MIL has forbidden DS to call for his friend when we visit

Firstly, they don't get to 'forbid' anything. He's not their child.

Secondly, is there a chance that they've picked up on something that you haven't about the neighbours? Maybe the neighbours are not as happy about the Sunday drop ins as they're letting on.

Since when has calling for a friend become so controversial. My God. It is one of the best parts of childhood. We always called for for friends when we went to our Grandmas every Sunday. We were only there 2 hours!
Though my Grandparents weren't insular or bothered by different kids showing up. I have some lovely memories of her handing out the cheap choc ices or chipsticks and cups of dandelion & burdock. My Grandad used to set up the cricket stumps for us on some land at the side of their bungalow.
Imagine just been made to sit there looking at each other all staid.

I would have a word with the neighbour @Hellotodays and say MIL doesn't want their kids in her house. Just let them play outside.

Op i think the visits are very long.
Are your kids cousins also visiting at the same time?
I do get a 5 year age gap at that age is huge.

I don't think its wrong for him to go and play with the girl, but i think meals should be with the family.

My grandparents were always very encouraging of our playing with local children when we used to visit. We did visit for many days usually and we mainly stayed in the gardens.

I don’t understand the posters saying that these grandparents want to “talk to him” for a whole day, longer than a school day (and kids get play breaks at school). It’s not usual for a 6 year old to sit on the sofa and chit-chat with adults. It’s certainly not developmentally appropriate to expect that sort of behaviour for seven hours.

Yes, the first hour maybe when you arrive is a reasonable expectation, with tea and biscuits, but unless grandparents are getting out board games and puzzles to do as a group, or inviting him to bake with them, I don’t see how they are spending anything like “quality time” with him for the following six hours. Time maybe. Adults often find an hour their limit for chit chat!

@Hellotodays could you outline how your days tend to look at inlaws’ house? How are you spending the seven hours? At the moment I’m getting horrific vibes like I used to feel at my grandparents house in the very early 80s, when I wasn’t allowed to do much but my grampy was allowed to watch the wrestling or the football results. Len Martin’s recitation of “Queens Park - nil, Queen of the South, nil” was the soundtrack to those visits and will take me straight back to a brown carpet, a cold bathroom (no central heating), and playing for hours with granny’s brass fireplace animals.

Compromise.

Agree with the parent of the neighbour if there is a convenient slot for DS to go to their house/garden to play. Tell MiL that DS will be out from 11 - 12.30 but will be back for lunch and will spend the rest of the day at MiL's.

I get it that the ILs don't want other children in their house or garden. That is their right and whilst it seems a bit unfair to DS/friends, that's life. So that's one concession to the ILs. Another is that DS will be there for the main meal plus (if on offer) a snack. The final one is that less than half the visit will be spent with the neighbour. Then ILs need to relent a bit and give DS time to do his own thing for PART of the visit. DS has to be told that when the appointed time comes, he comes straight back without any fuss.

Invite the neighbour's kid(s) to yours on a non-GP day to reciprocate - maybe they could come for a playdate after school.

I feel so sorry for your son. It's a lot for him to have to spend one day every second weekend doing as directed by grandparents. It all seems a little regimented. At his age he should be exploring friendships and doing activities, something he is trying to do but being restricted by grandparents. This has potential to make him feel insecure.
You need to re-evaluate your visits, reduce the frequency and the length of time spent there. They have had their own stint at parenting and controlling, they shouldn't be allowed to do that with grandchildren. Your son is at an age where he will soon be doing activities outside the home so maybe now is the time to start looking at what he would like to do. Time to start making the changes as he moves into the school phase and adapts to.new routines and changes. Structure them so they appear to be naturally evolving rather than enforced.
Great parenting recognising the control issues and the early potential to see it could cause problems going forward if not nipped in the bud.
Good luck.

Can you come to a compromise where he has 2 hours with his friend in mil garden only?
Some older people's houses just aren't childproof and that could be an acceptable reason.
I'm in agreement OP and many grandparents would be pleased he has found a friend and want him to be able to develop that and actually see it as a responsibility- but not all people think like this. They may actively not want to get involved with their neighbours and that is their right. Do get them some playdates together though- these spontaneous friendships are so lovely for kids.

I think you're both being unreasonable.

It's unreasonable for PILs to object to DS going to play with his friends on such a long visit when they are doing little to interact with him.

But you're being unreasonable to expect DS' friends to be welcome at your PILs and describe not being allowed to invite them as an exclusionary rule. It's not your house and it's not exclusionary to not also have a neighbours' children over when family are visiting. It's fine to say to DS that his friends are welcome to come to your house but this isn't your house so you shouldn't be inviting them over. I don't understand why you are tying yourself up in knots about that.

I think there’s multiple things happening here.

Having a neighbour kid in and out during a family day is rude to me and MIL is perfectly within her rights to say no to this. You wanting to teach your child that all are welcome is an admirable aim but not something you get to do in someone else’s home or with someone else’s resources. That’s actually a lesson I wouldn’t want my child to learn. I also wouldn’t be ok with my child leaving a family gathering - it’s a family visit.

Having said that, why are the visits so long? If the family time is over and you’re fine for your child to leave, why are you all staying for hours more? Cap the visit at 3-4 hours, your child will be engaged for the visit and you don’t lose your whole day every other weekend. That is a long visit for a local grandparent.

I do agree with her, sorry! She wants to see him but he wants see his friend next door, which means he’s not spending time with her! Eating with his friends family would annoy her too! She just wants to talk to him and spend time with him. To be honest my kids and their friends used to run in and out of the house to go backwards and forwards too and it is very annoying! If he wants play dates then you should facilitate those separately to mil’s visits!

Exactly this! I couldn’t care less if my grandchildren wanted to play with their friends next door when they visited me! Any normal grandparent would enjoy seeing their grandchildren happy and having fun!

If they want him to stay, they need to entertain him. 6 year olds love games like jenga. If they aren't willing to do that, then I don't see why he can't go play with his friend. He isn't an ornament.

I'd go home at 2pm every time for a play date for DS now. Fuck her and her attitude.

Every other week is a huge tie and 10-5 is all of the decent part of the day. Does your DS get no say at all in weekends?

Do you see your parents as much?

If he's visiting when other family, cousins etc are there then his grandparents are probably quite busy and are hardly going to be sitting on the floor playing with him exclusively. He can entertain himself, engage with the wider family or his parents.

Can't have a neighbour's kid walking in and out of his relative's house and garden all day, no.

Can see his friends when he's not in another person's home, yes.

And yes, shorter visits would suit everyone, I am very sure.

I don’t get why your son is bored. Doesn’t he take books and toys to entertain himself? Don’t you and your DH interact with him? I used to love going to my grandparents and I don’t ever remember being bored.

i suspect he’s not bored at all but, knowing there are children next door, just wants to play with them and so isn’t settling at his grandparents. He’s old enough to understand it’s rude to go and visit someone and then leave to go elsewhere. He’s also old enough to understand his grandparents want to see their family not have random kids going in and out. And why did you let him have dinner at their house? That’s so rude 😮

Have a good talk with him and explain all of that. You could ask him how he’d feel if he invited some friends to his house and they just went round to the neighbours, ignored him, and didn’t even eat with him.

Going forward, either stop him visiting the child at all during your visits, arranging play dates with the child at separate times, or allow him to, say, go round to the child for an hour or so after lunch. Do not let the child into the grandparents house and don’t let your DS run to and fro.

How on earth are OP or her son being horrible to her MIL? It's dull for OP's DS because the grandparents focus all their attention on the much younger children. Why should the visit need to be a test of endurance and loyalty for OP's son rather than an enjoyable visit where he can spend time with his grandparents and play with his friend next door when his grandparents stop interacting and engaging with him?

MIL sounds like a twat tbh and if I were OP, I'd massively cut down on these twice monthly, all-day visits.

I’d reduce the visits. One whole day every other weekend is an awful lot for a child who has nothing much to do there and can’t even see his friends. I’d go once a month, tops. Let DH go alone, or with the one year old.

Make the visits shorter, visit less and give him more activities to take part in, or let him get bored.

And when he is at home then you get to decide who tramps in and out of your home and your garden all day.

You don't get to decide that for other people.

If they are in and out a lot, then I can see why MIL gets annoyed. Could there be a compromise where DS is allowed to go over for the first or last 2 hours or the friends come over for the first or last two hours?

Or perhaps the visit to MIL needs to be shortened? 7 hours every other Sunday is a lot. No wonder DS gets restless.

Actually, constantly interacting with your kids and not allowing them to develop any resourcefulness in entertaining themselves elsewhere is not the sole definition of "parenting"

It may be how you choose to raise yours, and you are obviously willing to risk all the potential problems this approach can lead to. But OP chooses to encourage her child to learn to entertain himself in a range or ways, including interacting with children of the same age in a social context. You can't imply she isn't a parent because she makes a different choice to you.

I don't actually know many parents who make themselves constantly available to play with their children, with no boundaries. You are entitled to think it's the pinnacle of "good parenting", but understand that not everybody would.

What utter nonsense, you absolutely DO have "exclusionary rules" - the correct term for which is boundaries. Everyone does. You don't open your home to strangers and YOU get to choose who comes round.

Take the locks off your door and leave your door open to all and sundry? No? Then of course you have your own boundaries.

Stop trying to pretend it's in any way even remotely abnormal for an older woman not to want to invite the neighbour's kids tramping in and out of her house and garden all day

You deliberately worded the entire thing to try to make your MIL sound awful "forbidden" and now "exclusionary"

But "My MIL doesn't want the neighbour's kid tramping in and out of her house and garden all day when we visit and prefers to choose her own visitors" just doesn''t have the same melodramatic flair.

But it's the truth.

Your inlaws are being absolutely ridiculous. I'd tell him that they weren't going to impose any such rule. I mean, obviously, their house their rules, but if they are going to insist I would stop your son's visits to them.

Just to add to the messages saying it’s MIL who’s rude. Of course he should be allowed to play with neighbour but maybe just at their house as IL’s sound stuffy. My DM and DMIL want to make their houses a fun place to visit and would never say they couldn’t visit a friends. Not sure what MIL is gaining by making it more boring for him.