AIBU to struggle with having to hide my genuine opinions about colleagues at work?

If she won't stop with the comments about your messy desk roll your eyes and say not this again. If she does it again say give it a rest and turn your back away from her. And don't say any more.

Stop overthinking, life is too short.

1. You ask her politely why she's so bothered by your desk, as nobody else has ever commented. Try to avoid comments about her being OCD unless you want a bit of confrontation to liven up the day.
2. Listen to her answer. If it's because part of your desk mess is affecting her desk or office performance, then tidy up that bit of desk and ask her what she saw on telly last night. If it's not actively impinging on anyone, end here. If it is, proceed to step 3.
3. Tidy up the rest of your desk while she is telling you about what she saw on telly last night. Hopefully, by the time she moves onto handbags, you'll have finished tidying.

How would you feel if everyone disliked you for small reasons and constantly made that plain? I would imagine self conscious, anxious, stressed and unable to do your job. It's about consideration for others and helping everyone be the best they can be. It seems arrogant and cruel to think that your minor irritations are worth hurting people for. Just push back on the desk comments so you aren't perceived as a push over. Your colleague should show you respect too.

The only utterance in these situations is Hmm, no eye contact, no further interactions, just Hmm, it doesn't take long to shut someone up who isn't managing to get a rise from you, they hate it! Passive aggression is the best sort in these situations.

What a brilliant post @FillerTrackOnTheAlbumOfLife

Everyone has to filter their thoughts about colleagues, Neuro diverse or not.

I'm autistic and about to come to the end of a 45 year career. I'm afraid you are going to have to accept that being diplomatic and polite oils the mechanics of all interpersonal relationships, including those at work. But there will be variations in workplaces - in my last 15 years I've worked in a very nerdy technical team where pretty much everyone is autistic to some degree and we've all jogged along despite the odd argument and outburst. So alongside learning to mask (yes it's exhausting, but do it anyway) very well, I'd suggest finding the right environment for you.

It's pretty much the same at school.

1. How do you work alongside people you genuinely dislike without feeling you're constantly pretending?

I mostly have colleagues and not work friends - that’s fine. I have accepted I don’t have to like them all but I am polite. I do feel I am pretending but I accept that’s part of working with people. yes it’s hard.

1. Is it acceptable to be polite but emotionally distant, rather than friendly?

absolutely! Polite is required, but I’m not spending time engaging on topics I don’t care about.

1. How do you set boundaries with colleagues who irritate you without creating conflict?

depends what they irritate me about. If it’s work then we have to find a way to work together. If it’s about a messy desk I’d say something like “I wonder why my desk bother you so much? It works for me.” And then I would ignore every other comment or question on it. If they continue to raise it, that’s rude so I get to ignore it.

1. How do other autistic people cope with the expectation to filter their genuine opinions at work?

its hard and its tiring. I accept the pp’s point about lying not being the same as saying nothing but saying nothing / filtering facial expressions and body language etc is hard work! I accept that being around people can be tough and I am not very social in my free time.

1. How do you distinguish between being authentic and being unnecessarily blunt?

and yes, I am ND. It’s hard OP - I feel you.

We all mask to a certain extent at work.
We go to work to make money. We wouldn't (well I certainly wouldn't) be there if we didn't need money.
I have a work mode and personal mode and I don't need those two modes to intertwine.
I think it's easy for me as I am a people manager so when I enter work I have my manager hat on and when I leave it comes off. I manage people I wouldn't like in the outside world but it doesn't matter because it's my job to manage them and ensure their welfare at work is taken care of and that's it.

Just be professional and kind with it

This isn't unique to autism. Pretty much everyone has colleagues they don't like, but in order for the workplace to function properly, colleagues need to often hide their true feelings and be professional. People appear to find that more and more difficult.

It's nothing to do with your "authentic self". You just have to suck it up and be an adult.

This is one of the things I struggled with when I started working and still sometimes think about today. In my normal life, if I dislike someone I just don’t engage with them but in work you have to, and be pleasant etc. you’re not alone in the struggle!

I am what I would consider to be my authentic self at work. But part of my authenticity is my belief that I don’t need to express every thought I’m having no matter the situation or the consequences. If I did express every inner thought, I would be a very difficult colleague.

Isn’t part of having autism about learning social norms and how to cope with them? My daughter is autistic and at 17 she has been working on that part for a long time. She struggled with it previously and had a terrible time at school. Now she has worked out how to balance being her own personality and not blurting every inner thought, she is having an absolute blast with a great group of friends. She hasn’t had to change who she is, just learn how to be socially proficient.

Your employer is not only paying you for your time, skills, experience and output but also for your professionalism.
Not everyone will like everyone they work with but we are required as part of employment requirements to remain professional and polite. That’s how it works. It’s that simple really.

What would it benefit you, or your colleagues, for them to know you deeply dislike them? Part of life is being able to get along with people you might not choose to associate with but need to for whatever reason. That does mean not being your “authentic” self, because for most people that would lead to really unpleasant behaviour at times. It’s an important life skill to be able to make enough small talk to ease communication and collaboration at work. You don’t need to be emotionally invested in her handbags, and you can roll your eyes when she comments about your mess, maybe consider there are things she doesn’t say to you because they would be hurtful or unprofessional.

You bring your professional self to work, your authentic self is for friends and family.

This is so useful, it should be handed to every new recruit and pinned up in every office kitchen 🙏

It certainly does!

You don’t need to bring anything more than inane good manners. You don’t need to be your ‘authentic self’. I know it’s exhausting (I’m neurodiverse myself), but it’s a part of working life. If you’re really struggling then of course you could look for something else, but now isn’t a great time to be doing that and, besides, there’s going to be an element of this everywhere you go. Your other option is just to say what you think, but you’re likely to be regarded as hostile and antagonistic, which is also going to be an exhausting thing for you to deal with.

My DH is autistic and frequently tells me how painful he finds it that nobody knows how much he despises them, and how unfair and exhausting it is that he’s expected to work so hard to spare them the knowledge of his deep dislike.

He doesn’t believe me when I tell him that most people don’t go around all the time boiling over with intolerable loathing for the people around us.

He thinks people who manage to be polite and friendly are liars and hypocrites, and that his burning desire to let people know how much he dislikes him makes him a better quality of person with greater integrity.

He will not contemplate the possibility that other people might not go through life as he does, utterly wracked with rage about the presence on earth of others who might not agree with him about everything, share his exact opinions and interests, and celebrate his messiness and squalor for the evidence of high intelligence and creativity he knows it to be.

I find this an unpleasant worldview, and fairly exhausting and depressing to be around.

I don’t know what you do about it, if you dislike everyone to this extent and it pains you so much not to tell people.

To be fair if the OP was going to say anything she would have, rather than starting these threads.

1. How do you work alongside people you genuinely dislike without feeling you're constantly pretending?

You have to be comfortable with the idea it's OK not to like everyone you work with, but it's not OK to be unprofessional. Other human beings, whether you like them or not, are deserving of civility and courtesy unless they themselves breach that rule. So you tell yourself you are displaying the same civility and courtesy to a colleague by being pleasant, that you would display to a stranger you'd never met.

1. Is it acceptable to be polite but emotionally distant, rather than friendly?

'Friendly' and 'emotionally distant' aren't mutually exclusive. You can make pleasant conversation without getting emotionally involved. If they're showing off expensive purchases or whatever, just nod and say something neutral such as 'I'm glad you found a bag you liked' or if there is something you genuinely admire about it, you can say so such as 'that's a nice colour' or 'that's a handy size for work'.

1. How do you set boundaries with colleagues who irritate you without creating conflict?

Best to indicate you have things to get on with, in a conversation closing sort of tone. "Right, I need to get my head down now." "Best get on now, I've got lots to do this afternoon"

1. How do other autistic people cope with the expectation to filter their genuine opinions at work?

I will try to explain it like this. Have you ever seen a film where someone is e.g. given a truth serum or there is some other reason why it's impossible to lie? Usually for comic effect. E.g. Liar Liar, The Invention of Lying? Those films always slightly irritate me because they mistake the concept of being unable to lie for the concept of being forced to blurt out every random thought that comes into your head. They ignore the fact that saying nothing is not 'lying'. That's how you filter your opinions - if the opinion is likely to cause offence, don't air it,

1. How do you distinguish between being authentic and being unnecessarily blunt?

Despite many workplaces blithely saying they want you to be 'authentic' - actually they don't. If everyone was authentic - and I include neurotypical people in 'everyone' it would create absolute chaos. Don't say things unnecessarily that are likely to cause offence or distress - I don't mean that you should avoid difficult work-related conversations, sometimes if it is work-related it's better to be direct - I'm talking about social interactions. "If you haven't got anything pleasant to say, stay quiet' is a good rule socially, also "Don't get involved" when it comes to gossip or potentially loaded conversations about politics, sex, money - that kind of thing.

lol! Doormat? No. And OP is hardly a doormat, she appears to have many judgmental opinions of said colleague. Accepting that you won’t like all your colleagues and that they won’t like you, but being blandly polite, isn’t being a doormat, in any way.

My autistic DD has adopted the phrase, "you fo you, hun". It's about finding ways to either change the subject or zone out. You can state that you aren't interested in handbags. Then talk about something that you do like. You don't have to put up with being talked at.
You just tell her your desk suits you. I just get people talking about themselves, do they celebrate Halloween/Christmas etc. NTs fake it as well.

Yes but your advice of 'live and let live' is for OP to be a doormat and not say anything.