My DH wants to move out because I washed the car I'm the wrong way

It wasn’t a drip feed. She added some detail that showed the behaviour she was describing wasn’t out of character for him. It was a pattern. She didn’t add detail that changed the context of the original post, which is why people complain about drip feeding usually.

It seems an awful leap on your part to say his controlling behaviours wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for OP! Or to make out her updates must be made up.

Other than perhaps you really are Mr @Brownhotwaterbottle I cannot for the life of me understand why you have consistently defended his abusive behaviour, made out his abuse is actually the fault of the OP, insinuated she’s lying….. I don’t think I’ve seen such a display of victim blaming. Please stop giving advice to people.

Like I said, relationship is a shambles 🤷‍♀️

They shouldn’t be together, I doubt he would have this behaviour if they weren’t. And don’t you think it is odd that the drip feed came in after when people weren’t all onside immediately.

I doubt a lot of the updates as they just escalate from nowhere and honestly what would be the point in raising the car wash incident if there were so many other issues like the ones since mentioned.

It is an obvious LTB based on the updates…so it’s just an odd thread to me in general.

Like I said, relationship is a shambles 🤷‍♀️

They shouldn’t be together, I doubt he would have this behaviour if they weren’t. And don’t you think it is odd that the drip feed came in after when people weren’t all onside immediately.

I doubt a lot of the updates as they just escalate from nowhere and honestly what would be the point in raising the car wash incident if there were so many other issues like the ones since mentioned.

It is an obvious LTB based on the updates…so it’s just an odd thread to me in general.

I bet he would love her to end it so he can play the victim!

I think it would be quite hard to respect someone who watches their spouse on the ring doorbell camera and then shouts at them for getting too close to a delivery person. Or trying to ban her from going outside even when restrictions were lifted. You’re making out like his “rules” (and I use the word rules rather than requests as plainly he makes rules and then polices her compliance) are normal. It isn’t normal to police your partner by watching video footage of them and shouting at them. I repeat, you are legitimising his behaviour and it is abuse. I agree that the relationship sounds like it should end. I don’t agree the OP’s “lack of respect” is responsible. She hasn’t adhered to his rules. That’s not a lack of respect. That’s a refusal to have an abusive partner dictate and police her behaviour! Why does his preference for car washing count more than hers?

I’ve read the escalation and I don’t think they’re a good fit. I think that he knows she doesn’t love/respect him, and it will be making him less likely to try to mask his autism and work to reduce its impact.

It is a relationship that doesn’t work because the two people aren’t well suited.

I also think that some of the updates are drip fed in to support the OP’s narrative, and that if we had both sides of this story we would likely see that there are lots of places where she has lied and been inconsiderate too.

OP needs to be honest with herself about this relationship and end it

It can be both

I’m not trying to, I am just unhappy with the misleading thread title and the way the OP has positioned it as her husband being a problem and everyone has decided that he must be controlling or abusive.

He is literally a normal person who has some quirks because of his autism. He is maintaining his boundaries.

They do need to find a better way to communicate, but it would help if the OP didn’t lie to him and wasn’t so dismissive of him.

I’m afraid you haven’t been keeping up with how things are in 2026. You don’t seem to have realised that ‘because autism’ is an absolutely watertight reason for shitty behaviour of any type at home, at work or at school. Nobody is allowed to call out anyone on anything - because if they are neurodivergent they can behave how they damn well like. Oh and if ‘because autism’ doesn’t work then you can always pull out ‘because ADHD’ as that chestnut can excuse anyone from anything at any time of day or night.

I just think the whole thing escalated when it didn’t need to. The relationship sounds like a shambles, OP doesn’t seem to like her husband, and he can tell, so why are they together.

They need to go their separate ways, he needs a partner who can understand his autism can cause some rigidity, and she needs someone who doesn’t care whether she respects them.

The relationship now will never improve. He knows she doesn’t respect him, so he spits out his dummy. She lies to him, so he doesn’t want to entertain her. It’s not a functioning relationship, and maybe it could have been if the OP was more understanding, it wouldn’t then escalate to issues like this.

If you are doing something that you need to lie to your spouse about then you shouldn’t be doing it, simple. The problem is, we don’t know what came first, the OP not caring about her husband, or her husband becoming more awkward in his behaviour…given the way the OP words the thread I think she is more likely to have caused this, but either way they just aren’t a good fit.

And I see it as what it is. Someone playing silly buggers(yes, autistic people can do that too) and being told “I’m not playing this game”- as you should do. His real issue now is that it didn’t work.

Have you not read the later posts where he got angry because she had a take away delivered? It isn’t acceptable to control what your spouse does because autism. You can make a request like anyone else but you don’t get to control how people behave and get angry and sulk when the rules you’ve dictated aren’t followed!

Have you not read the later posts where he got angry because she had a take away delivered? It isn’t acceptable to control what your spouse does because autism. You can make a request like anyone else but you don’t get to control how people behave and get angry and sulk when the rules you’ve dictated aren’t followed!

I’m not trying to, I am just unhappy with the misleading thread title and the way the OP has positioned it as her husband being a problem and everyone has decided that he must be controlling or abusive.

He is literally a normal person who has some quirks because of his autism. He is maintaining his boundaries.

They do need to find a better way to communicate, but it would help if the OP didn’t lie to him and wasn’t so dismissive of him.

But its manipulation isn’t it. He’s saying it because he wants OP to plead with him to stay. As she usually does. He obviously doesn’t want to move out, he wants to imply he’ll do it so he can make her feel bad.

You also seem to be overlooking the fact he controls her behaviour, how he becomes angry when she doesn’t comply with his imposed rules, how he refuses to speak to his family because he’s so annoyed with OP and makes a horrible atmosphere for everyone. That’s abusive behaviour. It’s utterly exhausting living with someone like this. You’re focusing on one small aspect (he didn’t threaten to leave vs. he said he thinks he should leave). You’re being very literal about that one phrase and legitimising his horrible abusive behaviour, which surely is the main issue. Controlling your partner through anger and sulking is never OK. If he wanted the car hand washed then he should have done it. I assume it’s a family car. Why does his preferred method of cleaning take precedence? Isn’t OP allowed a view also?

I’m not trying to, I am just unhappy with the misleading thread title and the way the OP has positioned it as her husband being a problem and everyone has decided that he must be controlling or abusive.

He is literally a normal person who has some quirks because of his autism. He is maintaining his boundaries.

They do need to find a better way to communicate, but it would help if the OP didn’t lie to him and wasn’t so dismissive of him.

So someone who says ‘I think you would prefer it if I didn’t live here’ is threatening to move out…really? No they absolutely are not, they’re expressing how they are feeling as though they aren’t wanted, which is the vibe I am getting from the OP to be honest.

Well exactly this. If it was the other way round, it would be full of 'he doesnt respect you', 'why dont your views count', 'he's just overridden your wishes'.

You’re stubbornly focusing on this one incident. The issue is he repeatedly does this. OP normally begs him to stay and backs down. This time she didn’t. Since he keeps repeating it, it’s either a manipulation tactic and it does need shutting down or how he really feels so HE needs to do something about it. Either case, OP’s reaction was perfectly reasonable. You can’t keep saying you want to leave during arguments and then be surprised when one day you get told “fine, go then”.

Silent treatment and sulking is abusive
that’s nothing to do with any diagnosis he may have
he sounds nasty and hard work
i think it must be awful living with someone like that

You’re missing the part where OP said that sounds like what he wants and he agreed. THEN she said he could leave. Which shocked the crap out of him because he’s so used to her backing down when he pulls this little routine.