DP has invited his ex wife for Christmas dinner and says I’m being petty

So basically what you're implying is that because @IcyPortal is bothered by this then she must be jealous, bitter, and insecure.

To ask his ex isn't the problem; it's treating his partner as though she has no say in any of it. Not to mention, telling his children first was such a manipulative thing to do.

I’d go for it now that the kids have been told. Go for it with an open heart. But he absolutely must muck in to make all the dinner; presents ext… happen.

He should have discussed it with you first.

Yes, but it's just not the same. You invited the ex, you knew she was coming and it was a nice thing for you to do but also your decision. @IcyPortal has a completely different situation. It's Christmas dinner in their shared home- she has to do all the work and all the cooking and now her partner has the audacity to inform her that his ex-wife will be coming and that OP is "being petty" for feeling upset! He didn't have enough respect to even ask before he did it, and I believe she said he told his children before he'd told @IcyPortal .

It's very possible he planned this knowing that once his kids knew their mother was coming it would be very hard for her to disagree or alter HIS plans. He manipulated the entire thing, but reflecting the blame onto his partner was even worse.

Even if he truly thought she wouldn't approve the invitation there's still no excuse for the way he's minimized her! It's awful when one half of a couple takes all the power and then to not even own that he took her agency away; that's truly disturbing.

Can you see how this is very different from your situation? He didn't give @IcyPortal the chance to be generous and invite the ex; instead he gets to look like the good guy to everyone and if she dare shows that she's unhappy he then gets to make her the "jealous, selfish" person.

Read OPs OP!

The IFs are what she has said - There is no bad blood! And she doesnt want to see ex alone as there is another option.

It's not about the fact the ex is coming per se that OP is upset, it's the fact that she didn't agree to it first, and because underneath it all it seems that she's pissed at him because she is doing the donkey work. I think that is making the issue bigger tbh or there are other dynamics at play that OP hasnt shared.

I did say in my initial reply, that yes he should have mentioned it to her beforehand, but also think its being blown out of proportion.

No, that’s silly

He's totally out of order. That needed to be a discussion between you both first. Did he consider your children's experience of the day or only that of his own two?

Do you see all the ifs in your post?

It’s easy for you to say you would be fine with it because you’re not in this situation, OP is.

You are yet another person suggesting that OP’s feelings don’t matter, only the children and ex wife’s do.

Outrageous. He said he's doing it for his girls, but I thought he was doing it because she was going to be on her own, so doing it for her?

Her happiness trumps yours I guess.

If i was married (Im not and neither is OP) and there was no animosity between them, nor between her and me, and I was secure in our relationship then yes id have no problem with it. In fact I'd probably have suggested it myself and be relieved he'd thought to ask cause id probably have forgotten to ask him!

However if there is underlying jealousy or bitterness, then no I wouldn't be happy, but OP said that's not the case. Everyone saying he is out of order seems to be assuming this means he's asked because he cares more about exW than OP, but i dont see it like that, I see it as he's prioritising his kids. And I was brought up with the idea that Christmas is all about kids. I still believe that now!

He didn’t ask you because he knows it’s unreasonable.

You have to be very careful how you handle manipulative men like this who don’t have your back.

I would say ok, this time. But he is responsible for 50% of hosting and present buying - give him a list - and explain to him that if he ever invites his ex wife for dinner again, he needs to discuss it with you first.

I’d make it clear you know he’s done it without consulting you because he knows it’s a big ask, so you’re going to give him a pass this time for his DDs. But if he ever does anything like this again, he will be acting in a way that makes you doubt his commitment to and respect for you: and lots of those things are relationship ending.

So you would be fine with your husband inviting his ex wife to Christmas Day dinner without asking you?

Seriously?

I'd send him and the kids to hers. Or invite your ex round. I think it'd be shit for your kids otherwise. Watching your boyfriends kids have Christmas with both their parents, in their house, hosted by their mother. I can't imagine it's going to be a great Christmas for them. They'll be guests at your boyfriends family Christmas and only really have their auntie as you'll be hosting.

Yeah either it's a big family Christmas and your kids get both parents there too. Or it's a split Christmas and he spends it with his ex and kids and you spend it with your kids and sister.

You're thinking about how it'll make you feel but don't seem to have really thought about how your kids will feel.

Mentioned that he thought it would be nice to ask his Ex, yes.
Asked OP's permission to invite a guest to Christmas in their shared home, no.

The fact OP is doing all of the organising and the work is a separate issue and honestly it sounded like OP was ok with doing this IMHO, until the ex was invited.
If that's the issue, that he needs to help more, then address that!

OP doesnt "own" Christmas, even if she is doing all the work! Her DP including their children's other parent is incredibly kind and thoughtful.

It sounds like there is underlying resentment here OP & person who challenged me? - is that your ex would never be so kind to you? Was it that him not asking your permission feels like he didnt even think that you might be upset, because to him there is no bad feelings and to him he may think its obvious that he loves you, and lives with you? Are you worried she'll be judging you somehow?
I think there are probably some underlying worries here tbh.

@IcyPortal ofcourse he should have asked you first.

However, I was once in his DCs position and there is nothing worse than knowing your DM will be on their own, especially at Christmas. They will not fully enjoy themselves or may even feel guilty for enjoying themselves.

You’ll be doing something great for his DC.

Invite your ex too. Or rent an actor. Please do this. I will pay.

So you don’t even think he needs to have asked OP, just mentioned it? Even though OP is doing the organising and the work?

Interesting how a woman inviting her ex husband is divorce-worthy but a man inviting his ex wife isn’t.

This is such a cop out. Of course men know the impact of inviting their ex wife to Christmas.

He just didn’t give a shit about OP’s feelings.

Excellent approach. Did he disinvite them?

Telling a woman to put herself last? How original.

As a child from a broken marriage, I loved when my mum invited my dad over on Christmas Day. Usually when his (then current) girlfriend had sacked him off. Try to take your feelings out of it!

@CrazyMidget So in your rant against MN misandry you go to the opposite extreme and tell the OP how kind-hearted her husband is, although "yes of course he should have discussed it with you".

So he should have discussed it with the OP, everyone's agreed, but then this kind-hearted man...
"When I said I wasn’t comfortable with it he got quite annoyed and said I was being petty and making something nice into an issue."

No, the OP does not need to LTB over this, but she also doesn't need to be gaslit into thinking she's being petty in the face of her husband's "kind-hearted", as you describe it, behaviour. He was disrespectful of his wife and doubled down on it when she objected. It's not a LTB situation, of course not, but it is a LTB to step up and sort out Christmas... and also to apologise to his wife for being inconsiderate rather than presenting himself as lovely, nice considerate ex and having a pop at his wife for being "petty". If she lets it just slide, why would it ever stop?

OP, one year I was heavily pregnant, planning a home birth, had other preschoolers, and my DH came home and announced he had invited guests to stay in the little alcove off our living room for two weeks. Not even family. He was 'just trying to be helpful' he told me. I told him it wasn't helpful to me at all.

I made arrangements to go stay with my parents with the children, birth there if necessary. He would have to do all the cooking, washing, shopping and entertaining involved in having guests. All of a sudden it didn't look so attractive.

"But I've already invited them and they've accepted!" He exclaimed. I told him he'd just have to uninvite them then.

The moral of this story - when the reality of their not thinking hits them, they learn. He's never done anything like that again.

Your DH needs to carry his full load in preparing for Christmas and organising everything. He needs to have to put his money where his mouth is. And you need to invite your ex.

She can be annoyed he didn’t ask, she can have discussions with him about checking with her first in future, she can have a general discussion about him pulling his weight with the Christmas load. But, if she is saying no, suggesting the woman comes for an hour then goes home to an empty house rather than sitting at their dinner table, when she herself has said it will make little difference to her workload and she would have said yes if he asked, then she is being petty.

You clearly are the skivvy and as you do it all he expects you to accommodate anyone he asks.

He hasn't the very basic respect of you, to check with you.

Did you move in very quickly with him?
If so, it's a mistake.

He cares more about her than you and assumes you skivving for one more person at Christmas, is no more than you can expect.

You must be quite mad to accept so liitle.
I would be be completely dropping the rope and tell him he can sort out Christmas this year.

3 years and you are the skivvy, madness.
You deserve better.