Should we pay for daughter's celebratory meal

Since I posted, it transpired that both Mum and Dad are delighted with the marriage, which makes Dads reluctance to pay even more odd! I agree though, the op and the mean husband should have a proper chat.

Yeah… your husband is weird? My mum and I aren’t massively close, she doesn’t have loads of spare cash either. After I got married alone, no guests she sent me £2,000 as a gift 🥲

I am going to just take the OP at her word that they can comfortably afford this and accept that the DH isn't worried about affordability, because obviously if something is beyond budget, it is beyond budget.

But assuming that, I have to say I see a lot of this sort of thing on MN - usually house deposit threads, so a lot more money involved - and posters saying they could afford to but why should they. I get that if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. But I'm meaning the threads where they say they can, but it still seems to be a big nail chew. Ditto inheritance.

DH and I tend to view money as something we can do for our family. Ok, we look after ourselves along the way, and for some people I do understand there is nothing more after that. But this attitude that some people have that they wouldn't leave money to their dc etc, in those cases, what do they see the money as being for? Once you have what you need and a decent taste of what you want, surely there isn't any delight in having it line your coffin? I know some people think children aren't "entitled," (very dirty word!) and no, I wouldn't say they are absolutely entitled, but equally, what else do you really want it for? I look at savings primarily as something they will benefit from, something to keep the wolf from their door, or give them enhanced experiences or security. Once you have that yourself, why wouldn't you want that for them?

I mean, in this case, what is the DH hoping to use it for that would bring him more satisfaction than celebrating his child's seemingly happy match?

Of course you pay for the meal! It should be a pleasure, but your DH is being a mean arse.

I took it as in context of what they could have paid out then it wasn't much money. Obviously the cost of a meal for 9 is a how much is a piece of stryung argument but realistically it's going to nowhere near as much as it would have cost to attend a wedding and the OP has clearly indicated they can afford the cost.

I think it would be very nice of you to pay and don't understand your husband's reluctance.
Just do it!

She says our daughter so assume it’s her father,

op is this as it’s all your family and not his?

I couldn't agree more. A wedding is ultimately about two people making a legal, public declaration of commitment to each other and it's how they want to do this that matters.

OP, please come back and answer everyone’s question: Why doesn’t he want to pay!

Regardless, just pay for it yourself. Your daughter need never know that your husband objected. Just spend from your joint account, you shouldn’t really need his permission.

I’m guessing he’s her Step- father? Although an incredibly brave but foolish one, if he’s refusing his wife’s request to pay for a meal to celebrate her daughters marriage! 😬

Yes but PP didn’t say that. A meal for 9 adults is still going to be a significant amount of money . They can afford it but that doesn’t mean it’s not a lot of money!

My daughter got married abroad, just the two of them. We paid for the whole wedding/holiday.

It would not occur to me to do anything other than pay for this special occasion for a child of mine.

Ahh then I'm with the majority - tell him to be grateful he's saved the cost of a traditional 'bride pays' wedding and to stop being tight!

Based on that, yes, I think an offer to pay for the celebratory meal would be a lovely thing to do. Your husband seems a bit mean for refusing ... I'd press him to reconsider.

Sounds lovely. I wonder if this dad needs talking to and reminding that its not up to him, is my point.

were you invited to the wedding op?

Hi op if you can afford it I would definitely do it they have saved you all money technically by doing it this way no new outfits spending money etc. just do it.

Oh, I would really hate to be married to a tight-arse! It must be exhausting?

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all but, as another woman who's been married for a long time, I wouldn't advise either paying for the dinner against your husband's wishes OR meekly submitting to his wishes at the expense of your own, but finding a compromise.

First, have you asked him why he's against this and what would make him okay with it?

Or agree to disagree and meet somewhere in the middle. If he doesn't want to pay to celebrate something he wasn't invited to, for example (which I wouldn't do myself but also can follow the reasoning on) then what about buying them something nice for their home instead? Or if he just thinks it's too much money to spend on a meal for a couple who's already married, can you settle on a less expensive restaurant or have everyone over a donner at your home instead?

Etcetera. You've been married for forty years so I'm sure you'll be able to navigate this!

Some people seem to have different family habits. I would expect to pay for my kids but my husband would also say no. We'd still probably do it but it wouldn't be his instinct to pay.

Wow, did you even read fhe op?

hell would freeze over before my DH would let our kids pay for a meal out with us, and in this scenario it's unconscionable not to!!

I guess as the father of the bride he has already paid for the wedding abroad, no doubt also travel and accommodation for various family members. Perhaps its just one thing too much, and they can cover this small thing themselves, given he has already paid for so much.

*nb: the sarcasm directed here at this prince amoung men is heavy

If you’re struggling for money you could offer to pay the couples and your own and every one else pays theirs ?

Has he given any explanation for this attitude?

In the absence of further reasons, he seems like a right tight arse.