AIBU to struggle with having to hide my genuine opinions about colleagues at work?

I think this is well-meaning advice, but neurodiverse people need to be very careful with meditation. It is very triggering for many of us. Not saying it’s a total no-no, but it can be very distressing.

Nobody at work wants to see or gives a shit about your authentic self.
They want you to come in, do your job, and leave.

My adult sons are both autistic, as am I, and I understand how hard it can be but I promise you that you are unimportant in other people's stories. You are only central in your own.

In a work environment you are there to get your job done.

This is best achieved by having a good working relationship with your colleagues.

You do this by performing the appropriate social dances.

Keep your authentic self to your personal life, where it is wanted, needed and relevant.

Spot on!

Yes. Good manners are armour. They protect you and keep your inner workings invisible. Annoying people bounce of them painlessly, smiling.

"sorry I need to get on with work" is quite a good way to stop annoying conversations.

Find the other autistic people at work so you can have a moan about the people/things that annoy you together. Very few autistic people can be their authentic self at work, unfortunately. But it's a nice thing to bond over.

For your first question, perhaps a mindset shift would help: Treating an annoying person civilly and being polite isn’t pretending. It’s just being a decent person.

Imagine if someone started being snippy with you and when asked why they were being unkind they said “well i don’t like her so why should I be nice”. Youd think that was unfair, right? We all come across people who get on our nerves but generally we still treat them well. Not because we’re pretending, but because it would be awfully entitled to think our feelings are a justification to act rudely to a person and ruin their day (or worse, affect their self esteem).

So please go ahead and put in boundaries- she sounds like a PITA. But don’t think of it as pretending or being inauthentic when you make polite conversation because it’s just you taking steps to ensure your presence doesn’t upset someone, which Im sure authentically reflects your values.

You have to accept those feelings are there but you can't act on them at work or you'd risk a disciplinary. Plenty of people in the workplace don't necessarily have positive feelings about their colleagues in the workplace, but nobody wants to loose their job, so they ignore their feelings and get on with their job and are polite to people as is expected.

1. How do you work alongside people you genuinely dislike without feeling you're constantly pretending? I see what they bring to the job that I can't. So I see value even though I don't want to spend my breaks with them. Respect I suppose.
2. Is it acceptable to be polite but emotionally distant, rather than friendly?Yes! In Danish we say personable rather than private, so nice enough without sharing everything and becoming besties.
3. How do you set boundaries with colleagues who irritate you without creating conflict? Confrontation doesn't need to be drama. Eg Christian, that might have been true a couple of years ago, but it isn't the case now, and I'd like you to stop those comments. No blame, just a request, no tone.
4. How do other autistic people cope with the expectation to filter their genuine opinions at work? I use chatgpt to filter to business language. Also the thing that is great about our team is that we all value our differences, so differing opinions are actually welcomed if phrased respectfully.
5. How do you distinguish between being authentic and being unnecessarily blunt? I really try to keep my voice level. State objective facts. And use chatgpt.

Right. This is about your emotional regulation, you becoming very emotional, very easily, in response to very little.

It’s nothing to do with opinions.

So, look for solutions to emotional dysregulation and anxiety. Breathing exercises, yoga, meditation, exercise. Adopt habits and techniques that help you feel calm and give you a sense of detachment, afford you a moment in which to gather yourself before responding.

Depends what you mean by ‘get lost’. You can politely let someone know you’re busy, brush off their intrusion or comment.

If you mean actually saying ‘get lost!’ That’s you directing a rude outburst at her, so would affect her, yes. It’s an act of verbal aggression. She’d be upset and think you were rude, horrible and not someone she wanted to work with.

She would care even less about your opinion, on anything, as a consequence.

If you ever encounter say a rude shop assistant , do you drag them out from behind the till and beat them repeatedly round the head with a tin of corned beef or do you just imagine doing it ? If the bus driver is unpleasant do you remove the claw clip from your hair and ram it into their eye socket or do you roll your eyes suck your teeth and sit down . It’s much the same principle , and it’s a universal struggle .

This, basically. Assuming you haven’t been called up for a disciplinary yet then it’s working. Is it exhausting? Yes. Particularly for those of us who aren’t neurotypical. But the alternative is not being able to function in the workplace.

You missed the key part, in a professional environment you are being paid to do a job, your personal feelings on your colleagues are irrelevant. You don’t pick who they are, they also are there to do a job.

so you need to be courteous and do your job. If someone says something that bothers you, ie about your desk, politely ask them to refrain from commenting, or tidy it if they have a point. If she wishes to discuss stuff you’re not interested in, politely excuse yourself, sorry I’m busy and can’t talk right now.

but your authentic self is not letting your colleagues know you dislike them. It is not school they are not your Mates.

How have you been pretending so far ? Keep doing that.

You don’t suppress the feelings, you accept them but you need to pretend so that you don’t end up being the one in a displinary. Some people are annoying and nobody can change that. You are stuck with them as long as their annoying behaviour doesn’t contravene company rules eg racism

Doesn’t work keep you busy? I’m slightly confused as to how you have so much time to dedicate to hyper-focusing on your feelings about others. I’ve usually been far too hyper-focused on my job. It’s always been in staff meetings and communal spaces (like at lunch) that I’ve struggled. I’ve always made a point of going out for lunch and never arriving early for a meeting. I can avoid a lot of BS that way.

It would affect you far more negatively, I think. There’s no law against being radically honest, OP, but people won’t want to work with you if you can’t display a passable amount of emotional intelligence. That’s just the way it is.

I think this is a crucial point. ‘Bringing your authentic self’ means not hiding who you’re in a relationship with, hiding your illnesses, family etc. It does not mean telling people exactly what you think of them.

I would say most people find navigating relationships and politics at work challenging a lot of the time, its not just you (or ND people in general), if we could just go to work and do the job, and crucially, rely on others to do their job, life would be so much simpler. Unfortunately, humans are messy, complicated and not always kind or thoughtful, so it's the area that can cause the most stress, but at the same time, I've had and still have, some lovely colleagues over the years who have become friends outside of work too. But in short, I would say its not really possible for most of us to be our authentic selves at work most of the time, being 'professional' being a mixture of tact, consideration for others and conscientiousness. I've managed several ND people, and had some interesting conversations about what's 'masking' and what's 'professionalism', its not easy.

Your opinion of your colleagues is only of interest to you. No one else cares what you think.

It is rather arrogant to consider yourself making a huge effort not to let people know what you think of them.

I worked with someone who was incredibly popular but was able to shut down conversation with some people instantly, it’s a real skill to do it in a way that people don’t seem to take offence by or even notice. Although at social work functions it was obvious to me she was discriminating about who she did and didn’t talk to but I don’t think I ever heard a bad word about her. She had elite level social skills. I wish I was able to do that but I just end up seeming rude if I shut down a conversation quickly.

Well there might well be people who really dislike you OP! Would you want a breakdown of your perceived faults and failings? Probably not. Everyone is in the same boat.

she is being rude about your desk- so I would address that, as other PP have suggested. Is it actually just messy with lots of papers etc or is it a bit grotty- dusty/used drinks cans/cups etc? If it’s the latter, that is unpleasant to work around and you should tidy it up.