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Original poster

DP has invited his ex wife for Christmas dinner and says I’m being petty

414 replies

IcyPortal · Yesterday 19:29

Me and DP are having a bit of an argument about Christmas and I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable here.

We’ve been together 3 years and live together. I have a DS13 and DD8 from my previous relationship and he has two DDs, 15 and 10, from his marriage. His girls are with us alternate weekends and some of the school holidays. They are coming to us Christmas Eve and staying until Boxing Day this year.

We’d agreed we would have everyone here for Christmas dinner. His brother and my sister were invited as well, so its already going to be quite a full house. I don’t mind that, I like having people round for Christmas and the kids all get on well enough. I am the one who does most of the organising though, sorting food, presents, making sure everyone has got what they need etc. DP will help if I ask him but he isn’t the sort to think ahead about things.

Anyway a few days ago he mentioned that his ex wife would be coming for Christmas dinner as well. I actually thought he was joking at first and said what do you mean coming for dinner? Apparently he’d invited her because she would otherwise be on her own.

For context she has recently split up with her boyfriend and doesn’t have much family nearby. I do feel sorry for her in that respect and I’m not saying she should have to sit on her own all day if there is another option. But DP had already invited her before even mentioning it to me. I had no idea he was planning this and we hadn’t discussed it at all.

He said he thought it was the right thing to do and the girls would be happy having both their parents there. Which they are, his eldest especially was really pleased when she found out. I haven’t said anything to them about it and wouldn’t want to spoil their Christmas or make them feel like they have to choose between us.

But I don’t really understand why he couldn’t have asked me first? It’s my home as well and I’m going to be doing most of the work on the day. I finish work late on Christmas Eve so there is already going to be a lot to get sorted in a short space of time. I know having one extra person isn’t the end of the world but it isn’t really about the food or having enough chairs. I just feel like he’s made a decision that affects all of us and told me afterwards as though it’s already settled.

When I said I wasn’t comfortable with it he got quite annoyed and said I was being petty and making something nice into an issue. He said it was for the children. I said that I wasn’t stopping his girls seeing their mum. They could see her earlier in the day or he could take them to see her, or she could come over for a bit. I just hadn’t agreed to having her here for the whole dinner.

He then said it would be awkward if she only came for an hour and that the girls wanted her there. I do get that. They are old enough to understand their parents aren’t together but obviously it would be nice for them to have a Christmas where everyone can be in the same room and get along. I am not trying to make things difficult for them.

I don’t think she has done anything wrong either. We are civil when we see each other but we aren’t friends and we don’t socialise together. She’s never been rude to me and I have no reason to think anything is going on between them. They were married for a long time and have children together so obviously they will always have a connection. I’m not asking him to cut her out of their lives.

It is just that he does sometimes agree to things with her or the girls and then tell me afterwards. Usually it’s small things and I let it go, but this feels different because Christmas dinner is happening in our house and I’m the one who will be getting everything ready. I feel like if I had invited my ex to spend the day with us without discussing it with him, DP would have something to say about that.

My sister thinks he should have asked me first but says now that the girls are excited I should probably just let it happen. My friend says she wouldn’t have her partner’s ex wife sitting at her Christmas table at all, but I think that’s a bit harsh when she’s recently split up and would be alone otherwise.

I haven’t told DP she can’t come. I just said I wasn’t happy that he had invited her without even asking me, and now he’s acting like I’ve got a problem with his ex when that’s not what I said.

AIBU to think he should have spoken to me before inviting her, or am I making too much of it and should just get on with Christmas?

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · Today 11:52

I think he should have spoken to you first, but I do think it was the right thing to do to ask her. I hope you would have agreed if asked.

You should definitely maintain the invite now.

In her shoes, I probably wouldn’t want to do this, and quite like doing my own thing, but it sounds like his children will really appreciate it.

However, I would take the opportunity thud presents to tell him that he is getting more involved with the hard work of Christmas. The planning, the thinking ahead as well as the actual doing. Not just “helping if asked”.

”DH, I’m glad you’re taking some ownership of Christmas because I’ve been thinking that far too much of the planning and hard work has fallen to me. I think you should be completely in charge of [x and y aspects of the day] and I’ll deal with [a and b].”

And then completely leave him to his parts of the day.

I think that’s your real problem here, not the ex. That he feels happy to add to the work / make decisions about it, but not to do any of it.

midsummabreak · Today 11:50

If his ex is alone this Christmas and not working Christmas Eve, you can all go to her home and she can do the hosting with your DH and then you can help when you arrive after work. Or maybe his and your siblings who are alone and not working Christmas Eve can have it at their place

Aluna · Today 11:50

IcyPortal · Today 10:29

If I’m honest I do most of the day to day stuff. I do the laundry, cooking and most of the cleaning, sorting the kids things out and all that. He does more of the outside bits and will do jobs that need doing around the house, bins, garden etc. He will help if I ask but I tend to be the one who notices what needs doing in the first place if that makes sense.

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Why are you doing all this? Why is he not pulling his weight like an adult?

Notmycircusnotmyotter · Today 11:44

Whettlettuce · Today 09:19

Who would be ok with hosting their partners ex for Christmas? . I certainly wouldn't

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Mine does 🤷‍♀️ there's no drama, everyone gets along, my kids love it.

Wouldnt do it the other way (with his ex) because she's a hell beast.

TotaleclipseinFrance · Today 11:42

So it was not an affair. Thanks for clearing that up.

You're very tolerant then because I am saying hand on heart that I do not know any women who would tolerate this and I'm not just talking about not telling you he'd invited her but inviting her full stop.

It's batshit.
Absolutely batshit.

It is one thing the two of you and her attending other people's events-that's to be expected, quite another that you're accommodating her.

Both of them sound fecking deranged: him for thinking it OK to ask her and her for accepting.
Or just testing to see how they get on again.

I've an image of you hot and sweaty doing the roast potatoes while the two of them 'reconnect' over the sherry.

Don't be a mug ffs. There is NOTHING normal about what he's done.
No disrespect but the ones saying yabu are the ones who are your dp in this situation.
They're the women with two men doing their bidding. This situation is a gender neutral opportunity.

Get rid of him ffs. I'm pissed off on your behalf. Fecking tosser that he is.

Italiangreyhound · Today 11:35

Agree with HoppityBun

"There must be other choices than retaliating or knuckling under, but I do think that you need to have it out with him."

The issue is lack of communication before asking abd lack of help with planning/prep/cooking and clearing up.

AppleSally · Today 11:31

Your DP sounds like a kind, lovely man who asked his ex wife for the best possible reasons, and simply didn't think that you would have a problem with it. Of course he should have asked you, but my guess is that he simply didn't think that it would be an issue. He does appear to have the emotional intelligence of a sea slug, but then he isn't the only man who fits that description! I would suggest just going with the flow for now. Make sure he does plenty to help in the run up to, and during, Christmas, and then have a bit of a chat in the New Year, once the dust has settled. Let him know that you need to be involved in decisions about who is being invited to your house, and that you felt rather hurt that he didn't think to discuss this with you before an invitation was issued. In the meantime, Happy Christmas!

HoppityBun · Today 11:30

When I said I wasn’t comfortable with it he got quite annoyed and said I was being petty and making something nice into an issue.

That’s the real issue here, surely? He shouldn’t have issued the invitation without consulting you and he shouldn’t have doubled down when he was called out on it. If he had apologised and said he was sorry and how can he make it work then it would be different.

There must be other choices than retaliating or knuckling under, but I do think that you need to have it out with him.

SamphiretheTervosaur · Today 11:26

Walkerzoo · Today 11:22

This is perfect. And as time goes by the kids will think this. If to get get their mum, why can't we have dad.... Let's see how this plays out.

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Ffs! Really?

Plonk all of this on the kids?

Whi probably couldn't be more childish...

SamphiretheTervosaur · Today 11:25

Stop and think.

You don't dislike her?
You are working the day before
Her kids would love it
You could recruit more hands in the making of Christmas Day
You get to set the scene: the one where you are wholly secure in your relationship

But yeah, rip on him a bit, he should have discussed it with you first, he was a total twat not to

Walkerzoo · Today 11:22

MrsAga · Today 11:08

I think the least petty response now would be “well you’ve put me in an awkward position now, I’ll have to ask DC how they feel & if they’d like to invite their father so they also get both parents for Christmas, you really need to think about these things in a blended family”
he’ll keep walking over you if you just let it go.

This is perfect. And as time goes by the kids will think this. If to get get their mum, why can't we have dad.... Let's see how this plays out.

pimplebum · Today 11:10

Treehorns · Today 11:06

So this is your purpose, his skivvy aupair.
You go along with it.

Of course he thinks he can invite his ex over without consultation, and call you petty.

Could he have any less respect for you?
Could you?

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Agree

asking someone to do jobs is managing them which us mental load

stop being a doormat skivviy divvy up all jibs

MrsAga · Today 11:08

I think the least petty response now would be “well you’ve put me in an awkward position now, I’ll have to ask DC how they feel & if they’d like to invite their father so they also get both parents for Christmas, you really need to think about these things in a blended family”
he’ll keep walking over you if you just let it go.

Treehorns · Today 11:06

IcyPortal · Today 10:29

If I’m honest I do most of the day to day stuff. I do the laundry, cooking and most of the cleaning, sorting the kids things out and all that. He does more of the outside bits and will do jobs that need doing around the house, bins, garden etc. He will help if I ask but I tend to be the one who notices what needs doing in the first place if that makes sense.

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So this is your purpose, his skivvy aupair.
You go along with it.

Of course he thinks he can invite his ex over without consultation, and call you petty.

Could he have any less respect for you?
Could you?

hacnocteequitamus · Today 10:52

It depresses me that some men do bins and gardens and think they’ve done their partner proud - as well as having eclipsed the partner’s tasks with their show of manly magnificence.

In this instance, unless the garden is the size of Dartmoor, the inside work is far more time consuming and is constant. Not just a pootle about outside occasionally.

OP - you deserve more. You deserve better. He needs to help more.

But he’d absolutely be doing all of Christmas. Because I’d be petty if he was accusing me of being petty.

Katastrophyy · Today 10:47

IcyPortal · Today 10:29

If I’m honest I do most of the day to day stuff. I do the laundry, cooking and most of the cleaning, sorting the kids things out and all that. He does more of the outside bits and will do jobs that need doing around the house, bins, garden etc. He will help if I ask but I tend to be the one who notices what needs doing in the first place if that makes sense.

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You're his skivvy

Blondeshavemorefun · Today 10:46

It’s a pattern. He sorts things out with ex and then tells you.

Thats out of order

he is with you so he needs to talk/ask you first then chat to her - whether Xmas or a family picnic

yes it’s nice and if can be civil and get on then nice for kids

tho she seriously has no one ? No friends /parents /siblings who she can see on the 25

if she was with her partner she wouldn’t be coming or even thought about if the kids are used to seperate Xmas’s

saying all that - if you get on and you say you do - then let her come but tell your dp that he is helping you prepare

whether food shopping - cleaning house - cooking and washing /tidying up

the fact you do it all alone mainly is not on

socialbatteryisdead · Today 10:44

If I was the ex I would’ve declined.

TheIntricaciesOfHarpUpkeepAndMaintenance · Today 10:34

IcyPortal · Today 10:29

If I’m honest I do most of the day to day stuff. I do the laundry, cooking and most of the cleaning, sorting the kids things out and all that. He does more of the outside bits and will do jobs that need doing around the house, bins, garden etc. He will help if I ask but I tend to be the one who notices what needs doing in the first place if that makes sense.

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So, you do all the housework, will be doing all of the work around Christmas, won’t invite your ex as it would annoy your DP (your annoyance is unimportant to him, though), often have your thoughts/desires/opinions dismissed by him and get called ‘petty’ when you complain.

This isn’t about Christmas dinner. Your relationship is grossly imbalanced.

Why are you accepting all this? Do you enjoy being a doormat? Is his cock gold plated? Help us understand.

99bottlesofkombucha · Today 10:34

Greenmouldycheese · Today 09:54

I agree with him and think you are being nasty here.

did you read where she will do most of the work and plannng for Christmas dinner? In living caring marriages nobody invites someone else for Christmas without consulting. In even just getting on households NOBODY invited their ex when their partner is doing all the work. I’d just down tools snd message everyone ‘we’ve switched it up, dp is doing the Christmas dinner, should be fun! I’m looking forward to enjoying the Buck’s Fizz.’ His ex, his invitation, his work.

Easilyforgotten · Today 10:30

As an exercise, I would be tempted to casually say it turns out your Ex is also going to be alone for Christmas and that your kids would be so happy if he spent the day with you (without saying you're considering or have invited him) and just see what he says. If he doesn't embrace the idea with open arms you can ask him to think if your response still seems petty? What's sauce for the goose etc.
Not in earshot of the kids and not in expectation of actually inviting your Ex, but just to help him understand your point of view.

Original poster
IcyPortal · Today 10:29

Soulhorse · Today 09:55

How’s the workload split in your house OP?

If I’m honest I do most of the day to day stuff. I do the laundry, cooking and most of the cleaning, sorting the kids things out and all that. He does more of the outside bits and will do jobs that need doing around the house, bins, garden etc. He will help if I ask but I tend to be the one who notices what needs doing in the first place if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Katastrophyy · Today 10:24

Cantstopeatingjaffacakes · Yesterday 19:34

Just to give another perspective - I’m single and my exh has remarried but we always spend Christmas altogether at his mums house (we take it in turns who has them Christmas Eve). I think it was a bit awkward for both me and his new wife at first but now we get on really well and it’s not a big deal.

We’ve been doing this since we got divorced 12 years ago and I can’t really see it changing . When I was in a relationship he came too.

But yes, he should have spoken to you about it.

Urgh id hate this

Katastrophyy · Today 10:23

I dont understand why you haven't invited your ex already. Just do it!!

Millytante · Today 10:15

mathanxiety · Today 05:00

That's what a Stepford wife does.

Christmas is not about taking a woman for granted, inviting all and sundry to enjoy someone else's cooking with you after you've done nothing to contribute to the festive day, with you looking like the generous host, the big guy, the world's best parent and most magnanimous divorced dad.

If the ex had an ounce of class, she would have declined the invitation, or put it on ice until she was sure the OP was on board. It would take less than a minute to pick up the phone and confirm with the OP - and this woman probably knows the man she divorced is not the sort who plans ahead so Christmas would fall entirely on the OP.

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I agree; the ex ought ideally to have bypassed a potentially tricky sitch for her ex husband’s new partner, and instead invited him and their girls to her place.
Any woman who has not so far been entwined in that new family would surely intuit a potential trickiness for the other woman in her own home.

But it’s quite likely that he assured her that OP was fully on board with this and thoroughly delighted with the idea, which I reckon he planned all along to present to OP as a fait accompli, and then to rely on turning nasty if she raised any objections.

[I had no kip last night so am doubtless crotchety (even more than usual) but I want to scream at all the comments insisting that it is a physical impossibility to pass Dec 25 alone at home, incapable of consoling yourself or deriving any enjoyment from the day. What are we, five years of age?]