AIBU to struggle with having to hide my genuine opinions about colleagues at work?

Oh god. If I took my authentic self (whatever that is) to work I would need a HR department of my own!

Just go to work, make pleasant small talk, keep your head down and go home. We all have someone we don't like as much in work, and wouldn't socialise outside of work with them, as they're not our cup of tea. That's life. Doesn't mean you have to be rude to them.

God, he sounds absolutely awful!

How does he manage to ‘ despise and hate ‘ so many people?

Does he realise that people may think the same about him?

Your employers, and your colleagues, do not want you to bring your ‘authentic self’ to work, no matter what they might espouse. They want only for the workplace to run smoothly, the work to get done and to go home. Many of them probably judge & dislike you as much as you judge & dislike them. Everything you’ve described is just the same for non-autistic people. We all have colleagues we just don’t mesh with. You’re not a better person than they are.

So, yes, you do have to bring good manners to work. You can ask this woman to stop commenting about your desk without being rude. Practice in front of a mirror if need be.

I'm autistic BTW.

You can't be your authentic self at work OP. Not in most jobs.

I am not good at working with people I dislike either.

In your situation I might ask to have an informal meeting with your manager and tell them that you are finding it really distracting that this woman keeps coming over and criticising your workspace and trying to talk about random non work topics while you are trying to work and it's starting to become a bit of an issue for you. Tell them that you are autistic and so you do understand that some people would not mind, that you are finding the frequency of it and the personal nature of the comments to be stressful now and you were wondering if they had ideas or how to handle it without seeming rude, or would they speak to her.

How do these men manage to find spouses?

I've always masked with certain colleagues. Certainly with bosses.

One of the worst things employers have done in recent years is pretend they want you to bring your authentic self to work. No one wants to see that and HR departments all over the country are dealing with the fall out. You need to bring your most professional self to work. Maybe some introspection is needed OP - what do you do that is annoying the hell out colleagues and how would you feel if they said it to your face under the guise of bringing their whole self to work?

As others had said, I do not believe that this is autism specific, though as someone with ADHD I do sympathise.

Regardless of the fairness of the situation, we live in a society which has specific rules and expectations around how we do and do not behave.

Many years ago I struggled deeply with restraining myself from saying things to people, regardless of how offensive it was. I was generally seen as difficult, offensive, and rather hard work.

Over the years , I have come to realise that my comfort does not trump social expectations. Now , I keep my mouth shut unless I have something polite to say. Whilst this is not necessarily who I am as a person , I also understand the needs to behave in ways which foster good will.

I do not believe that having autism or other mental health or neurodivergence gives people a free pass to speak their mind without consequence. It is really difficult for people that have neurodivergence , and at the same the world will not cater for us.

I also understand that it is not my given right to tell people when I don't like them, and the reasons why. I had to work on my mind and my thoughts around other people opposed to expecting other people to conform to my demands and expectations.

This is how I tackled it...

1. I noticed my unpleasant feelings arise when I saw or heard specific people.
2. I would ask myself what my mind is telling me about the person and whether this is based on reality.
3. I would use the acronym THINK before speaking... will the words coming out of my mouth be truthful, helpful, interesting, necessary, and kind. If not , I tend not to say it now.
4. I remind myself that everyone else is suffering as much as I am in their own ways and try to remember that we have similarities as well as differences.
5. I always try to bring about good will, and compassion towards others , but this requires active reminding myself and going against my urge to tell people off at times!

I hope that this is makes sense, and that it is helpful in some way. From my experience , most people dislike at least one or two people in their workplace , and we all have to make a conscious effort to be polite , courteous and civil , even in the face of these individuals.

Personally, I probably was the person that people didn't like that much! So I have to have compassion for those that irritate me!

And yes, everyone has to learn this. NT people may make it look natural but there’s work behind it for most people.

I don't believe any of us get to be our 'authentic selves' in workplace settings. We just have to find ways to bite our lips quite a lot of the time. It is definitely exhausting but it's just life.

How do you work alongside people you genuinely dislike without feeling you're constantly pretending?
I do feel like I’m constantly pretending, but I accept that this is the expectation at the workplace, there is an expectation to be professional and to work with colleagues and clients even if they’re not people I would want to socialise with in real life. That said, where I can I do avoid entering too much unnecessary talk with people I dislike and whilst I am polite I also try not to engage in a way that could be too encouraging, I keep any non work related interactions short and clipped.

Is it acceptable to be polite but emotionally distant, rather than friendly?
Yes, I think so, this is what I do with people I find it hard work to be around. I am polite but I don’t engage in unnecessary personal conversations, I never ask them about their weekends or family etc, I keep conversations to work only and if they try to engage in that kind of conversation I don’t give enough back for the conversation to continue on.

How do you set boundaries with colleagues who irritate you without creating conflict?
As above, I just don’t give much back and I find that usually if somebody isn’t getting anything back from me they give up putting effort in on their side and the relationship soon becomes polite, professional talk only.

How do other autistic people cope with the expectation to filter their genuine opinions at work?
I find I can separate my work self from my personal self most of the time, I don’t feel like I need to bring my genuine opinions into work unless they are about work related issues. I don’t hide my real, genuine opinions about work related issues, if I disagree with a strategy or initiative I will state this in the relevant forum even if it goes against the grain. I don’t struggle to filter out my genuine opinions about personal things because I don’t engage in personal talk with people who I dislike or don’t align with at work, I keep it professional. I don’t see a difference between needing to filter myself to colleagues and needing to do it to clients. It is exhausting of course but I accept that is part of work and I assume non autistic people have to do this as well.

How do you distinguish between being authentic and being unnecessarily blunt?
I’m not sure, but I only raise my opinion in work related conversations so I don’t think it matters if I’m overly blunt as the things I criticise are nothing personal, nobody should take it personally if I bluntly outline my opinions regarding a suggested strategy/ initiative etc at work. I don’t engage in conversations about personal matters so I don’t need to give an opinion at all.

We all have to navigate this. Detach, put on a friendly professional front. Sometimes you really gel with colleagues, sometimes not. The work needs doing and a pleasant atmosphere maintaining- to enable the work to run smoothly- regardless.

No.2 polite but detached is ok up to point. You do need to connect a little bit too, find small pleasantries, perspectives or experiences you can share to bond with people. Aloofness creates discomfort, people feel watched and judged.

You can also politely and cheerfully say ‘not really my thing’ about handbags, without being rude. Similarly ‘we’re all different!’ or ‘takes all sorts!’ about messiness vs tidiness.

No-one wants your opinion on their lifestyle, just as you don’t want theirs. It’s irrelevant to the situation.

You do need to create some ‘presence’ for yourself, so you can assert boundaries cheerfully. Otherwise people will view you as a blank canvas and probe / overstep as a way of finding out who you are, goading a response. Not nice but true. Very different from inviting your opinion of them.

No-one is their authentic self at work - it would be impossible to run a business 😂 You can't go around telling colleagues you find them insufferable or that they're morons/narcissists/whatever. Just get on with your job, be pleasant but non-committal about anything you're not interested in, and accept that you're not at work to make friends.

It makes the day go much easier if you can have a chat and find some common ground, but it's not essential. Also, there's always been someone everywhere I've worked who I cannot stand. That's just life.

I'm autistic and I agree with every word of this.

In particular the idea of being your authentic self everywhere is such a crock of shit. I know it is pushed in almost every autistic space out there but we cannot just go around being our authentic cells everywhere because everyone you meet is filtering themselves to some extent.

You need to be polite and civil but you don't have to have conversations that you don't want to so you need to find phrases that you use to close down conversations or stop your colleague commenting on you.

But the reality is as an autistic person working in a mainly neurotypical world you will need to do a lot of masking if you want to fit in and get on.

I tend to have very little to do with people who I find irritating at work. Sit next to other people when you eat. Smile blandly when they say stupid things and then carry on with your work. Don’t chitchat to them.

I think some introspection works well.

Ask yourself, how would you feel if people at work who don’t like you, told you? It works both ways and I’m sure they feel similarly. So if you’d rather them be kind, then offer them the same.

Exactly. Just crack on. And don’t think you are so special you have to utter your every passing thought. These are people with their own feelings and struggles, just like you. You don’t have to like them. You should treat them with respect.

I have worked with people I find irritating. But I'm sure that lots of people probably find me irritating. It's work, you don't choose to be with work colleagues but you have to get on with it. Probably she finds your messy desk as irritating as you find her handbag talk. One of the things you get paid for is being professional and part of that is rubbing along with people you work with. I don't take my authentic self to work, I take my professional self. So I suppose in answer to some of your questions I would say you have to be polite and just recognise that you will have a better relationship with some colleagues than others. That's perfectly fine, just smile and get on with your work.

I don't make friends with co workers and I keep everything very surface level, polite and professional. Learned that years ago. Works for me.

I had a colleague who formed significant friendships with other colleagues then at some point there would be a huge falling out. It happened repeatedly. I sat next to her for nearly 10 years and never fell out with her.

Towards the end of my time at that company someone asked how I had never fallen out with her. My answer: because that was part of my job.

I wasnt at work to make friends, I was there to do a job. Part of that job was not falling out with people. My employer did not need my opinions on anything other than my work.

There is loads of guidance on this online. But basically stick to good manners. You don't need to be her friend, so smile and nod and move on to work related issues. And tidy your desk, its poor manners and potential breaching your data protection rules.

www.waldenu.edu/programs/business/resource/five-ways-to-handle-working-with-someone-you-cant-stand

You need to download Neurotypical Translator v 2.1

Type in your natural response, eg.

“Please stop commenting about MY desk. It is MINE you useless materialistic piece of human nonsense. Your constant irritating comments make me want to chop up your Chanel handbag and send you the bits in the internal post. Fucktard.”

And it will return:

”Please stop commenting about my desk. It does not impact your work and it is none of your business.”

If only that existed 😂 - sympathies, they sound really annoying!

I’m not sure I’m my authentic self with anyone tbh. I’m kind of different versions of myself with different people. Aren’t we all to a certain extent?

I think you can be polite but honest. If you have no interest in the subject of conversation you can try to make a remark to close it down.

If she comments on your desk being messy pretend laugh and say "ah yes, I like working in chaos. We're all different aren't we?"

If she starts another conversation about handbags just say on repeat "handbags arent really my thing; I just shove my phone and keys in my pocket". Or say "nice" if she shows you a new bag and go back to looking at your computer.