AIBU to struggle with having to hide my genuine opinions about colleagues at work?

Out of interest, how would you feel if people were extremely blunt regarding what they disliked about you?

In a world without social niceties, would you be fine with a colleague saying ‘I find you awkward and boring, please go away’? Possibly even multiple colleagues?

Perhaps you could also think about the difference between 'not liking someone' and 'disliking' them. Two very different things. The first sounds like your feelings for this colleague from what you say. You don't have much in common and you wouldn't be friends with her outside of work. That describes 95% of us with our colleagues at work. It doesn't make them bad people or difficult to work with, even though it can be irritating at times. You go in, do your job, go home. Same as them.

Disliking someone is a more active emotion. They have done or said things that are nasty or unpleasant towards you (messy desk observation is really not enough for this).

I don't like cucumber. I never buy cucumbers, I wouldn't choose to eat them, but if there happens to be a small amount of cucumber included in a salad I otherwise like, okay, I can swallow the stuff. I'm never going to say 'yum' but it doesn't kill me

I very much dislike prawns. Nary a prawn will ever pass my lips. If I accidentally ate a prawn I'd try to discretely spit it into a napkin or swallow as quickly as I could without chewing it. The taste would ruin whatever I was eating for me. Yuk!!! I'd probably shudder a bit.

Work for all of us is full of cucumbers and very few prawns in a lifetime. Don't escalate something unimportant. It'll just make you miserable.

My questions are:

1. How do you work alongside people you genuinely dislike without feeling you're constantly pretending?

A lot of people are pretending a lot of the time at work: you're playing a role that's required of you. Maybe frame it as you're an actor playing a part. It's very normal and part of rubbing along with other people in society. Most of us don't get to choose our colleagues.

1. Is it acceptable to be polite but emotionally distant, rather than friendly?

Yes. You're there to do a job. As long as you meet the requirements of the job, no one is going to expect you to go overboard. That said, in some jobs being superficially friendly goes quite a long way in building trust, it's not that difficult to throw people a few pleasantries now and then. At minimum just smile, be polite, respectful and occasionally ask people questions about themselves. Nobody wants you to hang out with them at weekends.

1. How do you set boundaries with colleagues who irritate you without creating conflict?

You ignore them. I have a colleague who has a lot of irritating personal habits: he talks to himself and laughs at unfunny jokes to prompt people to ask what he's laughing at, endlessly discusses his family life at work when no one is interested. I tune him out about 80% of the time and then every now and then ask him a token question about what his nieces and nephews are studying at university to keep him happy.

1. How do other autistic people cope with the expectation to filter their genuine opinions at work?

You just keep your opinions to yourself: it's not that difficult. I don't think autistic people have a monopoly on sometimes having to keep their mouths shut. Multiple times a day I feel like telling people they are talking bollocks and I'm NT. You just have a bit of self-discipline and go without.

1. How do you distinguish between being authentic and being unnecessarily blunt?

See answer above. I don't think anyone needs to be "authentic" at work unless they are with genuine friends. Just keep it to yourself.

AIBU to find this aspect of working life so frustrating? And what practical strategies would you recommend?

I think most people find this aspect of working life frustrating. It's just a case of practice makes perfect.

You can always come on here and let off steam.
I used to have to keep a neutral face at an appalling thick, bigoted colleague. She peaked when she breezily said she took points for her husband speeding so he didn't get a ban. A braver colleague spoke up and pointed out that was against the law, she went very quiet. She also voted for brexit but had never voted before. Awful woman.

How have you not snapped and committed murder?

Exactly this. A lot of ND people have been mollycoddled into remaining rigid in their world views and behaviours, instead of encouraged to be open to new experiences.

Just tell her that that's how you like your desk to look and that it doesn’t bother you at all. Maybe think about looking for a new job but there’s no guarantee that that would be any better.

Could have written that myself. Or asked AI to 😉. Employers claim they want people to be their authentic selves but that's not true. But it isn't just you struggling. Everyone is. So you're not alone and that should provide you with comfort. The colleague you described is obviously struggling with you as much as you are with her. It sounds like she's being more authentic than you though. So, just match her energy. The next time she criticises you: tell her to put in an official complaint and leave you alone. Tell her you're not interested in whatever it is she's talking about. Work is the same as any other social setting: it's a popularity contest. You don't have to participate though. Do your job and accept that you'll not be everyone's cup of tea. Consider being self-employed.

I don't think a lot of ND are able to see this point of view. It's mostly about them and how they want things done.
Many ND will claim they are being bullied at work if people are honest about them In the same way they would like to behave.

Everybody struggles with this. Think about how many programmes include an annoying co-worker as a scene- there’s loads. For example in Friends, there’s an episode where Monica is turned off by her boyfriend Chandler’s work laugh. This is an exaggerated laugh he does when his boss cracks a joke. What I’m saying is that everybody is performing at work and not their authentic selves. Even the self employed will have a superior to answer toll to eg customers so not their true selves.

You were hired because of the cv version of you. Your work rightly doesn’t care about anything deeper than that. Even with family, people aren’t fully their authentic selves unless they want to argue lots. Your romantic partners will be more interested in the real you as knowing the real you is real intimacy.

It is tiresome dealing with annoying co-workers. I wouldn’t have a clue or interest in designer handbags either so I wouldn’t be able to
contribute to that conversation or I’d have a reply like “my money goes on holidays” to end the conversation quickly. Yanbu to be annoyed about the deal comments I would say “Yes, I’m messy” and shrug. My workbench is also messy but I tidy before I go home and the mess isn’t food or anything like that so I don’t care what other people think tbh.

Nobody is being authentic at work. People aren’t fully their there because they need the money and being friendly with your co-workers makes things easier and the time pass quicker.

But without a laugh track!

If it helps, frame your 'authentic self' in terms of positive behaviours rather than negative thoughts. Hard-working, kind, efficient, intelligent, productive etc. The true parts of you that your employer is paying you to bring to work.

The fact that there are other parts of you that your employer definitely doesn't want at work isn't important - and everyone has these.

I think it's good to have interactions with people you wouldn't typically be friends with, otherwise you end up living in a bubble where you hear all similar opinions and only encounter certain personalities. Use it as a learning opportunity.
'what is it that you like about X designer handbags? I've always been curious about why certain brands can get people to spend 10 times more than another brand'
'Do you struggle with mess? I've always been quite messy, I find I work better when things aren't too ordered - it's interesting how people are all so different '

I.e. take out the emotion of whether you like the person/agree with them or not and see it as a learning opportunity to get to understand a different perspective.

Imagine how awful everything would be if we all just spoke our minds at all times.
Try to think about how you’d feel if people gave their honest opinions about you. If you wouldn’t like it, then don’t do it to them.
My DC already know to not say things to people that they would not like to have said to them.

You have to wonder if he is depressed as well. His world view seems to be very negative. You have my sympathies, it must be hard living with him.

I think this is good advice. I wouldn’t want to hear about someone’s handbags, either. It would bore the tits off me. But civility is a part of most jobs. Think of it as teamwork experience.

i really dislike my colleague's attitudes,
luckily i let it go over my head while they bitch

I would just smile and nod.

My authentic self is at best unemployable, and at worst should not be out unsupervised.

No one can be 100% authentic themselves at work.

It's one of the things ND people seem to claim the right to without accepting we all have to be professional grown ups at work not focused on ourselves but focus on work.

To make it more simple just think of it like this: part of your wages are paid for you to be polite, friendly and professional to your colleagues. If you can frame it that it's part of your job and you just have to do it then it's probably much easier to do.

Also, I thought having a messy desk was just "who I am" for years. Then we moved to hot destiny and have to clear our desk every day. It turns out I am perfectly capable of doing so once I make it a priority. I just need someone to make me do the same with my house now

As PP have pointed out, these dilemmas are not confined to the neurodivergent. They're part and parcel of working life for many people.

How do you work alongside people you genuinely dislike without feeling you're constantly pretending?

• I am there to be professional and get the job done. Getting along with people and finding the "good" in them is part of my job. It will also help me progress in my career. I can work with people who are very different from me and focus on their strengths and the good things they bring. I expect that's why I am highly valued at work and don't struggle to get promotions

Is it acceptable to be polite but emotionally distant, rather than friendly?

You don't need to be best friends but most people have something great about them if you take the time to get to know them. It's grim working in a cold and distant team. Remember you are building your professional network.

How do you set boundaries with colleagues who irritate you without creating conflict?

• I tend to just let it roll off me if they are a bit irritating. I expect I irritate people too.

How do other autistic people cope with the expectation to filter their genuine opinions at work?

• you need to be professional. I am assuming you would manage not to be rude to a customer. I would also try and see things from other people's point of view

How do you distinguish between being authentic and being unnecessarily blunt?

I always think about how what I say might land with the other person
I also remember they might be fighting all kinds of battles I don't even know about

I am there to get the job done and be part of creating a team that works well together.

Sounds like Basil Fawlty tbh.