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Original poster

DP has invited his ex wife for Christmas dinner and says I’m being petty

414 replies

IcyPortal · Yesterday 19:29

Me and DP are having a bit of an argument about Christmas and I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together 3 years and live together. I have a DS13 and DD8 from my previous relationship and he has two DDs, 15 and 10, from his marriage. His girls are with us alternate weekends and some of the school holidays. They are coming to us Christmas Eve and staying until Boxing Day this year.

We’d agreed we would have everyone here for Christmas dinner. His brother and my sister were invited as well, so its already going to be quite a full house. I don’t mind that, I like having people round for Christmas and the kids all get on well enough. I am the one who does most of the organising though, sorting food, presents, making sure everyone has got what they need etc. DP will help if I ask him but he isn’t the sort to think ahead about things.

Anyway a few days ago he mentioned that his ex wife would be coming for Christmas dinner as well. I actually thought he was joking at first and said what do you mean coming for dinner? Apparently he’d invited her because she would otherwise be on her own.

For context she has recently split up with her boyfriend and doesn’t have much family nearby. I do feel sorry for her in that respect and I’m not saying she should have to sit on her own all day if there is another option. But DP had already invited her before even mentioning it to me. I had no idea he was planning this and we hadn’t discussed it at all.

He said he thought it was the right thing to do and the girls would be happy having both their parents there. Which they are, his eldest especially was really pleased when she found out. I haven’t said anything to them about it and wouldn’t want to spoil their Christmas or make them feel like they have to choose between us.

But I don’t really understand why he couldn’t have asked me first? It’s my home as well and I’m going to be doing most of the work on the day. I finish work late on Christmas Eve so there is already going to be a lot to get sorted in a short space of time. I know having one extra person isn’t the end of the world but it isn’t really about the food or having enough chairs. I just feel like he’s made a decision that affects all of us and told me afterwards as though it’s already settled.

When I said I wasn’t comfortable with it he got quite annoyed and said I was being petty and making something nice into an issue. He said it was for the children. I said that I wasn’t stopping his girls seeing their mum. They could see her earlier in the day or he could take them to see her, or she could come over for a bit. I just hadn’t agreed to having her here for the whole dinner.

He then said it would be awkward if she only came for an hour and that the girls wanted her there. I do get that. They are old enough to understand their parents aren’t together but obviously it would be nice for them to have a Christmas where everyone can be in the same room and get along. I am not trying to make things difficult for them.

I don’t think she has done anything wrong either. We are civil when we see each other but we aren’t friends and we don’t socialise together. She’s never been rude to me and I have no reason to think anything is going on between them. They were married for a long time and have children together so obviously they will always have a connection. I’m not asking him to cut her out of their lives.

It is just that he does sometimes agree to things with her or the girls and then tell me afterwards. Usually it’s small things and I let it go, but this feels different because Christmas dinner is happening in our house and I’m the one who will be getting everything ready. I feel like if I had invited my ex to spend the day with us without discussing it with him, DP would have something to say about that.

My sister thinks he should have asked me first but says now that the girls are excited I should probably just let it happen. My friend says she wouldn’t have her partner’s ex wife sitting at her Christmas table at all, but I think that’s a bit harsh when she’s recently split up and would be alone otherwise.

I haven’t told DP she can’t come. I just said I wasn’t happy that he had invited her without even asking me, and now he’s acting like I’ve got a problem with his ex when that’s not what I said.

AIBU to think he should have spoken to me before inviting her, or am I making too much of it and should just get on with Christmas?

OP posts:
Sunshineonthewater · Today 08:23

He didn’t ask you first. That’s very poor behaviour. But what is worse is making your reaction the problem, like he hasn’t done anything wrong. He’s done on the attack and so you must have a problem with his ex wife or want her to be on her own or not want his children to be happy. Talk about twisting things so that you are the problem. This is bigger than who is peeling the potatoes.

TotaleclipseinFrance · Today 08:15

dragonflygold · Today 08:09

I would think the person who it might be
awkward for is the ex wife - newly single, coming on her own into the OP's home & family.

Show quote history

She's agreed to it when it would be very easy to get out of it. Very easy.

The OP is being made an absolute fool out of here. It's obvious.

I'd say the same if all genders were reversed.

TotaleclipseinFrance · Today 08:10

BIossomtoes · Today 07:59

It doesn’t have to be awkward.

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In the real world, it probably will be.

I don't believe for one second that all 3 people involved here are all going to be happy about this.

Not for one second.

Nothing to do with gender, either, if the genders were reversed here I'd be on the guy's side.
Poor bastard. His DP is still in love with her ex-dh I'd think.

There's also one hell of a difference between attending events where your ex will understandably also be present and hosting them yourself.

One hell of a difference.

AshCullen1894 · Today 08:09

Is he always this dismissive of your feelings? Are you sure this is the right relationship for you?

dragonflygold · Today 08:09

TotaleclipseinFrance · Today 07:54

Has anybody mentioned the inherent awkwardness of this situation even IF the OP was tickety boo with it all?

Because even if if she were, at least one of the 'love triangle' is going to find it awkward as fuck. Or quietly upset by it.
Maybe the OP here is getting the shitty end of the stick.

(Love triangle is in inverted commas because it saves me typing the relationship status of all 3 adults not because there's an ongoing affair here.)

I would think the person who it might be
awkward for is the ex wife - newly single, coming on her own into the OP's home & family.

dragonflygold · Today 08:06

He should have asked first and he should be making way more of an effort to help out. Why is he not?

I don't think it means he's still in love with his ex, it's probably more that he thinks his kids won't enjoy Xmas as much if they are feeling guilty about their mum being on her own & he wants to avoid that.

I think you are being very generous and kind to agree to her coming along & it could be the start of a new family tradition - but your DP needs to understand that he has to seek your views and opinions on stuff like this before he acts.

BIossomtoes · Today 07:59

TotaleclipseinFrance · Today 07:54

Has anybody mentioned the inherent awkwardness of this situation even IF the OP was tickety boo with it all?

Because even if if she were, at least one of the 'love triangle' is going to find it awkward as fuck. Or quietly upset by it.
Maybe the OP here is getting the shitty end of the stick.

(Love triangle is in inverted commas because it saves me typing the relationship status of all 3 adults not because there's an ongoing affair here.)

It doesn’t have to be awkward.

TotaleclipseinFrance · Today 07:54

Has anybody mentioned the inherent awkwardness of this situation even IF the OP was tickety boo with it all?

Because even if if she were, at least one of the 'love triangle' is going to find it awkward as fuck. Or quietly upset by it.
Maybe the OP here is getting the shitty end of the stick.

(Love triangle is in inverted commas because it saves me typing the relationship status of all 3 adults not because there's an ongoing affair here.)

Jimmyjumpy · Today 07:46

What are you annoyed about, the fact he didnt ask you first? YANBU.

or, because its his ex wife. YABU.

TwinklyAmberSloth · Today 07:44

@IcyPortal having the ex there wouldn't bother me but the not asking would.

And now its not fair if his kids have both parents there and yours don't, so its only fair to now invite your ex too.

Just make a list that everything that needs doing and tell him his tasks.

Boomer55 · Today 07:39

PerhapsPerhapsMaybe · Yesterday 19:38

You’re not married and he still thinks of his ex as family. Sorry OP but this man is not committed to you

I share Christmas with my ex who I divorced 25 years ago, and then I remarried. - ex is not my family of course, any more, but he’s the father of my adult children. . We’re just friends now. 👍

Getting on well after divorce doesn’t always mean anything dodgy is going on.

TotaleclipseinFrance · Today 07:33

THisbackwithavengeance · Today 07:16

FFS. You could follow the advice on this thread, kick off, divorce, leave the house and take your DCs with you. LTB, etc etc even though most posters advocating it wouldn’t do that themselves and if they would, that’s why they’re divorced, single and bitter. Yeah, ruin your kids Christmas, get divorced, over a small issue. Such shit advice.

However back in the real world, life is often recognising that compromises have to be made and it’s not just about you.
I would see this as a good thing to do for someone who would otherwise be sat alone on Xmas day meaning that your SDCs wouldn’t be worrying about their mum. You’ve already got a full house, so really one more won’t matter? I personally wouldn’t have a problem with it.

You have got to be joking. 😂

Nobody but nobody is stupid enough to invite their ex round for Christmas dinner unless they're guilty about an affair, still in love with them or both.

The not telling her is purely to eliminate the chance of her refusing.
Fait accompli.
Of course she's got to leave.
He's still in love with his ex-w or if his relationship with the OP is the result of him cheating the ex will be gleefully ruining things for them out of revenge.

TotaleclipseinFrance · Today 07:24

He's obviously still in love with her because no fecking reasonable adult would do this. Really, they wouldn't- both by inviting her AND not even asking you!

You seem a bit too sanguine about this obviously majorly cheeky fecker situation. That's odd in itself.

Is your relationship the result of an affair?

He married, you single?
Thats why you have no hard feelings towards her?

Well played to her if it is, exploiting his guilt like this and/or the fact that he's still in love with her.

So there you have it.
He's still in love with her or he's guilty. Or both.

I don't believe that anyone is as easy going about this that they need to ask mn for an answer unless something has been omitted from the OP.

THisbackwithavengeance · Today 07:16

FFS. You could follow the advice on this thread, kick off, divorce, leave the house and take your DCs with you. LTB, etc etc even though most posters advocating it wouldn’t do that themselves and if they would, that’s why they’re divorced, single and bitter. Yeah, ruin your kids Christmas, get divorced, over a small issue. Such shit advice.

However back in the real world, life is often recognising that compromises have to be made and it’s not just about you.
I would see this as a good thing to do for someone who would otherwise be sat alone on Xmas day meaning that your SDCs wouldn’t be worrying about their mum. You’ve already got a full house, so really one more won’t matter? I personally wouldn’t have a problem with it.

BlueMum16 · Today 06:09

IcyPortal · Yesterday 22:37

We both moved into a new house together. I had a 3 bed when it was just me and my dc but we needed more space with his DDs staying over as well so we moved to a 4 bed. We both live here and its our home, its not like I’ve moved into his house and trying to tell him what he can do. Thats partly why I feel he should have discussed it with me first, its a decision that affects both of us.

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What happens if your DC ask if their dad can come too? Will you invite him?

AmnesiacDream · Today 05:54

IcyPortal · Yesterday 21:55

Its not completely out of the blue no, he’s done it before with smaller things, agreeing to things with his ex or the girls and then telling me afterwards as if its all sorted. Usually I’ve just let it go because its not been anything major and I dont want to make an issue out of everything.

I think thats why this has annoyed me more than it maybe would have otherwise. Its Christmas dinner and quite a bit of work for me and he didnt even think to ask. Then when I said I wasnt happy about it he made it about me being petty instead of actually listening to what I was saying. I wouldnt say we have massive rows all the time but he can be quite dismissive when I disagree with something he’s already decided.

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Him having form is concerning. But, given you don't have any bad blood with his ex, I would probably leave the Christmas issue for now.

If this is still digging at you in the new year (I think it would be digging at me) sit him down and tell him you're still a bit angry, not at his Ex coming but at his making the decision without consulting you. Point out the other times you've brought it up and point out it's a pattern. That he is taking you for granted and that if he does it again you will throw your toys out of the pram. If he pushes back tell him he needs to hear you - this is an issue for you and HE needs to take it onboard. If he doesn't understand why it upsets you so much, he needs to talk to you about it not just tell you you're wrong.

mathanxiety · Today 05:00

CrazyMidget · Yesterday 22:29

I haven't RTFT. I'm sure lots of posters are jumping to ending your relationship.

Christmas is about charity and reaching out to people who have less than you do, and not just in terms of money. Be grateful that you are with a kindhearted man who wouldn't see someone he once loved and who is the mother of his children alone at Christmas, while he has a lovely time with his loved ones. And the children are so happy. Such a Christmas will be something they'll remember when their parents are long gone. If him and her wanted to be together, they would be. No good marriage ends in divorce. Now, pull up your big-girl pants and be an adult about this. Welcome her warmly and with grace. You would want the same in her shoes.

I do think he should have discussed it with you, but perhaps he didn't because he thought you would say no.

P.S. As a gracious and charitable host, you should reach out to her, soon, by text or email, to reiterate the invitation, so that she knows she is welcome. Say that you are excited to have her over and that the children can't wait. Ask if she has any special dietary requirements and let her know what you'll be cooking.

This is what a person of quality does.

Edited

That's what a Stepford wife does.

Christmas is not about taking a woman for granted, inviting all and sundry to enjoy someone else's cooking with you after you've done nothing to contribute to the festive day, with you looking like the generous host, the big guy, the world's best parent and most magnanimous divorced dad.

If the ex had an ounce of class, she would have declined the invitation, or put it on ice until she was sure the OP was on board. It would take less than a minute to pick up the phone and confirm with the OP - and this woman probably knows the man she divorced is not the sort who plans ahead so Christmas would fall entirely on the OP.

Chickadee26 · Today 04:31

It's thoughtless to add anybody at all to Christmas with checking with your partner first. B
It's too late now, but make it clear you always want a discussion before inviting people for dinner.
Positive side is how nice it's going to be for the kids and that his ex-wife is a nice enough person.

Will you be able to enjoy the day anyways? I mean, it's better than the alternative. I'd probably knock myself out to show how wonderful of a mother wife and hostess I am 😆

WhatsItAllForAnyway · Today 04:17

nomas · Today 01:57

Excellent approach. Did he disinvite them?

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Oh yes, the next day. It was probably the most uncomfortable thing he'd ever had to do, but I think the discomfort of displacing his very pregnant wife and children from their home was worse. To make it worse, I'd never met them, he hadn't met them in person. It was a work colleague relocating!

Beenwhereyouareagain · Today 03:33

Endoadnowarrior · Today 02:28

Mentioned that he thought it would be nice to ask his Ex, yes.
Asked OP's permission to invite a guest to Christmas in their shared home, no.

The fact OP is doing all of the organising and the work is a separate issue and honestly it sounded like OP was ok with doing this IMHO, until the ex was invited.
If that's the issue, that he needs to help more, then address that!

OP doesnt "own" Christmas, even if she is doing all the work! Her DP including their children's other parent is incredibly kind and thoughtful.

It sounds like there is underlying resentment here OP & person who challenged me? - is that your ex would never be so kind to you? Was it that him not asking your permission feels like he didnt even think that you might be upset, because to him there is no bad feelings and to him he may think its obvious that he loves you, and lives with you? Are you worried she'll be judging you somehow?
I think there are probably some underlying worries here tbh.

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"It sounds like there is underlying resentment here OP & person who challenged me? - is that your ex would never be so kind to you?

Enough with the condescending opinions. We don't have to be jealous or insecure to feel that DP was in the wrong for not discussing it first; we resent his lack of respect and name calling.

HE WAS WRONG AND SHOULD APOLOGIZE FOR MAKING DECISIONS WITHOUT OP'S INPUT AND ALSO APOLOGIZE FOR CALLING HER PETTY.

Meadowfinch · Today 03:33

I'd book myself, my dcs and my sister into an hotel for a gloriously lazy lunch, and leave him to it.

EmiliaBassano · Today 03:23

Mcmach1 · Today 02:06

Invite your ex too. Or rent an actor. Please do this. I will pay.

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I read that in the voice of Claudia Winkleman.

Beenwhereyouareagain · Today 03:23

Endoadnowarrior · Today 02:51

If i was married (Im not and neither is OP) and there was no animosity between them, nor between her and me, and I was secure in our relationship then yes id have no problem with it. In fact I'd probably have suggested it myself and be relieved he'd thought to ask cause id probably have forgotten to ask him!

However if there is underlying jealousy or bitterness, then no I wouldn't be happy, but OP said that's not the case. Everyone saying he is out of order seems to be assuming this means he's asked because he cares more about exW than OP, but i dont see it like that, I see it as he's prioritising his kids. And I was brought up with the idea that Christmas is all about kids. I still believe that now!

Edited
Show quote history

So basically what you're implying is that because @IcyPortal is bothered by this then she must be jealous, bitter, and insecure.

To ask his ex isn't the problem; it's treating his partner as though she has no say in any of it. Not to mention, telling his children first was such a manipulative thing to do.

Gealach · Today 03:15

I’d go for it now that the kids have been told. Go for it with an open heart. But he absolutely must muck in to make all the dinner; presents ext… happen.

He should have discussed it with you first.

Beenwhereyouareagain · Today 03:13

Bigballslittleball · Yesterday 21:05

I actually invited DH ex when she was going to be on her own and I didn't regret it. She had the decency just to come for some of the day but it felt like the right thing to do

Yes, but it's just not the same. You invited the ex, you knew she was coming and it was a nice thing for you to do but also your decision. @IcyPortal has a completely different situation. It's Christmas dinner in their shared home- she has to do all the work and all the cooking and now her partner has the audacity to inform her that his ex-wife will be coming and that OP is "being petty" for feeling upset! He didn't have enough respect to even ask before he did it, and I believe she said he told his children before he'd told @IcyPortal .

It's very possible he planned this knowing that once his kids knew their mother was coming it would be very hard for her to disagree or alter HIS plans. He manipulated the entire thing, but reflecting the blame onto his partner was even worse.

Even if he truly thought she wouldn't approve the invitation there's still no excuse for the way he's minimized her! It's awful when one half of a couple takes all the power and then to not even own that he took her agency away; that's truly disturbing.

Can you see how this is very different from your situation? He didn't give @IcyPortal the chance to be generous and invite the ex; instead he gets to look like the good guy to everyone and if she dare shows that she's unhappy he then gets to make her the "jealous, selfish" person.