My DH wants to move out because I washed the car I'm the wrong way

"... he freaked out saying I don't respect him as he only asked me "one thing" and it shows what I think of him ..."

I'd have answered that he had disrespected me first by expecting me to turn up at his parent's house in a dirty car and by not abiding by his agreement to wash it.

I would have left the car dirty but I get why you didn't. I think he should leave and if it moved the process along I would help him find a place as otherwise it won't happen. He may be ND but he is also controlling and unwilling to acknowledge fault. Not going to counselling is avoiding the issue and shows an unwillingness to take your views into account. He will become more controlling as your kids get older and the dynamics change - how they live, where they put their stuff, who they can (or can't) have over. If he is this 'rigid' he will not be able to flex as needed. In addition your kids are already on eggshells. They shouldn't have to watch what they say. Do it now while they are still young. It won't get any better.

Definitely get rid of him OP. He is going to wear you down.
You're 41. You have so much of your life left to live. You have one life, you don't get a do-over. If you stay with this awkward bastard you will regret it on your death bed. You deserve to someone who is going to clean the car and who will pull his weight with the kids, not sulk.

It isn't too late and it is only hard to get started. There is a very different life waiting for you. Don't spend your golden years with this buffoon.
You have so many big milestones ahead of you - the kids going off to uni/moving out, finding your freedom to travel and do whatever you like without having to sort childcare, possibly becoming a grandparent. You can do all this with someone who deserves you by your side.
I don't know what you're into OP, but I'm sure there must be things you're looking forward to doing and achieving, enjoying life.

Well maybe he should have washed the car himself like he said he would!! That’s on him.

He is allowed to be upset that you took the car to a car wash after he expressed concerns about it and asked you not to. I know people who feel this way and I am sure there is some truth in it but I cba. In fact I haven't cleaned my car since I bought it over 2 years ago (must do something about that).

Similarly a lot of people were concerned about covid to a greater or lesser extent. I washed my hands a lot, wiped down door handles and was happy not to mingle very much. That said I still had takeaways and didn't wash my shopping.

These two examples make him anxious but not abusive. How much are you prepared to tolerate that?

If you are unhappy in your marriage work and he won't meet you half way then by all means put plans in place to separate. Don't wait for him to suggest it when you are arguing though and then expect him to mean it. It sounds like neither of you are happy.

Yeah, this. He'd be told he's free to go.

Your husband is an immature man child. Ignore him until he snaps out of it.

Why on earth did you apologise to him? If he was so concerned about the car he could have washed it to his exacting standards himself.

Also why do you care what his parents think about the car? Did they pay for it or is it your/his/the families car and you could cover it in mud if you feel so inclined and it is really none of their business.

So, by this logic, surely the OP was unreasonable to go the car wash?

Because what she should have done is drive the muddy car to IL’s and say “Sorry the car is so filthy, I would have gone through the car wash on the way but Dave wants to hand wash it only but hasn’t got around to it yet”

Then it’s his fault, his parents, his mud. And if he doesn’t like that then you have a leg to stand on that you specifically acknowledged and obeyed his preferences.

For not reminding him to clean it, not cleaning it as he would prefer, embarrassing him in front of his parents (who may well also be used to working round his rigid thinking) by having a dirty car.

In my last sentence I was referring to those frequent threads where a man is being a dick (no evidence of any neurodiversity) and someone comes along and diagnoses him. Not this thread specifically, where there is an existing diagnosis being used as an excuse. But the end result is the same.

The point is, if he wants it done a certain way then he should do it himself. They are his judgemental parents, so it is his problem.

He's already been diagnosed by a professional. It's not the posters diagnosing him.

It’s absolutely wild.

You did choose the man OP, but you're also choosing your future with him if you stay. You have agency.

As a neurodiverse woman I think this is extremely unfair. My partner and I have a healthy, happy relationship, partly because I (like a great many neurodiverse women, actually) don’t let my neurodiversity become an excuse for a lack of personal accountability. If I couldn’t do that, I would remain single rather than expecting another person to set themselves alight to keep me warm. The way neurodiversity is perceived is extremely gendered, all the way from getting a diagnosis and initial support. You see it on these threads all the time. An OP posts about a man behaving like a total shit and you just know someone will be along shortly to diagnose him with something.

This isnt really about car wash is it. Its about leaving a controlling soul sucking man and getting your freedom and peace back. Probably worth starting another thread with some details about finances, jobs etc and getting advice on a good approach to managing a divorce.

It's obvious to me he's worn down your self-worth OP. I don't know everything that's happened in your marriage but don't you think you deserve better than someone who sucks the energy out of the house? If not for you, then for the kids?
I assume the kids will want to be with you. He really should leave but either way, you must take the kids with you.

Don't save the marriage - save yourself.

But if you then just didn't bother doing the thing your way, tough shit if someone ends up having to do it their way!

He sounds like a twat OP.

There's loads of other stuff in your post which are equally arsehole behaviour aside from his tantrum over the car being washed.

For example, not only does he get to enjoy a few drinks and be driven there and back, you also entertained the kids. He is responsible for washing the car, but didn't so you've had to do it yourself. Doesn't sound like he was grateful for any of those tasks.

If he is particular about his car then he needs to do it himself. I'm not sure he has a right to be particular if it's a family car that you're both using, and certainly not when he has judgemental parents.

Honestly OP you sound like a wonderful, thoughtful person, and I wonder if you might be better off without this ungrateful man and his judgemental parents.

Did he think you were going to wash it by hand while also solo parenting (sorry don't know kids ages)?

If the kids are teenagers then he could have offered them some pocket money to clean it if he wants it done by hand with a specific shampoo.

He's been absolutely ridiculous. One go in the car wash isn't going to ruin the paintwork. And if he's so worried then he should do it himself.

There is a difference between dirt which washes off and damage that is expensive to fix.

Let the man move out. I think he's probably used to you tip toeing around him! He likely wouldn't of even noticed if the kids hadn't of mentioned it.

Can he afford for you to run 2 seperare households? Sounds like if he doesnt move out the kids will grow up in an atmosphere too @Brownhotwaterbottle

But he didn’t hold up his end of the bargain, he pro is Ed to wash the car and hasn’t done so for literally months. So @Brownhotwaterbottle took care of it- he can’t have it both ways.

@Brownhotwaterbottle , he may be nd but that’s not n excuse to be abusive and controlling, which the silent treatment and threats to leave are. If you don’t want to break up (I would) then honest conversation then grey rock. Miniseries the impact on you an the kids.

My husband would never use a car wash he says the same and would be pretty pissed off if I took ours to one (it's several years old too), a new car he would go mad (he isn't generally angry, he's just from a family of car lovers and it's a big no no, his dad cleans his alloys with a toothbrush, granted my husband doesn't go that far!).

Your husband being autistic has notjing to do with anything, why must you add that? If he's behaving like a twat it's because he's a twat, not because he was handed a label recently. It should not be used to excuse twattish immature behaviour.

This. It's exhausting. I don't recommend relationships with these people. It's like quiet mental abuse over time. Permanent gaslighting and undermining. I know they struggle to change but that's not your problem and you don't have to put up with it out of pity.

He didn't see any damage on the paintwork. He only knew because their kid mentioned it. So no, she didn't.

I am a massive perfectionist and my eye falls upon any slight defect/colour change/lack of straightness and I sometimes take my car through a wash and I have never seen any difference at all even when scouring for one. Over time with repeated use perhaps it can be damaging, but not as a one off. I'd bet money a PP's swirls were caused by hand washing with an unsuitable cloth - there's not even anything in a drive through wash that moves in a swirling fashion, they spin which would leave straight lines.