DP has invited his ex wife for Christmas dinner and says I’m being petty

I then went on to say that he should have consulted the OP first, not made a decision on her behalf and earlier said that he should be pulling his weight and not leaving all the domestic work to her.

What I meant by saying about it being a lesson to the children involved is that the invitation is out there now & the kids have been told so the best course of action is to let it happen and model civilised, adult relationships.

BUT that doesn't mean the DP gets away with his behaviour around this and a frank discussion is very much needed. He should do better.

I’d also like to know this.

😂

Is he generally the type of person who, if he thinks the answer is going to be 'no' presents you with a fait accompli? Because I think this is more of a 'communication in the relationship' problem than an ex wife problem. And if you are doing all the work and he's just keeping his head down and you aren't saying anything about him picking up some of the slack - I really do think the pair of you need to work on talking more, even if it's awkward. Because I worry that you're both keeping quiet about things that need to be discussed, for fear of rocking the boat.

He's wrong not to have asked you about inviting his ex, obviously. But I think this goes deeper than that.

So, when you go to him with an issue, it feels like you caused the issue by the way he reacts ?

This here is an alarm bell going off. He is an absolute bully and a stupid, thoughtless one too.

How’s the workload split in your house OP?

I agree with him and think you are being nasty here.

Also demonstrates that the OP is a servant. She has to do what she is told.

“It demonstrates something very powerful to all the children involved - that it's possible to be amicable & friendly after a significant relationship ends. I think that is a great life lesson for them.“

Also demonstrates that he’s the one with all the power in the relationship and OP has to suck it up. Misogyny at it’s best.

What has happened the other 2 years that you've been together? Why can't she cope with being on her own this year when surely the situation must have arisen at least once before?
Most divorced people I know scrap their usual arrangements at Christmas and each have some time with the kids over the period and those that live close enough to each other, split Christmas Day itself.
Having said that, he sounds thoughtless and lazy (all year round?) and that's the bit you need to be concentrating on. Tbh, if he's pushing back at you, instead of at least saying "I'm sorry. I just didn't think. What can I do to help?", it doesn't sound like he's likely to change at all.

I agree with your sister but IMO he is blatantly unreasonable to ask anyone to Christmas Dinner, regardless of who it is, without asking you first.

I would absolutely push back on the petty label (it's not petty to expect basic manners), and if he wants to know what petty is it's that you've now asked your ex for Christmas dinner as well and he's coming. (Without actually doing that, obviously!)

Who would be ok with hosting their partners ex for Christmas? . I certainly wouldn't

Sorry, but this is bayshit. No way would i be tolerating this and I would end things immediately

My partner doesn't make decisions concerning us or what happens in our house without discussing it with me and vice versa. It's just basic respect and courtesy.

And if you don't have that, I'm not sure that's a healthy relationship.

The whole thing is batshit. You don’t invite your ex partner to something your current partner is hosting without asking unless you don’t give a shit about them.

He should've spoken to you but I always have my kids' dad from Christmas Eve until Boxing Day, along with my dad and a few friends. Kids love it and everyone gets along now.

Also, no relationship is perfect, but in a world where you and your DP are role modelling a relationship to four children, is there behaviour that you wouldn’t want them to accept in their own future relationships?

What is the thing about being the host?

Personally I would prefer to be the host in this situation than the person attending.

”I wouldnt say we have massive rows all the time but he can be quite dismissive when I disagree with something he’s already decided.”

With this and you doing everything to host at Christmas despite working, his behaviour is giving Handmaid’s Tale vibes. And it sounds more than dismissive- Darvo and name-calling.

What do you children really think of him? Is he consistently kind and fair to them?

He should have checked with you before inviting her; I'm sure she assumed he did. Disinviting her would be a problem since the girls are excited about her being there, but the tricky part is that if you don't, you need another way to impress upon your husband that what he has done is not OK, and get him to commit to checking with you in future and actually consistently doing so. it's made much harder when sneaking has resulted in his getting his way, but if he's a decent guy you can still make the point and treat this as an exception. What worries me is that now that you've told him it's unacceptable he isn't apologising and reassuring you he'll treat you as a partner and equal in the future, he's trying to blame you rather than to see your point of view and compromise.

If you can manage having her this once, then I'd try again to speak with him when you both have time and privacy and explain what the issue is and that she comes on condition that he agrees that his unilaterally making decisions like this stops now. If he's still an arse during that discussion, then you have a much bigger issue. (Oh, and given that you have to work and he's invited an extra person, perhaps he takes on a little more than his half of the prep work and holiday celebration grunt work this year!)

Strongly disagree.

Though it is possible to be amicable and attend events where your ex is going to be, it's one step too far to expect your new dp to host them.

If my DP did this he would swiftly find he was no longer my DP and organising Christmas himself. Maybe that’s coloured by the fact that his ex has literally been harassing me to the point she’s been banned from my workplace, but it’s also because Christmas and my home are my places to relax and nobody wants to host an ex-wife unless they’re actually friends with them.

honestly I’d book a getaway (or a meal out) and take your daughters OR tell him to do the same with his ex-wife and daughters.

he certainly wouldn’t continue to be my partner after making it clear his first priority is his newly single ex.

I don't think she's being made a fool of at all.
She says she gets on with the ex wife and it doesn't seem to be her presence that is the problem here, more the DP not asking her opinion on it first.

It demonstrates something very powerful to all the children involved - that it's possible to be amicable & friendly after a significant relationship ends. I think that is a great life lesson for them.

But the OP needs to have a frank discussion with her DP about his lack of consideration and communication. That's the issue here, not whether the ex wife comes to Xmas dinner or not.

Personally I wouldn’t accept it. It has been done in such a way you have no say as you would be disappointing his kids and ruining Xmas. I would not try to recind the invitation for this reason. I would ask my sister if there were any way I and my kids could come to her house instead and beg her help. If not, I’d even go as far as offering to pay for all of us (my and sister family) to have Xmas lunch in a restaurant instead (I appreciate not everyone could afford this option). He can cook for his family and guests. He has presented a nice fait accomplis where the workload and sacrifice all falls on you. No. On principle. Next time he’ll ask! I suspect though, faced with this, he will likely recind the invitation himself.