would explain it to him honestly otherwise he could end up thinking that he's been uninvited because of something he's done.

With my son, it did prompt me to actively help him become better friends with some of the boys because I realised the girls he'd always played with were growing up faster than he was and he'd ended up a bit on the outside of both boy and girl friendship groups. There was a school residential that year and he really struggled to choose other boys to share a room with. Luckily he had an amazing teacher that year who really helped him form some other friendships and now has a great group of mainly boy mates with some girls too.

Maybe she might flood if she has periods. Or come on unexpectedly since it’s still early years of periods. Embarrassing enough for her infront of her girl friends let alone a boy.

You’d think women themselves would understand why girls might not want to be sleeping in rooms with boys as they are entering or just started puberty.

But the boy only mums boys comes first genes are clearly strong 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

That you're so disrespectful of the necessity for the automatic respect of women's boundaries is really shocking.

Why on earth are you enquiring suspiciously -- and weirdly forensically - into why any of these girls want to be in a single sex environment? It's their prerogative. No is full sentence.

No, sorry. Girls can assert boundaries at any time. They dont need to wait until is convenient for a boy. One mother has raised the issue, the host and her DD have reassessed as is their right. It is a shame for him, but this is something his parents should have preempted.
I have a 10 year boy. I honestly can't fathom thinking it was appropriate for him to attend a girls sleepover.

That's not how boundaries work. They can be expressed at any time.

You tell him that gentlemen respect women's boundaries, whenever they realise what that boundary is. If it's in advance, on the fly, a little later than would be ideal - the job of a good man is to receive that boundary with good grace and make the woman feel relaxed about it.

This is a learning opportunity for your son in boundaries.

When the next party is being planned and the guestlist is being finalised, then boys can be left off the list, or the uncomfortable parents can have more warning, and time to either decline or make different arrangements like collecting their daughter earlier.

I'm sorry if that part wasn't clear in my earlier comment.

Yes I’m looking back and thinking if my son had been invited to an all girls sleep over I would find it weird to start with.

Being the only one of that sex at any kind or party is weird let alone a sleep over. The token boy.

I would have declined the invite as the boy mum.

What part of that should "wait until next time"? Frankly, it is something that OP shouldn't have needed to be told and that her DS should already understand.

It's not about boys being a threat. Lots of girls guard their privacy and would feel uncomfortable. If everyone is fine with it, then great, but that isn't the case here.

And all of that is completely understandable for next time.

At this point, he has already been invited to this party.

Let's bear in mind that, if we take all the info at face value, it's a woman who won't even be there that feels uncomfortable about the arrangements (the mum of one of the girls).

You need to be honest with your son and explain why some parents may consider boys/girls of their age group sharing a room, is inappropriate. It's a situation that was always going to come up sooner rather than later. Explain it in the context of a school residential trip, he would be accommodated in a room share with other boys, and wouldn't be able to share with girls. Reassure him that the birthday girl is still his friend, and he hasn't done anything wrong.

We are not trying to raise boys to see girls as friends. We should be raising them to see girls as independently valuable beings worthy of privacy and respect, irrespective of their relationship with them.

"Ds, girls mature earlier than boys and their bodies start changing sooner, which means they may become uncomfortable sharing their spaces with boys. One of the girls feels like this and we need to respect that. I'm sorry you're disappointed, but it would be a shame for you to miss out altogether. You can still go for pizza and films if you like. Let me know what you'd like to do."

Dd is 9 and has started to develop breasts. She wouldn't be comfortable attending a sleepover that included a boy, but is more than happy to play together/ eat together/ watch films together. Both her father and brother respect her right to privacy.

I'd be really sad about this too. And in the host parent's position there is no way I would uninvite a guest who has done nothing wrong. I'd certainly gently explain to the upset parent that they are welcome to decline the invitation on their daughter's behalf but excluding a lad from his friends at this late date is horrifyingly rude, and sends a really shitty message.

Aren't we trying to raise boys to see girls as friends?

No it wouldn’t. If I had been stupid enough to originally allow a boy to be invited I’d be honestly open it was a mistake boys shouldn’t be sleeping in the same space as unrelated girls full stop. I wouldn’t be pandering to a boys feelings over a girls for a sleep over.

mum was stupid for allowing the invite full stop but I’ll alway back girls privacy and safety over a boys feelings for not going to a party and I have both sexes.

We had mixed sex sleepovers through secondary with 2 male friends. We didn’t know it at the time (our parents possibly did!) but one turned out to be gay and the other asexual. Not all boys are any sort of a threat.

However, without knowing your lad, it’s impossible to say how he comes across to the other parents. Such a shame that he has to miss out just due to his sex/gender.

It’s more likely the situation that the girls mother said she wouldn’t be attending the sleepover bit if it was mixed sex and the birthday girl (and her friends) on balance probably preferred the girl there over OP’s son for a girls birthday sleepover so has disinvited the son. I doubt very much that the other mother has forced the boy to be disinvited.

As well as for privacy and puberty reasons, having a boy there can change the dynamic of a girls sleepover just like a woman turning up for her best friends stag do would. They might be perfectly lovely but at that age, things just aren’t the same. The birthday girl might not care either way but she might be old enough now that she is starting to want what her same sex peers want and now wants the dynamic and aesthetic of the teen girl sleepover which is a right of passage and a coming of age event!

As another poster said, the hosting mum naively probably didn’t realise/misjudged that quite a lot of parents would think a mixed sex sleepover is inappropriate at that age and that dynamics of things change a bit when kids hit teen age and is now starting to think about social conventions and norms a bit more. It protects everyone. She might have taken this an opportunity to knock mixed-sex sleepovers on the head as has come to a realisation when she has to consider the feelings of both other parents and her daughter’s female friends.

I don’t understand why this is a difficult conversation to have with your son. You’re the one making it onto a big deal. Just tell him the adults have all decided that everyone is too old for mixed-sex sleepovers now and that the girls might want to spend some girl time together on this occasion and that he can invite the birthday girl round for pizza and a film another time if he wants. Why do you have to frame it as the birthday girl doesn’t like him when it’s not true? Thats ridiculous. It’s a completely valid reason for not attending a sleepover. It’s a shame the hosting mother didn’t consider the situation before the invite, but it is what it is now.

Ava you really are out of order for telling your mum that you’ve gotten to an age where something makes you uneasy about sharing a bedroom with a male peer. Or maybe you didn’t say anything directly but your mum picked up on your discomfort but still.

You really should suppress these gut feelings and make sure the wants and needs of boys are completely prioritised at your own expense.

Your need to have boundaries as you enter puberty is unreasonable and unnecessary and look how all these boy mums are upset by your actions you silly selfish girl.

That would be a sensible solution. I don't think mixed sleepovers at that age is a good idea at all.

read my posts i've never said otherwise

I'm pretty certain that if the party mum and the concerned mum had been the ones to have to break the bad news to this lad, they'd not have pushed this, and would somehow have found a way around it via more supervision or DS moving to another room when it was actually sleep time.

They're relying on OP to do their dirty work, which is pretty crappy of them both.

I just think it would be harder for him to hear it from her, than it would be for her to say it.